Waiting Room

The entirety of the rest day was great. Well if he didn’t count the odd looks James was sending him, or his thoughts about what Lily would say, or just the whole Sirius Black thing.

Effie made them all their very own fry-up. This was a very rare occurrence according to James she said it was too greasy for growing boys unless it was a special occasion. This then caused James to declare it a special occasion and holiday: Lily Day. The day Lily Evans finally agreed to spend time with James Potter. Lily then pointed out she was by no means here for James, but Remus didn’t miss the smile she was trying to hide.

Remus also couldn’t help but to notice Sirius. He did talk some throughout breakfast, not his normal amount, but also not a suspicious lack of talking. He continuously glanced at Remus and then would sharply look away whenever caught. Which at first bothered Remus why is he staring at me? until he realized he was doing the same. He also realized, from staring at him, that Sirius was just picking, grazing if you will, at this food. This worried him.

He quickly shook himself out of it. Sirius Black was not his problem to deal with or worry about. But then why could he not tear his eyes away?

After their delicious breakfast they spent some time playing exploding snaps in the living room, waiting for Peter to come over. Remus spent his time trying to avoid every single person in the room without making it obvious. He didn’t want to think about upsetting Lily all summer nor the conversation he was going to have with her. He didn’t want to think about James seeing his bruises nor just how kind he was to him. He definitely did not want to think of Sirius for obvious reasons (that definitely don’t include how beautiful his elegant hands are). So he plays the game of avoiding eye contact without acting too weird.

He can feel James' eyes like lasers pointed at him. He pretends not to notice. Remus is almost positive James would never tell anyone else about what he saw. He is too loyal, too kind. He would think of it as betraying Remus’ trust, and thank Merlin for that because Remus wants no one else to know about them.

It's easy to say he was incredibly grateful when Pete finally showed up. They all moved from the cozy living room and went outside to the Potters' incredibly well kept gardens and lawn. The Marauders, minus Remus of course, flew with a bit of quidditch mixed in. He and Lily lounged around the vast green lawn reading.

After a bit of time passed, Remus gave up pretending to read. His mind was too chaotic at the moment to truly understand anything. Instead he just laid back and stared at the blue sky. One of the clouds looked vaguely like a dog and before he could help it, he let out a small audible scoff. Because of course even the daytime sky would remind him of Sirius Black. He haunted all of the sky for Remus. He haunted everything.

To rid himself of the thought, he rolled over to see what Lily was reading. When he did, he caught her looking at him. Unlike Sirius, she did not look away. Instead she met his gaze. “Are you going to tell me why you are avoiding everyone?” She raised one perfectly manicured eyebrow and when it was clear he wasn’t going to answer she continued, “you are so confusing. One would think that you being here would cause you to stop ignoring everyone and distancing yourself.” He shrugged. She gave him a pointed look that said you win this time, but I’ll find out the truth and turned back to her book.

After a moment, he got the courage to speak. “I missed you,” it was in a small voice but he knew she heard him.

“I missed you too, but we wouldn’t have been missing each other if you responded to a singular owl,” she said without even looking away from her book.

He let out a small sigh and raised his hand to rest on her book before gently pushing it down until she looked at him. She looked sad, not quite upset with him, but just sad. “I’m sorry I did that to you. I’m sorry I made you worry.” He tried his hardest to express his sincerity through his voice and eyes.

“I know you are,” she said with a sad smile as she rolled onto her side then once deeming that uncomfortable with a grimace to her stomach. “Did it help?” She asked, but quickly clarified, “the distance?” Lily was like that: specific, direct, to the point. But also kind. If he asked her to, she would drop it.

With that knowledge he wanted to answer her truthfully; however, he took a moment to ponder. Did it help? He hated every aspect of himself, similar to before, but now he hated how he treated his friends. He assumed that they would all grow to resent then hate him, but the opposite happened: they got worried. It wasn’t something he truly considered, well maybe for Lily because she didn’t know what he was. But James? He thought for sure he would hate him. Instead he’s always going on about how worried he is. “Not really,” he finally landed on. “It brought me perspective in a way. I don’t really know yet if I regret it, but I regret not sending a letter. To at least say ‘I’m alright, fuck off.’” She looked at him with those eyes and he could practically see the gears turning in her head. “Ask,” he said simply.

