you were off with someone that i don't know
The first night of the year was always a big deal. After the Sorting, which always gave Sirius flashbacks to his own sorting and therefore was not very much enjoyed, he had to listen to Dumble-bore drone on about not going into the Forbidden Forest and the many restricted areas of the castle, all of which the Marauders had already found. When he was finally done, Sirius was able to dig into the feast that appeared at the table, happily greeting people who came up to their table, chorusing a mix of “Hi, boys!” and “Good summer, Sirius?”.
Tonight, though, Sirius noticed that Remus was getting just as many admirers as he was. What’s wrong with you all, he wanted to yell. Were they really just noticing Remus was attractive? Or were they trying to be annoying? Sirius knew it wasn’t fair for him to be angry, but god, it was as if they’d never seen Remus before. Sure, he’d grown taller and broader (Sirius had definitely noticed), but it’s not like he wasn’t beautiful before. He just wanted them to all leave and he had the strangest urge to throw himself on top of Remus and shield him from all the attention. It must’ve been his protective streak.
“Alright, Remus?”, he asked.
Remus looked up from his beans, beginning to speak when he was tackled by a squealing flurry of red and blonde hair.
“Why is it that they’re only ever that happy to see Remus?” grumbled James, giving Mary a quick hug as she settled alongside him.
“Because Remus is actually sweet to us, unlike others who put glue in our shampoo,” teased Lily, swatting at James.
“That was one time!’ exclaimed Sirius, though a quick glare from Marlene (had she gotten even scarier?) confirmed that it was, in fact, many times.
Remus settled back with his arm around Lily, looking so unfazed that Sirius wanted to scream. Why wasn’t Remus running from the attention? He was supposed to be shy, quiet Remus, always hunched over a book. Granted, it was the first day and Sirius would’ve swatted him over the head had he been reading, but still. Lily and Mary were one thing, but why was Remus smiling and waving at Ravenclaws at the next table over? Had he always had so many friends? Although, Sirius thought, scowling to himself, they were more like admirers. He shot a glance at the Hufflepuff fourth-years who were quite obviously, in Sirius’s opinion, trying to steal glances at Remus.
When dinner was finally over, Sirius hurried his friends out of the Great Hall, eager to get away from the swarm of students who wouldn’t leave them alone. Normally, Sirius welcomed the attention, but tonight, he just wanted to be alone with his friends. As they always did the first night of the year, James invited the girls up to their dorm, where they all sprawled on the freshly made beds, nibbling on the macarons (Sirius shuddered at Peter’s horrible pronunciation) that Peter had brought back from Paris. As Mary entertained them all with tales of working at a muggle tea shoppe, Sirius leaned over the bed to watch Remus unpack his new records. Every year, Remus would come back with a few new records from his mom’s collection, which she’d pass down whenever she felt like it. ‘Necessary education’, Remus would call it.
Remus pulled out a plastic wrapped copy of Bowie’s newest album, Station to Station. It was in perfect condition, still in the packaging. Sirius had heard about the album, even heard a few snippets off what Mary called a ‘radio’, but never the full thing.
“Moony, where the hell did you get that?” Sirius knew that Remus had worked all summer, and couldn’t imagine when he had found the time to go into London for records.
Remus looked uncomfortable, glancing at Sirius before averting his eyes.
“A friend of mine took me to this record shop near my town,” Remus started, a small smile on his lips. “It had practically every record you could think of, and then some.”
“Remus Lupin, are you blushing?”
Sirius was startled back to reality. He had almost forgotten that the others were there too, listening to their conversation. It was easy to get lost in conversation with Moony.
“You are, aren’t you?” James pressed on. “Who is this friend that’s got you blushing over Bowie? Some girl from your town?”
Remus shot a panicked glance at Lily, before closing his eyes. Sirius knew as well as him that once James started in on something, he wouldn’t let it go. When Remus opened his eyes again, Sirius could tell he had made some sort of decision. He wasn’t sure what it was, but he had a feeling what Remus said next would be one of the most important things he’d ever said. He turned onto his side, facing Remus, who seemed determined not to make eye contact.
“His name,” began Remus, “is Henry.”
Sirius blinked. His? Did that mean? No, it couldn’t. He felt his heart beat in his chest. It couldn't be true. Because that would mean Moony was-
“I’m gay.”
“I knew it!” declared Marlene, smiling triumphantly at Peter.
