Death Of An Onion Walmart Burger
It was one fifteen when Lily Evans entered the potions class. Regulus knew Lily, of course. The girl was one of the Gryffindor Regulus could actually tolerate. In fact, he liked the girl well enough. He was not supposed to interact with her considering that she is a muggleborn and his parents love the ideology of blood purity more than they loved their own sons (Son, not sons. Sirius was disowned this year. He keeps forgetting that).
He had stayed away from Lily Evans until this year. There was no reason for him to interact with her. She was a muggleborn Gryffindor who is friends with his estranged brother, he did not want to get in further trouble with his parents than he would get in anyways. Besides, she used to be friends with Snape, and Regulus has hated that Slytherin ever since his first day at Hogwarts.
However ever since he has become a prefect, he has to interact with her on a daily basis, because of which he has started to understand why his friends Dorcas and Pandora liked Lily so much. The girl was smart and charming, and Regulus enjoyed talking about literature and muggle things that he did not understand with her.
He did not understand why she was in his potions class though. It was fifth year Slytherin-Ravenclaw potions, and Lily is a sixth year Gryffindor. However, that confusion ended quickly.
“Professor?” asked the redhead politely.
Professor Slughorn, who favoured the sixth year Gryffindor way too much, greeted Lily cheerfully. “Ah, Ms. Evans. How may I help you?”
“Professor, Headmaster was asking for Regulus Black.” she replied politely.
Slughorn nodded. He looked at Regulus and Pandora’s Draught of Peace and beamed, “Mr. Black, your potions seem to be almost done. You may go with Ms. Evans. Ms. Rosier can complete it on her I am sure.”
Regulus nodded, and left after waving her bye. He ignored the whispers about why he would have been called to the Headmaster’s office. He was Regulus Black afterall, he was not known for getting in trouble. That role belonged to his brother. Regulus was too good to get caught.
Lily and Regulus gossiped their way through the Headmaster’s office. When they reached it, Lily said the password, “Dairy Milk.”
Dairy Milk is apparently some muggle chocolate that he had gotten to eat in his second year, thanks to Dorcas. He did not understand why it was so popular amongst muggle, there was nothing special about the chocolate. It was just basic chocolate. And he also did not think he was supposed to eat it melted.
When he walked in the room, Sirius was already sitting in front of Dumbledore. Regulus couldn’t help but wonder what could have possibly happened for them to be here now.
“Ah, Regulus.” greeted Dumbledore with a sombre look. It was rare to see the Headmaster with that expression. It made Regulus feel suspicious of the older man. “Please take a seat. Ms. Evans, you can go back to your class.”
Lily left after that.
“I am sure you are wondering why you are here.” Dumbledore said. “I am afraid we have received some terrible news. And while I know you both have not been on good terms because of Sirius’s disownment-”
“We are not angry at each other because I ran away.” Sirius interrupted.
Dumbledore blinked, confused. “I am sorry.”
“What my brother means is that I am not angry at him for running away and getting disowned.” Regulus replied with far more politeness and tact than his brother.
“And I am not angry at him for staying.” Sirius replied. “We talked it through, and we get each other’s perspective.”
“But Professor McGonnagal informed me that you both lost your house points for being involved in a massive fight.” Dumbledore spoke, slightly confused.
“Oh that. Well that was because this snake said that his hair is better than mine.” said Sirius. “Which is such a lie.”
“Believe whatever you want, little kitty.” retorted Regulus. “Student committee voting clearly said something else.”
“You probably bribed them.” replied Sirius.
Regulus rolled his eyes, then smirked. “Sirius, Potter was one of the people who voted that my hair is better than yours. Do you really think that Gryffindor can be bribed?”
“He was mad at me for eating his cookies!” Sirius exclaimed.
“Boys, boys, please.” Dumbledore clapped his hands to get their attention. “I am afraid we have terrible news. You both can discuss this issue later.”
“Sorry headmaster.” Both boys chorused. “What happened?”
“There was a fire in one of your vacation homes, I am afraid.” Dumbledore replied. “Your parents, uncle Cygnus, and aunt Druella passed away because of it..”
“Wait really?” asked Sirius, far too happy to hear the news of his parent’s death.
“Which one was burnt, sir?” asked Regulus.
Dumbledore looked at the two teenagers bewildered. “I- the one in Greek, I believe.”
“Oh, that is indeed bad news.” agreed Regulus. “I quite liked that one. It was so beautiful, such lovely architecture.”
“It’s fine, we’ll build a new one.” Sirius shrugged.
“I- you boys do realise what I just told you both?” asked Dumbledore. “Your parents, uncle, and aunt have died.”
“Yes professor, we do realise that.” nodded Regulus. “That was good news for us in all fairness. No one really liked maman and papa anyways. I don’t think even they liked each other. When’s the funeral, I will have to get a suitable outfit for the funeral? And does this mean I get my inheritance early?”
Dumbledore did not know how to answer these questions. He did not understand how these boys did not seem even slightly upset at the news of their parent’s death. In fact, Sirius seemed ecstatic to hear the news of his parent’s death, while Regulus seemed to be mourning the destruction of a vacation home over his own parents.
After the headmaster dismissed them, telling them that they did not need to take classes today, the brothers got out of the headmaster’s office. They looked at each other and then said at the same time.
“I am holding the party!”
Then they glared at one another.
“I am older.”
“I am still their legal son.”
“That’s because I refuse to be treated badly anymore.”
