come as you are

4

"Potter!" Marlene shouts, "Are you trying to kill us all? We’ve been practicing for four hours!"

James slows on the broom in the air and looks down at his watch. Shit, where has the time gone? They came out to the field for Quidditch practice just after lunch, and dinner is about to start.

James nods and hollers to everyone, "Sorry! We’re done, we’re done! Great work, guys! We’ll smash them this year!"

"We won’t make it to the games if we keep doing this," Marlene says she comes to fly beside him. "I know you want to win, Potter, but you’re going to run us into the ground before we get a chance to actually play."

James cringes. He has been pushing them hard, he knows. Practice has been slightly relentless, but he’s determined to win this year. It’s his last chance as Gryffindor captain to bring the victory home, and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t do it.

"Sorry," James apologises again. "I got a bit carried away again, didn’t I?"

Marlene rolls her eyes at him. "Don’t know why I expected any different from you."

He grins at her. "Get showered. Dorcas will be repulsed if she sees you."

"Big words from a man currently sweating more than a pig in a butchery."

"Hey!" He cries, but she’s already soaring away.

James stays for a moment, craning his head back and allowing the wind to whip through his damp hair.

He doesn’t understand how people don’t enjoy flying. It’s a irreplaceable feeling, the weightlessness, the freedom. He feels so relaxed in the air, like all the worries of life are left on the ground and disappear as he rises higher and higher. He loves the adrenaline of looking down and seeing everything so small, all the problems in the world become so disconnected and irrelevant.

The air cooling as the sun begins to sink behind the mountains. James becomes aware of the drying sweat on his skin and rumble of hunger in his stomach. When he looks around, he realises the rest of the team have gone. He follows in suit and heads towards the changing rooms.

James is almost at the stands to climb off his broom when he notices someone walking back up to the castle. Knowing he’d recognise that dark curly hair and narrow shoulders from anywhere, excitement sings in his stomach. He turns and quickly flies over, hair whipping in the wind.

Regulus turns when he must hear James coming up behind him. When James calls his name, Regulus doesn’t say anything. James very nearly falls off just a foot from the ground in his haste to land, even stumbling off once his feet touch the floor. He chuckles it off, but Regulus doesn’t look impressed.

If anything, Regulus looks terrified.

"Regulus!" James pants. "I just wanted to say hi!"

Regulus blinks at him, as if waiting for James to say more. Grey eyes flick to the field behind James.

"You flew all the way from there, to say 'hi'?" He asks tentatively.

James nods, breathing still fast. His heart is racing as well, the adrenaline from the practice and then soaring over to the green still coursing through his veins.

"Okay," Regulus replies slowly. "Hi."

What have you been up to?"

"Pardon?"

"I—" James blinks in surprise and confusion. "I asked what you've been up to?"

"I, uh, I was just at the owlery," Regulus admits, jabbing his thumb over his shoulder as quick as a twitch.

"Nice! Sending a letter?"

"Obviously."

"To who?"

Regulus’ eyes narrow ever so slightly. "I don't think that's any of your business."

"Of course! Shit, sorry, I didn’t—" James blabbers, shaking his head. Fuck, this is going horribly? "Sorry. I just wanted to come and say hi."

"You've said that," Regulus replies.

"Right," James nods.

His palms are sweaty. His grip on the handle of his broom is tight but he can feel the smooth wood of the stick sliding between his fingers. He’s so nervous. He hasn’t felt like this since he started Hogwarts.

Regulus is blinking at him. The younger boy is twitchy, shifting from foot to foot as if itching to get away.

He probably is, James realises. He doesn’t think Regulus has ever looked this uncomfortable. Even worse than the time James ruined his evening in the library.

James is trying to not take it personally. It isn’t a new revelation that Regulus Black is incredibly private, quiet and discrete. Regulus has always been this way, which James knows, despite how much he’s growing to hate.

Regulus is just so hard to talk to. James has never felt so awkward. He’s used to people enjoying talking to him, he used to people firing back conversation with as much gusto as he gives.

