come as you are

15

"Hi, Regulus."

The Ravenclaw's head snaps up from where he was scrawling on his parchment re-writing todays potions notes. He startles in surprise to see Lily Evans and Remus Lupin standing in front of his table in the library. They're both looking down at him, and the sudden attention makes Regulus want to crawl underneath the table and hide.

"Hello," Regulus murmurs meekly.

"We, uh," Lily says, briefly glancing at Remus. She flashes Regulus a friendly smile, "We have a bit of an odd request."

Regulus frowns, stuttering, "W-what…—"

"We saw the study plan you made for James," Remus says, "and we were wondering if you could make us ones too."

Regulus blinks in surprise.

That... he was not expecting.

He didn't really know what he was expecting when he saw the two Gryffindors standing at his table, but that? That would have been his last guess.

"We saw the one you made for James," Remus shrugs.

"And it’s just brilliant!" Lily adds, beaming.

Regulus blushes brightly at the praise and admission from Lily. He knew his study plans were elite, there is a reason why he’s been able to achieve all he has over these last few years at Hogwarts. His study plan is state of the art; helping him manage all of his O.W.L.S and now all of his N.E.W.T.S. There is a reason why Pandora was so desperate to get one designed for her, and why she seemed over the moon when Regulus finally made her one.

His study plans are truly a treasure.

He just wasn’t expecting eighth year Gryffindor’s to catch wind of it.

Though, he supposes it shouldn’t be a surprise; he did give one to James a few weeks ago when the older boy admitted he was struggling with his N.E.W.T.S. James told Regulus last week that the study plan he made was working wonders and James had never felt so in control of his class work and his revision.

Clearly, he’d gloated his upper hand to his fellow classmates.

Either that, or they questioned why James is now more organised.

"O-oh. I, uh…"

"We can pay you!" Lily blurts. "Please?"

"Thank you. I d-don’t need money for it though," Regulus stammers. Suddenly, he has an idea. "But… I do have a favour to ask in return?"

"Anything!" Lily says immediately, eyes lighting up.

"I don’t have time to go to Hogsmeade on the weekends due to my runes and potions homework, but I really want to get a book on Egyptian transcribes in ancient magic. They don’t have any in the library here, so if you want a study plan, in exchange I’d ask for someone to go to Tomes and Scrolls and see if they have anything there, or to put it in for a request and pick it up."

"Done," Lily nods instantly, not hesitating for a second.

Regulus is surprised by the super quick agreement, but the hungry and desperate look on the red-heads face makes him think he could have asked for a farm of unicorns and she would have done it for him.

"Get me my book, and I’ll have your study plans ready," Regulus nods. "I just need to know what N.E.W.T.S you’re both taking."

"Easy," Lily smiles. "Right, Remus?"

The taller Gryffindor nods, flashing Regulus a grateful smile. "Yeah. Thanks, Reg."

"No problem," Regulus smiles back, but his heart is still hammering.

This entire ordeal has been so strange. From Lily and Remus approaching him, to them asking for study plans, to Regulus dictating requests for books in return.

Regulus has only spoken to these two a handful of times. Sure, he’s dating Regulus, but apart from the occasions when they joined Pandora at his table and they all studied together; or more accurately, they studied and Regulus ignored them all, Regulus has only conversed with them a handful of times in the Gryffindor common room.

Regulus is more comfortable around Remus since the reveal about his furry ability came out, but the two have never 'hung out' alone. Regulus likes Lily, but that’s mostly because he enjoys watching her and the other Gryffindor girls give the Marauders a run for their money.

Lily and Remus are nice, as are the other Gryffindor’s Regulus has begun to get to know since his relationship with James has started, and he can’t tell if them approaching them on their own makes him feel warm and fuzzy or if it makes him feel like he’s going to crawl out of his skin.

Lily and Remus leave, and it takes Regulus a few minutes to get his head back on straight.

A few hours later, and Regulus is satisfied with his finished charms work, just as a certain grinning and cuddly Gryffindor comes bouncing up to the table.

Regulus looks up at the movement in the corner of his eye a second before James is dropping down in the chair next to him, sliding up so close their sides are pressed together. An arm goes around Regulus’ shoulders, tugging him in close and Regulus just goes, bonelessly moulding into James’ side like he belongs there.

"Hello, darling," James purrs, kissing his cheek. "How’s your day been?"

"Good," Regulus nods.

"Did you get all your studying done?"

Regulus nods again. "Mostly."

"Are you done for today?"

"Is that your hint that you wish to have my attention?" Regulus smirks.

