chapter 3
Remus had woken up when he heard Sirius talking in the kitchen. He couldn't make out words but he could hear how tight his voice was and it made him want to run in the room and hold him. For a long time now Remus had gotten these weird feelings, feelings that told him that Sirius was fragile, and had to be taken care of. Spoon fed and swaddled, hair brushed and dick sucked with a hand rolled joint to make him mushy. The feelings grew more intense every time they fought and did not ease, instead every time Sirius grew quiet the urge doubled, made his ears fuzzy with blood and his head light and shaky.
Instead of rushing in the room he walked slowly and tried to steady his breathing. He stopped in front of Sirius and brushed a stray hair away from his face “i.. I need you to be nicer to yourself. And i need to talk about my feelings” his voice was airy and obviously high strung but he needed to get it out. Sirius looked up and all the efforts to breathe were out the door. He looked pained, and there were some emotions in his eyes he couldn't read. He looked away. “I've been getting feelings and I don't know how to fix them. I need you. I.. need to keep you safe, away from the hurt, id make you feel good, and happy and sated id feed you and make you pretty..i-” he let out a shaky breath and looked back. Sirius' lips were spit shined and red like he had bitten them too hard, he looked happy and it made remus’ stomach flutter then turn to goo. “Those aren't bad feelings. Did you think they were?” Remus shrugged. He didn't think they were feelings Sirius wanted to be known, or to be the one they fell on. Sirius rubbed his arms “when do you feel these things” Remus thought about lying. “When you're sad, or sick. When we fight, or sometimes when you're just quiet.” Sirius frowned a bit then seemed to think of the words “I feel that way too. It just manifests itself differently for me. I think it's love, I didn't think you loved me much anymore, but now I think your love has just gotten bigger and you're a little confused..'' Sirius trailed off and tried to gauge Remus’ reaction but really there wasn't one, maybe a little relief. He whimpered
Why don't we go to bed?” Sirius took Remus’ hands and led him back to the bed and pushed him down softly until they could lay next to each other. The air was too warm. “I felt it when we fought yesterday. When we were in the shower too. I got so scared, like I was doing something wrong, that'd mess it all up and hurt you. I never want to hurt you” Sirius was looking at him and a tear slid down his face “you'll never hurt me. Please don't leave me. I'm gonna give you money, I've got lots and lots of it and I want you to have it.” Remus turned around and looked into Sirius’ eyes and tried to gauge the weight of this statement, maybe he was overthinking this, or maybe this was heavy. His eyes were hard and guard as they bored into him
“I'll pay the amount of money you would have made from work monthly towards your rent and the money from your other job can go to your bills.” Remus sat up in bed and cleared his throat “i'm not going to be paid off like a cheap slut. If you want a quick fuck go to the corner because you are not getting it here.”
“That's not what I want!” Sirius was affronted now and he felt like hitting something
“You are not a cheap slut and I won't even stand that for a second!” Sirius got out of bed and pulled on his pants, he was mumbling something but stopped and took a long hard breath before turning around. “I would stoop so low to use you like that, that is unforgivable and i don't know what id do with myself, never suggest that of me” Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius’ torso and pulled his chest to his own. “I don't know how to make you feel good anymore. All i do is hurt you” Remus’ voice was thick and Sirius thought that maybe they should just sleep, forget this happened “you're having a hard time, Remus. You weren't loved properly. I don't think this is a good time to talk about your mom- and I won't, but your dad had an effect on you as a child and you had a hard time in grade school. I've learned to love, with James and Regulus, with you too. And I feel horribly that you haven't, or well haven't learned to identify it, but I love you.” Remus felt like a child and part of him wanted to indulge his feelings and let it overwhelm his sense, but more so he wanted to open up about his childhood. They were working through things weren't they? Oh well, game over.
Remus sat up again and cleared his throat, steeling himself “listen sirius, i want to talk and have you just listen, i had a really bad childhood. As you know for a long time my mom couldn't take care of me and I was left with my dad but there was a time when I was in the foster care system and put in a group home. For the most part it was okay but when I was around 13 there was a guy a bit older, around 16 who I thought was really hot. He had the looks, and the body too. We were allowed to put in request forms for rooming and he told me it was his request. I was confused for a few weeks when we first roomed together but then he'd start coming into the room shirtless, less and less clothes each time. There was a public library down the rode from the home, and i did some research about grooming, a word one of my friends had said when i brought him up, and stumbled upon a survivors of rape forum, i was young and there was a big discourse about whether or not it was rape if it.. Felt good. they said it was, that it was okay, normal. So in the end, after it all, because I was too stupid to leave. After I woke up with him on top of me, and i didnt feel good, I thought maybe I was broken. I know that's not true now, but when you're 13 and get a boner from the breeze and then you get it, and everyone's saying, it's okay if it did feel good, you think, well what if it didn't? I liked him enough, didn't i? It just didn't make sense in my brain at the time. You have this minimal understanding, and you get it in there, and that's it, and my answer was that I was broken.That maybe it broke me ”