come as you are

5

Regulus has always found peace at night. There has always been something about the undisturbed silence, about the promise of privacy because everyone else in the world is asleep, that has made him gravitate towards staying up late. He doesn't know if he has always been a natural nocturnal person, or if the crave for the secrecy of nighttime so young and for so long has made his body become that way, but he doesn't dwell on it. It helps that he's able to run on slightly unconventional sleep time from a day to day basis, otherwise he would probably sleep in through all his classes.

Nighttime feels like the only time of his life that Regulus is truly by himself. It feels special, like something he can finally have for him because no one else is awake to take it. Especially as somewhere as busy and loud as Hogwarts, where the day time is buzzing with constant activity and people and noises, Regulus immediately sought out the quieter places and times since the first day he arrived.

It was a brutal adjustment when starting the magical school. Regulus has never been the most sociable, and he struggled a lot growing up at family balls and yules and large parties, but being young and the heir, he was always able to mostly hide behind Sirius. Later, he would sneak off with Andy when his parents got involved enough in conversation and tipsy enough on wine to not notice his absence.

Hogwarts is not like that. Regulus hasn't been able to hide behind Sirius' robes. Even if they were in the same house, Regulus would have still been left to stand and fend alone.

Regulus gravitated towards the astronomy tower in his second year. The ancient foundations of his family history is crafted on the stars, their names chosen like they've been specifically plucked out of the sky. Regulus has always loved looking up, into the endless black above him, and seeing them all. He used to love looking up, seeing the constellations and seeing which members of his family he could see.

It's the only time in his life that all of his family have been together in peace, in a synchronised and settled harmony. He looks up and sees them all, and it brings a warm feeling inside him that somewhere out there, they all get along. Somewhere in the universe, amongst the stars in the sky, all of his family stand together.

It used to make Regulus sad. It made him mourn something he never had. He used to look up, after nights at home or after reading cruel letters from his parents and cousins sent to him at Hogwarts, and hate that they all couldn't coexist together on Earth like they can in the sky.

Now, Regulus has found peace with it. He's tired of wishing on things that have never happened. He can't keep grieving things he's never experienced, because it only ate him up for years until he was nothing left but a shell. It made him feel lost despite never losing anything, because he never had a happy family in the first place.

Uncle Alphard has helped teach him that this past year. Sirius too. They’ve reminded him that he has all he needs, that he has more than he’d ever imagined when he lived at Grimmauld Place. Regulus finds peace in that: he has a home now that doesn’t consist of rules and screams and pain. He can speak to Sirius without being afraid of being punished. He can read all the books he wants, listen to muggle music that Sirius recommends without fear of unforgivable curses. There are no more 'lessons', no more pathways or cut lines to follow. No more expectations, no more destinies or ways to behave. As long as Regulus passes his classes and doesn't get expelled, Alphard is happy.

Regulus is free. He's as free as the star he’s named after that glows in the sky above him.

Tonight, he finds gratitude when looking up at the sky, seeing all of the stars up there, where the planets gave his family members their names, and realises that somewhere out there, in a different life time, they all get coexist together. Nighttime, on clear nights, before the break of dawn and after the soft settle of dusk, Regulus watches them, and remembers the life he has now.

Regulus became obsessed with astronomy from the day that Sirius told him that they were all named after stars. He'd only been six at the time, but the whole concept absolutely fascinated him instantly. Sirius didn't seem impressed, and he became slightly bewildered by Regulus' thirst for knowledge about the stars and the constellations that come and go in the sky every month. Regulus just found it so interesting, and became so enwrapped by the concept that at different times of the year, him and Sirius and other family members are aligned together. Regulus has learned all the constellations, the months when they're visible and days or nights they shine the brightest. He knows the night sky like the back of his hand.

Sirius has never understood Regulus' interest in learning. Maybe that's what sealed the separation of their Hogwarts houses. Sirius is everything a true Gryffindor should be, and he always has been. It's been obvious from the start that his heart is with the lions. He fits right in with his loyalty, his bravery, his brash and bold charisma. Sirius has never been able to lay down and take a punch without giving some sort of fight back. Sure, Regulus isn't ashamed to tell Sirius that he's bullheaded, that he's brash and argumentative. Sirius knows his ego is bigger than his brain sometimes.

