come as you are

14

James swings the door open to McGonagalls’ office and struts inside, face breaking out in a grin when he see's his favourite professor seated behind her desk.

"Good evening, Mr Potter," the woman says.

"Hey, Minnie!"

Instantly, the professor closes her eyes in exasperation and sighs loudly. "How many times do I need to remind you, it is Professor McGonagall to you, Mr Potter."

"A couple more times, I’ve always been a bit of a slow learner," James grins, flopping down on the chair on the other side of the desk.

"We both know that is not true," McGonagall tuts.

James shrugs easily, swiping a biscuit off the plate hovering in front of him. He takes a bite and grins, toothy and giddy. "You love me too much."

McGonagall huffs but doesn’t argue.

James grins. She fucking loves me.

She’s definitely going to cry when James and the rest of the Marauders graduate at the end of the year. The professor pretends that she finds the four of them insufferable, but James knows she secretly thinks they’re brilliant.

"So, as you know, today we will be discussing your plans for after you leave Hogwarts. I know we had this discussion in fifth year before you chose your N.E.W.T.S, but it is mandatory that now you are coming to the end of your seventh year and graduation is fast approaching, that we revisit the prospects you have for when you leave Hogwarts," McGonagall explains. "So, let’s start with how you feel your seventh year is going?"

"Good. I think," James nods. "It’s honestly a bit difficult keeping on top of studying as well as being Head Boy, but I think I’m doing a good job."

As well as helping Remus on the full moon.

As well as stalking Regulus.

As well as spending time with Regulus.

As well as pranking the Slytherins.

James is a busy boy, but he can handle it all.

Sure, he’s pretty sure he doesn’t study enough, but he gets all his homework done and in on time. Plus, he’s a natural at charms, transfiguration and DADA. He can’t remember the last time work in those three classes didn’t come naturally to him.

James is not an arrogant individual, though some people may believe he is. Confident, yes, but arrogant, no. Some things just come naturally to James, and he’s not like Remus who needs to know the ins and outs and reversed theory of everything. James is very content with knowing the surface level of what he knows, because the rest he can just figure out when he needs to.

So, no. James doesn’t spend his life in the library. He’s a doer. He enjoys practical things, like using his wand and flying a broom.

Yet, despite this, James has never struggled with any of his classwork in the N.E.W.T.S he chose.

"Well, your class results and grades are good," she nods. "I’ve seen that you have E’s in charms, transfiguration and DADA, which I am impressed to see considering how much you chose to cause ruckus in my classroom," she drawls, flashing him a look. "What you seem to be falling short on, Mr Potter, is your herbology and potions work, classwork and homework are both averaging at an A, though some of your herbology has been a P. If you want to be an auror, you need to graduate from Hogwarts with all five of your N.E.W.T.S grading at O’s."

"O-oh," James murmurs. Shit.

"You have time, Mr Potter," McGonagall says gently. "The end of year exams are a good few months away yet. You just need to get your head down and focus."

"Right," James nods.

McGonagall leans back in her chair, taking a sip of tea as she watches James for a moment. After a minute, she puts the cup down and asks, "Remind me again, Mr Potter, why you want to be an auror?"

James takes a moment to answer this question. He doesn’t want to be an auror to be 'cool' or macho. He doesn’t want to do it so people will remember him for taking down bad guys - although that would be pretty sweet to have a badass legacy.

"I want to help people," he says, truthfully. "I want to protect those who can’t protect themselves, and I want to stop those who are hurting people."

"How do you feel about abiding to the law?" McGonagall asks. "You will have a lot of rules and regulations to follow. It isn’t simply going out and capturing the bad guys at your own methods."

James shrugs, "As long as justice is served, I can follow the rules."

"Well, work on your herbology and potions grades, Mr Potter, and I believe you will make an excellent auror for this country."

"I will," James smiles.

***

After dinner, James finds Regulus coming out of the library. He hasn’t seen the younger boy all day, but after his meeting with McGonagall this morning and every conversation been about peoples plans after Hogwarts, James is feeling like he’s crawling out of his own skin.

