Chapter 9
Remus!
Oh I’m so glad to hear from you! Of course I was worried for godric's sake. My summer has been fine other than the fact I was losing my hair worrying about you. How are you? (if you say fine or okay i will curse you) What do you mean your summer has been weird? I really hope you are okay. I've been so worried, oh god please tell me nothing awful happened (and if something awful did happen and you lie to me I will be mad too please let me help you if you need it. God knows you have helped me)
I think I might come to James’ to visit. I've been invited enough times to know I will be welcomed. If you really don’t want me to, I won't, but I would really like to see you.
With love,
Lily x
Remus crumpled up the letter. He felt awful for worrying her. It wasn’t his intention, well it wasn’t his main intention. He wrote a short note back telling her he would love to see her, and he sent it right away. He no longer wanted to keep her at arms length. She deserved better. He did too. It was something he started to think about after his conversation with Effie and his conversation with James. They both knew what he was. They still tolerated him, even more than that they seemed to love him. Thinking back, the only person who didn’t still like him after he turned was his own Father. Sure Snape hated him and hated who he was, but Snape hated him before he knew.
For the first time in his life, Remus began to question his Father and his intentions. He had always thought his Father was right. He was a monster, he could only hurt people, and he was the reason their lives were so tough. The reason his Mum was dead. He wasn’t too sure anymore. His Father had always said friends were a bad idea, and in the back of his mind he always believed him. He always waited for the shoe to drop. For his friends to turn their backs on him. After what happened with Sirius, he thought that was when the shoe dropped. When they finally decided he wasn’t worth the trouble. But instead, they united behind him. They never, not once, took Sirius’ side. They thought he was wrong and they thought Remus deserved better.
He wasn’t 100% convinced yet. He had one thing he wanted to see to make up his mind about his Father and his life. He was going to tell Lily what he was. He didn’t want to sound dramatic, but whatever her reaction is will dictate the rest of his life. She is good people. Her opinion on him, after she knows the full truth, will confirm to Remus the truth.
He isn’t sure which answer he wants. On one hand Lily thinking he was awful for what he is would mean him losing all of his friends and having to spend the last two years of school (and probably his whole life) alone. But if she accepts him and doesn’t see a problem with it, then Remus’ whole entire life has been some sort of sick lie. Everything his Father has ever said, every action he ever did to Remus, wasn’t truly for the best. He did it because he hated Remus and what he was. He did it because he was a bad person and Remus wasn’t enough for him. His whole world would be flipped upside down.
He shook his head and decided he should go downstairs for breakfast. As he walked into the kitchen he realized he had forgotten about Sirius. He still didn’t know what to do about the entire incident. For now, he decided to be cordial for the Potters sake, but he will not go back to how it was. Not yet.
“Good morning, Remus dear.” Effie said standing on the far side of the kitchen island. “I’ve made some eggs and we also have cereal if that doesn’t tickle your fancy.”
“Eggs are fine,” Remus said smiling, begrudgingly taking the seat next to Sirius. James was on the end and it would look odd if Remus sat by himself at the end. When he sat down Sirius's head snapped over to look at him. He looked into Sirius’ confused eyes and shook his head.
It was a quiet breakfast. Effie filled in the silence here and there, but Remus had no doubt in his mind that she knew something was up.
***
Peter came over in the afternoon and the four boys were outside all day. James, Sirius, and Peter went back and forth between flying and swimming in the Potters pool. Remus stayed off to the side reading and sometimes offering a quick remark. He stayed close enough as to not cause any suspension, but far enough away that it would be awkward to start a real conversation. They looked happy. Remus could tell that James and Peter didn’t fully forgive Sirius, but he could also tell they were at least halfway there. He didn’t blame them.
At one point in the afternoon an owl came, not for Remus but for James. James opened it pretty confused, muttering something about the only people who send him post being here. But soon his face lit up into a wide grin. “It's from Lily!” He yelled, “Merlin, she's coming here to visit.” James quickly started to walk over to Remus and pulled him into a tight hug. “Thank you, Moons. She says she's coming for you, but Merlin she's gonna be here!” He ran inside to tell his Mum and Sirius and Peter were snickering by the pool. Remus left some sort of giddiness he hadn’t felt for a while. And for the first time since the incident, Remus didn’t flinch at the nickname.
A little while later, while the three of them were flying Remus yelled up to them telling them he was going inside to use the loo. In reality he needed a breather. He feels so stupid for not being able to keep it together for longer than a few hours, but being here is tough. He is walking the line between being cautious with each of the marauders, not wanting to get too close, and wanting to be friends with them as before. Honestly, it is tiring. Inside the house, Remus makes a beeline to the loo. He splashes water on his face and takes 5 deep breaths before looking at himself in the mirror. He has already made up his mind about almost everything, but it's still hard. He is nervous about what Lily is going to say. He won’t be ready either way. He thinks back to what James was like the night before, kind and forgiving. There is a knock at the bathroom door. “One sec,” he calls before wiping his face and opening the door. It's Sirius. Remus goes to push past him, but Sirius grabs his wrist.
“I’m sorry,” he says in a small voice. “I know that's not what you want to hear and that you have heard it from me before, but it's true. I am so sorry. For everything I did. I have no excuse, really, none. I shouldn’t have done it. But Moony-”
“Don't call me that, you have no right.” He snaps
“But Remus,” he corrects. “You have to know it wasn’t because of what you are.”
“Then what was it because? Huh, Sirius? What was it because, then? Because I do want to know your reasoning behind it. I want to know why you would do that to me.” Remus was seething, he was seeing red. All the anger he had suppressed all summer came to the surface. All the arguments he had in his head were boiling to the top. But even with all of that his next words came out quiet, “Why would you do that to me, Sirius?”
Sirius looked ready to cry. In all his years knowing him, Remus had only seen Sirius cry three times, and he wasn’t sure he could handle seeing it now. Not without feeling sorry for him, and that is the last thing Remus wants to do. “I don’t have a real answer for you. It was impulsive and stupid and I would do anything to take it back. I will do anything to make it better. Please tell me what I can do. Tell me how I can fix this?”
Remus took a deep breath, his anger dissipating. “I don’t know Sirius. Just give me some time, please.”
“Okay,” Sirius mumbled. He looked Remus in his eye before asking, “Do I have a chance at all?” Remus knew what he was asking. Remus knew Sirius just wanted to know if there was any possibility of them getting through this.
“I think so. I-” God Remus didn’t want to say it, but he felt as if he owed it to Sirius for some reason. He felt he owed him the truth. After all that's happened, he will always feel he owes Sirius. “I want to forgive you. I’m just so mad. You hurt me Sirius. You made me doubt everything I know and I don't know how long it will take me to forgive that.” Sirius nodded and let go of Remus’ wrist. Without even a final glance Remus walked past him.