Regulus is not like that. He's meek, small in every physical and symbolic sense of the word. He's always preferred the quiet to read or to learn, never one to seek out the company of others or be uncomfortable with the natural stretch of silence. Regulus loves Sirius more than anything in the world, and he's relieved that his older brother has begun to respect Regulus' boundaries in recent years instead of trying to force him to be involved or become someone he's not.

Sirius used to be worried Regulus was lonely. His parents were worried he was mentally deficient and unable to socialise. They were concerned that Regulus' refusal to make ties and acquaintances at Hogwarts was detrimental to the Black family name. Truthfully, Regulus has never been envious of Sirius' lively life and collective group of friends. The idea of ever having something like Sirius has makes Regulus feel queasy. Sure, Regulus is sure it feels nice to have people who like you, enjoy your company, laugh at your jokes, but it's a huge price for Regulus to pay. He's happy for Sirius and his large community of friends, but Regulus is fine with what he has.

It took Sirius a long time to work that out. A lot of arguments, squabbles ending in tears and screams. Sirius was convinced Regulus was sad, lonely, in need of friends he wasn't able to make himself. Regulus could make friends if he wanted - he's sure of it, but that's the thing. He doesn't want to. Pandora is enough. She has the heart and soul and voice for a hundred friends to Regulus. She's more than enough, thank you very much. 

Sirius leaves Regulus be now. The older boy seems sated enough to let Regulus get on with it, checking in when he wants to make sure Regulus is still coping with the day to day tasks of life. Sirius still invites Regulus to Gryffindor parties or to the Potters over holiday, or once to Remus' family home in Wales. Regulus always declines, but he appreciates the effort. He mostly appreciates when Sirius accepts his declines with an annoying hair ruffle and leaves him to it.

The astronomy tower is always too cold for Regulus' liking, but a couple of extra jumpers or a blanket he brings from his bed combined with a warming charm normally does the trick. It’s a price he’s willing to pay for an evening feeling settled and relaxed, even if he is at risk of getting caught being out of his dorm after curfew. Regulus doesn't know how he hasn't got into trouble for it before. Lily Evans caught him multiple times last year when she was a prefect, but she just looked at him and kept walking on. Regulus has never been brave enough to ask her why.

Regulus has been up here hours. He came straight from the library, after spending hours after his last class getting his homework done to justify the evening ahead. The library was quiet today, the Gryffindor crew absent due to Regulus sitting in their over dinner. Regulus is grateful for the few hours of peace he got, because he was able to focus enough on his work to get himself up to speed enough that he could take a night off.

Suddenly, an onslaught of rapid approaching footsteps shatters the silence around him. Sighing softly, Regulus mentally braces himself as the clambering footsteps get louder and louder.

When James came to him the other night in a fretting, flustering mess, accusing Regulus of hating him, Regulus was very confused. No one has ever mistaken Regulus’ quietness for hatred, or if they have, they haven’t cared enough to get upset about it. Regulus doesn’t really care about the others either, if they think Regulus hates them, at least it keeps them away. It's not new news that Regulus doesn’t want loads of friends or acquaintances. He likes his circle small, so small that it’s basically only Pandora and occasionally Sirius when the older boy checks in every once in a while. 

Regulus doesn’t hate James. If anything, he likes the older Gryffindor more than most people in the castle. Regulus just isn’t good with people, and James Potter has enough energy to match the entire of the Gryffindor house crammed into his single body. Regulus has always been content with watching James from afar, where the older boy won’t notice and try to get Regulus involved in his lively, exciting life. They’re just very different, and Regulus doesn’t fit in with James’ life style at all. That’s fine, really. Regulus has been okay with it since he realised he liked James more than one would admire a friend or a housemate.

He accepted it a long time ago.