"I always want your attention," James grins, "but, yes. I do specifically want it now."

"I can be done for tonight," Regulus nods, smiling. He shouldn’t, but he’s been working for hours and realistically, he can just catch up tomorrow. A bit of procrastination and schedule shifting has never caused too much havoc in someone’s grades. Right? "What do you want to do?"

"Astronomy tower, a blanket, a cuddle, and some stargazing."

Regulus can’t help but think that James’ idea sounds simply amazing.

"That sounds perfect."

"Good," James grins, kissing Regulus sweetly on the lips. "Meet me in the astronomy tower in half an hour."

Regulus frowns, both at the short kiss that he wants to chase and deepen, and also because James has come to find him, proposed this perfect sounding evening, but he wants Regulus to wait?

"Half an hour?"

"I need to sort something first," James winks. "See you soon, baby."

Then, he’s standing up again, kissing Regulus on the forehead and running off as fast as he appeared.

After Regulus gets over his shock and confusion, he doesn’t waste anytime.

Half an hour later, Regulus arrives in the astronomy tower to see James standing with an armful of blankets and a picnic basket filled with pastries and fruits.

It’s well worth ending his studying early for.

***

All good things come to an end.

Simple times get complicated.

Peaceful moments are shattered with destruction.

Regulus knows this, so he doesn’t know why he allowed himself to believe he was immune to the inevitable.

Life hasn’t been kind to him. Since he was born, he was stuck in a place of violence and fear and pain. He’s always known that just because him and Sirius left that it wouldn’t end with the door shutting behind them.

He was a fool to believe different, even if it was only for a little while.

The letter arrives on a Tuesday. Regulus is sitting at the Ravenclaw table in the Great Hall having breakfast. He’s sitting at the end, book open on the table and a bowl of fruit and yoghurt that he’s slowly making his way through. He’s drowned out the noise of the hall, the students particularly more boisterous and loud this morning for some reason.

He doesn't notice when the post arrives, but when an owl drops a letter directly onto his open book, he startles so bad he almost drops his mug of tea in his lap.

He instantly recognises Uncle Alphard's handwriting on the envelope, but deciding that he doesn't want to read it and react to whatever is inside, he puts it straight in his bag, unopened. Uncle Alphard doesn't write a lot, so Regulus figures something important is discussed inside the letter, and Regulus is not prepared to show his entire reaction to the Great Hall during breakfast time.

He doesn't get round to opening until his free periods after lunch. He’s not forgotten about the letter when he finally tucks himself in the same alcove that James and him shared his first kiss in. He folds his knees against his chest, pulling the letter out of his satchel and breaking the envelopes seal.

Dearest Regulus,

I hope you are having a good year at Hogwarts. I hear from Sirius that you have developed a relationship with James Potter, and while I wish I had heard about it from you, I am very happy for you. I am pleased that you have found something and someone to make you happy outside of your studies.

I, unfortunately, have some news. I do not wish to make you panic, however there has been a development with your parents.

Walburga and Orion are threatening to attempt to gain custody of you and your brother. As you know, you both unofficially live away from your parents, and they have allowed this to avoid exploitation of their adverse ideas parenting skills. However, I have been contacted and informed that your parents are trying to get either one of you, or both of you, back in their custody. It appears that they no longer fear of tarnishing the Black legacy, and are of the opinion that the opinions of their treatment to you and your brother will be covered up by their connections in the ministry.

I assure you, Regulus, that I will not allow any of this to happen. While Walburga and Orion have connections in the ministry, so do I. They do not realise that their threats are only going to work against them, as no one in their right frame of mind at the ministry will send two children back into an abusive home - pureblood or not.

I need you to understand, Regulus, that under no circumstances, will you or be going back to Grimmauld. However, I am obligated to let you know of the current situation incase it is released to any papers. I will try and keep it private, for yours and Sirius' protection, but that may not be possible if Walburga and Orion choose to go public.

While I am writing this letter to you, I have this situation under control. It is being handled within the ministry, and I plan to keep it that way. However, if I have to choose between privacy or you and Sirius going back to Grimmauld, I will not hesitate to reveal the truth.

I truly hope this letter hasn't brought you great distress. Continue to focus on your seventh year, on your studies that I am sure you are flourishing in.

Look after yourself, Regulus, and if you ever need anything, you know where I am.

With love,

Uncle Alphard.

P.S, I want a letter about James. I want to hear about it and this time not from your brother.

Regulus’ vision is blurred by the time he’s reached the end of the letter. His uncles signature blurs in front of his eyes as his chest feels like it’s been kicked by a hippogriff.