“I’m glad you’ve gotten joy out of my sexual crisis, Marlene,” remarked Remus, but the relieved expression on his face made it clear he was happy he had told them.
"We love you no matter what, Remus, you know that. But, I cannot believe that you told Lilith Evans before you told us Marauders. Don’t look so shocked, Lily, it’s written all over your face.”
“He didn’t tell me anything, James. Maybe if you took your head out of your arse once in a while, you’d have figured it out yourself.”
James flipped her off. “Careful, Evans. If you keep being mean to me, I might fall in love with you again.”
Lily grinned. James and her had tried dating in 4th year, until Lily realized she was definitely a lesbian. If anything, though, it made her and James closer, as they no longer had James’s infatuation in the middle of them. Now, they just teased each other mercilessly.
Remus had liked someone in fourth year too, Sirius thought. Had it been a boy? If so, who? He remembered how Remus would get lost in his reading, daydreaming with a faint blush on his cheeks. Who in the castle had turned Moony into a lovesick cub? And why hadn’t they liked Moony back? Sirius felt a ball of anger bubble in his chest. Who the fuck had the nerve to reject Moony? Perfect, sweet Moony. He remembered how Remus had moped afterwards, flinching whenever his friends entered a room and crying with the curtains shut at night. Sirius had been so caught up with his new girlfriend, Casey, that he hadn’t even noticed who Moony was, well, mooning over. Why hadn’t he paid attention?
It didn’t matter, though, Sirius realized. No matter who it had been, even if it had been the fucking Godric Gryffindor, it still wouldn’t have been good enough for Moony. Remus was so good. The thought of Remus being with someone made Sirius ill. No one could be good enough for Moony. None of the idiotic blokes at Hogwarts, at least.
“Sirius?”
Sirius realized that he had spaced out for the second time that day. He needed to stop doing that. And definitely not while staring at Moony’s arms. Though, in all fairness, he had been searching for his scars.
“Where did your scars go?”
Moony looked surprised. “Oh, my dad made me this ointment. It hides the scars, makes me look like less of a freak,” he said, cracking a half-smile.
“I liked them, Moony.”
“Is that all you have to say,” Remus’s tongue wet his lips, and Sirius, for some odd reason, couldn't help but watch the movement. “Or do you have something else”
Oh. Sirius realized he had never responded to Remus’s gay confession, too lost in his own thoughts.
“You know I don’t care, Moony. I told you I was into blokes last year and you didn’t care. We love you all the same.”
Despite his ease, Sirius struggled to get the words out. He was okay with it, of course he was. He loved Moony, and no matter what, he’d stand by him. He wasn’t homophobic. Hell, he liked both girls and boys himself. But why did the thought of Moony kissing a bloke make him want to break something?
“Moony,” Peter started, “so who was this Henry bloke?”
Sirius had almost forgotten about that. Henry. What a positively stupid name. He’d met dogs named Henry, big mutts with slobbery tongues. What kind of bloke had the name Henry?
“He was a farmhand at the place I worked. We spent the whole summer together, but he had to go back to school-”
“Was he your boyfriend or something?” Sirius interrupted. Remus looked annoyed.
“I wouldn’t say that. He was more like-”
“Did you snog him?” Sirius asked impatiently.
Remus’s eyes darkened, but his cheeks unwillingly pinked.
“Sirius, behave,” commanded Lily. “Remus may tell us whatever he’s comfortable with.”
“Well, it seems like Remus had quite a busy summer with Hammy. I was just asking about my mate’s boyfriend-”
“He wasn’t my boyfriend.” Remus stated calmly. He looked frustratingly calm. How could he just sit there, acting like everything was normal after spending all summer with some random muggle bloke who wasn’t even his boyfriend? A random muggle bloke who he quite obviously had kissed? The breaking-something feeling returned to Sirius’s palms.
“And,” Remus continued, “his name was Henry.”
“Did I not say that?”
“Sirius, you said Hammy and you know it.”
Marlene let out a traitorous giggle and Sirius glared at her.
“What? You did say Hammy. Interesting leap from Henry, by the way.” She shot Sirius a suspicious glance that he didn’t fully understand. Though he never really understood Marlene. She really was an enigma in the most terrifying way.
“Fine. Forget Henry,” he snarked. “Petey, how was your summer?”
Peter looked confused. “But I already told you on the-”
“Tell us again.”
Remus just stared.