Chapter 5
Sirius was so busy the next week trying to convince Reg to see his therapist and going back to work and organising his evenings with James so Reg was never alone for more than the few inescapable daylight hours when James and Sirius were both working that he forgot all about Remus’ second offer for pre-halloween party drinks.
Finally, in mid-october, everything had calmed down enough for Sirius to think about something other than Regulus and his well being. James offered to do ‘reg duty’ as they called it behind his back, and he texted Remus, apologising for how long it took and asking if they could finally get those drinks. He received a phone call in response.
“Hey, Rem”
“Hey Sirius. Thanks for the text. You’re going to hate me for this, but it's the school's October half term and Lyall is here for the next few days. I know this is the opposite of romantic but I'd really like to see you. Would you want to maybe come with me and him for dinner and a film somewhere? He loves the cinema”
Sirius was surprised that Remus was so eager for him to spend time with his teenage brother, but he took it as a sign that Remus was maybe interested in Sirius as more than a passing fancy, that maybe Remus wanted them to go somewhere serious. The pun was not lost on him.
“Yeah, I’d love to,” Sirius said.
“Great, tomorrow? We can meet outside the cinema in brixton? I’ll check what films are on and text you a time. Sound okay?”
“Yeah, sounds more than okay” Sirius replied, unable to help the grin spreading across his face.
“Just to let you know, Lyall has severe dyspraxia.it affects like mobility and coordination, so he falls alot, so I have to pay him quite a bit of attention when we go out. I won't be ignoring you, I promise, he just needs a bit of extra help with some things.”
“That's fine, I get it. Thanks for letting me know.” Sirius said, and they said their goodbyes before Remus hung up.
Sirius spent the rest of the day in a tizzy trying to decide what to wear and the stress of meeting Remus’ brother who he so clearly doted on. Right before he went to bed he got a text from Remus saying “the cinema is doing some studio ghibli festival for the school hols. I was thinking spirited away? Screening at 5?”
Sirius had replied with “sounds perfect” and many over the top smiley emojis, and Remus had replied with a selfie of him and a young boy who had to be his brother giving thumbs up. It was so cute Sirius felt like his heart was melting.
-- the day dawned and Sirius spent all morning lounging around fantasising about his afternoon to come until he realised it was three-thirty and suddenly everything was rushed and stressful and he couldn't find the t-shirt he wanted to wear and his lucky socks were in the wash.
Eventually though, he was washed, dressed and ready and texting Remus that he was on his way. He arrived fifteen minutes early and got off the bus and waited outside the cinema, alternating between scrolling on his phone and looking around for Remus and his brother. At five to, he saw Remus walking up, hand in hand with a lanky boy who looked to be about fourteen. They were dressed almost identically, in thick chunky knit jumpers and jeans, but Remus was in his docs and Lyall was in running trainers.
“Hey” Remus said, smiling. He leant in and kissed Sirius on the cheek again, and Sirius blushed despite himself.
“Hi Remus, Hi Lyall” Sirius said, holding his hand out for the young boy to shake.
Why doesn't he call you moony?” Lyall asked, looking up at Remus.
“Moony?” Sirius enquired.
“It’s my nickname. When I was a kid I was super into like astronomy and especially the moon, like its phases and how it affected the tides. I had all these moon posters on my bedroom wall and it was all I talked about, so my family all called me moony, and it stuck.”
Remus was blushing.
“Can I call you moony?” Sirius asked.
“I mean, yeah, if you want?” Remus said and Sirius smiled at him.
“Right, shall we go in? I’ve got the tickets already. It's screen room four.”
“You didn't have to get my ticket,” Sirius protested. Remus waved his protests away and said very quietly in Sirius’ ear, “it's my way of saying sorry it’s not the two of us, yeah?”
