Belle
Belle
Initially, ignoring Remus was slightly challenging and I found myself itching for, what I had thought was, nasty but playful bickering. However, I couldn’t shake Rose’s expression when she warned me about him. Of course, Rose didn’t know Remus well enough to know anything definitive about him but I was still shocked that she picked up on his hostility so quickly. Even our friends were oblivious to Remus’ hot-headed attitude directed towards me or perhaps they just didn’t see how much Remus truly despised me. Regardless, I fought the desire to antagonize him and instead found myself focusing on learning outside of my normal studies.
Defensive Magic was becoming fascinating to me; likely because I wasn’t sure if my life was in danger or not. I know I was being dramatic and Remus wouldn’t ever seriously hurt me. Unfortunately, there were worse things in the Wizarding World than Remus Lupin. So, I began my work with healing and protection charms, as I assumed they would be the most forgotten and therefore the most in need. Next, I pondered over what skills were most vital in battle. Accuracy, I thought, was crucial to being successful in a fight. So I drilled every spell I could find into my head, over and over and over again. Eventually, I moved on to learning magic that was not commonly taught at Hogwarts, like the Blasting Curse.
On Monday evening I make my way back to the dining hall for dinner after an intense practice session. While I walk, I imagine what my Dad might say if he could see me now. I wasn’t a fully realized wizard but I was proud of the work that I had been doing over these last two months. I suppose I have Remus's irrational hatred for me to thank but I would sooner bathe in an entire bathtub of slugs before I told anybody that. I’m just about to round the corner into the Great Hall when a brown owl flies into my face and I fall flat on my ass.
I groan and look around to see if anyone noticed and sure enough Lily rushes over to help me up with James jogging behind her.
“Thanks,” I let out a bashful laugh as I let Lily help me to my feet. “That was quite a hyperactive owl, huh?”
“He came out of nowhere!” Lily agrees. I gasp and look at her, playful shock expressed on my face as I lean in and whisper,
“Do you suppose that was a ‘magic’ owl?” Lily gasps in return, playing along with the bit. “A disappearing magic owl! How delightful! Shall we name him?” Lily picks up the owl and smooths down its feathers.
“How about ‘Idiot Bird-Can’t Fly Straight for Shit-Potter’ after my favorite cousin?” I grin at James as Lily laughs loudly. He ponders the name, “Well it does seem to make Evans smile and Merlin knows I love that.” Lily blushes but doesn’t offer a retort.
As James hands me a letter he corrects my brilliant name, “Though the name might not be entirely accurate. Seems he was delivering this to you.” I take the letter from him. It was heavy and sealed with a golden wax rose. I turn the letter over to see my name written beautifully as if each letter were carefully stenciled.
“I’ll be there in a moment. You guys go ahead but save me a seat!” I tell them and they walk in without me.
Carefully, I break the seal and remove a small piece of firm paper. It reads,
‘My perfect girl,
After all these years of being apart, my heart yearns to see you again. Are you ready for another adventure?
Where shadows intertwine ‘neath midnight's cloak,
Where the darkened wood and waters evoke,
When the week's end arrives with a hallowed sound,
Seek where Forbidden meets Lake profound.’
I didn’t stay in the hall for very long. After I read the note 3 times over I roused from my trance-like state and walked calmly back to my dorm, crawled into bed, and drew the shades closed. It had to be Mum. I don’t see how but I knew that I was no one else’s perfect girl. I felt the tears well in my eyes and my body shake with sobs as I floated from shock into blissful acceptance; my mum came back for me.
***
When I woke up the next morning, the letter was still clutched dearly in my hand. I smoothed it out and read it again. The riddle was simple and I easily solved it, I would meet my mum again near the Forbidden Forest and a feeder river for the Black Lake on Friday at midnight. I folded the note in half longways and stuck it in a book such that only a small bit peaked out. As I readied myself for the day, I thought about writing Auntie ‘Mia to let her know what had happened but I decided against it. Auntie was my Father’s older sister and while I know that my mother was not present the night he died, I do know that she disappeared after. Besides, my Aunt always worried too much. I wanted this meeting to be just mine, at least for now.
Classes go by far too slowly over the next week. I kept the copy of ‘Unveiling Umbra: A Comprehensive Guide to Shedding Light on Beasts of the Night’ close by and re-read the letter whenever I could. Teachers and friends alike sounded faint in my ever-roaring ears. My mind swirled with every possibility the meeting held.
I would recognize her immediately and run up to hug her. She would emerge from the trees with a wide smile and open arms. She would grab my face a gaze at me lovingly while she took in 7 missing years. She would ask me about everything. Perhaps I would introduce her to a 17-year-old James next time, he would love to see his Aunt again!
Unfortunately, this obsessive daydreaming got me 20 points taken away and a Friday evening detention from McGonagall for excessive wandering of thoughts. No matter, I would simply go off to meet my mum after detention.
***
I stride down the stairs of the common room on Friday, taking two at a time. When I get down I am happy to see Lily and Rose are already present and working on Astronomy charts. I twirl in my casual wear and my skirt flares around me. I might’ve dressed up a bit, I didn’t want Mum to think I was a disheveled, slob!
“I’m off to detention!” I sing-song. Rose and Lily look up at me, then at each other. Rose stands up, “Are you alright? You’ve been acting strange all week.” She reaches out to feel my forehead.
I swat her hand away, “I’m fine!” I make some excuse about how I’m going to be late and start the walk toward the Transfiguration Classroom. I’ll probably just be grading first-year assignments. I don’t think McGonagall likes punishing me too much. As I enter the courtyard outside the classroom I hear a commotion and of course, James, Sirius, and Peter are messing about with fireworks. I walk toward them to greet them quickly. Sirius whistles when he sees me.