Regulus is barely muttering single words back.

Despite the effort, and the fact that James is starting to feel like Regulus dislikes him more than the general, he refuses to back down.

"Are you going to dinner?" He asks.

Regulus nods. "Yes."

"I can walk you, if you’d like," James offers eagerly. Perhaps the more time Regulus allows himself to be around James, the more he’ll realise that James is the best company.

"Are you not going to shower?" Regulus asks.

"Oh," James slumps. He looks down at his Quidditch kit. He does feel grimy, and he’s been sweating for the last two hours from the hard excursion of flying and playing with the rest of the team. He definitely should shower before he goes to dinner. "Yeah, I. . ."

"You should shower," Regulus nods.

James thinks that’s the politest way anyone, apart from his mum, has told him that he stinks.

"Yeah," he nods, smiling. "I’ll see you in there?"

Regulus silently nods in return. He doesn’t return the smile, but the bewildered and cornered look in his eyes has disappeared, and though he still doesn’t look like he’s enjoying himself, at least he doesn’t look like he’s a second away from bolting.

"Sweet!" James grins, "See you, Reg!"

"It’s Regulus," Regulus murmurs softly, but by the time James has registered that he spoke, the younger boy has already turned around and is making his way back to the castle.

James smiles despite himself. Regulus will begin to like him in no time.

James showers quicker than he ever has. The rest of the team have showered and left by the time he gets back to the locker room after speaking to Regulus, so he has the place to himself to shower like his life depends on it and get redressed in his robes. He dries his hair with a charm, frantically trying to push it down when it puffs up due to drying with magic.

It takes him 15 minutes to get to the Great Hall. By the time he arrives, dinner is in full swing and most of the seats are taken at every table. Instantly, he looks to the Ravenclaw table.

Regulus isn’t in his usual spot. Looking down the table, James can’t spot him anywhere either. He looks to Hufflepuff, to see if he randomly sat with Pandora, but can’t see the young boy there either.

Frowning, James makes his way to the Gryffindor table and sits down beside Peter.

"Sirius, have you seen Regulus?" He asks.

"Regulus?" Sirius frowns, pausing from where he’s half-dug into a plate of sausage casserole. "I think I maybe saw him earlier when I came in, but I’m not surprised if he’s already left. He doesn’t stay in here any longer than he needs to. Unsociable prick."

"Sirius," Remus chides.

"Sorry," Sirius replies, around a mouthful of food. "Reclusive prick."

Peter snorts beside him and Remus shakes his head, but James can’t find it in him to laugh.

A few days later, James is on his prefect rounds with Lily. Despite the fact they’re both Head Boy and Head Girl, they both continue to do after curfew rounds like the rest of the prefects. It was Dumbledore’s idea to enable more people to be on patrol, and James doesn’t mind because it gives him a few hours a night with Lily.

He doesn’t have a crush on the girl like he used to. That desire died sometime back in third year when he realised there was a difference between loving someone and admiring them. He admires Lily Evans, everything she stands for and how she is tough against the prejudice unfairly faced against her for simply not having magical parents. He used to think he loved her, and maybe he did back then, but now he just see’s her as a sister that he admires and loves to remind of how fabulous she is.

He’s also slightly intimidated by her, but he’s not going to tell her that.

In hindsight, she probably already knows. She’s the smartest witch in their year, evidence from class grades. She definitely knows that those who don’t admire her are definitely intimidated.

James is thinking about the upcoming Quidditch match and Gryffindor’s game plan to win. As it’s his last year, James is determined to bring the cup home to Gryffindor once again.

Lily is beside him, rambling on about the transfiguration essay she’s finished, the one that James is pretty sure he hasn’t even started, when suddenly, she says something that brings him out of his spiralling Quidditch thoughts.

". . . and he really is very sweet. I don’t know why people think he’s so horrible. He's just shy! I guess he is quite unapproachable, but that’s just because he’s so quiet, and I think people mistake it for being moody."

"Who?" James asks.

Lily looks across at him. "Were you not listening to a thing I’ve just said?"

