Pete had ended up in the hospital wing after the prank had ended up with him turning his arm inside out. They’d had a proper bollocking from Madam Pomfrey about it, of course; if the hex had bounced off the wall and hit anywhere else, say, perhaps, his torso, it would have been a very different story with a very serious patronus home to the Pettigrews. Even as it was, Peters injury was incredibly gory and painful, both to watch and, Remus was sure, to experience. The blood had been dripping off of the repulsive appendage like a piece of dead meat in a butchers, the bones white and shocking. Thankfully, it permitted only a mildy serious owl home.
They’d only been trying to turn the Slytherins robes inside out, with their pants on the top and the rest of their layers in the wrong order. Sirius had been particularly excited to see the girls bras, he wouldn’t stop bringing it up. It had been Pete’s idea, the first he’d had in a while, and the first the Marauders truly thought was worth their while in a long time too. Of course this had only made Peter more excited and though Remus and Sirius had created the hex together, they’d agreed Peter could be the one to cast it. Whether it was bad luck or badly incanted, Remus was unsure, though he suspected the latter, the hex had fired off wonky, crashing into the wall and hurling it right back at Pete. Really he’d been very lucky.
He’d have to spend the night in the hospital wing as Madam Pomfrey healed his arm and got back to normal (the act of turning one’s flesh inside out, it turned out, was not, in fact, an easy fix.) Remus could still hear his shrill screams echoing through his skull.
“I can’t believe it! I just can’t believe it, first proper, quality Marauders prank in months and the little twat fucks it up!” Sirius moaned on their way up the stairs to their room. “And somehow, we’re getting the blame? We got told off for it, we never even did shit! It’s his own fault for making such a twat of himself.”
“I think he’s had punishment enough, don’t you mate? I mean did see his arm?”
“Good gracious, you know, I think I must have missed that Potter. What did happen to the poor fellows arm?” Sirius drawled dripping with sarcasm as James opened the door to their dorm.
“Ha ha. I’m just saying, there’s no need to be so harsh on him, I think he got the message he that fucked up, himself. I don’t think he’ll need you to spell it out for him.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I feel sorry the poor fucker, but it well and truly is his own fault.” He flopped down on his bed.
“Sirius, all Potter’s saying is not to give him a hard time tomorrow, ok?” Remus interjected, opening his book as he lay down.
“Ok, but-“
“Ah! No buts.” Remus pointed a stern finger at him.
“B-“ he started again before he was shut down by James’ finger.
“Moony, have you got any of those Welsh Cakes your Mum sent you, left? I can’t believe we missed dinner for that shit show.” James wined, now rubbing his stomach. He and Sirius had already raided the chocolate Barfi his mother had sent the other week before Remus or Peter could even dip a finger in; Remus hoped he regretted it now.
He rolled his eyes, grabbing the Welsh Cakes from his bedside drawer and chucking them at James without looking up from his book. “Seriously, you’re just as bad as this idiot.” He pointed at Sirius with his wand, still not looking up.
“Hey!” Both James and Sirius exclaimed.
Sirius threw a pillow at him, but Remus managed to stop it with his wand and send it flying back at twice the speed so that it released feathers when it hit Sirius square in the face.
“Arsehole.” Sirius muttered around his Welsh Cake.
Remus simply flipped him the bird and immersed himself in Maurice. He was sure none of his friends cared what he was reading but he changed the dust jacket just in case Sirius took it upon himself to snatch it from his hands and have a look himself. He feared that would cause rather an awkward silence between them. And there had been enough of those recently.
Remus was sure he was making it up, maybe the awkward silences were only awkward on his part; where they had once been relaxed and comfortable in each other’s presence, Remus found himself staring at Sirius, that bubbly feeling in his stomach, only for him to notice Sirius staring back, questioning and the silence was suddenly filled with stiffness and side eyes. Or maybe it was the way that every time he woke up naked on the floor of the shack nowadays, Sirius was always waiting over him to cover him in a blanket, so he was the only one to see Remus so exposed; he both appreciated those moments and hated them for how vulnerable they made him feel. He almost hoped it was just the aftermath of the prank but they’d both made sure to push past that. Remus had only recently become aware of his feelings for Sirius and ever since, he couldn’t help but feel that Sirius had clocked on too.