“Fine, but I'm buying dinner,” Sirius said, as they headed to the right place. They had to go up a set of stairs and Sirius watched as Lyall took them one at a time, and remembered what Remus said about his dyspraxia, and wondered if that was why Remus was holding his hand, too.
Remus had booked seats at the back, and he sat in between Sirius and Lyall. As the lights went off and the ads started he leaned in to Sirius and said “hey, thanks for doing this. I know it’s really not ideal, but I don’t get to see him much, and even less in London, and I really didn't want to have to wait even longer to see you.”
Sirius was touched. “Hey it’s fine, I get it. My life has revolved around Reggie these past few weeks, so I totally understand.” he said, taking Remus’ hand and squeezing it in reassurance. For the rest of the film, neither of them let go.
Sirius chatted amiably with Lyall about the film as they wandered around Brixton market looking for somewhere to eat. They eventually settled on burgers, and Sirius watched as Remus helped Lyall cut his into quarters so it was easier for him to eat.
The care and love in Remus’ interactions with Lyall made Sirius just that more desperate to finally have some alone time with Remus so he could have that care and attention lavished on him, and so he could pay it back in equal measure. Remus seemed to be looking after everyone else all the time, and Sirius wanted to look after him.
Sirius walked Lyall and Remus home after buying them all dinner. He was ecstatic when Remus invited him in for a drink.
Once inside, Remus pulled out his phone and said to Lyall “florence?” to which Lyall responded enthusiastically. Soon, the sound of ‘shake it out’ filled the living room, and Lyall sang along, slightly out of tune but with more than enough vigour to make up for it.
Remus led Sirius into the kitchen and poured them both a glass of wine, leaning against the counter like the first time they had been in this kitchen together.
“Sorry, I know there’s nowhere to sit in here, but Lyall would get mad if i sent him to my bedroom, and he would be so irritating if we went in there, so this is the best i can do”
“Hey, it’s okay” Sirius said, sensing that Remus felt embarrassed about bringing his brother on their first date-type thing.
“I had a lovely time today” he said, shifting closer to Remus, and putting his glass down on the counter. “Really, I loved it” he said again when Remus looked sceptical.
Wanting to ease the anxiety he could feel rolling off Remus he decided to be brave.
“Rem, can I kiss you?” he asked, voice soft.
Remus went red and opened his mouth, but then just nodded, saying nothing, turning his body towards Sirius’. Sirius smoothed a palm down Remus’ cheek and jaw before slipping it round the back of his neck and pressing their lips together in a soft, chaste kiss. Remus’ hands settled on Sirius’ hips, and he opened his mouth slightly, but Sirius didn't deepen the kiss. He wanted to start slowly, knowing that until Reg was sorted he wouldn't be able to go all-in with Remus.
Eventually, they pulled away from each other, smiling.
“Hey, do you wanna stay and watch a film with us?” Remus asked, hands still on Sirius’ hips, thumbs rubbing soothing circles.
“Yeah, that would be nice.”
They returned to the sitting room, where Lyall was still singing along to Florence and the Machine.
“Film, Ly?” Remus asked, bending by the telly and fiddling around with the remote before walking back to sit on the sofa next to his brother, pulling Sirius down with him.
They settled on watching a proper disney film on disney+, and Lyall made the executive decision of Tangled, which Sirius had never seen before, and thoroughly enjoyed. Not as much as he enjoyed Remus’ arm wrapped around him, though.
Halfway through, Lily got home and joined them, sitting on a cushion on the floor at Sirius’ feet. Lyall greeted her happily, and it was clear he saw her as a sort of big sister figure, which was sweet, and reminded him of Regulus and James.
When the film ended, Lily took Lyall off to bed, promising he could watch something on her laptop with her. Sirius silently thanked her for allowing him and Remus some alone time. They put on another film, more for background noise than anything else, and spent it trading lazy kisses and chatting softly, wrapped up in each other.
Once the second film ended, Sirius left, regretfully, but not without a few goodnight kisses at the door. He felt like he was walking on air the whole way home, feeling elated at the outcome of the afternoon.