"I was! I was!" James hurries to defend, despite it being a lie. "I just— who are you talking about? Who’s so quiet?"

"Regulus, obviously," Lily replies, rolling her eyes. "I won’t lie, I did use to think that he was a grumpy little git. Sirius has moaned about him quite a lot, but then I think about the time that Marlene tried to join in and I’ve never seen Sirius lose his temper so fast with one of us."

"Wait, how do you know Regulus?" James asks, frowning.

Since when did Lily know so much about Regulus? They’ve only sat together a few times in the library.

"From the library, of course," Lily laughs, as if it was a stupid question to ask. "I think he’s starting to get comfortable with us joining his table now. He doesn’t leave as fast as he used to in the first week. He still doesn’t really talk to us, of course, but he doesn’t act like we’re trying to attack him anymore either."

James’ brain seems to short-circuit in surprise.

"His table?" He blurts. "In the library? You’re still going and sitting with him?"

"Of course," Lily frowns at him. "Pandora keeps inviting us, which is really kind as they do have the best table in the library. And despite them both being in the year below, they’re both very smart. Pandora has been helping me proof read my essays, and she’s made some amazing points for me—"

"You sit with Regulus in the library?" James interrupts.

Lily stares at him.

"Got a problem with Regulus, Potter?" She asks, and she’s gone from soft spoken to sharp in a matter of seconds. She’s looking at James as if she’s about to go Gryffindor dragon on him.

"No!" James cries. "No, no, of course not! I just. . . he hated it when we sat with him and Pandora. Why have you guys kept going back?"

"Pandora said that he doesn’t mind as long as we’re quiet," she says. "And she promised that Regulus leaves on his own accord when he’s uncomfortable with it. To be honest, he does leave a lot faster when Marlene and Dorcas are there, but I think that has to do with us just being a bigger group. He stays for most of the evening when it’s just me and Remus joining them."

"Moony is there?" James asks. He comes to a sudden stop, as if struck with a sticking charm. Lily doesn’t notice at first, but turns around when she does and frowns at him. "Remus has been sitting with Regulus? This whole time?"

"Yes," she says slowly. "You can’t seriously blame the guy for going to the library to work when he’s forced into a dorm with you three twats—"

"And Remus has been there every time?" James asks.

Lily narrows her eyes. "What are you trying to get at, Potter? What’s wrong with Remus coming to the library—"

"Nothing! It’s just—. . . Regulus doesn’t like anyone apart from Pandora," he says.

"Well, that might be true," Lily muses. "Or maybe he’s just content with not frolicking around the corridors like you and his brother. He might not like everyone, but he’s certainly not rude about it. If he doesn't like people, he seems to just leave the space. I suppose that's why he always sits alone. . ."

Lily continues to muse over Regulus' weird habits. If James wasn't so struck with the realisation that Regulus Black has started to accept Lily and Remus but not him, he might be more curious as to why Lily is so infatuated with the younger Black brother.

When James joined the table, Regulus left.

When James tried to apologise in the corridor, Regulus dipped as quick as possible.

When James approached Regulus after Quidditch practice, Regulus practically ran to the castle as if James was a dragon that approached him instead of a student.

Is it James who Regulus doesn't like?

The younger boy is clearly fine with other Gryffindors. The realisation doesn't eliminate the clear fact that Regulus is shy, but he's clearly letting other people in apart from James.

People, including one of James' best friends.

Remus.

"I have to go," James says suddenly.

Lily pauses in whatever she was saying, turning to him and frowning. "What? But we—"

"I know! I'm sorry, Lils. But I have to— I need to speak to Moony," James apologises, already taking a couple of steps back.

Lily glares at him. "We have the rounds to finish. You can't ditch them, you're Head Boy! You're meant to be setting an example—"

"I'm sorry," he apologises again. "I'll make it up to you! I promise! I just really need to go, like, right now!"

Lily gapes at him, and he winces, flashing her an innocent smile before he's turning and jogging down the corridor.

"James Potter! Hey!" She shouts after him. "What could possibly be so important?"

