Belle
I woke up early the following day and fixed my hair into a single braid down my back. I fastened it off with a thin black ribbon like I did most mornings. I always kept a black ribbon on my person. Mum used to style my hair with them. The ribbons were meaningless but each morning I tied that ribbon in my hair, I would remember how Mum would cup my face, kiss me on the forehead, and whisper, “You look ready for an adventure, my perfect girl.” I smile at the memory.
I’m better at remembering them now. I used to not think about them at all because it hurt too much. I feel guilty about that specific coping mechanism. It’s easier to make space in my life to remember them, now. So, I think of Mum in the morning while I tie my ribbon and Dad in the evening during my walk to the dining hall. Dad loved to cook and I always suspected his love of food started during his days at Hogwarts.
I grab my school bag quietly and make my way down to the common room. I liked to spend the hours of 06:30-07:30 alone in the common room. It allowed me to have some “me-time” before classes, projects, socializing, and homework demanded my attention. It was always so peaceful but the common room was extra magical on the first day of classes because it was empty! Or it usually was. However, today Remus sat on a crimson loveseat facing away from the staircase. I internally groan but continue into the common room. I walk by the adjacent empty couch without acknowledging him.
When I glance at him, I note how exhausted he looks and take my usual seat, one which just happens to be situated across from him. I feel so powerful on days that he looks like this. It’s pathological– pavlovian even, that every time I see the dark circles around his sunken eyes, I get a little excited. I sound psychotic but I don’t think much about it. I stopped wondering what was wrong with me, years ago, when it came to Remus. I cock my head to the side and wait for him to look at me. Then he fixes me with his dark, cold, angry stare and this startles me. I’ve never seen Remus look so scary. I meet his stare defiantly and tense the muscles in my body; in an effort to stay still.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he growls and grips the arm of the loveseat so hard his knuckles turn white. I smirk, cross my legs, and answer jovially,
“I’m trying to enjoy my fucking morning.” I mimic his harsh language and he narrows his eyes.
“The entire common room is empty. Sit somewhere else.”
“No,” I shift my attention to one of my textbooks, Defensive Magical Theory. Remus chuckles without humor. I move my eyes back to him.
“You can’t help yourself, can you? You clearly lack basic self-control.” Remus stands up slowly. The fire casts shadows across his face, transforming his menacing expression into a sinister one. He towered over me, his muscled arms strained against his dark grey long-sleeve shirt, and his hands flexed before they settled into fists. My heart rate speeds up as I realize that, at least right now, he looks like a predator and I feel like prey.
“You think this is a game, Clarke? I’ve spent 5 bloody years watching you saunter about the castle, like an absolute troll, trying to prove that you’re worth a damn. Baby, you’re nothing.” He takes a step towards me. “So do me a favor this year, Clarke, save yourself the embarrassment and get a hobby,” he closes the distance between us and places his arms on the far side of either armrest; effectively trapping me against the loveseat opposite him. “Or this will be a very hard year for you.” He clenches his jaw and stalks out of the common room.
My eyes remain fixed on the spot he had occupied moments ago. My chest clenches as his words echo in my thoughts. I remain in the common room until Rose, Lily, and Alice make their way down the stairs.
***
At breakfast, my heart had not yet settled and my chest was still tight. I was teetering on the edge of a panic attack. I used to deal with the bothersome emotion when I was younger and struggled to feel safe in any space. Time and friendship helped heal that wound first in my aunt and uncle’s home– now my home– and then at Hogwarts.
‘5 bloody years’… ‘save yourself the embarrassment'…
Those words shook my foundation. I no longer felt that I could trust my own memories. I remained in that state until my cousin and his friends walked in. Remus was laughing and walked over to the table looking, normal. He didn’t even look at me. I took a steadying breath and willed my heart rate to slow. I focused my attention on fixing a cup of tea.
James sat down across from me, Sirius slid into the seat next to me, and Remus and Peter sat next to them.
I smiled at them all but averted my gaze from Remus. “Good Morning. Peter, it’s nice to see you! Have a nice holiday?”
Peter, who was buttering a slice of toast, leans in front of Sirius and gives a shy smile, “Yeah, it was nice. I spent most of the time with Gran.” I smile and nod in acknowledgment. Just as I take a sip of my tea Sirius leans over and says, “I do hope you’re planning on introducing us to your angelic new friend, B.” He winks at Rose and I nudge him out of my personal space with a grin.
“Of course,” I chance a look at Remus. He’s not paying attention. “Rose, this is my cousin James–”
“Toerag.” Lily fakes a cough.
“-and his friends, Peter, Sirius, and Remus.”
Remus looks up and flashes a gracious smile at Rose. “Welcome to Gryffindor.”
I narrow my eyes at him. How dare he be so welcoming! I cross my arms across my chest, square my shoulders and I’m about to make some sarcastic comment about how ‘kind’ Remus was suddenly being when his eyes flash to mine.
He’s taunting me. He’s silently daring me to cross the line he set only an hour ago. To provoke him. My chest tightens again and I press my lips into a thin line before I look down at the teacup. I feel angrier than ever and I am just about to get up and leave when Rose grabs my hand closest to her and squeezes it.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you all.” She smiles at them and then turns to me. “It’s going to be a busy week, do you mind walking me through my scheduled classes for the day?”
Her voice is casual but her brown eyes contain a glint of concern. Before I have a chance to answer, Sirius leans over with a coy smile, “I’d be happy to give you the grand tour–”
“Of what, All the broom closets? I’m not even sure you know where the library is, mate.” James snickers at his notoriously promiscuous friend.
Sirius scoffs, “Rosie, you mustn’t let Prongsie’s glasses fool you, he’s utterly delusional. He’s taken far too many bludgers to the head.”
“Perhaps if the ‘so-called’ greatest beater in existence wasn’t so busy showboating for every fan in the stands, then I wouldn’t have quite as many head injuries,” James argues, good-naturedly.
Lily pipes up, “I don’t know you seem just as delusional as the day I met you.” James looks at her with surprise dancing across his features.
“You remember the day we met?” He smirks, “I knew you liked me, Evans”
Lily blushes and scrunches her face up, “I hardly see how I could forget. Seeing how you tormented me for years. Get a grip, Potter, or I’ll have you committed.”
We all laughed and I took a moment to observe my friend. Lily liked my cousin; we all knew that–scratch that–all of us but Lily knew that. But we love her so we let her live in her delusional world where she and James are not hot for each other. She’d figure it out eventually, but perhaps a bit more one on one time might nudge her in the right direction.
“Alright, c’mon Rose.” I tug her arm up from the table and we walk out of the Great Hall with Sirius shouting about a rain-check behind us.
***
Rose and I start walking down towards Central Hall. “So which classes do you hav–”
“What the hell was that in there? That man looked ready to seriously injure you!” Rose exclaimed. “Are you alright?”
I laughed it off, “It's nothing, Lupin and I don’t often get on. That was actually quite tame of him.” I lied. It wasn’t actually tame of him. Until now I thought our relationship consisted of a mild-to-spicy dislike and a healthy rivalry but this morning Remus made sure I knew that he hated me. Whatever semblance of acquaintanceship I thought we had, was never even on the table. I had misread the entire situation.
Rose eyed me skeptically. “Look I know what I saw. It’s none of my business but if I might offer some unsolicited advice?” I nodded. “If I were you I would make sure I didn’t end up in a room alone with him.” She warned solemnly and as off-put as I was by her words, I couldn't help but agree.