His parents are planning to go to the ministry to get him and Sirius back in their custody.

They want Regulus and Sirius to go back to Grimmauld.

Regulus can’t go back.

The thought of it constricts his lungs and has his heart racing.

The night of Sirius’ escape and Regulus’ worst ever punishment flashes in front of his eyes. The fantom pains of the cruitiatus, the cutting hexes, the lashes splitting his skin overwhelm him. He can feel the blood running down his back from the flayed skin, the fire burning from his obliterated nerve endings from his mother’s powerful crucio curse.

The sight of Sirius, bloodied and unconscious and barely breathing, moments from dying in his arms when he pushed him roughly through the floo. The sight of his bedroom walls spinning around him as his own consciousness was hanging by a thread, his life slipping away from the blood loss and pain of his mother’s anger.

Regulus may not remember the days of his recovery with Alphard, but he remembers the pain. He remembers the look on his mother’s face when she realised what he’d done, when she realised he’d saved his dying brother. Her face haunts him, because he’d never seen her look so angry before. Even during all the fights between her and Sirius, she’d never looked so furious until she’d looked at Regulus that night.

Then, she’d tried to kill him.

If they go back, Regulus knows this time she will succeed.

Suddenly, the letter falls from his shaking fingers.

He gasps, but no oxygen reaches his lungs. His lungs refuse to move and expand, his ribs are being crushed. He can’t feel the tears as they fall from his eyes, his body going into overdrive. The panic feels like it’s killing him. His head spins, his vision threatens to darken. His blood is roaring in his ears, his heart pounding like a rabid animal. He distantly hears the whistling wheeze of his choked breaths, and he scratches at his neck as it seems to close and collapse on itself from the inside.

He can’t breathe.

He can’t breathe.

He tries to draw a breath in, but he sputters on it.

Regulus knows if he doesn’t calm down right now, then he’s going to pass out and someone is going to find him.

If someone finds him, they’re going to ask questions.

Regulus can not let that happen.

His parents are going to take him back, they’re going to kill Regulus and Sirius, but Regulus feels like he’s already dying.

With trembling hands, Regulus reaches blindly into his bag, scrambling for the bottle of calming drought he knows he has in there. He needs to calm down, and he needs to calm down now.

He can’t allow anyone to see him like this.

When his shaking fingers clasp around the glass bottle, he wrenches it out of his bag, ripping the cap off and throwing the contents in his mouth. The liquid is cool, and Regulus’ spasming throat doesn’t cooperate with swallowing it easily. He sputters and chokes, the back of his throat burning and the ache in his chest intensifying.

Somehow, by a miracle, he gets it down.

Curling into a ball, tucking his head into his knees, he gasps and wheezes until the draught does it’s job.

Gradually, the tightness in his chest eases. The ache disappears, the shadows in his vision clear, and the racing rate of his heart slows.

By the time the calm has settled over him, he’s exhausted. He slumps into the alcove, body drained of all muscle mass and structure. His limbs feel like jelly, all his energy resources flatlined. He’s not panicking or wheezing anymore, but by the time his body has been forced into a pathophysiological state of calm, he’s sobbing.

They’re really doing this; his parents are going to fight for them back.

Uncle Alphard says he has it under control, that his parents own actions with Regulus and Sirius will work against them, but that scares Regulus just as much as the idea of going back.

People are going to know what they did. People are going to know that they hurt Sirius and Regulus. The ministry are going to want proof of Sirius and Regulus’ experiences, and Veritaserum might not be enough. They might want Regulus and Sirius to testify, to go up on the stand and point the finger at their parents, to talk about what happened in Grimmauld Place.

If the Black’s are taken to trial, no amount of power is going to keep it private. It will reach the papers, there is no doubt about that, and when it does, all of Regulus’ cards will be laid out on the table.

He’ll have to spend his eighth and last year at Hogwarts with everyone looking at him for what he is; a damaged, abused, pureblood reject.

That thought alone almost sends Regulus back into a spiral of panic.

Regulus’ eyes feel like he’s rubbed grit in them by the time he’s finished crying. They feel dry and swollen, his cheeks sensitive from rubbing them repeatedly whenever the tears fell rolled his face. He uncurls, his body aching with the movement. The letter in his lap is wet from his tears, the ink smudged and blurred on the parchment.

Regulus stuffs it back into his bag, along with his empty bottle of calming draught.

He doesn't want to think about it anymore. If he doesn't think about it, then he can pretend it's not real.