Remus had assured him that they would keep it low-key, just while Sirius was sorting out his brother. Lowkey but exclusive, Sirius had clarified, and they would tell their close friends that they were ‘seeing’ each other, without putting a proper label on it yet. It was perfect.
--
He didn't see Remus in the week leading up to Halloween, because Remus was busy entertaining Lyall; taking him on day trips and such, and the school holidays were a busy time for Sirius, and he was working longer hours than he usually did in term-time.
Lyall went home on the thirtieth, and so Sirius saw Remus for the first time after their perfect first date on the day of the halloween. They had all decided to arrive together, meeting first at Marlene and Dorcas’ flat in Clapham, before getting the train up to Peter’s fancy islington townhouse.
James and Lily had dressed as a gender-bent hercules and megara, with Lily’s red hair making her hercules, wearing a toga, and James in a wig and purple dress.
Marlene and Dorcas had gone as Harley Quinn and Ivy. Remus was shaggy from scooby doo, in his brown corduroy trousers and a green t-shirt, and Sirius had gone as Crowley from good omens in his leather jacket, an all black ensemble underneath and his brothel creepers, complete with red eye-contacts and a scarf.
Sirius had been so excited to attend a party with Remus, but after they had gotten their first drinks, Remus had spotted some old school friends and just sort of… left. Sirius hadn’t talked to him for more than two minutes in the past hour and a half, and even though he hated it, he was beginning to feel very much like Remus didn't want to be seen with him. He was angry, and upset, and the next time he saw Remus he pulled him by the elbow and said “hey, can I talk to you, real quick?”
Remus had nodded, looking wary and led Sirius by the hand out to the front steps of the house.
“Hey, what’s up?” he said, looking expectantly, if a bit anxiously, at Sirius.
Sirius debated how to say what he wanted without sounding too emotional or confrontational.
“I guess” he started, buying himself time, “I guess I just wanted to know why you were kind of ignoring me? I mean, you did ask me to be your date, but then five minutes after we arrived you slipped off somewhere and never came back, and I haven't spoken to you since and it’s been like nearly two hours. I don't want to make assumptions but it feels almost as if you agreed to be ‘lowkey’ because you didn't want to be seen with me, like in front of your other friends and stuff”
Sirius always found it hard communicating what he was feeling, especially if he was telling someone else that they had made him feel negative emotions or had hurt his feelings in any way, and his hands were shaking slightly by the time he finished. Remus must have noticed, because soon his quivering fingers were encased in Remus’ large, warm hands.
“Hey, Sirius hey look at me” Remus said, squeezing Sirius’ hands.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Sirius, I didn't mean to hurt you, and I promise you I am not ashamed to be seen with you, at all.”
Here, he let go of one of Sirius's hands and wrapped his arm around him, drawing Sirius in close.
“Look, I don't want this to sound like an excuse, okay? I realise I fucked up and I'm sorry. It’s just, I had this ex, right? Caradoc. He was a bit of a bastard. He always acted like I was beneath him. Telling me I dressed like an old man, that I should go to the gym more, and that being a school teacher wasn't a good enough career if I wanted to be with him long-term. Whenever we went to parties together, parties like this one, he would always poke these like, backhanded compliments at me when we spoke to other people, or spent the party together as a couple, until eventually one night he said to me ‘look, re. Tonight, why don't you just speak to your friends, and I'll speak to mine? And I’ll text you when i’m ready to leave’ and after that I just learnt to avoid him at parties. He always made me feel like my presence was holding him back and I guess I'm just used to that now?”
Remus took a breath, squeezing Sirius even closer to him.