But now James wants to hang out, and Regulus was too afraid to say no. If it had been anyone else, Regulus wouldn’t have hesitated to tell them to get out and leave him alone.

It’s different with James.

The worst thing is, Regulus didn’t even realise James had noticed him. For years, James never looked at him, never bothered him. Regulus can’t help but wonder, why now? What’s changed? It can’t be Sirius living with the Potters that caused it, because that occurred over a year ago, and James never looked at Regulus twice when they came back to Hogwarts last year. Nothing has even happened for Sirius to worry and to talk to his friends about it, so Regulus has correctly done nothing to potentially come up in conversation amongst the Marauders.

Regulus has been doing the same things he’s done for years. He’s divided his time between classes, the library, the dorm room and the astronomy tower. He’s kept to himself, kept quiet, and only hung-out with Pandora when the bubbly Hufflepuff wasn’t busy with her other friends or housemates.

Nothing has changed.

It’s just another Hogwarts year hopefully filled with new things to learn and books to read.

So, what is James’ problem?

And why did he get so upset at the probable idea of Regulus hating him?

Is it because James enjoys being popular? It’s no lie that James is practically a walking celebrity in the school. The only people who don’t like him are generally Slytherins, but James seems to have no problem with them not being part of his fan club.

Regulus is just one person, so surely it wouldn’t have offended James that Regulus wasn’t jumping and skipping at the idea of the older boy talking to him like a lot of other students do.

Regulus doesn’t understand it.

He also doesn’t quite have the bravery to ask about it either.

He's not brave about a lot of things, as it turns out. He's his own worst enemy too, for someone who spends so much time alone and thinking, he runs himself in exhausting circles over things he could just ask about get cleared up.

He won't change, though. So he settles for just internally suffering alone with his spiralling thoughts.

The footsteps become loud as thunder, booming and echoing around the high structures of the tower roof above.

Then James is bounding up, racing up the stairs fast enough that Regulus wouldn’t be half surprised to see someone chasing him.

When no one else follows, Regulus meets James’ eyes. The older boy looks flustered, hair wild and cheeks flushed from his evident rapid ascend to the top of the tower. He doesn’t look as frantic as last time. He’s smiling, smile so wild it’s practically splitting his face.

He seems relieved to see Regulus there.

"Hiya!" James greets, breathless but fond.

"Hello," Regulus replies timidly, awkwardly.

Fantastic start, he inwardly grumbles to himself.

James doesn’t seem to falter at the mousey noise that comes out of Regulus’ mouth. Instead, he beams wider, as if pleased Regulus has acknowledged him at all.

"How, uh," James clears his throat, pushing his glasses further up his nose so they're no longer half slid down and askew. "How are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he murmurs.

Regulus realises he should ask James back. He knows this, he's not stupid, nor is he purposely rude. It's just that Regulus doesn't really want to know, nor does he passively want to make this awkward interaction drag on any longer.

If James is fazed by it, he doesn't show.

He just continues to smile like he's found the golden snitch up here instead of Regulus.

James motions to the floor beside him. "Can I sit?"

Regulus hums in confirmation, looking back through the telescope. Vega is twinkling still above them, looking absolutely hypnotic in the endless sea of black.

He feels James sit down beside him, thankfully on the side that is empty and doesn’t disturb his piles of books and parchments. Regulus tries and fails to not stiffen up when the older boy settles beside him, and if James notices, he’s polite enough not to bring it up.

"How long have you been up here?" James asks.

"Since dinner," Regulus replies, pulling away from the telescope and looking up at the sky, scanning for more constellations. He feels James shudder beside him and refrains from rolling his eyes. 

"I don’t know how you stand this," James grumbles, sounding less cheery than when he first appeared. A brief glance to the side and Regulus see’s the older boy has wrapped his arms around his middle tightly, shivering. "It’s bloody freezing up here!"

You don’t have to be up here, Regulus wants to say, but he doesn’t want to upset James. Instead, he grabs his wand and silently casts a warming charm over the older boy.

"Oh," James mutters, arms slacking. "That makes sense."