He doesn't care if it's a childish mindset. He doesn't care if no amount of ignorance is going to actual fail to take the problem away. Regulus is just too tired to think about it.

He needs a distraction, and more importantly, he can't afford to use this time to wallow in self-pity and panic. He has N.E.W.T.S to study for, exams to pass, homework to finish. There is no space within his study schedule to have anymore panic attacks.

The question is deciding where he's going to go.

He can’t go to the library. He doesn’t want to see James, not when he’s so emotionally raw and unstable. He needs quiet, and he needs space. If he does that outside of the Ravenclaw dorm rooms, then James will come and find him. The Ravenclaw quarters are the only place that James doesn’t seem to venture into. He said a while ago that he figures despite Regulus’ 'progress', the younger boy still needs boundaries. James labeled the Ravenclaw common room and dorms as Regulus' boundaries, and said if he ever saw on the map that Regulus was in there, it was because Regulus wanted to be undisturbed.

Today is one of those days.

Regulus’ legs are shaky and unstable underneath him as he climbs out of the alcove. He grabs his bag and his books, forcing his legs to work as he makes his way down the corridor.

The trip to his dorm room is tiring, his mind in a foggy haze and his limbs exhausted from the panic attack.

Thankfully, the common room is empty by the time he gets there, so he can walk through without being noticed and runs straight up to his dorm room.

He decides to start on his homework, hoping the mental effort will distract him from everyrhing. He's got eight feet of parchment to write about on useful household charms and a few hours before classes finish, which is when his dorm mates will potentially disturb him.

Getting out his books and his parchments, he sets his pot on ink on his bedside table.

Regulus doesn’t remember falling asleep, but when he wakes up, he’s groggy and confused.

Blinking blearily, he tries to chase away the remnants of sleep and realises he’s in bed, head on the pillow and underneath his duvet.

He definitely wasn’t like this when he fell asleep.

He was studying, so when did he get into bed?

Looking around the room, trying to figure out what happened, Regulus startles when he sees his older brother sitting on the floor.

Sirius has his legs out straight in front of him, ankles crossed, leaning back against Regulus’ neighbour bed and one of his thick leather-bound books in his lap.

"Siri?" The single word that comes out of his mouth is barely a croak.

Sirius' head lifts immediately, his eyes softening when he sees that Regulus is awake and looking at him.

"Good evening," Sirius smiles. "Good nap?"

Regulus rubs his gritty and sore eyes, ignoring Sirius' question as he sits up and asks, "What are you doing here?"

"Alphard sent me a letter," Sirius says. "I’m guessing he’s told you too."

Regulus' stomach flips nauseatingly.

He swallows thickly, nodding, murmuring a weak, "Yeah."

"That’s why I’m here," Sirius shrugs. "I wanted to make sure you were okay, and when you weren’t at dinner or in the library, I began to worry. I checked the map and saw you were here, so I got one of the eighth years to let me in."

Regulus fiddles with a loose thread on the blanket draped over his duvet. He doesn't feel at all rested from his impromptu nap. Fatigue clings to his muscles like an ache, and his bones feel like they're made out of steel; heavy and unyielding. There's an unpleasant throbbing behind his eyes, a pulsation that makes him want to bury his head in a pillow and go back to sleep.

"Did you put me in bed?"

"I found you all crooked and folded on the bed over your books, so I made you comfortable. You were proper knocked out. Didn’t even twitch."

"Oh," Regulus mumbles, looking back down at his lap.

"Are you alright, rabbit?"

Regulus wants to say yes. He wants to pretend he's fine, to not burden Sirius with his unhappiness.

He wants to be strong about this, but the single statement about his parents in that letter has sent him crumbling apart like a house of cards.

"N-no," Regulus whispers, voice cracking. His breath hitches, and he feels like he's going to cry all over again. "They… they’re…"

"It’s not going to work, Reg," Sirius interrupts softly, climbing up off the floor with a huffed groan. He moves to sit on the bed against the pillows, next to Regulus and tugs the smaller boy into his side. "Whatever they’re going to try, it’s not going to work. We’re not going back there, I promise."

Regulus rests his head on Sirius' shoulder, feeling his eyes sting with tears.

"They’re going to try," he whispers. "That's bad enough, Siri."

Sirius presses a kiss into his hair, the arm around Regulus' shoulders tightening. "They’re not coming anywhere near you, rabbit. They can try all they want, but they won't be able to get within 100 foot of either of us, you hear me? It's not going to happen!"

Regulus worries his bottom lip, asking quietly, "What if it doesn't work?"

"What do you mean?"