James has never been nervous about his future, but for some reason, the chat this morning has sent him on a sharp and downward spiral. It’s like it’s suddenly dawned on James that he’s graduating in a few months time, and everything he’s known since he was 11 is going to change.

Hogwarts has become James’ home. Sure, he loves the Potter manor with his parents and Sirius, but Hogwarts is the place that he feels like he’s truly become James Potter. He found himself here, he found his friends, his comforts, his laughs, his jokes. James met three other boys on the train to Hogwarts seven years ago and it’s been the best ever since.

But now? Now it’s all going to change. They’re going to graduate. They’re going to say goodbye to the dorm room, and the common room, and their classes together. Soon, there’s not going to be anymore meals in the Great Hall with Lily and Mary and Marlene and Frank. There’s not going to be anymore full moons in the forbidden forest, or pranks on the Slytherins, or Quidditch games.

Everything is going to change, and James isn’t ready for it.

And on top of that, after everything, he might not even graduate with enough to do anything substantial with his life. He’s practically failing two subjects, and if he doesn’t get all five of his N.E.W.T.S, then he’s going to leave Hogwarts with nothing to show for it apart from seven years of pranks and a sodding magical map that he isn’t going to need anymore.

James was barely able to stomach his dinner. He’s felt on edge all day, fingers twitching and legs vibrating wherever he’s sat. He knows what he needs to do. He just wants to see his Regulus first.

Regulus has taken a total of five steps out of the library before James practically tackles him in a hug, yanking the younger boy into his arms. Regulus lets out a startled squeal of surprise, almost dropping his bag, but he seems to quickly realise who is it.

"James?" He asks, voice muffled where it’s pressed into James’ chest. "Everything alright?"

No.

I spoke to McGonagall about my future and for the first time in my life, I’m freaking the fuck out about it.

"Of course," James lies. "I just missed you."

Regulus huffs, but he melts into the hug none the less. His spindly arms wind around James’ waist as he practically burrows into James’ chest.

That’s one thing that James has enjoyed to learn about Regulus; for someone who seems repulsed by physical touch, he’s an absolute koala when it comes to cuddling.

They’ve been dating for four months now, and everyday Regulus seems to have become more and more comfortable with him. Sure, Regulus still likes his alone time, and he still studies like a mad-man, prioritising his time in the library above all else (including meals and sleeping, much to James’ chagrin), but all the time he’s not focused on his classwork, he’s with James. In fact, a couple of times, it has been Regulus who has sought James out, which always makes the Gryffindor jump for joy.

James wasn’t sure how much Regulus was going to adjust to dating someone. Considering the younger boy has done nothing but expressed his desire for solitude and hatred of other people, James seems to have become the anomaly. Regulus still seems impossibly shy with everyone else, and has a limit for his social battery with them, but he never seems to get tired of James. He still hates attention, but that’s fine; because James doesn’t need to parade Regulus around. He enjoys loving Regulus in private, sharing their moments in peace, and when they are alone, he loves to watch Regulus come out of his shell.

He loves listening to Regulus talk about the book he’s reading.

He loves watching Regulus study or re-write his class notes.

He loves listening to Regulus and Remus discuss runes and books and theories.

He loves holding Regulus while the pair of them sit in the Gryffindor common room surrounded by their friends, when Regulus goes quiet but enjoys cuddling up to James.

He loves waking up to Regulus in his bed, curled up like a cat against James’ body.

He loves seeing Regulus in his jumpers when the younger boy gets cold and needs more layers.

He’s just… he’s in love.

Regulus makes him feel warm and whole, and he knows he makes Regulus feel the same.

"Do you want to do something fun?" James asks.

"I don’t think we both have the same ideas of 'fun'," Regulus replies, pulling back slightly.

"Come on!" James whines.

Please.

"Fine," Regulus sighs. "What is it?"

"Come and fly with me."

"F-fly?"

James nods. "The quidditch pitch is empty. You can borrow Sirius’ broom, or you can share mine."

"I will not share a broom with you, James," Regulus huffs, cheeks blushing immediately. "I can fly on my own, thank you very much."