“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to say I thought you’d be like that, I guess I just wasn’t thinking about it. I sort of associate large parties, especially when I'm going with someone, with the way he treated me. So I guess I kinda felt like I was pre-empting you feeling ashamed of me, and leaving before you could communicate that. It’s not a mistake i’ll make again, I promise”
Sirius pressed a kiss to Remus’ jaw, and then his cheek. “It’s okay. I understand. My ex was kind of the same. Always trying to change me. It sucks, and I never want to make you feel like that. If it's okay with you, how about we go back in there together, and you can introduce me to all your school and uni friends, yeah?”
“It’s more than okay with me,” Remus said, placing a hand under Sirius’ chin and tilting it up until they were kissing, languorously on the front steps until Remus stood up and held a hand out to Sirius, wriggling his fingers.
“Come on then, date. I have to make up for lost time now” Remus said, grinning, and hauling Sirius up.
He stayed true to his word, too. He wrapped his arm around Sirius’ waist and it didn't budge, and he dropped kisses to Sirius’ cheek throughout the night, even mid-conversation with other people, and Sirius revelled in the subtle possessiveness of the touch, in the way remus made it clear to everyone that he and Sirius were together, even if the word ‘boyfriend’ was never mentioned by either of them.
Eventually the party got a bit stuffy, with the amount of people dancing and moving and drinking, and Sirius and Remus went back out to the front steps to soak in the chill evening air, like a balm to their sweaty faces. Suddenly Remus stiffened against his side, wrapping his arm around Sirius tightly.
“Remember that ex I was telling you about?” he murmured against Sirius. Sirius nodded.
“Well speak of the fucking devil” Remus whispered just as a man turned the corner and entered the front gate of the house. He gasped before shouting, way too loudly, “Remus! Re-re daaaarling, how wonderful to see you! It’s been too long”
He said the last bit in a simpering tone, before noticing Sirius tucked against Remus’ side and drawing in a sharp breath. “And who is this then, re?” he said, eyeing Sirius, voice dripping with disdain.
“Caradoc. I didn’t know you’d be here. This is Sirius, my boyfriend.”
Sirius was shocked to hear the label, but a sense of warmth infused him from all his points of contact with Remus when Remus said it with such surety.
“How many times do I have to tell you, Remus sweetheart, that a hot little boy toy like that won’t be with you long when you still dress-and look- like that” Caradoc simpered as if he was offering well-intentioned advice. He was like a crude caricature of the Mean Gay brought to life. Rage overwhelmed Sirius at the rudeness and cruelty of Caradoc’s words, but he couldn't think of anything to say, so he just swung a leg over Remus’ thighs and started to kiss him, slow and deep, smirking against Remus’ lips when he heard Caradoc’s squeak of indignation, and only relenting when the sound of the door indicated that Caradoc had gone inside.
“What an arsehole” Sirius panted, sitting back, still in Remus’ lap. “Don’t listen to him, Rem. I think you’re perfect the way you are, yeah?”
Remus blushed deeply at the compliment, before wrapping his hands around Sirius’ middle and burning his face in Sirius’ chest.
“Thank you” Remus' voice came, muffled by Sirius’ t-shirt. “We’ve been broken up for a year and a half and he still manages to make me feel so shit. I never know what to say in response”
“You don't have to respond, just kiss me” Sirius said, running a hand through Remus’ hair. “I’m sorry he’s so awful. I can’t believe he would be so horrible in front of a new boyfriend like that”
Remus peeled his face away from Sirius' chest, wincing. “Yeah, about that, I’m sorry. I know we said no labels or anything while you get Regulus sorted, but if I had just called you my date, Caradoc would have been even worse. He’s the sort to see that as a challenge and try and break it up, rather than respect it”
“Hey no, no I’m not mad, I understand” Sirius rushed to say, kissing Remus’ forehead to erase the worry lines there. “In fact, I kind of liked being introduced as Remus Lupin’s boyfriend,” he said, smiling slyly.
“Just so you know my attention will still be split between you and Reg for a bit, I would love to be your boyfriend, Remus” he said more seriously, cradling Remus’ face in his hands.