Regulus softly grunts back and pockets his wand.

He watches James settles quietly beside him, shuffling on his butt and crossing his legs until he's comfy. The older boy spots Regulus watching, and flashes him a warm smile.

Regulus' face burns with the embarrassment of being caught staring, and he prays that the low light of the tower hides it well enough. He coughs roughly, feeling like his cheeks are glowing so red that they're like a flare in the darkness. He rushes to look back into the telescope, willing his stupidly racing heart to calm down!

Breathing heavily through his nose, Regulus relaxes. He manages to pretend he's alone for a while. That it's just him and the stars and his books, like every other night he gets to come up here. He allows the silence to swallow him whole, to wrap around him like a blanket of security.

Regulus sometimes thinks he loves stargazing so much and the astronomy tower because it’s so naturally silent. The stars are so far away, and even if they weren’t, they don’t talk. The stars, his books, none of them ask questions, or have any expectations of him. He can be himself under the stars, when he’s alone and reading. There is no deadline in life up here, no pressure to be anything. Regulus can just bathe in the serenity of it, relax to the point that his muscles feel like mush and his bones are weightless.

After a while, despite his best efforts to ignore it, Regulus becomes hyperaware of the person beside him. James may be sticking to his promise to be quiet, but Regulus can see it’s paining the older boy. He clearly wants to talk about their days, or ask about the stars, or maybe the Gryffindor just wants to make noise. Sirius and Pandora have always had to remind Regulus that most people can find silence uncomfortable and realistically, James seems like the type.

Taking pity on the older boy and swallowing down his own comfort, Regulus leans back from the telescope with a sigh.

"Do you want to take a look?" Regulus asks.

James’ eyes widen comically behind his glasses. The older boy soundlessly nods.

Regulus shuffles to the side, but James doesn’t move immediately. It’s as if he’s waiting for it to be a trick, or maybe giving time for Regulus to retract the offer. Eventually, when Regulus doesn't combust, James shuffles over to the telescope and looks through it.

Regulus becomes very aware suddenly of how close they are. James isn’t looking at him, one eye closed and the other peering down the telescope. Regulus is hyperaware of the close proximity of the two of them.

A few seconds later, breaking out of Regulus’ spiralling turmoil, James pulls away and beams at him.

"It’s pretty!"

Regulus feels almost deflated at the slightly childish statement. "You don’t know what you’re looking at, do you?"

"Uh, maybe not," James admits, cheeks flushing at being caught out.

"Your best friend is named after a star," Regulus deadpans. "I don’t believe for a moment that he hasn’t taught you at least some constellations."

James shrugs sheepishly. "Sirius never really talks about them. All he’s told me is Sirius is nicknamed the 'Dog Star' and that he’s the brightest star in the sky."

Regulus rolls his eyes. "Of course that’s all he’s informed you of."

James grins. "It’s a pretty important statement, don’t you think?"

Regulus rolls his eyes again. Sirius always used to tease him when they were kids that his star was the brightest by nature. Regulus supposes his brothers friends also find humour in the fact that his star is nicknamed after the animagus form he takes.

Not that Regulus is supposed to know that.

He’s a Ravenclaw. He’s nosey and curious by nature.

Sue him.

"It’s the Lyra constellation," Regulus explains, nodding to the telescope. "It looks like five stars in the shape of an oval. The brightest one, that's Vega. Then over here," Regulus leans to look into the telescope, moving it slightly left until the next constellation comes into view. He recoils back and nods, "that’s the Cygnus constellation. It’s shaped like a cross, you see?"

James looks again. His jaw drops and he squeals, "Merlin! I can see it! Reggie, I can see it!"

"Well done," Regulus drawls flatly, then jolts in realisation, "and it’s Regulus."

"This is amazing!" James continues, leaning back from the telescope and grinning. His face is split with a smile. Regulus doesn’t think he’s seen anyone this excited about astronomy since the first time Regulus learned it was a thing as a child. "Where’s yours?"