"Really?" James asks in surprise. He didn’t actually know if Regulus could fly a broom. He’s never seen the younger boy on one, nor show any interest in doing so.

"Yes, really!" Regulus sniffs, jutting out his chin in an oddly adorably defiant way. "

"Of course, how foolish of me not to remember that there is nothing Regulus Black can not do," James grins, kissing his flushed cheeks. "Is that a yes then?"

Regulus’ face twists in a bit of a scowl, but then he nods. "Fine. But I need to go and put my books away first."

They go to Regulus' dorm first, where the boy drops his bag and books off and comes out dressed for a winter storm. James wants to laugh, because it's April, but he figures Regulus will get quite chilled soaring through the wind of the spring air.

After they've gone up to the Gryffindor dorms to get James and Sirius' brooms, James leads them both outside, where the Quidditch field is empty and quiet.

James is buzzing with so much energy he feels like he's vibrating the whole walk down. By the time they get to the pitch, he's ready to launch himself off and drown his system in adrenaline as he plummets down to the ground. His heart is racing uncomfortably, and he wants to make it race with excitement and trepidation.

They walk up the quidditch stands, and then they're both standing on the platform hundreds of feet above the ground. The sun has set in the sky, the moon above them so bright it's casting the whole arena in a soft white glow.

"Ready?" James asks.

"After you, Potter," Regulus says, motioning for James to go.

Yes.

Yes.

Go.

Drop.

Drop and fly.

James plants his feet, about to kick off when Regulus is suddenly lurching forward. For a moment, James' stomach drops and he thinks Regulus has fallen. Then, his eyes find the broom soaring through the air, a lithe body straddling it and moving so fast it makes James dizzy.

Regulus is flying.

Regulus is flying.

He's gliding through the air, steady on the broom as if he was born to be there.

Regulus seems to notice that he's flying alone, and comes to a stop way out above the pitch, hovering in the air miles up from the ground.

"Aren't you coming?" The younger boy calls.

"I..." James gapes, then shuts his mouth with an audible click.

Fuck.

He didn't think Regulus could get any hotter.

I should have got him on a broom months ago.

"Come on, Potter," Regulus teases, swinging his legs on the broom like a bored child sitting on a tall chair.

James seems to jolt back into reality. He almost stumbles as he slams back into focus, shaking his head slightly and adjusting his grip on the broom between his legs. Instead of immediately catapulting himself off the watching tower like he normally does, James leaps into the air and shots towards Regulus. In a fast and smooth glide, he circles Regulus a few times and laughs at the younger boys head swivelling to watch him.

"Are you going to spend this entire time showing off, Potter?" Regulus asks when James stops in front of him.

James shrugs cheekily. "Perhaps. If this is the one and only time I'm going to fly with you, then I need to make the most of it."

"I see you flying and showing off at every Gryffindor quidditch game."

"Consider this your own private show then," James smirks, and then he's swooping to the side and down, going underneath Regulus and coming up behind him.

He kisses the younger boys cheek, then he taps him on the shoulder.

"Tag, sweetheart."

Regulus' head snaps to the side so fast James is sure he's got whiplash, but James is already flying off and creating distance between them. Regulus flashes him a betrayed look, but then it's twisting into eagerness.

"Your funeral," the younger boy gloats, and then as quick as a whip, he's coming towards James and before he can even get another pace away, Regulus is tapping him on the shoulder and flying higher away from him with an echoing cackle of glee.

Hours later, when their muscles are aching from the strain of flying and their skin is sore from windburn, they settle in themselves in the boat house by the black lake. Neither of them are ready to face the castle again, Regulus clearly still chasing some quiet and James enjoying it too.

James is coming down from his high from flying when he finds Regulus sitting at the end of the dock, legs crossed and facing the lake.

"I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you could fly like that," James says, still grinning like an idiot as he drops down beside the younger boy on the wooden planks.

Regulus simply shrugs. "It didn’t feel relevant."

"Everything about you is relevant, Reg," James says. "You’re amazing at it. Seriously, you should be on the quidditch team. Actually, no. Don’t join the quidditch team until after I’ve left."