“Will you be my boyfriend then, Sirius Black?” Remus asked, arms locking tight around Sirius’ waist.
“Of course I will” Sirius replied before diving down for a kiss.
--
James, Lily and Remus went back to Lily and Remus’ flat that night. Sirius returned home to his brother, finding him crying on the couch.
“Hey, hey Reggie what’s wrong” Sirius said, tripping over his feet in his rush to get to his brother’s side, feeling too drunk to deal with this sort of thing properly, falling onto the sofa and heaving Regulus into his lap, stroking his hair and shushing him gently, rocking them both from side to side.
Regulus just hyperventilated and hiccuped, tears and snot dripping down his face. Sirius used the edge of his t-shirt to wipe Reg’s face clean, stroking his cheeks and neck and asking him over and over
“What’s wrong, what happened? You can tell me Reggie, please, what’s wrong?”
But Regulus was not forthcoming. Eventually though, he stopped crying so hard, the tears slowing to a stop. He was left, hiccuping with a blocked nose, eyes red and face puffy, his head resting on Sirius’ shoulder, his hands bunched in his lap.
“Hey, Reg. d’you wanna stay in with me tonight? Like old times?” Sirius asked, unfurling his limbs and standing up, reaching both hands out. Relief swept over him with dizzying force when Regulus nodded and grasped Sirius’ hands, standing on slightly unsteady feet.
They made their way to Sirius’ bedroom, where Sirius dug out his thickest, comfiest pyjamas, and then they were under the covers in the dark, curled up nose-to-nose, and Sirius was struck by how much had changed from when they used to lie like this, when Sirius was ten and Reg seven, and Reg would slip into Sirius’ room the night after a bad beating, and stay with him until the morning, and Sirius would always sleep easier with his brother’s little body stretched out beside him; not touching, but close enough to feel the heat that radiated off of Reg’s little body like a furnace.
Reg heaved a sigh, bringing Sirius back to the present.
“You can tell me anything Reggie, yeah? It’s okay” Sirius whispered into the darkness, expecting a confession about their parents' treatment of him, some lingering wound from when Sirius wasn't there to be protector.
He wasn't expecting Regulus to whisper back “I think I'm in love with James”, silent tears sliding down his face as he made his admission, closing his eyes and breathing out with all the force of a man burdened beyond understanding.
Sirius opened his mouth, but no words came.
“I don’t think I can live here anymore, not when he’s everywhere, always so open and kind and friendly and never in the way that I crave”
“It’s okay Reggie, it’s okay” Sirius said, wiping tears off his brother’s face with broad strokes of his thumbs.
“The only place I can think for you to stay is with mum and dad, they would love for you to live with them”
“You call the Potter’s mum and dad?” Regulus whispered, shock lacing his tone.
“They are the only people who have ever acted as such to me, Reg. you know this” Sirius reprimanded softly.
“Let’s sleep now, yeah? Think about it, and I’ll text Effie in the morning. You’d have a proper bedroom there, and maybe you could get a part time job? Give your days some structure?” Sirius soothed, making himself more comfortable. Regulus nodded stiffly, before closing his eyes and exhaling.
The next morning found Sirius on the phone to Euphemia Potter at 7am, as he walked round the living room finding all of Regulus’ bits and bobs that had slowly spread throughout the flat- various socks and t shirts that he had brought from home or that Sirius had bought him in the rough month that Regulus had been staying.
The had insisted he be gone before James got back, and even thought Sirius thought that they needed more time to plan this move, which could potentially add to the trauma Reg had suffered already, the pain in Regulus’ eyes made him capitulate, and he had called Effie as early as he possibly could.
By 7:30, Regulus was showered and fed, and he and Sirius were sweeping the flat for the last of his things, backing up the backpack he had arrived with and an extra duffel bag. They hopped in a cab to Paddington station, where they would then get the train to Wiltshire, where the Potter Home was.