"W-what if whatever Uncle Alphard tries doesn't work? They— they have connections in the ministry, Sirius. They're powerful! They could win this just because the people in the ministry are too scared to try against them. They could w-win, and then we'd have to go back!"

Regulus’ voice cracks painfully at the end. He swallows down a sob, but can’t stop his body from beginning to tremble again.

One letter mentioning his parents and Regulus is truly falling apart.

"Reg, I need you to trust me, and trust Uncle Alphard too," Sirius says sternly. "Your reaction is exactly what they want. They want you to be scared, Reg, because they’re awful people. They want you to think that you’re going back, to think of them as more powerful than the ministry, but they’re not. They are not! You hear me? They may be pureblood, they may be part of a noble and ancient house, but all that means nothing when the truth comes out that they are sadistic, violent child abusers."

Regulus flinches at the word 'abusers', and he clenches his eyes closed.

"That’s also what I’m afraid of."

"What?"

"People finding out what happened."

"It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Reg," Sirius says, but Regulus knows he’s just reciting words from the Potters.

Sirius is as private about their childhood as Regulus, despite all his bravo and ego about everything else. Sirius doesn’t want it to be shouted from the rooftops that their parents hurt them.

"Are you scared?" Regulus asks quietly, almost shamefully.

He can’t imagine Sirius being scared, but he also can’t imagine anyone not being afraid of going back to a place like that.

"Of course I am," Sirius sighs. "But, I also want to fight to put their asses in Azkaban. I want them to pay for what they’ve done to us."

Regulus cringes; Walburga and Orion Black won’t be thrown in Azkaban quietly. People will find out, and they’ll want to know why. Either the truth will come out, or people will make up their own stories.

Both of which are horrifying to Regulus.

"Have you told James?"

"No," Sirius shakes his head. "I… I know it sounds odd, but I’m not ready for the support yet. I know what James is going to say, and how he’s going to react, but that’s not needed right now. He’s going to tell me that everyone, him, the Marauders, his parents, are all going to support us and they won’t let them take us back. He’s going to promise to have our backs, and he’s going to be so fired up I’ll be worried he’d go to the ministry himself. I know him, and I love him for it, but I… I don’t need that right now. Uncle Alphard says he has it under control, and I trust him."

Regulus can barely contain his sigh of relief.

Good, he thinks. If James doesn’t know from Sirius, then Regulus can keep this quiet.

"Okay."

"Are you going to tell James?"

"No," Regulus exhales. "Not yet."

For as long as I can keep this secret, Regulus thinks. He doesn’t want James to know. He doesn’t want him to do something stupid. He doesn’t want James to be the brave Gryffindor he is, the samaritan that saves the day. He doesn’t want James to risk getting hurt for Regulus, because Regulus isn’t worth it.

James is strong, but the Black’s are stronger.

Walburga and Orion would crush James like a bug and never get a cuff of punishment for it.

That’s how it works, because of who they are.

They have too much power, and James is no match for it.

Regulus doesn’t know what they would fire back with if they even got a whiff of James or the Potter’s trying against them.

"It’s going to be alright, rabbit," Sirius murmurs. "Whatever happens, we’re not going back there. Whatever the outcome is, I’m going to protect you."

Regulus closes his eyes. He doesn’t want Sirius to have to protect him. Sirius always protected him at Grimmauld, and it’s the reason why Sirius was always hurt. Sirius protected Regulus, and he was always so violently punished.

Regulus doesn’t want to be the reason for Sirius’ pain anymore; physical or emotional. He doesn’t want Sirius to put himself between Regulus and the Black’s, because he can’t deal with being the reason why his older brother gets hurt again.

Regulus hates that he’s the weakest one.

He hates that he’s the one who always need to be handled with gloves, or protected, or saved.

He hates that he’s the one people have to look after, and care for, or watch out for.

Sirius shouldn’t have to spend his life throwing himself in-between Regulus and danger. James shouldn’t have to spend his life watching out for Regulus acting strange and having to accommodate to his strange habits. Uncle Alphard shouldn’t have to be working himself to the bone fighting for Regulus to not go back to a place where he was too weak to defend himself.

He wishes he could be like Sirius, James, and his uncle.

He doesn’t want to be a burden anymore, but he doesn’t know how Sirius can be so strong when their entire lives could be changed. He doesn’t know how to think about this situation as anything other than completely overwhelmed with fear.

Regulus doesn’t know how he’s going to deal with this, but if there is one thing he knows for sure; he is not going to allow himself to make this James’ problem.

— tbc.