James isn't exaggerating; watching Regulus fly was breathtaking. He moved like a pro, his swoops and glides clean and sharp. He flew like he was weightless, and he was clearly comfortable on a broom because James could barely keep up with him. The smaller boy was fast, so quick that James would be sure he'd enchanted the broom if he didn't already know that Sirius' broom didn't have that.

"Scared you’ll have some real competition?" Regulus smirks.

"Yes," James pouts. "You should try out for next year. You’d make an amazing seeker. Merlin, I reckon you could make pro too!"

"Definitely not," Regulus grimaces, shaking his head. "I can’t imagine anything worse than being a famous quidditch player."

James chuckles but he doesn't disagree; he can't imagine Regulus coping with being famous. His Regulus thrives for peace, for privacy, and quiet. If Regulus became famous, he'd never have a single moment of that - and James is sure of it, because he knows if Regulus Black was famous, he would be adored by everyone.

They sit in silence for a little while, just the both of them staring out towards the black lake.

James feels much calmer now. The itch under his skin has disappeared, and the first time since talking to McGonagall, he doesn't feel like his heart is going to burst out of his chest like the thing in the alien movie Moony made them watch in the summer of fifth year.

Now, sitting here with Regulus, James feels like the buzzing in his ears has stopped. The world feels clearer, the air is easier to breathe. He doesn't feel like the walls are closing in on him anymore.

"Did it work?" Regulus asks.

"What?"

"Flying," Regulus answers, tearing his eyes away from the water to meet James' eyes. "You said that flying helped you when you were feeling sad or angry. Do you feel better now? Did it help?"

James feels slightly breathless with surprise. He'd told Regulus that months ago.

"You remembered?"

"Of course," Regulus replies, shrugging as if it's no big deal.

But it is a big deal to James.

It's a big deal to him that Regulus remembered, and more so that he noticed. No one else has noticed it in him today. No one else has been his inner turmoil.

Regulus didn't want to go flying earlier, but he must have connected the dots then to know that it was something James needed. He remembered that it helped James, and he's gone out of his comfort zone to give that to him.

Merlin.

How did I get so lucky?

"Yeah," James whispers, feeling so warm and loved he could combust there and then. "Yeah, it helped. Thank you, Reg."

"Good," Regulus nods, smiling slightly. "Do you… do you want to talk about it?"

"I had my meeting with McGonagall today about my future after Hogwarts," James explains. "I told her I still want to be an auror."

"An auror?" Regulus echoes, eyes widening.

"Yeah, why?"

He probably doesn’t think I can do it.

"It’s just so dangerous," Regulus murmurs, shrugging. "Not that I don’t think you’ll be amazing at it, I just…"

"That’s exactly what my mum said when I told her," James smiles. "I just want to help people, like my parents have, but I’m not smart enough to be a mediwitch like my mum nor am I creative enough to be a potion maker like my dad."

"You are smart, James," Regulus chides softly. "Is that what made you so jittery? This meeting with Professor McGonagall?"

James nods wearily, looking down at his hands.

He feels so foolish feeling like this. The flying helped, being with Regulus has helped, but it's only dimmed the problem swimming inside his body. It hasn't removed the worries bubbling inside of him that aren't going to go away.

He's scared. He's scared of something that no amount of running away or distraction is going to remove.

"I’m just a bit overwhelmed at the moment," James admits quietly. "Y’know, with graduating in a few months and I’m… I’m not ready to leave yet. I’m not ready to be this grown up that everyone is expecting me to be. I don’t want everything to change. I don’t… I don’t want to leave Hogwarts and the classes and the professors and everyone," James sucks in a breath, then lets out a wet, almost manic laugh. "In fact, I might not even yet, considering I’m failing potions and herbology, and if I don’t get my grades up I won’t have my five N.E.W.T.S. I'm excited to start my auror training, of course I am! It’s just… what if I’m not good enough? I don’t have a plan B, Reg. It’s auror or nothing, and that’s bloody terrifying!" James sighs, dropping his face in his hands. "I’m just feeling so… crushed by it all."