“I hate to not have you around. I worry, you know?” Sirius said, sitting opposite his brother on the great western railway train, their knees knocking under the little plastic table covered in tea stains.
“I know, but I just, I felt like I was suffocating. And I know you’ve just started going out with that man, and I don’t want to get in the middle of that”
“You’re not in the middle of anything. Remus knows you’re my number one priority, and I will come and visit you every weekend” Sirius said earnestly, leaving over the table a bit in his need to make Regulus understand that he was the most important person to Sirius.
“Thank you, frere, for everything” Regulus said, and Sirius jolted. He had forgotten that they had spoken french together in their youth. Only their father spoke French, and when he was away on business they would speak french to each other so Walburga couldn’t understand
She resented being unable to understand her children, and it almost always resulted in a beating for Sirius, who always insisted he was teaching Regulus, rather than saying they took extra lessons at school.
‘Frère’ had become a term of endearment between them, all those years ago.
“J’avais oublié, frere” Sirius muttered, rubbing over the scars on his upper arm that he could feel beneath the thin material of his t-shirt. His thick jacket sat on the seat next to him. He was freezing, but the cold kept him grounded. He had only just adjusted to having Regulus back in his life, and so close to him as well, and now he was losing him again. It was different this time, Sirius knew that, but it didn't feel much different. It hurt so much that Sirius pressed a hand to the left side of his chest, rubbing and applying pressure as if he could ease the internal pain of leaving Regulus behind for a second time.
He breathed in and out slowly, looking out the window, losing himself in the blurred green and grey of the wintry british countryside. November was an unforgiving month. It had hard edges and a heart of steel, and Sirius found it stretched longer with every year that he lived. This year was no different. It was only the first, and the rest of the month stretched out before him, a wasteland without the tentative joy Regulus’ presence had begun to bring.
All too soon, they arrived at their station and Sirius hefted Reg’s backpack onto his shoulders, grabbing the duffle bag, needing to do this act of service for his baby brother, no matter how small it was. Effie was waiting for them outside the barriers, waving enthusiastically in a cheerful yellow tunic and trousers, chunky jewellery adorning her whole body from her ears to her ankles.
She swept Sirius into a crushing hug. She smelt of home, of her cooking; marsala spices and cardamom and apples. She hugged Regulus too, albeit more gently. He looked thoroughly taken aback, though not displeased, which Sirius took as a good sign.
She ushered them into her beat up ford, prattling along merrily as they drove down the winding country roads to the Potter’s home, purposefully ignoring the silence that surrounded the other two men like a vacuum.
Sirius felt himself relax once he was inside, sat at the Potter’s kitchen table, a chipped mug of steaming tea in his hands. He only truly felt at home here, in Effie’s kitchen haven that had cradled him and protected him and saved him for so many years. He let his body relax into the chair that marked his place at the Potter’s table. His place in the hearth of the first family that had ever loved him.
Regulus stayed silent as Sirius and Euphemia talked. They discussed sleeping arrangements; Reg was to have Sirius’ old room on the condition he did not take down the posters. They discussed Sirius visiting- as much as he could manage- and James visiting. Reg stiffened visibly at this, and Effie promised to give him enough forewarning to escape. He nodded curtly, before excusing himself to unpack in his new room.
“He’ll be just fine, dear. I know what I’m doing; look how you turned out” Effie said placatingly, rubbing her slightly wrinkled hand across Sirius’ shoulders.
“It feels like leaving him all over again” Sirius admitted, staring at a watermark forever stained onto the wooden surface of the table.
“I know, my love, I know. But he’s safe here. He will always be safe here. Anyway, tell me more about this new man of yours” she said, and he could have kissed her for how seamlessly she changed the subject, rescuing him from his own guilt. She brought out a plate of biscuits and fresh mugs of tea as he talked, nodded and ah-ing in all the right places, cooing at how her second son was all grown up.