Regulus shakes his head. "You can’t see it. Not this time of year. It’s too close to the sun during August and September. By about mid-September time you can start to see it in the morning, but it’s easiest to see at night in late February to spring."

Regulus finishes talking and then promptly shuts his mouth with a click. His stomach flips when he realises that he practically word-vomited. For what feels like the millionth time that evening, he feels himself blush, his cheeks heating with sudden embarrassment.

He wishes he could take it back, swallow up the words he’s spoken.

James is looking at him like he’s grown a second head, and that’s exactly what Regulus feels like he’s done. The older boys mouth is slightly open, jaw lax and eyebrows raised and hidden behind his unruly hair. Regulus ducks his head, shoving down the urge to snatch his books and running away, opting instead of just hiding his face and burning cheeks. His hair falls in his face, and he thanks the heavens that Alphard has allowed him to grow it out over the last year for him to be able to do so. His mother used to cut it short every holiday after Sirius started growing his own long, so it rarely ever grew long enough for Regulus to hide behind.

"I think that’s the most I’ve ever heard you say," James says, and when Regulus looks up, he see’s the older boy is smiling softly, so genuine and kind that Regulus feels blindsided. "You really know a lot about this stuff."

Regulus feels like he can’t talk. His throat is dry, as if all the moisture in his body is being drawn out in the cold sweat in his palms.

"I find it interesting," he whispers, scared to speak any louder incase James hears the wavering in his voice. He admits it like a dirty secret, like it's something to be ashamed about, and Regulus knows it's not. He's not ashamed of his intelligence, and he's never tried to necessarily hide it, per say. Pandora will argue that he doesn't try show enough in exams to prove his full potential, but Regulus is fine with being average.

Speaking of this to James makes him feel weird. It makes him feel like he's showing too much, metaphorically stripping himself naked.

He waits for James to laugh. Waits for him to tease and mock, probably not in a nasty way because he's James Potter, and Regulus has only ever see him be hostile to upper year Slytherins. James would tease in the same way Sirius would, playful and soft, perhaps fond, but Regulus doesn't want that.

"Can you teach me more?"

Regulus blinks, frowning. This feels all too much like a trap, a plot, something James is going to chuckle about with his friends later.

He might be naturally kind, but there is no way James Potter wants to learn about astronomy.

"Why?"

"Because I find it interesting too," James shrugs loosely, easily, as if he holds no shame or no embarrassment. Must be nice, Regulus thinks bitterly. "And you’re a good teacher."

"I… I don’t…" Regulus takes a shake breath, shaking his head again. He feels flustered. "It’s really not that interesting."

James tilts his head, frowning like he doesn’t understand Regulus’ sudden denial. "It is to me."

Don’t do it! his brain screams instantly.

Run away.

Regulus wants to as well. He wants to dash off, to end this interaction and hide in his dorm. He wants to grab his book and continue reading about Egyptian reptiles. He wants to be invisible again, because James looking at him is making him feel like someone has shoved him on an empty stage and shone the spotlight directly on him.

Despite this, a part of Regulus is excited. Both because this is finally an opportunity to make someone else in Hogwarts realise that the stars are interesting, and also because it’s a reason to spend time with James.

Or perhaps that’s another reason not to do it, because he’ll have to spend time alone with James, who makes his heart beat faster and makes him feel flustered. James, with those big brown eyes and carefree charisma that makes Regulus feel like he’s melting underneath the sun that’s gotten too close.

His brain feels scrambled. He almost wants to pinch himself to assure himself this isn't some twisted nightmare.

"Okay," Regulus murmurs in agreement, getting the word out before he can change his mind.

This is going to be fine, he tells himself desperately.

It’s just stargazing.

It’s just James Potter.

Don’t be a baby about it!

"Wicked!" James grins. Regulus can’t help but think he oddly resembles a young, energetic puppy. If he was a dog, Regulus knows his tail would be waggling with excitement. "What else can we see tonight?"

