Chapter 2
Just as he thought when he gets off the train there is Lyall’s tall wide frame waiting for him towards the back of the crowded platform. They make eye contact and Lyall nods and walks towards the exit. Remus goes to follow him when he spots them. The marauders, all three of them walking towards the Potters and Pete's Mum. They don't look all that mad at Sirius anymore. All six of them were smiling and hugging in turn. He looks away quickly but not fast enough. James had spotted him and started to run over. Remus turns to walk away. He cannot talk to James right now, he just cannot.
“Remus! Remus, stop please,” James and practically yelling now. James, of course, catches up to Remus and grabs his wrist. Quickly pulling away Remus turns to look at James. “I’m sorry,” James said, ashamed. “I shouldn’t have grabbed you, but Remus please. I haven’t forgiven him. What he did was… was just awful. He is truly sorry, I believe him. But if you can’t forgive him I won't either. You don’t have to talk to him or even speak to him. But please please Moony-” Remus flinched at the nickname. James seems to notice his eyes going wide with sadness as he continues, “Please Remus we miss you. Don't push us away.”
“James,” Remus says looking down, picking at the long sleeves of his sweater. “I have to go my Dads waiting.”
James sighs, obviously saddened that his speech didn’t work. “Okay, okay, but please send a letter, yeah?” Remus shakes his head. He knew this was going to be hard and it is but it is for the best he reminds himself.
“I’m sorry James, but I’m done. I can’t. It was bound to happen. What Sirius did, it was bound to happen. He was just the first to come to his senses. I don’t blame him, really. I shouldn’t have ever expected anything different.” James looks absolutely broken. He is staring at Remus, deer in the headlights mouth wide open.
“Moony, Moony… no, no that not it that not right no. What he did was wrong on so many levels you have no-”
“Remus!” Lyall’s booming voice cut off James and Remus couldn’t hide his flinch. James' eyes went wide. He most definitely didn’t miss Remus’ flinch. Shit, Remus thought as James watched Lyall throw his hand down hard on Remus’ shoulder. Smelling distinctly of booze. “You always keep me waiting don’t you. Like you want me to suffer in this place for longer. Come on, let go.” He grabbed Remus’ arm sharply and pulled Remus after him. James was left behind to watch. Eyes wide, mouth open, thoughts going at the speed of light.
“You had me standing there looking like a fool, Remus. Did you know that? Did you even care?” Lyall has yet to let go of his arm and he is starting to think it will leave a bruise. “We talk about this every year. It’s those little friends of yours, you know. Always causing you to make bad decisions. The owls I get about your behavior with those friends. It's embarrassing Remus. You are there to go to school. Not muck about. You shouldn’t even have friends you know. If only they knew about you. I don't know what Dumbledore was thinking letting you go to that school.” He only stopped when they made it to the floo. But right before he could grab the powder Remus spoke up, “I’m no longer friends with them. That's why I kept you waiting. I was telling him I was done. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to take that long.” It was the truth. Not that Lyall would believe him.
Lyall only just scoffed before taking the floo powder and stepping into the fireplace.
***
Home was a lonely place. After his Mum passed he started to think of Hogwarts as home. Not anymore. This was his house and as cliche as it is to say it doesn’t feel like home to him. Once they got back his Dad just grabbed a muggle beer and sat in his big recycling chair. Remus just took his trunk and headed to his room.
When he got in there it was clear Lyall had not stepped one foot in his room since he had left. There was a thin sheet of dust covering everything and Remus was perfectly content with that. From what the house looked like downstairs he is glad his room was left to the dust mites. At least there were no open bottles or takeaway containers on the ground. Remus shoved his trunk in the corner of the room and looked around. He had almost forgotten what his room looked like. A small twin bed tucked into the corner of his room. A small wooden desk and matching chair next to it with a window above. Across from the bed was his dresser. A few paces from the foot of his bed was his small closet and that was that. Remus went to lay on his bed, but catching his eye were the two picture frames on his dresser. One of himself and his mother and the other of the marauders together. He grabbed the frame, opening the bottom drawer of his dresser and slammed it in. Not caring if it broke or shattered in any way. He was not losing sight of what needed to happen.
Finally getting on his bed, laying there he wondered what he was going to do all summer. He did have plenty of homework to do, but that would last him two weeks three tops if he does it slowly. He has no one to write to and no one to talk to. He knows he is going to have to avoid Lyall the best he can. Avoid the arguments and the blame. He may hate himself, but not enough to subject himself to his Father longer than needed. The first full moon of the summer is five days away. That should take up at least two to three days of the summer. He has a feeling it is going to be a bad one too. He already feels as though he is coming out of his skin. His bones are creaking and his head hurts. Not for the first time he wishes Pomfrey was with him all summer. If he does miss one thing from school it is her.