As he talked, Sirius was struck by how much he liked Remus. It was evident in the way he described him, the way he ached to see him again with each word spoken. It was early days yet, but the depth of Sirius’ feelings for the man ran deeper than he expected. A year ago this would have filled him with fear, but instead it filled him with a warm sense of excitement.
--
Once settled onto the train back, Sirius pulled out his phone. 4 missed calls from James and a text that read ‘wtf. Reg’s stuff gone? U gone? What hppned?’
Then, an ominous text from Remus that read ‘hey. Let me know when you’re free to talk. Have something to tell you (not bad, just important)’
Though he really owed it to James to call him first, the sick feeling of anxiety worming it’s way through Sirius made him call Remus instead.
“Hey. Sorry the text was ominous. Lily ghost wrote it for me.” Remus said before Sirius could even get a word in.
“Yeah, it worried me a little, what's up?” Sirius tried to keep his voice even, so as not to betray the cold feeling in his stomach.
“Like I said, nothing bad, just important. Important now we’re boyfriends. I don't know if you ever noticed the scar across my nose?”
“I did. It’s my favourite thing about your face” Sirius replied. He heard Remus sigh deeply, and instinctively knew he had said the wrong thing.
“Sirius. Don’t” came Remus’ voice, deep and stern, probably the tone he used for reprimanding students. Sirius decided to plough ahead anyway.
“I’m telling the truth, Rem. It's one of the first things I noticed about you, that first night at the pub. I think it’s beautiful. I think you’re beautiful” Sirius said, aware of the looks he was getting from the old lady across the aisle.
“If you say so” Remus said, voice disbelieving but no longer chastising. “I got it in a car crash” he continued. “I was young. Maybe sixteen? It was one of those ones where it was no-one's fault. The roads were wet. The bus skidded, hitting the car I was in with my mum. She broke a leg and was fine, but the window by me shattered, impaling me with glass shards. I have a lot more scars. Mainly across my abdomen. There’s a skin graft on my thigh.”
Here Remus huffed a sharp laugh and said “I’m not pretty, Sirius. Not like you are”
Sirius didn't know what to say. Remus was the prettiest man he had ever seen.
“You’re the prettiest man i’ve ever seen” he said, at a loss for other words.
“You’ve not seen all of me,” Remus said shortly.
“Show me then. My answer won’t change, I promise. I have scars too, Rem. I can't explain them like this though. If you can, meet me at Paddington station in forty five minutes. I’ll take you out for lunch.”
“Okay, Sirius. I-” Remus started to say something, but cut himself off. He then continued in a quieter, softer voice, “I’m glad you think i’m pretty”
He sounded so vulnerable in that moment, and Sirius knew that someone-likely Caradoc- had told Remus he wasn't pretty. That his scars made him that way. Sirius decided there and then that he would devote the rest of his life to making Remus feel pretty.
It wasn’t until weeks later that he realised he just wanted to devote the rest of his life to Remus.
--
When he emerged from the barriers in London, hair limp, eye bags dark, tired and drained, he saw Remus standing there, waiting. Just the sight of him infused Sirius with so much warmth he nearly cried.
“Hey” Remus said softly, looking down at Sirius.
“Hey” Sirius responded. “I know I said I would take you for lunch, but I'm dead on my feet and I've had the worst day ever. We’ll get a cab back to mine and talk there?”
Remus nodded, placing a warm hand on Sirius's back and rubbing it slowly. Sirius remembered that James was likely at his flat.
“Shit. wait, let me call James first.”
“What the fuck you tosser. I arrive home to both you and Reg gone, along with all of his stuff? And not even a fucking text?”
Sirius closed his eyes, too emotionally fraught to deal with James’ anger.
