chapter 2
They slept facing away from each other again. Remus thought it was more appropriate even though Sirius told him he was being stupid. It was mid July and Remus and Sirius were heading up to Georgia for the rest of the summer before returning back late august. Hope was sick. She had been for a long time and Remus wasn't sure she'd make it through the summer and he didn't want to be alone if she didn't. He knew Sirius wouldn't be of much help, growing up in a rich suburb of New York, right over the border into New Jersey. He loved the company, and Sirius loved watching Remus work. He loved how freckly he got, how dark he got and he loved the glow he got too. Remus tried to imagine coming back from a long day with the animals, Sirius making him dinner, cleaning the house, doing the dishes. He couldn't. Sirius was never the best with cleaning, he tried but it slipped his mind frequently. He was trying.
Remus drove a big truck, three seats, big bed, no AC. The windows were down and they were passing cigarettes back and forth. Sirius kept it and Remus didn't want to nag so he turned the radio on to distract himself. He plugged in and connected to the bluetooth they had shitilly set up (wired a connecter to an unused station) He couldn't decide what to put on so he dropped his phone in Sirius’ lap and watched him smoke and scroll on his phone and without looking up “eyes on the road,babe” remus laughed and turned his head back.
He never really thought much about Sirius’ home life much, as it was a taboo in their relationship ever since last year. He knew it wasn't good, it was shotty and his brother had taken it hard when Sirius moved out. He went to a fancy private school in South Carolina, where he met his best friend, James. Sirius got tired of his family, and moved out when he was 17 in his senior year, and started to live with James. That night, actually, Sirius had gone home and when he went for a shower, he left his phone in his room. His parents were strict, big snoopers, went on his phone and found some not very christian things. The complexity of it all hit Remus hard and he couldn't think about it much. He knew his parents found their texts. After that night remus went through their texts, he couldn't find what his parents had been so upset about. There was nothing. He didn't press about, never really asked, knew there was too much trauma around it.
Eventually Remus zoned back in and Sirius had turned on music and was singing softly under his breath. Remus thought he was beautiful, had never seen a man as beautiful as him, and he got confused as to why Sirius liked him. “When was the first time you got high?’ Sirius looked at him funny and put his phone down “9th grade. I had just met James and he stole it from his dad. We attempted to roll a joint and share, we were at a park, it was late and had to be around 12. It was horribly rolled and most of it fell out but we still got high. His dad found out the next day, early mornig when we both smelled of weed and walked into the house laughing at 3am”
Remus thought about his first time high. He was 12 and it was with a boy he met at school as well, though this boy was different. Remus loved him, like no one else. It was a type of love he hadn't felt for anyone else, and the only thing that came close too it was when he held sirius. Maybe when they fucked too. His entire body filled with good feelings. “We should have sex later” Sirius looked up a little shocked. He hadn't said something since Sirius finished talking and as he said it he realized it might be weird. With them fighting maybe it wasn't.. “Yeah, okay.” He let his hand fall into Sirius' lap and squeezed his thigh. He smiled a little. “I don't need to stop by the farm til’ the morning, so we've got time.”
The hotel was nice this time, it was more of a cabin then a hotel and Remus was able to pull the truck up and unload his and Sirius's bag. The room was dark and lamp lit, and he decided it was a good night to have sex. They were both tired from the ride and once they had some water and a bit to eat they headed to bed. It was tense. The air was thick and the room felt stuffy. Remus still had his wife beater and boxers on, and Sirius was naked except for boxers. Remus pulled him in close and held his head as they kissed. It had been a long time since they did anything, a few months now, and he could feel how eager Sirius was. He moved one hand down Sirius's body, skimmed his skin and felt the heat of it, felt his heartbeat against his hand. He brushed over his nipple and opened his mouth wider and let him gasp into it. Sirius was breathing heavily now and Remus dropped his head and let his hands travel farther down. He turned him around, pulled him against his body. Grinded on his ass, feeling up his body “Remus-ah. stop!” Remus turned him around and let go of his hips “are you okay?” Sirius turned back, back to Remus again “yeah.. I'm okay, but maybe we could just do something a little more?” “what? Look at me.” Sirius shook his head. Remus got in front of him. “Oh. you're not hard.”
Sirius looked like he might cry. “I'm just feeling overwhelmed. I'm gonna take a shower.” Remus didn't say anything.
He was asleep when Sirius got out of the shower. Sirius went to the kitchen and sat at the small table. He didn't know what to do. It had just been such a long time since Remus touched him and he didn't know how to react anymore. He thought about leaving or calling James but it felt unfair to make James drive, only to get there by the morning. He couldn't take Remus’ truck.
He pulled out his phone and decided to call James
James? I need someone to talk to
What? Sirius, are you okay?
I'm fine. We almost got into another fight.
Again?
Yeah again
Why? Did he say something?
No. I couldn't get hard.
What are you even saying, you couldn't get-oh.
Yeah.
And he got mad? Im picking you up if he got mad
No! He didn't get mad. He just didn't say anything. We were getting steamy and I just couldn't. I told him I needed more and he just stopped. Got all weird and worried. I was so embarrassed, I mean. It's been so long and I guess my brain just forgot boners were a thing we needed to do.
How long?5 months.
Wow, that long.
Yeah. The first month I was going to cheat. I had so much pent up sexual tension.i needed an outlet. It felt like since I wanted him, I had these deep dark sexual feelings towards him, and I got him, and we had such good sex, so.. Much of it. Then we got in a fight and he just. Stopped. No more sex. And I've been so horny..and I was so horny tonight. Then I couldn't get it up. I feel like a loser
Sirius..you're not a loser. You're scared. It's okay.
Ill call you tomorrow. Okay?
Okay. I love you.