Waiting Room

Like everyday for almost four weeks now, Remus makes his way to their spot by the lake. Sure enough Rhys, Gwen, and Aled are already there passing a spliff around. “Hiya, Remus!” Gwen shouts to him as he makes his way over. He gives her a friendly wave and nods to the others. When he sits down next to them, they immediately pass him the spliff. He takes a nice long drag and passes it back. Already, feeling himself relax he lies back on the rocks. “Remus, now that you're here, I can get your opinion. These boys are so annoying.” Remus looks over nodding his head to continue, when reaching for the spliff. “You know my friend Beca, yeah? Well, she comes back on the first of September. Oh wait, when do you leave? I really do hope you get to meet her. Well anyways, she comes home on the first and I want to get her a nice gift. She is always bringing me back stuff from her trips and I feel bad. I never go anywhere cool, so I can never get her a gift! So whatcha think?” She looks at him expecting.

“How about some weed?” Remus says it as a joke, but her face lights up.

“Oh my lord, Remus, you are brilliant! That's perfect!” She looks over to Rhys, “Where do you get it?” She is smiling so big. He can’t believe he gave her a good idea.

“No, no way I’m not telling you,” Rhys responds. “You know I promised them.”

“Okay fine then. Could you get me some I can gift to her then?” She looks at him pleading.

“Common Rhys, I’m sure you could,” Aled says and Remus almost laughs out loud. Of course Aled jumps in right here. Only to defend his girl! It's a good laugh really.

Rhys pretends to mull it over, but Remus knows he is going to say yes. “Well yeah, I don’t really see why not.”

Gwen burst out in a huge grin. “Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! She’ll love it, I know she will!”

Remus gets passed the spliff again, taking another long drag he starts to wonder what they would think if they knew about him. They think he goes to a boarding school up North paid for by an Aunt's will. They think he is normal, with a normal group of friends, and a normal family. Well the family part he’s not sure. They have never asked, but he sees the way Gwen looks at him sadly everyday he shows up with a new bruise. Or how Rhys offers him a place to crash almost every night if Remus wants. He always declines, knowing it will only be worse if he doesn’t show his face. He wonders what they would think of him if they knew he was magic. Would they even believe him if he said so? What if he said he was a werewolf? That's when it hit him. He’s never really said it before. Never told anyone what he was. The boys just kinda figured it out one day and confronted him.

He looks over to the three of them who are laughing, he probably missed some sort of joke. “Hey guys,” he waits till all of them are looking at him. “I’m a werewolf.” He bursts out laughing, he is not really sure why. Aled starts to laugh, too. But, Gwen looks kinda concerned.

“Remus, darling, how high are you?” She stands up and walks over to him. “Give me the spliff.” He can't stop laughing; he just hands it over and holds onto his stomach. It’s perfect, you see, they don’t even know they are real so they will never really know and Remus gets to let the weight off his shoulders. “Remus please stop laughing, you are kinda scaring me.”

“Sorry, sorry, it's just that I’m a werewolf.” Both Aled and Rhys are laughing now and Gwen looks at him in the eyes for a long moment before she cracks a smile too.

“Yeah, okay. I get it Remus Lupin. Mr. Wolf Wolf.” She laughs too and everything goes back to normal for a little while.

Aled tires and fails to flirt all day, like always. Gwen never even realizes it. Rhys and himself just sit there watching and enjoying the show, sending each other knowing looks.

At some point around five, a good 3ish hours earlier than usual, Gwen stands up to leave. “My Mum wanted me home early tonight. Something about dinner with the whole family and talking about school next term. Please kill me.”

“I’ll walk you back.” Aled says it and stands so fast he almost knocks himself over.

“It's okay, really. I don't need door to door service.” Aled just shakes his head and heads out to leave in front of her.

“Well, I’m walking towards your house, you can come with me or awkwardly walk behind me.” She just laughs and walks in stride with him into the woods. Remus laughs (out louds this time) and so does Rhys.

“God, which do you think happens first? He stops trying or she figures it out.”

“You have to be kidding, he is like in love with her in love. He is not stopping anytime soon. You know he stops by her house every morning and walks her here too. It’s crazy.” Remus takes a minute to consider this. It honestly just reminds him more of James.

“I think that's kinda sweet though. He really does care, doesn't he.” They are closer now, face to face.

“Yeah, he really does, I think.” They are staring into each other's eyes now and Remus feels kinda wonky. He doesn’t have a good way to describe it. It is kinda like the feeling he gets when he’s been alone with Sirius for a really long time. God, he does not want to think about Sirius right now.

“Do you have a cigarette I can bum.” And all of the sudden the feeling is gone and Rhys and backing away quickly, looking almost flustered.

“Ah, yeah, uh, one second I’ve got one here somewhere.” He is struggling with the pockets of his pants before he pulls out his pack and a zippo and lights two.

