fresh to death
Remus Lupin knew he was screwed the minute he walked onto the platform. He wasn’t surprised that his eyes immediately found Sirius, but he was disappointed that he couldn’t stop himself. He was exhausted. The full moon had been just 3 days earlier, and his wounds were still fresh. His dad, in another one of his full-moon-guilt-spirals, had brewed an ointment that hid his scars. Remus had accepted it eagerly. He hated his scars, and though the ones on his arms weren’t as noticeable as those on the rest of his body, he still noticed them. And when it was as unusually hot as it had been that summer, Remus would do whatever he could to wear a t-shirt. He always ran hot; the wolf in him, he supposed.
But regardless of whatever pain he still felt from the full moon, he knew that’s not why he hadn’t slept the night before. It wasn’t the moon, or the scars, or even that one painful scratch on his right thigh that plagued him. No, what really plagued Remus was a pair of big, dark eyes. Eyes that he’d try to forget all summer, eyes that he’d tried to bury in the troughs he’d dug all summer at his uncle’s farm.
Fuck. Once again, Remus Lupin was thinking about Sirius Black. In a sea of excited Hogwarts students, Sirius was a magnet he couldn’t pull away from. As he once again searched for Sirius, he stumbled when he realized Sirius was staring at him too, with a look in his brown eyes that Remus couldn’t place. He’d seen it before, but never directed at him.
With a start, Remus realized Sirius wasn’t the only one staring at him. He rolled his eyes. Remus wasn’t an idiot. Oblivious, maybe, but blind, no. He knew he looked different than he had 3 months ago. He’d finally grown into his own body, built from the hours spent grueling over a shovel for some extra money. He’d let his hair grow out and his face tan, much to the delight of Hope Lupin, who’d been chiding him to spend more time outside for years. Which was ironic, since Hope was the one who introduced Remus to the main reasons he stayed inside - reading and the record player. He supposed that he was more attractive than he was before, though he still barely held a candle to Sirius and James. It was just all so fucking ridiculous; the idea that him, Remus Lupin, would be of any interest at all to the Hogwarts population. He was just Remus - Remus who wore too-big sweaters and scribbled in the margins of books.
Maybe that was the problem though. Lily had always told Remus he needed to branch out. She claimed there were plenty of people who would love to hang out with him (“and maybe more”, she’d grinned cheekily) if he’d just give them the chance. Remus had replied that he had lots of friends, thank you very much, and he saw them quite regularly.
“Seeing them at your own study group isn’t exactly making an effort, Rem,” Lily had said.
And as usual, Remus supposed Lily was quite right. He’d never really put himself out there. Sure, he had lots of friends, but outside tutoring and an occasional chat in the hallway, he’d never really tried to spend time with them. For the first 5 years, he’d mostly stuck with the Marauders, scheming for their next prank and sneaking off to Hogsmeade.
As Remus approached Sirius and James with Peter in tow, he decided that this year, he would finally try. He would try to get over Sirius, no matter how devastatingly handsome he looked after a summer in the sun and how an uneasy smile played on his lips, shocking Remus with his shyness. He would make new friends, or at least reach out to existing ones. Maybe Maddie, who he had really been friends with since 3rd year. And they really were just friends. Maybe he’d even return some of that interest he’d been given on the platform. The female attention was wasted on him - he really was quite gay, though nobody knew that - but he’d seen a few male stares as well. If Sirius could snog everyone in sight, shouldn’t Remus be allowed to branch out too?
“Good summer, Remus?” asked Sirius, and Remus realized he had gotten Sirius’s attention, only to space out when he started talking. God, he really needed to control his stares.
“Sure, you can say that”, he replied. And it was mostly true. It had been a good summer, or at least an interesting one. The beginning had been lonely, as had the end. The work had been tough. But for a few weeks, he’d gotten his mind off of Sirius. He’d met another farmhand named Henry. They’d sneak off behind the barn and kiss for what felt like hours. Henry told Remus about the boy he loved back home, who would never return his affections. Remus would smile and nod, telling Henry he understood just a little too well, but never saying Sirius’s name. He couldn’t taint the moment with reality. They knew they were only replacements for another, but enjoyed each other’s company nonetheless. Henry had taught Remus to play guitar, and Remus had shown Henry his favorite plays, which they would perform in distorted voices until they shook from laughter.
Eventually, he woke from his daydreaming and bid goodbye to his friends, making his way to the prefect’s compartment. With each step, he grew more determined. He was going to do it. He was going to move on. Remus covertly stopped by a Slytherin compartment, peeking his head in so only the face he knew would sit at the end could see him. He shot the boy a look he hoped meant “please come meet me outside” and stepped away from the door.
30 seconds later, Remus found himself in a compartment with Evan Rosier. They had an unlikely friendship. A pureblood Slytherin and a half-blood Gryffindor. But since the two boys had met while smoking in the greenhouse during 4th year, they’d immediately clicked. Both their friend groups knew, but neither group could truly make any argument, since Remus and Evan were two of the kindest, calmest boys in the castle, and it only made sense that they’d be friends. Besides Lily, Evan was the only one who knew Remus was gay, though, unlike Lily, he didn’t know about Remus’s massive crush on Sirius Black. But then again, Evan, like his sister Pandora, was freakishly good at reading people, so he probably knew things about Remus that even Remus didn’t know.
Remus turned his attention to Evan once again. Though Evan was reserved, he and Barty were huge flirts, and he knew that Evan could charm anyone he wanted to.
“Evan, I need you to teach me how to flirt.”
Evan burst out in silent laughter, clutching the seat for support.
“Remus, you don’t need my help there.”