“Too bad that means you are not in the will anymore.”
“Then you’ll let me hold the party?”
The brothers did a staring competition, which Regulus won by a slim margin.
“That meant nothing.” announced Sirius as the brothers’ headed towards the great hall.
“That meant I won.” replied Regulus. “Anyways. How about we both hold a party? They were terrible enough that we will need more than one party to celebrate their death.”
Sirius grinned at his brother. “Now that’s a brilliant idea. Okay, I hold one in the Gryffindor common roon on Friday, you hold one in the snake pit on Saturday.”
“Sounds brilliant. We should write a letter to Andy, I haven’t spoken to her since she was disowned.” Regulus admitted.
“Sounds like a plan, little snakeling,” said Sirius, ruffling his brother’s hair.
After separating from his younger brother, Sirius went to find his friends. He found them in the great hall, James throwing a chocolate ball candy while Peter caught them with his mouth. Remus was seated next to them, reading some muggle book by Agatha Christie.
“Marauders!” exclaimed Sirius. “We have a very important task.”
“Don’t tell me you want us to prank Snape again.” Remus said. “I still have nightmares from the smell of his shampoo. I think I need a few weeks break.”
“Snivellous used shampoo?” asked James, baffled.
“He uses a three in one shampoo.” replied Remus. “Although it smells more like Mulciber’s socks than an actual shampoo.”
“How would you know what that smells like?” asked Peter.
Remus shuddered, “You don’t want to know.”
“Hey, don’t talk about Mulciber’s socks, I have good news.” Sirius said, upset that the attention was not on him anymore.
“You were in Dumbledore’s office, right?” asked Peter. “I thought you got in trouble.”
“I am wounded, Wormy.” Sirius said dramatically. “Headmaster was simply sharing some good news. And because I am so happy to hear it, I have decided that we are going to celebrate it by organising the most epic party on Friday.”
“What good thing happened that made you want to party?” asked James.
“Don’t be silly Prongs, Sirius would party if his favourite raindrop won the race of falling first.” said Remus rolling his eyes. “He doesn’t need a reason to party.”
Sirius shrugged, that much was true. “While that is true, my deerest Moonpie, I do have an excellent reason to party.”
“And what is it?” asked a blushing Remus.
“Walburga and Orion are dead!” announced Sirius cheerfully.
“What? Are you serious?” asked James filled with anger.
“Yes I am.” replied Sirius.
“Not the time Pads.” James said. “That’s not fair that they just died. Now I can never be their murder! That’s so unfair!”
“That is a very unusual response for finding out your best friend’s parents are dead.” commented Remus, although it was obvious that he was happy to see his boyfriend happy. “Are you okay with it though?”
“Oh yeah, I am great,” said Sirius. “Reggie is a bit upset though. The vacation home in Greece caught fire, the reason for mummy and daddy dearests’ death. He really liked going there.”
“Your brother is upset about the vacation home after finding out your parents died?” asked Peter, amused. “You both are something special, I must say.”
Sirius grinned at his friend, “Don’t I know it, wormy?”
“Reggie! My favourite boyfriend!” Barty exclaimed cheerfully as Regulus entered the common room. “Where have you been loca?”
Dorcas, who had been sitting next to him sighed, “I regret showing you guys Twilight.”
“I would like to know why Dumb Dora called you.” Evan stated. “Also, I am offended Bartemius. I thought I was the favourite.”
“I love you both equally baby.” replied Barty.
“Well the headmaster called because of good and bad news.” replied Regulus. “What would you idiots like to know first?”
Pandora, who was in the Slytherin common room despite not being a Slytherin, said. “Let’s hear the bad news first.”
“The vacation home in Greece caught fire.” Regulus answered dejectedly.
“The one in Athens? Well that’s a bummer, the swimming pool there was magnificent.” Evan sympathised. “And the good news?”
“Mamam, papa, uncle Cygnus, and aunt Druella were in it when it burned.” replied Regulus, now having a slight smile.
“Onion Walmart Burger are dead?” shouted Barty with excitement. “Hell yeah, that’s great.”
Other Slytherins that were present in the room looked at the fifth year Slytherin with confusion. They did not know that Onion Walmart Burger was the “ship” name that the four friends had made. It was not that they actually shipped them, they just thought that it was funny as twelve year olds.
“Barty sit down.” hissed Regulus.
“How are you feeling about this development, Reg?” asked Pandora gently. She knew that despite the fact that he was only staying around with his parents to get his inheritance, there had been a part of him that wanted to be loved by his parents.
“I don’t know? I think I should be upset?” Regulus said. “Instead, I feel like hosting a party.”
“Host a party, that’s better than being upset.” Barty agreed.
“We are hosting a party, Barty.” replied Regulus. “Sirius is hosting one on Friday and we are hosting one on Saturday.”
“Two days of free alcohol?” asked Evan. “Man, your parents should die more often.”
“That’s not how death works.” Pandora chimed. “And if you are happy about their death then you should definitely throw a party.”
“And we have to make it better than Sirius’.” Dorcas declared.
“Obviously, I am not going to be bested by my older reckless brother.” Regulus replied.
“Is he still upset about you being voted as the boy with better hair?” asked Evan.
Regulus smirked, “Of course he is.”
“We should prank him.” Barty suggested. “How about switching his shampoo with Snapie Snaper’s?”
“Barty, even I am not cruel enough to do that.” Regulus replied.