“He’s at mum and dads. He’s safe, he’s fine” Sirius said, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“Why didn’t either of you fucking tell me. I was looking after him too”
“That was the problem, Prongs,” Sirius said. The other end of the phone went eerily silent, before a low, angry voice spat “and what the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
Sirius took a deep, fortifying breath and sent a mental apology to Regulus for betraying his secret. “He loves you, James,” Sirius said softly. “I came home to him crying, insisting he couldn't cope and he was in so much pain, Prongs. I had to let him go. I had to leave him again. I don't want to leave him again, Prongs” Sirius said, hot tears flowing over onto his cheeks.
“Shit. shit pads. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. If he asked to go you’re not leaving him, yeah? You did the right thing, okay?”
“Yeah, okay” Sirius breathed. “I’m coming home with Remus. I’m going to explain the family to him. Leave us the kitchen?” His voice was small.
“Shit. whatever you need, Pads. you sure you want to do this? You don’t have to, yeah? You don’t owe him anything” James said, voice soothing.
Sirius stepped away from Remus, immediately missing the warmth of his hand. He walked a few paces away, lowering his voice so the other man couldn’t hear it.
“I want to, Prongs. I don’t know what it is about him, but he’s different, Prongs”
“Yeah, I know,” James said, and Sirius loved him for always knowing what he was trying to say.
“I love you,” Sirius said.
“I love you too, pads,” James said, before they hung up. Sirius took a deep breath before returning to Remus, who said nothing but silently inclined his head to the taxi ranks, a hand on Sirius’ back again, guiding him through the station and into a cab. It stayed there all the way home. It stayed there as Sirius fumbled with his keys, and then with the kettle, and the tea bags and mugs.
When they finally sat at the little kitchen table, Sirius felt ready to do what he had to. He took a sip of his tea and turned to Remus. He shrugged off his jacket and rolled up the sleeve of his t-shirt.
“These are my scars. Made by cigars. Given to me by my father” he started. And once those words were out, the rest followed.
The darkness of the home he grew up in, the cruelty, the pain. The inaccessibility of his parents; never being praised, or hugged, or kissed. The way he tried to shield Regulus. The way Regulus turned away from him, betrayed him.
The day he was kicked out. The dark murky memories of canes and bruises and tears and shattering glass and raised voices and then silence, and then finding himself on James’ doorstep. Soaked to the bone with rain and blood, shivering with cold and pain.
He told of his life at the Potters. Experiencing real love for the first time. Feeling accepted, and wanted, and cared for. He was shaking by the time it ended.
Remus said nothing, but pushed his chair back from the table and opened his arms.
“Hey, c’mere” he said in a soft voice, and Sirius climbed into his lap like a child, curling into Remus’ broad and solid chest, revelling in the feeling of safety he found there, even after such a short time.
When he had stopped shaking, Remus set Sirius down and stood, taking Sirius’ hand and tugging him into his own bedroom.
There, Remus undressed in silence. He removed his clothes with quick, perfunctory movements until he stood in front of Sirius.
Angry red scars marred his lower stomach, accompanied by smaller silver ones that decorated from his sternum to his hips.
A patch of pale skin sat on the inside of Remus’ left thigh. It was an almost perfect square.
As if sensing Sirius’ eyes on it, Remus said, voice hoarse “the gash there was too big and too deep to heal. I still don’t know whose skin this is.
“You’re still the prettiest man I’ve ever seen” Sirius whispered, running reverent hands down Remus’ chest like a devotee at an altar. He wanted to worship the man before him, make him feel holy; divine.
That night was the first time they slept together. It was slow, subdued, and gentle. Full of soft caresses and whispered sweet nothings. In the afterglow, they curled together, and Sirius traced each of Remus’ scars, committing them to memory.
“No one’s ever touched them like that before” Remus admitted. “Caradoc avoided them.”
“They’re beautiful,” Sirius said into Remus’ chest. He tilted his head up, looking Remus in the eyes. “You’re beautiful” Sirius said, wishing Remus could feel the weight behind those words.