Regulus chews his lip, but then realises he can’t take back his part of the deal now. It feels strange to share this with someone, he feels like he’s giving away something that’s his and private. Pandora has never wanted to learn astronomy, or perhaps she’s never wanted to ask incase he said no.

Admitting defeat, he reaches for the telescope, ready to move it to the next constellation when James’ arm suddenly snaps out.

"Wait!" He says, "Let us get comfortable first. I won’t be able to focus like this."

Regulus frowns, arm falling limply in his lap. "What’s wrong?"

"This floor is so hard my butt is already numb," James complains, scooting back and getting to his feet. "We need cushions, and blankets!"

Regulus doesn’t get a chance to ask James where he’s going to get these cushions and blankets from because suddenly, James is motioning to Regulus’ parchment at the side and asks, "Can I borrow a sheet?"

Regulus nods, and moments later, James is snatching some of them up. He gets his wand out of his pocket, and with a wave, the previous simply sheets of parchment are transformed into two cushions and a couple of thick, fuzzy blankets.

James beams at him, clearly impressed with himself.

It’s cute.

"Impressive," Regulus muses.

James smirks at him, "You could say I’m some of a prodigy in transfiguration."

Regulus knows he is. The younger Ravenclaw is more than aware of his brother and his friends’ transfiguration escapades. They’re are all animagi, after all. Their forms, Regulus doesn’t yet know this, but he knows Sirius was looking into it for years and Regulus is sure it was to help Remus with his monthly transformations.

He doesn’t tell James this, of course. He allows the Gryffindor to soak up his ego for a little bit longer.

James arranges the blankets down, placing the pillows side by side. He motions for Regulus to get on, and with a small roll of his eyes, the younger boy concedes.

"Lay down!" James demands, laying down himself, resting his head on one of the cushions and flapping his hands at Regulus to hurry up. "Get comfy. Come on. We can use this one to lay under."

Regulus pauses as he sits down."Why?"

James huffs, whining impatiently. "For the ambience, Reggie! Come on!"

Rolling his eyes again, Regulus does as he’s told. He can’t help but stiffen when James does actually cover them with the blanket, and Regulus almost throws up at the concept of them literally laying shoulder to shoulder like this. He feels rigid as a board, muscles tense enough they feel like they’re going to snap.

This is a bad idea. This is so so bad.

Why has he done this?

Why has he gotten himself into this?

It would be rude to leave now, despite how much Regulus wants to run away and hide in his bed.

"This is nice," James says.

"Yeah," Regulus chokes.

He see’s James glance at him. "You okay?"

Regulus nods stiffly.

"We don’t have to do this, if you don’t want too," James says quietly, almost disappointed, but not mean or cruel. "Honestly, Reg. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to."

"It’s Regulus," he mutters, mostly out of habit.

Suddenly, James chuckles, body shaking gently with it. Regulus feels it vibrate through him like a gentle current.

He relaxes a bit.

They don’t leave the tower until the early hours of the morning. Regulus is more than used to staying up late, so he doesn’t realise how much time has passed until James is yawning between every couple of words. It’s only then that they realise alarms for breakfast are going off in less than three hours, so they quickly tidy up and descend the stairs.

James is grinning even when they depart in the corridors to go back to their own dorm rooms. His tired eyes are still bright as he thanks Regulus for the lesson and spending the night with him teaching him about the stars. Regulus barely manages to stutter out a 'you’re welcome' before he’s practically scurrying off.

The next morning, Regulus is slowly munching his way through a bowel of fruit at the breakfast table when he notices the familiar band of Gryffindors come in.

James looks absolutely wrecked. Regulus is sure he’s seen James look healthier after infamous Gryffindor parties than he does in that moment. Regulus is tired, sure, but tired is such a permanent look on him he’s sure no one can tell the difference between a full night sleep and an all-nighter on him. James, however, it’s glaringly obvious by the way his shoulders are slumped, puffy eyes bruised and the slow way he drags the fork from his plate to his mouth.

Regulus feels bad, but then James looks up, meets his eyes across the hall, and smiles.

A tightness eases in his chest then.

He manages a small smile back.

— tbc.