“Knock that off, Sirius,” I say, rolling my eyes. James looks at me and furrows his brow. “Why are you dressed like that?” I didn’t think this would be such a hot topic of conversation. Sure I usually opt for jeans and sweaters in the evenings but I wear the occasional skirt.
“I just wanted to wear this, is there a problem?” I ask defensively. James holds his hands up, “No of course not!” Sirius crossed his arm and mused, “Dressing up for Moony, eh?”
I look at Sirius like he had just sprouted an extra head, “Excuse me? Why on Earth would I ever, ever, consider doing that?”
Sirius gasped with genuine excitement. “You don’t know?” It wasn’t a question, it was more like a fucked up gloat. I groaned when the implication hit me. James grinned and clapped a hand on my shoulder, “Moony got detention the other day while he was covering for us.”
“Why is this my life,” I feel my stomach drop as I imagine facing Remus for the first time in weeks. James continues over me, “This will be a good chance for you two to kiss and make up.”
“Stop that right now, I will vomit.” I poke his shoulder and turn to James. “Besides I haven’t done anything to that prick.” They all roll their eyes. “Whatever,” I scoff. I direct my attention to James, “We should talk soon. I have something important to tell you.” James looks confused but nods.
“You can’t keep secrets from me, B!” Sirius pouts but I’m already heading toward the classroom. I walk away faster than usual and it certainly has nothing to do with the tall, fluffy-haired boy that had just rounded the corner heading for the Marauders before detention.
***
I dropped my bag on top of my usual desk toward the back of the classroom and lean against it with my arms crossed waiting for Professor McGonagall and, I guess Remus, to join me. Remus walks in first with his hands stuffed into his pockets and a messenger bag slung across his body. I avert my eyes from him although he’s not even looking at me. We wait in silence and I feel a familiar emotion raise in my chest, anger. I used to be self-contained; before his confrontation, I felt sure of myself and confident in my rivalry with him. I hated how he had reduced me to a scampering coward. I was a bloody Gryffindor for Merlin’s sake! Anger bubbled over and I began to see red as I reflected on how he had utterly eviscerated my self-esteem over the last month. I hated him. Just as I was about to turn around and scream exactly that at him, McGonagall walked in with a stack of parchment. I was right, we were grading papers tonight.
Remus sits in front of me and after a time McGonagall leaves us to finish up for the evening. She gives Remus the keys to lock up and heads to do whatever it is teachers do after hours. After about 15 minutes, I look up and see Remus is much farther along in his tasks than I am. Before I think better about what I am doing, I grumble, “Are you even reading them?”
I immediately regret what I say because Remus stills in his markings and turns his head slightly, “What was that?” I silently curse my giant mouth as I squeeze my eyes closed for a moment's respite. I compose myself and the anger from earlier easily starts to rise in my body.
“I noticed you’re barely looking at those assignments.” I scold him, “How exactly do you expect these students to learn anything if you don’t give them adequate feedback, hmm?” Fuck it! I think. I’m not going to fit myself into a tiny, soft-spoken box just to make him more comfortable. Remus stands up and turns toward me but I quickly stand and grab my wand, ready to defend myself if I need to. He raises his eyebrows at me and lets out a surprised chuckle.
“Scared, Clarke?”
“If I were you I certainly would be.” I spat back at him. He scoffs, “I’m shaking.” He roughly grabs the stack of papers and slowly walks to my desk setting them down only slightly aggressively. He is likely waiting for me to check over his work but I don’t move my eyes from his. It felt like if I looked away for even a moment, I would be opening myself up to weakness and that would be a colossal mistake. He motions for me to take the papers but I don’t move. He looks at me frustration playing on his face at my uncooperative state of being. Then he takes the moment to look me up and down and he scrunched up his nose in distaste.
“Sirius said you had dressed up for me but I didn’t expect something this awful,” He walks a few paces to the right, “You look utterly boring. Next time wear a pair of those tight little jeans if you want to impress me.”
Perhaps under different circumstances, I would’ve acted differently but I was so angry that I couldn’t see straight. I clench my jaw and drop the hand gripping my wand to my side as my simmering rage boils over.
“Fuck you, you misogynistic asshole. Do you enjoy being an intolerant monster? I haven’t spoken to you in weeks and you still can’t leave me alone. What the fuck is your problem!” I scream at him.
I realize I’ve been moving closer to him and we were nearly face to face. I go to raise my wand to him he moves with an agility I didn’t know he possessed. He grabs my wand hand and pushes me against the back wall. I feel my head collide with the back of his hand briefly before he slides it back around to grip my jaw tightly. He leans in with his eyes ablaze with anger and a scowl on his full lips.
“You don’t know anything about me! Don’t you dare–” He starts harshly but I quickly interrupt him.
“Don’t I?” Something flashes in his eyes but only for a fraction of a second before the anger is back.
It’s then that I remember I have another hand and I go to beat his shoulder but he grabs my other wrist and pins it next to the other. With my arms pinned above my head, I feel the hem of my dress raise to the middle of my thighs. I squirm trying to wiggle free or push the skirt down but Remus pushes in closer pinning my legs apart with his knee.
“Let me go.” I choke out. My voice is starting to shake. “Remus, stop.” I feel my chest tightening as I lost my ability to control my own limbs. Remus leans into my neck and I can feel his lips brush my ear. Something strange tingles inside me as I gasp for air. The scent of chocolate and cloves envelopes me and my eyes flutter for a split-second. I almost expected softness but my eyes widen when his harsh voice utters,
“Is that what a monster would do?” He holds me there for a moment more before he lets go harshly. “Leave, you’re done here.”
I collect myself as fast as possible and run from the classroom as quickly as I can.