James and Sirius had got themselves into one of their little play fights. As they had got older, their play fights mainly consisted of hurling witty insults at each other and putting on a domestic, only occasionally escalating into tackling or hitting like it had been when they were younger. They went back and forth for a while like they always did, Remus too used to them to be bothered to try and catch on.
“Moony, settle something for me.” James said.
“Prongs?” Remus asked, rubbing his eyes and putting down Maurice, knowing there was no point going back to it if he was getting involved now.
“Which one of us is the better kisser?”
Remus stared at him wide eyed, somewhere between shock, confusion and panic.
“Prongs, how the hell am I supposed to know that? Go ask one of the girls or something.”
“No, no, no. Who do you think would be the better kisser?” Sirius interjected smugly, jumping up and down on his bed like a child.
Remus flushed. “How-what-why even? Why does it matter?”
“Well, I just know I’m a better kisser than Prongsy-boy here and he’s in denial.”
“Prongsy-boy here is not in denial, simply aware of the facts.”
Remus shuffled towards the end of his bed, peering at them. So this is a pride thing? “Well. In that case I think it’s clear. We all know who the best kisser is, without a doubt.”
James and Sirius peered closer, eager to hear what he had to say.
“It’s Pete.” He said as nonchalant as possible.
That time the pillow did hit him square in the face before he threw it back.
“I don’t know what to say boys,” he got up to tidy his desk space, “Unless you both kiss the same person, you’ll never know. So I guess I’m just no help.” He turned around once he was finished, shrugging. James and Sirius were doing that weird telepathic thing they did before turning to him expectantly. “What? Fuck, what are you two planning?”
“I think, Mr Moons, you’ve just solved our problem.” Sirius smirked at him.
Remus’ stomach plummeted, he’d just handed that to them. Idiot.
“No. Nope. Don’t even think about it.”
“Well, you are a pair of lips.”
“Is that all I am to you?”
“Of course.”
Remus lifted a hand to his heart as if he had been wounded and took a melodramatic stumble backwards before saying, “I knew of course, all these years. You’ve only wanted me for your own gratification.” He lifted a hand to his face, as if in distress, “Padfoot, you’ve used me.”
Sirius, always one to take it another step further, put on his best American drawl, “Oh, Honey. Is it really using you when you make me feel so good?” They grinned at each other. “You’ll do it then?” He asked, back to the Queen’s English.
Remus’ pulled his face into his sternest deadpan and replied, “No.”
“Come on Moons!” Sirius ran over tugging on his jumper sleeve. “It’s just a bit of fun. It’s only a bit of a snog.”
“Padfoot.” Remus tried to stare him down, it had been working less and less recently, much to Remus’ chagrin.
“C’mon Moony!” James joined in. “Tell you what! We can get the booze out, that’ll help loosen you up and we can get the music going.” He said pointing at Sirius and his player as he skipped back over to his bed to grab the unopened stash they had collected from Christmas that lay hidden under it. “But for the love of Merlins saggy tits, no more Bowie!” He shouted as Sirius went to reach for Diamond Dogs. With a pout, he pushed it back in place and selected Aftermath instead.
Never one to turn down a night of getting shitfaced Remus finally agreed, frustrated they knew how to get to him so easily, but it was a Friday night and he truly had no reason to refuse. He could only hope he wouldn’t feel so awkward about kissing James and Sirius when there was alcohol buzzing in his blood, that or by the time they were truly fucked, the other two would have forgotten.
