Chapter 1
For the first time Remus boards the Hogwarts express alone to go home for the summer. He has been stealthily avoiding the rest of the marauders since the term ended. It doesn’t matter that James seems to be even madder than Remus is. It doesn’t matter that he hasn’t seen Pete say a word to Sirius since it happened. Remus cannot stand to look at them. He feels like a monster. He is a monster. How can his friends even stand to look at him? Share a room with him? He could’ve killed Severus, and the wolf in him would’ve been glad. It makes him sick to even think of it, and it's all Sirius’ fault. Well, that's unfair. If it weren’t for the fact that he was a monster, an abomination, a deadly creature then it never would've happened in the first place.
Remus files through the train avoiding looking up. He doesn’t want anyone to see him. He doesn’t want to be here in this crowded aisle. He’s not sure where he wants to be. He’s not sure if he wants to be anywhere at all. His skin is itchy and he feels like he is going to explode. Looking around he sees an open compartment. He walks past it to the bathroom. Checking every stall before he locks the bathroom and sits against the wall. There's not many places to hide on the express and he is sure someone will come looking for him. Lily probably, maybe James, or maybe even Sirius if he still has his death wish.
Sirius had come looking for him everyday for a week after it happened. Begging for forgiveness and saying he was sorry. It didn’t matter. For the first day Remus had cried and begged to know why Sirius would do such a thing after everything. For the next few days Remus had screamed. Yelling that Sirius knew his biggest fear was being like Greyback. To close the week, after Remus has said his fill and Sirius continuing to beg Remus hadn’t said a word. He wouldn’t even look in Sirius’ direction. Remus knew he could never forgive Sirius, or honestly himself. For being like he is, for trusting Sirius, for not listening to his Father.
After being told for so many years he was wrong, evil, and disgusting Remus had believed it. But then he went to school. He made friends and tried to hide what he was terrified it would all be ripped away once they found out. But then they did find out and it was okay. They said they didn’t care. They said they were still his friends. They said it changed nothing.
They said they loved him.
It was all a lie and this proved it. Sirius came to his senses first. But James and Pete would follow. Remus should never have let his hopes and his fun dictate this much of his life. His Father was right. Now Remus had to keep school as his only priority, no more friends, no more fun. He was a werewolf for god sake he shouldn’t even be at this school.
Leaning against the door he pulled out his last pack of muggle cigarettes and looked. Only three left, he thought. Not even enough to last him the train ride home. Shaking his head he lit one, breathing the fumes in and letting himself relax against the door. In about an hour he will make his move to try and find an empty compartment, and by the end of the day he will be home. Just him and his father for the whole summer. He already knows how it will go. He will see his father standing on the platform, Lyall will see him. They will leave without the usual scolding about how long it took him to get off the train. They will floo home, Lyall being too drunk to apparate. It has been like that since third year, since his mother passed. It will be a lot of quiet days and loud argumentative nights. That or nights where he will have to clean up Lyalls messes. His father will clean himself up enough one night a month. Enough to set the charms needed to keep Remus in place for the moon. Remus won't write any letter, unlike any other year. He doesn’t expect to get any either. Well maybe some from Lily he supposes, but he cannot respond. He knows this now. His father will be angry at him all the time. Glaring this way and that. Yelling about something or another. Since he went to school he thought it was unfair, now he understands again.
With a wave of worry he thinks about Sirius. Think about if he thought he should be punished too when he used to go home for break. If he thought he deserved it. He shakes his head angrily, Sirius doesn't need nor deserve his worry anymore. He is with the Potters and no longer a friend of his.
Someone bangs on the bathroom door. Remus stands up, looks in the mirror, takes a deep breath, and unlocks the door. He side steps the ravenclaw first year and goes to look for an open compartment. It's a little sooner than he had wanted to leave the bathroom, but beggars can't be choosers and it's far enough along in the ride that everyone already has their seats. He stays clear of where the marauders' usual seats are.
Finding a compartment was easier than expected. Falling asleep after so many nights laying awake was even easier.
***
Remus woke up the door sliding open and Lily stepping in.
“Why aren’t you sitting with the others, Remus?” In this lighting Lily’s green eyes sparkled as she looks at him sadly and with pity. Remus hates pity. And Remus had made up his mind days ago. No more friends and that includes Lily.
“Didn’t want to.” Remus replied simply as Lily sat down across from him.
“Are you ever going to tell me what happened? Remus, this isn’t like you.” Lily lets out an aggravated sigh when he doesn't look up and continues, “I know Black did something. But none of the boys will tell me what it is. James is furious at him for your information. Never seen James this mad at anything, let alone Sirius.” Lily looks at him, eyes expecting. Remus looks away. It's going to be harder than he thought keeping Lily away. Suddenly, he wants to cry. He wants to tell Lily and scream and cry. But he wont, he can’t. So instead he says, “Lily, I’m really tired, so could you please.” He makes eyes at the door. Lily looks like she's going to cry. “Remus you can’t keep doing this you can’t keep pushing us away. I won't stand for it. I know something bad happened and if you don’t want to tell me that's okay. It really is. You don't have to. But you can't just stop talking to all of us. Please we miss you.” Remus just looks away. It’s hard. But it's what has to be done.
Lily takes a deep shuddering breath, pulls a book from out of her robes and sits there reading across from him. Not speaking and never looking up. Remus feels his eyes water. He knows it's going to be hard to keep Lily away. He’s not sure he wants to, but what he knows for sure is he has to. It's for the best. That doesn't stop his heart from hurting though. Thinking about all their time together. Before he was good friends with the Marauders, Lily had been there. The silent teasing force on his side. Always there to offer a smile and listening ears. She was different than people thought. Not the swot prefect or the poor muggleborn. She was a strong force. She played pranks like the Marauders, different from the Marauders though she never got caught. She had always been there for Remus, like Remus had been for her. She was the first to know his Mother died. He was the first to know when Petunia stop talking to her. The others use to tease him. They used to ask if they were dating. Sirius and Pete thought it was funny. James was heart broken. No matter how many times he would tell them she's just a friend it took them years to believe him. So, yeah, distancing himself from her was going to be hard. Really, really, hard.
Lily never did leave the compartment. She sat there and read her book until they pulled into the station. Once they were there she looked up at him. Waited till he looked at her then said, “I’ll be here when you're ready to talk. Don’t worry about the boys. Have a good summer, Remus.” She smiled sadly and walked out of the compartment before Remus could think of something to say. He felt horrible. He knew he would only ever disappoint her. If only she knew what he was.