"I'm sorry!" He calls back. "Important Marauder stuff!"

As soon as he turns the corner and Lily's shouts fade behind him, James breaks out into a sprint. He's grateful he ditched the robes before the rounds, as running in just his trousers and shirt is much easier than having to try and avoid tripping on the billowing outer layer.

Naturally, as it's after curfew, the corridors are empty. The sounds of James' heavy and fast footsteps till the sleepy silence of the castle as he barrels down hallways and leaps up stairs. He runs as if he's being chased, panting but not slowing in his haste at all.

He has to get back to the dorms.

He needs to speak to Remus.

He needs to know if it's personal that Regulus avoids him.

He doesn't dwell on the fact that he's overcome with the feeling of betrayal that Remus is hanging out with Regulus without him, or the confusion as to why he's suddenly feeling offended that Regulus Black, a sixth year James has had barely any contact with, clearly doesn't enjoy his company. He doesn't know where this sudden need to be Regulus' friend has come from, but it's come from somewhere and it's consuming him like the need to make sure he's remembered by all when he leaves Hogwarts.

James barely manages to choke out the Gryffindor common room password to the fat lady in the portrait. He's panting so hard his lungs are aching like mad, and when the door finally opens, he's barrelling through the moment there's a gap big enough to fit through. He doesn't know if the common room is empty when he bursts through it, running straight past the sofas and fire place and up the last set of stairs.

He practically falls into the dorm, the door banging open with a sudden, echoing slam.

Remus jolts on his bed in surprise, his book tumbling from his hands.

The werewolf glares at James. "Prongs, what the fu—"

"Have you been studying with Regulus?"

Remus pauses in his reach to pick up his book. He looks at James like he's gone mad. Slowly, Remus grabs the book and settles back on the bed.

"What?"

"I said," James pants, still catching his breath, "have you been studying in the library with Regulus?"

"I wouldn't call it studying with Regulus," Remus replies, laying the book in his lap and idly flicking through the pages again to find where he was reading. "I mean, he's there, but it's not like we really talk or exchange study notes if that's what you're wondering."

"But Regulus doesn't like people!" James argues.

"I get the impression he doesn't like loud people," Remus says, emphasising the word 'loud' with a quirk of his eyebrows. He's still flicking through his book, absentmindedly listening to James pant like a dog in front of him. "He seems alright as long as you don't talk too much or disturb him—"

James grunts with impatience, snatching the book from Remus' hands. His friend lets out a shout with surprise, but James doesn't care.

"Moony, this is serious!" He whines. "Why didn't you tell me you've been hanging out with Regulus?"

Remus frowns at him. "I don't see why it's a big deal? Fucking hell, James. What's crawled up your ass and died? He's just a kid. He's not like the rest of his family, Sirius has told us this multiple times—"

"I'm not worried about him being like that! I know he's not like that!"

"Then. . ." Remus blinks in surprise and confusion. "Then what's going on?"

James falls silent.

What is going on?

"I. . ." James clears his throat. "I think he hates me."

Remus frowns at him. "Who? Regulus?"

James nods.

Remus lets out a heavy breath, clicking his tongue while running a hand through his hair.

"I don’t think he hates you, mate," he says slowly. "How many times has Sirius told us he likes his own company? It’s not personal, he’s just. . . he’s just quiet."

"But he’ll let you guys sit with him," James stresses. "Then the moment I come along, he runs away!"

"Because you keep trying to talk to him like he’s one of us," Remus says. "You’re not missing out on anything at the library. It’s not like we’re all having a weekly gossip group and you’re not invited. We’re studying, Prongs. I can probably count on one hand how many conversations I’ve had with Regulus. Most of the time he sits there with his nose practically touching the parchment he’s writing on and then eventually he slips away without a word."

"That’s what everyone keeps telling me, but I think there is something more going on," James says.

Remus shakes his head. "He’s just shy, Prongs. Don’t make it out to be something it’s not. He’s always liked the quiet—"

"What if he’s lonely?" James asks desperately.