“Perspective how?” She responded quickly like if she didn’t ask within the second he would revoke her right.

“On what matters to me. On what matters to others.” He thought for a second, she let him, “and guilt.”

She tilted her head clearly surprised, “Yours?”

He nodded, “and others.”

“Guilt on what? What happened at the end of term?” She was getting too close, half of his brain screamed. The other half told him that this was the perfect opportunity.

“Nothing good,” he finally said. He could tell it was not what Lily wanted from him, but she was so close now she wasn’t going to back down. Not unless he told her to, and he could not get himself to do it.

“And you forgave them?” She said questionably, disbelievingly. “‘Cause it doesn’t seem like that. You won’t even look at James and you won’t even speak to Sirius-”

He cut her off quickly, “James didn’t do anything wrong.”

She looked at him incredulously. “So Sirius did and he took his side,” she didn’t even say it as a question. She said it like it was a fact she just needed confirmed. She thought so little of James, it almost hurt Remus. Why could Lily not see how amazing James is. Much better than Remus himself.

He felt the need to defend him, to show Lily just how great he is. “No. He took my side. Didn’t even talk to Black till summers start.” He wanted to say more. To shout about how James has always defended him, but he just couldn’t get the right words out.

Lily looked confused. Her eyebrows were drawn together, and she had even taken her bottom lip between her teeth. “So why are you mad at James?”

“I'm not.” He said very simply. He definitely did not want to delve into the embarrassment and fear of his bruises. That is not something he wants to or plans on confessing.

She let out an annoyed huff of air. “Really, Remus?” She said it with such disappointment that it stung. “Why did you distance yourself?” Why did he? he couldn't really remember. Only the feelings, the hatred. “It doesn't make sense if you were only mad at Sirius.”

And he broke. The flood gates opened and he feared he would never be able to close them again. “‘Cause he could’ve ruined my life. I thought, no, I think I deserved it, even though I felt betrayed I still think I deserved it to some extent.” He was a werewolf for Merlin's sake, of course he deserved it. “I felt I shouldn’t have you guys, and I felt I was only going to hurt you in the long run so why not do it now.” They would come to their senses, even if James never would. Once Lily found out she would hate him. For lying to her, for what he is. James is delusional, but Lily is level-headed. She would make the right choice. He had to believe that. So he continued in a small voice, “I felt like it was a matter of time and I needed some control. I just” hate myself, hate you guys, hate my life “am filled with hatred.” The longer he spoke the more Lily’s green eyes filled with tears. She looked heartbroken for him, unable to speak.

After a moment she found her voice. “But why? Remus, you are the best person I know. You are so kind and you care to know people.” She rolled to sit up and was so close that their knees almost bumped. Neither backed away. “Really know people, it's like nothing I have ever seen. I don’t believe you are filled with hatred and I don’t believe you deserved anything he did to you. So, why?” It was a kind thought, but she didn’t know the truth.

I’m a werewolf he wanted to scream and he almost did it. But he was a coward, he always knew he wasn't built for Gryffindor. “Because I am fucked up. Always have been, always will be.” That's when a tear finally escaped Lily’s eyes. She reached forward and pulled him tight. It felt good, but when he buried his face into her blouse it was wet. He reached his hand up to feel his face, and felt tears tripping down his checks. How long had he been crying?

“Oh, Remus,” she said into his ear. Pulling back she cupped his face with a sad smile on hers. “One more question then I promise I'm done for today.” He prepared himself. Ready to answer it with the truth. He beat around the bush enough. She was too kind, she needed to know the truth of what he was. “If you don’t forgive him, if you still want to distance yourself. Why come here?” He was surprised by her question. Surprised she would drop his previous answer. But he was grateful. He wanted to spend more time with her before he ruined it.

He smiled and tried to make it genuine. “I didn’t know what else to do. It would have killed me to stay.” And it was the truth, in a way. “I have something to tell you,” he said in a small surge of bravery. “Not now, but before you go. It will help me with the perspective.” She smiled, wiped her thumbs under his eyes, then her own, and layed back down.

***

Laying in bed later that night, Remus considered what he would say to Lily and how. He was informed that she was staying three days. So he had two left to build up the courage to do it. If she was mad, if she did hate him, he decided he would leave straight away. No need to stay, he would be cutting all ties. She would be his deciding factor on his life.
But, how would he say it? Would he blurt it out? He could just give her hints till she figured it out, but that might just be cruel to the both of them. Would he apologize? No, not for being a werewolf, he ultimately decided. It wasn’t in his control, but he would apologize for lying.