It was when they were nearing the end of the b-side of Electric Warrior that Remus started to feel to tipsiness kick in, the numbness and the trademark lack of gravity his brain seemed to have, it was kicking in properly now. James and Sirius had been gone long ago and had so far managed to burp the alphabet and charm the smoke from the fire into a small lady on the hearth, stripping.
“I think it’s about time you gave us those kisses we’re owed Moony.” James slurred pointing at Remus cheerily. “You’re drunk. Finally. I can tell y’know, I can always tell.” He laughed, putting a hand on Remus’ chest, making him freeze up a bit, he hadn’t expected him to be so forward.
“Wowowow!” Sirius protested with a pout that made his cute lips even more alluring. “Who says you get to go first?”
James was properly in Remus’ personal space now, pushing him against his bed frame. “I do.” He smirked. Before Remus could even think, James had moved his hands up to grasp his jaw and pull him forward.
This was it. James Potter was actually kissing him, right on the mouth.
With tongue.
For someone with such little experience, James was astonishingly good, so good Remus couldn’t help feel himself lean in a little. By the time they had pulled apart, Sirius had flipped Electric Warrior to the A-side again, too drunk and too eager to bother finding another record.
Remus’ face felt very hot, like flames were licking up his neck.
James peered at him, “how was that?”
“Yeah, how was that?” Sirius contributed, joining James in staring at Remus.
Remus was left a little speechless. “Uhh. Yep. Good. Yep. Good quality kiss.” He gave a weak thumbs up.
“Oh my god, Moony! Was that your first kiss?” James suddenly screeched.
Because he didn’t think he should explain how he had spent the summer with his neighbour, Dylan, Remus simply played along and nodded.
“Oh, Prongs!” Sirius wailed.
“Moony!” James cried, melodramatic as ever, hand over heart. “I’ve practically taken your virginity!”
“Prongs, how could you! You bastard!” Sirius slapped him about the face.
Suddenly, as Sirius’ moves always were, Remus found their faces close together, Sirius grasping his jaw, long, thin fingers reaching into his hair. All Remus could do was stare into his eyes. Until, quickly, Sirius put their lips together. But this kiss was anything but chaste. It was long and languid and all tongue, proper tongue, soft and gentle but dominating and all so, so Sirius. Cosmic Dancer was playing somewhere in the background.
“I was dancing when I was eight
I was dancing when I was eight
Is it strange to dance so late?
Is it strange to dance so late?”
And then he was gone, and that moment of pure ecstasy was over, the one kiss he and Sirius would ever have was gone.
It was then that Remus noticed the girls poking their heads into the dorm, almost comically, one on top of the other each in their night things, Marlene in a ratty jumper he was sure used to be his and Mary in her silk bonnet. James had noticed first and was smiling dumbly at them. Sirius had clearly heard the door open and pulled away as fast as he could and was now sitting back next to Remus against his bed, awkwardly.
“Orgy is it boys?” Marlene asked from the top of the totem pole, brow raised.
Lily wrinkled her nose, “Must be what they get up to when Pete’s not here, Marls.”
Mary, from the bottom, was mainly eyeing up their stash of alcohol. “Drinking? Without out us, lads? Do you even love me?”
James, as if he had suddenly remembered how his mother had always taught him to be a good host, ushered the uninvited guests in and they all sat down around the fire grate, in their usual spots. When Remus turned to Sirius, he noticed a faint, uncharacteristic blush on his pale cheeks and quickly turned back to the circle.
The girls seemed to be looking at them expectantly, waiting for an explanation.
“We and uh- James and I were just testing who was the better kisser.” Sirius rushed.
Marlene smirked, going straight for the vodka that Remus had smuggled back. “And this was such a pressing matter?” She asked taking a swig.
“It was, as a matter of fact.” Sirius replied, finding some of his cool once more.
“And this is just you and James?” Mary joined in, snatching the vodka from Marlene.
“Yes?”