"Not everyone gets lonely the moment they’re alone," Remus reminds gently. "He’s alright, Prongs. You don’t need to worry about him. And you definitely don’t need to start bothering him about how he doesn’t crave your attention like other people."

James rolls his eyes. This isn’t about wanting Regulus to fawn over him. Not at all. He doesn’t quite know what it is, but he wants to make sure Regulus is okay. In all the whirlwind of making sure Sirius has been okay, James is worried that Regulus has been lost and forgotten.

The Marauders kept Sirius afloat when living at home, who helped Regulus?

James jumps across the room and snatches the map from where it was hidden underneath Peter’s pillow, scrambling to open it and scanning the map as it comes to life.

"Prongs. . ." Remus starts, "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," James mutters, eyes fleeting across the map to find—

There he is.

The astronomy tower.

All alone.

James grins, he can’t help it. He throws the map down, leaping towards the door. He ignores Remus’ shouts behind him, telling him to stop. He doesn’t listen. He needs to see Regulus. He needs to hear it from the boy himself that he’s okay.

For the second time tonight, James is running. He’s sprinting through the halls, feet loud against the stone floor and breath hard and panting. It’s a miracle no one has caught him yet, but he doesn’t dwell on it as he reaches the stairs for the tower and starts climbing. He takes two, sometimes three at a time. His calfs are burning, his chest is heaving, and he almost face plants when he reaches the top, lurching himself up the last steps and stumbling as he falls through the door.

The cold air of the astronomy tower slaps him round the face, but heat is trapped beneath his clothes. He’s sweating, he knows. It’s beading on his forehead and cooling on his neck.

Regulus startles when James comes barrelling into the room. The only other source of life in the round room, and he lets out a startled cry at the sight of another. The book in Regulus’ hands goes tumbling to the floor, and he jolts hard enough it looks like he’s been struck.

Wide eyed and looking like a rabbit caught in headlights, Regulus stares up at James.

"Hi!" James beams, despite being out of breath from his sprint, he can’t help but embrace the swell of warmth that pools in his stomach at the sight of the younger boy.

"Hello?" Regulus squeaks.

The smaller boy hesitantly reaches out to retrieve his book from the floor, seemingly unconsciously smoothing out the pages and placing it gently back in his lap. He hasn’t taken his eyes off James yet. They’re still wide and frozen, his body wound up tight like a coil.

James slumps where he’s standing.

"Do you hate me?" The words blurt from his mouth with no control.

Regulus blinks, face snapping from scared to surprised and confused.

"Pardon?" The boy asks, voice timid.

"Do you. . . do you hate me?" James repeats.

Regulus frowns. His dark eyebrows pinch inwards and when he shakes his head, his curls bounce.

"No," the boy says. "I don’t hate you. Why. . . why would you think that? I don’t hate anyone."

James shifts from foot to foot, suddenly feeling awkward.

"Because you. . . you always seem uncomfortable around me and I— I just—" he breaks off with a groan, running a hand through his hair. "I’m sorry. I. . . shit, Reg, I didn’t mean to— sorry. I shouldn’t have barged in here. I’ll— I’m going to go—"

"It’s not you," Regulus interrupts, and despite how soft his voice is, it silences James as if he shouted it. James freezes, heart pounding. "I’m. . . I just don’t really like people. I like the quiet, and being alone. It’s not you, James. It’s. . . it’s pretty much everyone."

James deflates. It’s not the answer he was hoping for, but it’s better than Regulus admitting he hates James personally.

He feels stupid now. Regulus is still looking at him like he’s grown a second head out of his neck, and James feels punctured with regret.

"Can I. . ." James licks his lips. "Can I hangout here? With you? If I’m quiet?"

Regulus frowns. "I’m not very good company. . ."

"You are!" James rushes to say. "You are, I promise, Reg. I just. . . I think maybe I need some quiet too."

"I’m only reading," Regulus argues again.

"I don’t mind," James stresses.

Say yes.

Say yes.

Say yes.

After what feels like an eternity, Regulus finally nods.

"Okay."

— tbc.