He tossed and turned and thought and thought and thought, until he was pretty sure his brain might explode. He then organized his thoughts: what he would say, how he would say it, and Lily’s possible reactions. He put them in boxes and rolled out of bed to use the bathroom before he would try and force himself to bed.

A new thought about Lily possibly telling people about what he was had just entered his mind when he grabbed the handle to the bathroom and pushed inward.

Inside Sirius Black stood. Hands on either side of the sink looking at himself in the mirror, crying. He only saw the scene for half a second before Sirius quickly wiped his face and turned to see who walked it. It was crazy how fast he could change his face. If Remus hadn’t seen only moments ago, he would never believe Sirius had just been crying.

“Sorry,” Remus stated simply. “Should have knocked.”

Sirius grinned that stupid Sirius Black grin, “I should’ve locked the door. I’m done anyways, it's all yours.” Remus nodded, feeling awkward and weirdly small. He took a step farther into the bathroom, but Sirius didn’t move to leave. “Are you happy?” He said instead.

Remus whipped his head to look at Sirius meeting his beautiful shut up that is not helpful grey eyes for the first time since opening the door. He asked it not in a condescending or cruel way, but as a genuine question. “What?” Is all he could think to respond. This was stupid, Sirius had to leave, and Remus had to stop thinking about the stupid question. Because no, Remus Lupin is not happy. Hasn’t been in a very long time.

“I’m sorry. I just mean with Lily here. Are you happy she’s here?” He is staring at him with those stupid eyes and all of a sudden Remus just wants to hit him (or kiss him SHUT UP).

Instead he says, “Yes.” Then took one more step into the bathroom and pulled the door open wider behind him in a gesture meant to say ‘get the fuck out’.

“I saw you talking to her earlier.” Remus knows what he means, but he clarifies anyway, “outside when we were flying.” All of a sudden Remus feels his face flush with embarrassment. He didn’t want Sirius or anyone else to witness those moments. He didn’t even really want to witness them himself. “Does she know what I did?”
Sirius looks sad again, withdrawn. Remus looks away from him. “No. She doesn’t even know what I am,” he whispers, clasping his hands in front of his body then shaking them out by his sides.

When Sirius lets out a surprised gasp, Remus snaps his head back towards the shorter boy, but he can’t find it in himself to meet his eyes. “What? She doesn’t know your a-”

Remus throws his hands up in an effort to get him to stop talking. “Shut up,” he hissed through barred teeth. “She’s sleeping right down the hall.” Sirius would spill his secret, again, before Remus can even tell her.

Sirius clasps a hand over his mouth before quietly whispering, “I’m sorry, oh Godric, I'm sorry. But that's crazy, how does she not know?” His face was so serious, but how could he think that Remus would simply go around telling people.

He was feeling venomous, “It's not something I tell people, only you do that.” Sirius flinched back like he hit him. Remus felt a wave of regret before suppressing it. He only told the truth.

Once Sirius recovered he started to nod his head. He even let out an uneasy chuckle.“Yeah, I definitely deserve that.” He waited only a moment before continuing, “but we know.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “You guys figured it out, I didn’t tell you.” Sometimes Sirius could be so stupid. He never, not once, wanted them to figure it out.

“And she never figured it out?” He said incredulously. “She's much smarter than us.”

“She didn’t share a dorm with me for years,” he said simply. Sirius raised his hands in a gesture that meant he was about to say something, but Remus couldn’t stop looking at his beautiful slender hands. He hated himself for it. “Get out,” he said before Sirius could say anything else. He was mad, he realized. Not at Sirius, or well not solely at Sirius, but for being so distracted by him. By being enamored by him. He shook his head furiously, trying to think of Rhys. He liked Rhys. Liked kissing him, liked to be with him. He didn’t like Sirius and certainly didn’t like to be with him. So why couldn’t he stop picturing grabbing his slender, pale hands pulling him close and kissing him. “Get the fuck out,” he stated more aggressively.

Sirius jumped a little. “I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to upset you,” he said while he walked out and closed the door behind him. He didn’t look at Remus once while doing it.