“Well.” Lily said with an authority that seemed to bring the attention to her over the small chaos that was bubbling. “I think we’re ignoring the fact that Remus could quite easily be the best kisser here and you guys wouldn’t know shit about it.”
“Merlin, Lil. What are you suggesting here? An actual orgy?” Marlene raised an eyebrow. She noticed the little smoke lady, still dancing and stripping, she pointed to it. “This is clearly how they get off around here.”
“Mm. I’m sure that was Remus’ work.” Mary joked.
Lily whipped out a mini bottle of pink gin that she seemed to have been hiding in her dressing gown. “I’m just saying.” She turned to the girls with a smirk, clearly playing with the boys. “James and Sirius need to kiss for this game to be fair and to find a definitive answer. It could well be Remus.”
Sirius violently mimed gagging until he was on his all fours. “That’s incest. We’re practically brothers.”
James looked a little disgruntled. “Well, what about that time in 4th year?” He said with innocence.
“Potter! I can’t believe you brought that up! Besides that was different, we were younger and whatever.”
“Um. What happened in fourth year?” Remus interjected, still recovering.
“We were talking, late one night in my bed and we… practised.”
“That sounds ominous.” Remus uttered going for one of the Mars bars Lily had brought with her.
“Don’t be daft we just had a bit of a snog. Shared tips. Whatever.”
“Felt each other up a bit.” James added, slurring.
Remus wasn’t sure if that made him wish he could have been part of their secret conversations late at night more or not. He didn’t think he would have survived.
“Merlin. You guys really do have orgies.” Marlene said around a crisp.
“Is it an orgy if it’s just two people though?” Remus asked her.
She shrugged. “Exhibitionism then?”
“It can’t have been an orgy. or exhibitionism. It wasn’t even sex!” Sirius was getting red again.
“Seems like you’re getting awful het up about it.” Remus said suggestively around his Mars bar.
Sirius hit him with a pillow again as the girls giggled.
“Come on Remus, whose the better kisser?” Mary enquired.
And suddenly Remus wished the attention wasn’t on him again.
It was definitely Sirius. But was he biased? Would it come across like he fancied Sirius if he said it was him? Did either of them need that ego boost?
“Maybe he needs to give it another go, just to be sure?” Marlene giggled, feigning her usual flirtatious confidence but simultaneously making eyes at Remus acting like his own personal wingman. Or wingwoman he supposed.
He chucked the Mars wrapper at her, “Maybe one of you girls can give it a go, we can get a second opinion.” He sighed heavily and took a big swig from the Vodka bottle he’d freshly snatched from Mary.
“We don’t need to make this more of an orgy than it already is.” Marlene said, Remus could see the faintly hidden look of disgust in the lines of her face.
Lily sighed, “I’m still a believer that Remus could be the best kisser.”
“Hey, he’s just had his first kiss, he can’t be that good already.” Sirius said from his shoulder, Remus hardly having noticed that he had perched his head there.
He elbowed him in the ribs, blushing. “Hey! I wasn’t that bad was I?”
“No-no. You were. Great.” Sirius looked away and started fiddling with the label of his beer bottle.
“I’s true, he’s star’lin’ly good.” James scoffed his face with stale crisps.
“Well then, even more reason for you two to have a snog then.” Lily smirked.
James seemed so far gone that he no longer cared and quickly leaned over Remus and grabbed the front of Sirius’ shirt. “C’mon Pads, pucker up.” He smiled dopily.
The girls sniggered, before Mary started chanting “Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!” To which Marlene, Lily and Remus joined in until Sirius finally relented and leaned in for a quick kiss.
“Oh god.” Sirius grimaced. “Oh. Moony is definitely better than whatever that was.”
“Oh shove off you great big twat.” James laid back and stuck his middle finger up.
Despite the laughter that tickled all their throats, Remus couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride that Sirius had said he was the better kisser.