"James..." Regulus whispers, trailing off. The smaller boy moves, shifting so that they go from sitting side by side to Regulus sitting in his lap. The younger boy faces him, his curls a mess from flying but absolutely edible all the same. Two small, cold but soft hands cup his cheeks, and James practically melts into the hold. "It's okay to be scared. You taught me that. The future is scary, because it's unknown. A lot is going to change, and you're allowed to be upset about that. You're not the only one feeling this way, I promise you. I bet a lot of seventh years are also nervous and overwhelmed, just as you are. You're not alone, James."

"I know," James murmurs, kissing Regulus' palm softly. He looks down at the grey eyes staring back at him, smiling slightly. "I know, I do. I just... I don't want it to end."

Regulus smiles, "You can't stay at Hogwarts forever, James."

"I could," James pouts.

"You can't, and even if you could, you shouldn't. You're too good to be here forever."

"You're being sweet," James says. "I must really look a mess if you're being sweet."

"Absolutely pitiful," Regulus grins, planting a peck of a kiss on James' lips. He rests their foreheads together, their cold noses touching. "Thank you for telling me what was wrong, and thank you for bringing me flying with you."

"Thank you for coming," James whispers. "It... it felt better with you there."

"Didn't stop you from doing any of those scary tricks," Regulus grumbles, shuddering, and tucking his face into James neck.

James chuckles, tightening his grip on Regulus' waist and pulling him closer so their chests are flush. Regulus shimmies down so his head is tucked under James' chin, arms winding round James' back. "You did them too. How do you think I felt?"

"I am far more in control than you, James," Regulus snarks. "You were the one doing it to feel something. I was doing it because it was fun."

"Does that mean you'll fly with me again?"

"Maybe," Regulus hums. "You said earlier that you weren't sure if you were going to get all of your N.E.W.T.S. I didn't realise you were struggling with your studies?"

James sighs, rubbing his cheek in Regulus' soft hair and closing his eyes.

"I'm not struggling," James argues, trying not to sound too arrogant. "I'm just... I haven't been trying as much as I should."

"That sounds a bit like you're struggling, James," Regulus replies, voice gentle as his fingers stroke James' spine soothingly. "It's okay if you are."

"Coming from the Ravenclaw taking above average N.E.W.T.S and is an undiagnosed genuis?"

"I study, James," Regulus says, lifting his head. He doesn't look angry, or annoyed, but he does look a bit defensive. "It doesn't come naturally to me like you think. I have to work for it too."

"Sorry," James winces, kissing his forehead in apology. "I... I need to get my potions and herbology grades up, and McGonagall said it’s not too late, but what if it is?"

"I can help with that," Regulus says softly. "I-if you want, of course."

James can't help but smirk, "You offering to tutor me, Reg?"

"No," Regulus grimaces. "I do not have time for that otherwise my own studies may suffer. But, I can make you a study plan."

"A study plan?"

Regulus raises a sharp eyebrow at him. "I’ll have you know Pandora has been asking me for one of my study plans since second year. They are not something to be sniffed at!"

"No, no! No, of course not. Sorry, I would love one of your study plans," James apologises, and then he smiles sheepishly, "I kind of need all the help I can probably get. I don’t have much time to get my grades up before I graduate."

"Then I’ll make you one," Regulus nods.

"Thank you, love."

"It will require you to study."

"Of course," James grins.

"Which means more time in the library."

"Easily done."

"Time in the library working, James."

"Together?"

"No. You get too distracted."

"You’re right," James nods. "You’re very distracting."

"I am not!" Regulus cries indignantly. "I work very vigilantly in the library!"

"Maybe, but just being able to see your face is a distraction to me."

The smaller boy rolls his eyes. "You’re insufferable."

"You’re beautiful."

"Stop it."

"Never," James purrs, and then he’s capturing Regulus’ lips in a kiss and swallowing whatever snobbish remark the younger boy was about to say.

Yeah, he feels a lot better now.

Not perfect; but better.

And as he stays sitting there with Regulus, he knows he'll be okay.

— tbc.