***

Remus decided soon after he woke up that he would tell Lily today. He was driving himself insane with worry and thought the sooner he knew her reaction the better.

He went down to breakfast a good two hours earlier than he usually would, his nerves too great to lay in bed pretending to sleep any longer. To his surprise, but great pleasure, Lily was sprawled out on the sitting room couch. The two of them seemed to be the only ones awake at this hour.

He sat next to her. “G’morning,” he said, stifling a yawn.

“Morning, Remus,” Lily said, far too cheery and awake for this hour. After sitting together in silence for a few minutes, he realized this was the perfect time to tell her. There was no one around and if things went sour, she was too good of a guest to scream at him when everyone is sleeping. He could also floo home before anyone had a chance to stop him.

“Lily,” she turned her full attention to him. He started to fidget with his hands, looking away. “I, uh,” that's when the door to the sitting room flung open.

“Oh, you kids are already awake. I’ll get on breakfast. What would you like?” Mrs. Potter said. She was still wearing a nightgown, but somehow seemed incredibly put together.

Remus was too stunned to speak at first, so Lily stepped in. “Anything is fine. Would you like some help?”

She smiled and nodded softly, “Thank you Lily that is very kind. Remus?” She turned her full attention to him before continuing, “Any Requests?”

“No Ma’am, but I can help too.”

She clicked her tongue twice, “Oh, Remus you should know by now to call me Effie, dear. None of this Ma’am or Mrs. Potter business. Well, come on dears let's start cooking.”

Before following Mrs. Potter, Effie, his mind corrected, Lily turned back to him, “Did you want to say something earlier.”

“Nah, let's go help.”

***

That is how Remus went about his day. At every moment trying to tell Lily the truth, he would hesitate slightly, and someone would interrupt them. After Effie, it was James, then Peter, then James again who interrupted to see if Lily wanted to go for a walk with him. Remus was ready to pull out his hair. Both in annoyance, but also the increase of his heart rate every time he thought about telling Lily was concerning. So having it happen multiple times in such a short period of time had him pretty worried.

It wasn’t until right before dinner when Remus got his chance. Lily had retired to her room to read. Peter went home for dinner, and James and Sirius were playing exploding snaps. So, he took it upon himself to seek Lily out.

As he snuck up the stairs he thought one last time about what he was going to say and how he was going to say it. He had planned it out in full and went over it, breathing fast, heart racing. When he got to her door he stood for a second, just staring. Finally, he raised a hand to knock. He paused just before his knuckle hit the door realizing just how much his hand was shaking. He took a deep breath. Then another. He roughly rubbed his hands against his face and before he would think twice rapped his hand against the door.

“Come in,” Remus whipped the door open before she even finished saying it in that sing-song-y voice of hers. “Woah, what's the rush? Dinner ready?” She hadn’t even looked up from her book yet. Still not taking her eyes off the page she reached her hand and desperately searched the bedside table for her bookmark. Lily always gets mad at him when he doggy ears his books. He wonders after he tells her, if she’ll ever yell at him for that again. He shakes his head of the thought, strides into the room, and hands her the bookmark.

His sudden movement caused her to look up and she smiles with a shocked look on her face, “I thought you were James. He’s usually the one to barge in the room.” He just stared, forcing her to continue, “so, what's up?”

“I’ve got something to tell you,” he blurted out.

She smiled, patting the bed next to her with a freckled hand, signaling for him to sit next to her. “You know I could actually tell. All day you’ve been trying to tell me something.” She raised a single eyebrow before continuing, “does this have anything to do with Sirius or your disappearing act?”

As he sat he shook his head furiously, “No, well kind of, but no. It’s just,” he took a breath. This is it, he thought. This is the moment where everything is going to change. He just didn’t know how. “I’m a werewolf.” He did it, he pushed the words past his lips for the second time in his life. He’s too scared to look over at Lily. He just sits at the edge of her bed trying, but failing at controlling his breathing. He feels tears sting the corners of his eyes and brings his shaking hands up to rub them away.

“I’m sorry,” he said in a small voice. “I’m sorry for lying and for not telling you.” He’s not really sorry for the last part, but he thinks she may appreciate it so he said it anyway.

He hears Lily take a deep breath and say his name, but he’s having a hard time focusing. She sounded sad, but not angry. Why isn’t she angry?