In the end Remus couldn’t remember who they had concluded as the best kisser, but perhaps that was for the best, particularly as their impromptu party soon turned to carnage. Several kisses were shared, likely between all of them; ABBA wormed it’s way into the party and never left; at some point, probably at the time all the others were in the bathroom piercing James’ ear, Remus and Marlene shared a fag by the window, at which point she proudly proclaimed that she was “definitely a lesbo.” After whoever she’d ended up kissing that night; Lily finally admitted her feelings for James to Remus whilst they were cleaning up the blood from the clumsy piercing; and Sirius put one of the girls dresses on and let them do him up in make up, at which point Remus had to question things about himself and why exactly he found that so, incredibly hot.
At some point late into the night, they had started pretending to copy the smoke lady, copying all her sexy dance moves, even removing a jumper or dressing gown. This became something of a game, rewarding each other points on how well they thought they performed. It continued until Lily, in a passionate celebration after receiving particularly high points, hit Sirius in the face. After an intense amount of apologies from Lily, and fuss from everyone else, which Sirius lapped up with all his might, he and Remus ended up in the bathroom together trying to sort out his bleeding eyebrow (how Lily managed to draw blood they really weren’t sure.)
“Like the get up then?” Sirius smirked, pointing at his make up and outfit as he leaned in.
“Certainly an improvement.” Remus muttered, dabbing antiseptic at his eyebrow.
Sirius’ hands poked and tickled Remus’ stomach, knowing his weakness.
“Bastard.” Remus said, swiping his hands away, still working at the cut.
“So bloody serious.” Sirius pouted.
“Nope.” He popped the ‘p’, “That’s you.”
Sirius rolled his eyes, then winced slightly with the movement.
“Reckon I’ll get a cool scar like yours?”
Still concentrating Remus replied, “Not a magical wound. So… probably not. Might have a cool eyebrow slit going for you though.” Sirius’ eyes lit up. “All done now, you daft git.”
He was about to move away when Sirius’ hands moved to his hips and an odd mix of warmth and panic blazed through his body.
“Thanks.” Sirius said, voice soft and endearing and somehow the most genuine thing he’d said in a while.
It felt like there was intent in it, like the whole night had been leading to this moment, like Sirius had somehow planned it. The attention being all on Remus made his body flutter with warmth and anticipation until all it took was a flick of the Sirius’ eyes to his lips for Remus to press his lips to the other boy’s.
It was more than he could have dreamed of, better than the one from earlier in the night, it was real and intended. All Remus felt like he could consume for the rest of his life was Sirius Black, like he was a life source. Remus’ hands were in his hair, around his jaw, everywhere. The smell of him stronger than ever, Remus felt like he could touch it, like it alone could hold him, warm and dark and musky. He felt like he could die in it. Sirius’ hands were on his hips, edging towards the bare skin of his torso that lay beneath his jumper.
Outside the bathroom there was a clatter and a bang before Blondie started blasting from Sirius’ player. It made them both jump apart and stare at each other questioningly for a minute.
Sirius’ expression was unreadable, which was disconcerting for someone who so often wore his heart on his sleeve, even when he desperately tried not to. Something snapped between them.
“Look mate, just ‘cause I’m in all the get up doesn’t mean you can be getting randy with me, yeah?” Remus’ heart sank as he frowned, grappling to make sense of it. “Look, we’ll find you a nice proper girl in the morning, half of Gryffindor’s been pining for you the last couple years, it’ll be no trouble.”
He clapped him on the shoulder with an uncomfortable and uncharacteristic amount of blokeyness before sauntering out of the bathroom like nothing had even happened.
Remus looked in the mirror to find his lips smeared with dark pink lipstick and a shattered look haunting his eyes. He desperately tried to wipe it off before he could re-emerge with at least a little dignity.
“Mate”? Since when does Sirius call anyone mate? The prick
Gathering what felt like his insides up to gain some semblance of composure, Remus took a deep breath and the last thing he thought before he opened the door was: Sirius fucking Black. Best bastard snog I’ve ever had and he ends it like that!?