Chapter 10
After his conversation with Sirius, he felt drained like a towel that has been rung out one to many times. He made his way up the stairs to the room that was his for the week and collapsed on the bed without even kicking off his shoes. Staring up at the perfectly white ceiling, he collected his thoughts.
Should he forgive Sirius?
This one thought bounced around and around his head, unable to be sorted into a box. However, the thought that interrupted the most was what Lily’s decision would be. He was worried for when she came here, to the Potters. Worried about telling her, about what her reaction would be. He tried to push the thoughts out, but they were like flies to a dead body. No matter how many times he batted them away, they came back with vigor.
Eventually he heard footsteps coming towards his room. Too loud to be Sirius’, but too quiet to be Peter’s. Within seconds of hearing it, James’ head popped through the opening door frame.
“Moony, mate, you coming back outside?” James said it with that sickly smile on his face that made Remus’ stomach lurch. He was always too nice to him.
“I’m not really sure.” This caused James to frown a little, open the door wider, and take a small step into the room. Remus mentally kicked himself, of course he said the wrong damn thing. “I’m okay Prongs, really. Just kinda tired, yeah.” The use of Prongs instead of James seemed to placate some of his worries, but he still took a confident step into the room and shut the door behind him.
“You don’t have to come out if you're tired or anything, but I… I sent Sirius inside to cook with my Mum.” It was so unlike James to stammer, that Remus almost didn’t hear what he said.
“Why?” Why would he send Sirius away?
James clasped his hands in front of himself before pulling them apart and forcefully putting them by his side. Remus could tell James was nervous which immediately put him on edge. James was never anything but self confident. “Well, when he came back outside I could tell he was in some sort of mood. Then when you never came out, I put two and two together. I asked and he said he talked with you which I had already told him not to corner you. I’m sorry Remus. I swear I won’t let him do it again, just please don’t go.” By the end of his speech James was speaking so fast it was almost hard to keep his words from getting jumbled.
“Wow, wow, wow, Prongs. Who said anything about leaving?” Remus said, tearing his gaze from James’ dark brown eyes.
James put on a small smile that definitely didn’t reach his eyes. “Well I just know you are still having some trouble with him and well I am still a bit worried about you. I just.. well.. I don't want him to influence your decision about the rest of us, yeah. I am not on his side, please don’t think that I would go off with him without you.” At this moment if Remus could kick his past self he would. Hard.
“James, please listen to me. I never really thought you would pick his side. I mean for a while I did think that this might influence how you thought of me, but not so much anymore. It's more about me, not him. What he did was wrong, it was so wrong, but I don’t really know, I just, well, I,” he had to pause to take a deep breath. He looked up at James, meeting his worried eyes for the first time since he opened his mouth, “my thoughts are jumbled, like a lot. I don’t really have much to tell you right now other than I don’t blame you for anything and I won’t run off. Not until at least Lily gets to see me.” He tried for a chuckle and missed the mark just a bit.
“Well good,” James said with another smile spreading across his face. This one more real than the last, but his eyes were still filled with worry “Because Lily is coming tomorrow and if you run off before then she is sure to kill me in your place.” Remus gave him a smile, a genuine one. “Well, come join us if you want Sirius won’t be there.” James nodded his head once and walked towards the door. It took until he was turning the knob before Remus could speak.
“James, wait.” He paused, the door cracked open, and turned his entire body to face Remus. Even took his hand off the door handle. “I…” am going to tell Lily it was on the tip of his tongue, but instead “thank you.” In that moment, Remus knew he made the right choice. James smiled a true genuine smile, nodded his head and walked out the door.
***
Remus never returned to the group. He fell asleep sometime shortly after James left, and slept all the way until the morning sun woke him up. It had been a while since he had slept that long, and that well to be completely honest. He tried not to feel guilty about never joining James and Pete, truly he did try, but it nagged at his gut. Just like the letters did, just like what he almost did to Severus, just like his Mum. He shoved it down, tried to file it into a box like he did for the rest. And it worked, to an extent of course.
Once he deemed it an acceptable time to go down for breakfast, Remus dragged himself out of bed and started to get himself ready. Today is the day, he thought bitterly. The day he will either decide to leave all of his friends or finally allow them to accept him, and it all, unfairly, rests on Lily Evans' shoulders.
He peeled off his sleep shirt absentmindedly thinking about what Lily might say. As he reached for a new one the door flew open.