Two gentle hands drag him away from his thoughts. Lily had brought her hands up to cup his face and turned his head till it was facing her. “Oh, Remus,” she said while rubbing her thumbs under his eyes. “Look at me, love.” He decided it was the least he could do for her. He met her eyes and they were watery, but her face wasn’t sad. She almost looked happy? Relieved? He wasn’t sure. “I know,” she said.

“You- what!” He shot up off the bed, pushing her hands away when she tried to grab for him. He stared at her looking for any sign she was lying, but not able to find any.

“Sit back down,” she commanded in a rather stern voice. “I have known about this and it's okay.”

Why don’t you hate me? He thought, but out loud, “For how long?” She motioned for him to sit again and he hesitantly sat on the edge of the bed.

“For a while,” she said, looking pained. “But that doesn’t-”

“How long is a while,” he interrupted. He couldn’t, wouldn’t, believe that she knew. Why didn’t she say anything? He never noticed her acting differently.

She smashed her lips into a straight line before finally responding, “I started to suspect by the end of third year. I wasn’t sure until almost midway through fourth.”

“Third year. You’ve known since third year?” He was finding it hard to breathe. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?” He gasped for a breath, “Why are you still my friend?”

“Well that's a stupid question. The last question, I mean.” She said it with a smile on her face, but tears in her eyes. “Why on earth would I stop being your friend because of this. It’s just one night a month you aren’t yourself.”

“No, no-” he tried to argue.

“And as for why I never said anything. I didn’t want you to have to worry about me knowing. So, I wanted to let you tell me yourself.”

If she knew that meant… “Does anyone else know?” He jumped up from the bed again and started to pace around the room.

“Not that I know.” When he shot her worried eyes she continued, “None of the girls know, but I assume the boys know.”

“Yeah, they figured it out,” he said absentmindedly. His thoughts were on more pressing matters. Such as how he never noticed a change in Lily once she knew and who else might know.

“You didn’t tell them?” He was too busy worrying to notice a change in her face, but he did notice it in her voice. She was surprised.

“Merlin, no. They figured it out pretty early on. Hard to hide it all living together.” How could she think he would tell them?

“But they’re your friends. Why didn’t you tell them?” She sounded like she didn’t quite believe him.

“Are you kidding them being my friends is precisely why I could never tell them.” He realized his mistake a second too late.

“So why are you telling me?” She didn’t sound hurt, thank Merlin. But now he was backed into a corner. The truth or to hurt her. Neither was good, but he was done causing her pain.

He wanted to try and keep it vague. “To see if I can have them,” he said simply.

He’d known she’d never let that slide, but he had hoped. “Have what?”

“Friends.” The word came out quite and broke a bit at the end. He hated being truthful.

Lily laughed before realizing he was serious. “Of course you can have friends I don’t understand.” She sounded worried again and he just wished they could go back before everything happened.

Before Sirius, before Lily found out, before his mother died, before he was even bitten. But he’s here now. In this moment. Where he was bitten and he was awful to his friends and his friend was awful to him. And all he had was the truth. “I’m a monster. A monster,” he emphasized meeting her eyes. “I don’t deserve you guys. I’ll just hurt you.”He saw it happen. The second he said the word, the tears filled her eyes and before he even finished speaking they were spilling over her cheeks.

But then there was a realization and an anger that spread across her face. “Oh my god… did Sirius tell you that? Is that what this whole fight has been about?”

“No,” he said sternly. “I don’t think he would ever say that, but what he did… It made me think about my life.” He knew she knew what he meant by it and wished once again she didn’t understand him so well.

She stood then. “Remus, look at me.” She waited till he did, “You deserve friends. You deserve happiness. You deserve the world. I don’t care what anyone else says, you will always have me.” Sometime during her speech he looked away. She grabbed his face and forced him to look at her. “You deserve the world, Remus Lupin. I don’t care what you think, and I don’t care if you are a werewolf.”

And that was that. Lily went back over to her bed and opened her book like Remus didn’t just share his deepest darkest secret to her. Like Remus hadn’t just shown her the ugliest parts of himself.

He took a deep breath. If Lily said he deserved his friends, maybe he did. He had told himself that he would believe her judgement, he just never thought it would end this way. He would force himself to believe it. He had to. Lily was his jury and she found him innocent, so now it was time to mend some friendships.

Starting with Sirius Black.