They sit there in silence chain smoking till it starts to get dark. Remus wonders what really happened right there. His mind wanders to him and Sirius. How it felt to be alone with him. How he would feel like a single touch would make his heart explode and his skin tingle. With a shake of his head he banishes any thoughts of Sirius.

After a while Remus turns and asks, “what are you thinking about?” Honestly, so he doesn’t have to think for himself.

“You.” Remus is left stunned.

“What? What about me?” Rhys stares into his eyes for a long time. He looks down for a second towards Remus’ lips and Remus can’t help but do the same looking at his slightly pink thick lips. Before looking back up. Remus feels all weird again and he isn’t sure what to do.

Rhys starts to mumble, almost whispering, “thinking about what you would do if I just…” and Rhys starts to lean in, and with sudden clarity Remus releases what is about to happen. He isn’t sure why, but he can’t back away. He actually starts to lean in too.

Then their lips meet and it feels good. It really does feel good. Remus leans in farther and Rhys grabs the base of his neck. It feels really good and all Remus can think is that he’s kissing someone and it's a boy. Remus, a boy, is kissing another boy and he likes it. Well shit. Remus breaks away slowly. Looking into Rhys eyes. They both are smiling and Remus says, “I should probably head home, but I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

Rhys just nods, backing away a little bit, “tomorrow.” With that Remus gets up to go.

***

On the long walk back to his house, Remus starts to freak out. He just kissed a boy and liked it. What does that even mean? Is he gay? He has kissed some girls and liked that too. So how can he be gay?

Oh shit.

Before they had kissed he had compared the feeling he was having to the feelings he had when he was with Sirius. Does that mean he feels the same about him? This is all too confusing. He’s never wanted to kiss Sirius before, has he? But, when he kissed those girls he had liked it. Does he even know what liking it feels like? He is just getting more and more confused. Shaking his head he puts it on the back burner as he walks up to the house. One thing at a time to worry about and right now it is going to be his Father.

When he walks in the door it is very obvious it is going to be an argumentative night and a bad one at that. Lyall is standing in the kitchen glass in hand staring at the front door. “Where do you think you’ve been all day?”

“In town.” It's a simple answer and truthful, but Lyalls eyes narrow angrily.

“You say you have been in town all summer, but you haven’t come back here with a single drop of change, so are you lying to me or hiding money from me?” Lyall starts to make his way over to where Remus is standing in the doorway.

“Neither, I go into town, but I don't have a job.”

“Don’t lie to me, Remus! You just expect me to believe that. Then what are you doing all day?” Lyall is now standing directly in front of Remus.

“There are some kids in town I hang around with.” That was definitely the wrong thing to say. Lyall looks murderous.

“Kids in town? Friends? Remus, are you crazy? How fucking dare you. Do you even care how hard I work to keep you under wraps? Do you even care?”

“Work hard? That's laughable, all you do everyday is sit here using the last of our money to get drunk and then yell at me when I get home. If Mums watching she would be disappointed in you.” She would be disappointed in me too, he thinks but he doesn’t dare to voice aloud.

“The only reason she would be watching instead of here with us is you. All the stress you caused that's what killed her, Remus, and you know it.” It felt like he had been stabbed in the heart. He could barely breathe and couldn’t think well enough to know what he was going to say next was a bad idea.

“You blame me for her death? It’s probably because it was your fault. You say she died of stress because of what I am. Well you are why I am what I am. It is your fault she’s dead then. I wish it was you and she would too. She would hate you for what you have been like. She does hate-” He was cut off by a hard closed fist punch to his cheek. It knocked him all the way on the ground where his Father kicked him in the guts not once not twice but three times for good measure and then peacefully walked to his room.

Remus lay on the floor wondering what his life has come to. Where it's normal for him to be in pain and bleeding from his own Father. He won’t even think twice in the morning when he wakes up sore. He doesn’t want this to be his life, but he doesn’t know what he can do about it. At least not until he is 17. He just feels tired in his life.

With a great amount of effort and pain he makes it up to his room, where there is an owl waiting for him.

Dear Remus Lupin,

I hope you are feeling okay. This is me just checking in again. I miss you and love you.

Would love to hear back if you can!

Best wishes,
James Potter

Remus knows this is his only way. This is the sign he needed. The only way he can turn around his life. He feels awful because on one hand his life will be worth living, but on the other he will just be making his friends' lives worse. It is true what his Father always said. But he wants to stop listening to Lyall. It is his life now.

With a shaking hand he gets out parchment and ink and writes to James.

Hey James

Sorry it took me so long to get back. It has been a weird summer. I hope you all weren’t worrying too much.

Well I’m not too sure what else to say, but yeah I’m feeling fine.

Remus