He sighs, rolls over and decides to make a mental list of all the things he can do this summer.
1.) School work
2.) Buy more muggle cigarettes
3.) Get money for said cigarettes
4.) Read
He only gets to those four before he truly does realizes he is in for his worst summer yet.
***
Around dinner time, he decides to make his way down stairs. He is starved and the moon being so close is only making him more ravenous. As he enters their sitting room he sees his Father still sitting in his chair passed out with a beer in his hand. Upside down. The contents of said beer on the ground. There are a few more beers sounding him and a few dinner plates never put away. This is something Remus forgot to put on his list and mentally adds it now.
5.) Clean up after dad (and probably make his meals too)
With an irritated sigh Remus gets to work cleaning up the mess. After it's done he goes to raid the fridge for dinner. He successfully finds the ingredients to make eggs and toast. He makes two plates. Leaves one on the side table next to his Father and goes to his room with his own.
Eating silently and alone Remus comes to the sudden realization that these nights, when his Father is passed out on the couch and he is left to take care of himself, will probably be the best nights of the summer.
When he is done eating, he cries into his pillow until he falls into a restless sleep.
***
Remus was right. Lyall did pull himself together for the full moon. When he woke up the morning of the full and walked into the sitting room instead of being greeted with a passed out Father surrounded by bottles, he was greeted with his Father sitting at the table with a mug of coffee and a piece of toast. They were even able to hold a civil conversation. It felt like the old times. It felt like before his mother passed. Underneath the civil banter there was resentment. Probably from both sides more than Remus wanted to admit. But that is how it always was. So, yeah, it felt like the old times. Remus knew not to get attached; however, he knew that this wasn’t going to last. Once the moon set it was back to the old ways.
After breakfast, Remus migrated back to his room to ride out the worst of the pre moon pains. When he got there an owl was sitting on his bed. Big white envelope attached. Remus had been dreading this. He had. So why did it feel like relief when he saw it? Why was he happy that he wasn’t forgotten? He wanted to be forgotten. It was for the best. Either way he eagerly ripped open the letter.
Hiya Remus!
Hope you have had a good start to your break. Mine has been dreadful! Pet won't even look in my direction and mum is trying to get me to learn to cook and iron and whatever will make me a good wife. I keep trying to tell her there are spells for all of that, but she won't listen. Next week should be better though Marls and I are meeting up and hopefully Mary will join us, but you know how she is. Already has some muggle boy wrapped around her finger for the summer!
Anyways, I know you're in your mood or whatever right now. I know you don’t want to talk to any of the boys and frankly I don’t blame you. I saw what happened with you and Potter at the station, sorry about that by the way. But please Remus talk to me and the girls. We won't try to pry (well Marls and I wont can't promise anything about Mary) you can say whatever you want. Just don’t hide away all summer, yeah? We all missed you very much at the end of term. Well, I guess that was the whole purpose of my letter. Just don't push us all away, we do really care about you. It made me so sad to see how sad you were on the train. Sorry, I know boys don’t do those types of feelings but still, we say whatever we want to each other, yeah? Well please write back or I WILL worry!!
With love,
Lily
With a heavy heart and teary eyes Remus dropped the letter next to the picture frame and closed the drawer. He knew this would be hard. He was preparing himself for it. He just doesn’t want Lily to worry. The whole point of him stopping being friends with them is to protect them from harm. Making them worry is harming them. Maybe this is for the best. Lily worrying for about a week or so and then getting angry and hating Remus. Yes, let her hate him. It will end up being for the best.
***
With nightfall came the worst moon of his life. He remembers very little other than the pain of the transformation. The wolf must’ve been feeling Remus’ emotions because the wolf tore himself to shreds.
Remus woke up in the most pain he had ever felt. Blood pooled around him and he was gasping for breath. He wanted Poppy to get here soon. Please, he begged, get here soon. He didn’t understand why Poppy was taking her time. She was always there within 15 minutes of him waking up. So where was she? He needed her. Where was she? It was like that night all over again. That night was the only night she didn’t come right on time and even then he was only waiting 30 minutes tops. He had forgotten he wasn’t at school with the kind nurse. Not until his Father opened the door. He grunted, eyes fluttering hoping his Father knew to what extent his injuries were. To his Fathers credit the second he saw Remus and ran over wand out, fixing him up the best he could.
“Oh Remus, oh Remus!” His Father was basically crying. “I’m so sorry, son. I’m sorry. It’s all my fault it really is.”
Remus didn’t like thinking right now. He didn't want to think about what his Father was saying, what he was admitting to. He wanted to cry. He wanted to curl up into a ball. He wanted his Mum to hold him. He couldn’t do any of these things. So he closed his eyes and willed himself to sleep.