“Moony! Moony! Lily should be here any-” James cut off his excited chatter the second he took in Remus’ form. Remus quickly picked up the first shirt he could see and pulled it on. “Remus, mate, what happened.” Remus knew the second James entered the room that he saw them. The bruises that littered his front. If Remus had turned, James would have seen the splotchy blue, yellow, and purple bruises that also littered his back.
He was embarrassed for James to see him like that. He quickly brought his hand up to the back of his neck and rubbed before busying himself around the room. “It's nothing.” He murmured, back towards James pretending to look for something in his bag.
“That wasn’t nothing, and many of those are too fresh to be from the last moon. And don’t lie to me and say that it was just you and your muggle friends play fighting. That is not what play fighting looks like.” He doesn’t want to turn and face James. He could always read Remus like a book. Well, that is not exactly right, he just has some sort of sixth sense for when someone is lying to him.
“Prongs, mate, just drop it. It's really nothing, just had a bit of a spill.” He could hear James move farther into the room. He did not want to think of his father or that house or their living room. He doesn’t want to think about Lyall kicking him when he’s laying on the ground in pain. He doesn’t want to think about how all bruises are different colours because they are in different forms of healing. He simply doesn’t want to think. There are boxes in his mind and he puts all of his thoughts in one and closes it up tight. He knows James wants to know, needs to know. Knows he wants to help. But if James pries the tape back from his boxes and everything spills out… he’s not sure what would come of him.
James was quiet for a few beats before letting out a huff of air. He was only a few paces away from Remus when he started talking in a calm quiet tone, like he was talking to a caged wild animal trying to calm it down. “That really didn’t look like nothing,” Remus could sense his hand coming towards him before it carefully touched down on his shoulder. “Moony, I’m worried about you. Maybe you did take a fall and maybe some are from the moon, but there are so many different aged bruises and-”
“JAMES, BOYS YOUR FRIEND IS HERE!” Effie's voice boomed from downstairs startling both boys. This caused Remus to jump and turn to face James.
Putting on his best fake smile, “Better not keep Lily waiting.” He said simply before starting to walk past James, who lightly grabbed his wrist.
Dropping before Remus could even pull it away he opened his mouth to speak, “Please let my Mum take a look at it, please. I'll tell her to not ask any questions. Or I'll tell her it was the wolf.” James begged. Remus just smiled, shook his head, and walked out the door.
***
“Remus John Lupin, I am going to kill you!” Lily shrieked the second his foot hit the last stair. She came charging at him, her red hair looking like a flame pushing her forward until she collided with him in what he thought was supposed to be a hug, but truly resembled a rugby tackle. It took most of his strength to keep him upright and all of his will to not let out a painful grimace. “What in the bloody hell is wrong with you,” she yelled, pulling back, but keeping both of her hands on his shoulders. “Not a single letter. Not. A. One. Until you are here at the Potters.” She is studying him, he quickly realizes. Looking for injuries and for lies. He is all at once worried that she has some sort of x-ray vision and can see his bruises. Instead he puts on a smile, but when she pushes him back he knows it was the wrong thing to do. “Do you hate me or something? You were perfectly fine, reading all my letters for all I know and just ignoring them. Do you understand how worried I was? Do you?”
He opened his mouth to respond, but was silenced by a quick wave of her freckled hand. “No! I want none of this I'm sorry shite. I want a real answer.”
She stared at him, unwavering, with her green eyes. It's such a calming force, yet a gaze searching for the truth. He realizes he’s never quite had someone look at him like she does. Her eyes say it’s okay, I’m with you, take your time, but do not think to lie to me and he realizes that is why she is so easy to confess things to. He almost wants to say it right then, but instead, “Lily, I know you don’t want me to say it, but I am sorry for upsetting you and for making you worry. I don’t hate you, never could.”
She smiled at him, a sad smile. Like she knew he wasn’t telling her everything, and that the rest was horrid, but she knew he wasn’t lying. She wrapped her arms around him again, this time gentle and loving. After a moment, he hugged her back. She was much shorter than him, but in that moment Remus never felt smaller. It felt as though she covered every part of him, warming all of his wounds. “Well, Remus Lupin, that's good because I could never hate you either. Against my better judgement, I really could never.” That's when he felt it. His eyes stinging and hot. He went to pull away, but she tightened her hold. “I’m glad you're here and I’m glad you're okay.”