Stupid Unrequited Love
Watching James read the love letter would probably be the most mortifying thing in the world. The only thing worse is Regulus now not knowing how he reacted. Regulus hated himself so much because he would now never know what James thought of his heart and soul on paper.
Regulus knew with every second of their conversation that he was an idiot for ever agreeing to James’ stupid plan. He just kept going on and on about Lily’s beauty and her perfection. Those were two things Regulus would never have.
He wanted to scream and cry and throw things. But that would make him feel even more stupid. So he tried to sleep.
It was no surprise to Regulus that he couldn’t do that. Regulus laid in bed, listening to Evan’s light snores and Barty’s tossing and turning, as he stared at the ceiling. Eventually Regulus pulled open his notebook and started writing.
He only wrote at night because the one time Barty and Evan had seen the notebook, they made fun of his ‘sad boy poetry’ for weeks. They still did occasionally, but not without a hex or two from Regulus.
Regulus argued uselessly at the ‘sad boy poetry’ title, but he didn’t really have a leg to stand on. It wasn’t an incorrect statement. He knew that as he wrote about his awful parents, his estranged brother, and his stupid unrequited love.
That’s all he was writing about now. His stupid unrequited love.
I will never blame you for my tragic love
It is not your fault you are everything I’ve ever wanted
It is not your fault I will never be enough
I have broken my own heart by wanting you
What an idiot he was. Regulus could feel the stars mocking him in the sky as he forced himself to stop thinking about James. To stop thinking about his stupid unrequited love.
By the time morning came, Regulus had slept for less than an hour, which wasn’t unusual. Evan practically had to drag him out of bed and Barty was dealing with most of his grumpiness. He was glad Barty was there because he thought Regulus was funny like this. Regulus could be as grumpy as he wanted and Barty would just laugh. Regulus was grateful for his utterly insane friend.
One thing Regulus was not glad about was Pandora sitting next to him at breakfast. He couldn’t be mean to Pandora. She didn’t really care, but Regulus did. So when Pandora tried to talk to him, he would grumble, but won’t actually be rude. Not like he was to Barty.
When Dorcas got to the table, Barty felt the need to explain Regulus’ mood. “He’s being a little bitch because he stayed up all night thinking about Potter’s dreamy eyes.”
“Shut up, Barty,” Regulus said. “At least I’m not an emotionally stunted whore who can’t keep it in his pants.” Barty practically cackled.
“You aren’t a whore because you can’t get any,” Barty said, smiling far too wide for seven in the morning, “but you’re definitely emotionally stunted.”
Regulus made a furious face, which in hindsight looked childish and stupid, and he threw half of his muffin at Barty. Dorcas had to bite her lip to keep from laughing. “It wasn’t fun writing love letters, was it, Reg?” Regulus threw a glare her way. “Hate to say I told you so, but… oh wait. No I don’t. I told you so, you fucking idiot.”
“I’m not afraid to throw more food, Cas,” Regulus said.
Dorcas laughed. “Because that’s not childish.”
“Can you all just shut up?” he grumbled. “I’m tired and I don’t wanna talk about it.” Regulus laid his head on his arm, doing his best to block out the world.
“Oh, no we definitely have to talk about it now because Lily’s getting the letter right now,” Evan said, excitement in his voice. He was living for the drama, as were all of his friends. Regulus despised them.
The owl started screeching and the hundreds of flapping wings were hard to ignore, so Regulus did look up. He wanted to watch Lily fucking Evans read his letter and fall in love with James. Maybe he was a masochist for wanting to watch all his hopes and dreams slip away, but he ignored the rest of the Great Hall to stare at Lily. Merlin, James was probably doing the same. He was alway watching her.
Regulus watched Lily get a newspaper and a couple letters. She opened them right there, which Regulus would never do. He always waited until he was alone to open letters.
Regulus and his friends stared intensely at Lily, trying to figure out which letter was James’ (Regulus’) and what she thought about it. She had limited reactions to all of them. Some of them made her laugh a little, but not more than that. Once she finished, Lily would either put them in her bag or hand the letter off to her friend.
And then Lily was done with the letters. She just went back to eating and laughing with her friends. Regulus was shocked and he was desperate to see James’ reaction. When he looked over to Potter and his friends, he saw James packing up his stuff.
“What just happened?” Evan asked.
“Nothing,” Barty said, kind of shocked, kind of confused. “Nothing happened.”
“I’m confused,” Evan said. “Didn’t he just confess his love for her? How did she not react?”
Dorcas said, “I mean, he’s done it before. Maybe love confessions have lost their luster for her?”
“Or maybe he didn’t send it?” Pandora tried.
“It’s Potter,” Regulus said. “He wasn’t going to wait. Of course he sent it.” He paused. “She just didn’t care.”
Regulus never really thought much about Lily Evans. He didn’t blame her for James’ feelings for him or lack thereof. He didn’t care about her friendship with Remus. He honestly only thought about her longing. Longing to be her. But that’s not what he felt now.
Right now all Regulus thought was that Lily Evans was probably the biggest idiot in the whole world.
How could she just not care? James loved her more than anything and she didn’t care? Regulus would die to be in her position. He would give practically anything for James’ love, but Lily didn’t care? How could she? Regulus didn’t know what to feel.
And he didn’t have time to ponder it either because before any of the other Slytherins could say something, a giant box landed in front of him.
“Is that…” Dorcas didn’t finish her thought because they all knew what it was. Pandora jumped up and grabbed the letter on top, ripping it open. Pandora did not follow Regulus’ rule of opening letters in private.
“To Regulus Black,” Pandora read aloud. “Thank you for your help! I didn’t know what album you wanted, so I asked Remus about his favorites. I hope you like it!! James.”
Barty ripped the letter from Pandora’s hands. “Why does he use so many goddamn exclamation points?” Pandora rolled her eyes.
“Shut up, Bartemius.”
“Open it, Reg.” Evan cut off Barty before he could say anything else.
“I’m not going to open a record player in the middle of the Great Hall,” Regulus said. “We’ll take it back to the room and after classes we can play the vinyl James sent.”
Barty groans. “After class? Isn’t this important enough to warrant skipping at least one class?”
“Hey, I’m not doing this for me.” Regulus shrugged, starting to get up. “You’re the one who’s failing Transfiguration. Mcgonagall will kill you if you skip another class.”
“Fine,” Barty grumbled. Regulus picked up the record player, but handed it off to Evan, not wanting to carry the box all the way to the dungeons.
By the time they dropped the record player off and grabbed their school bags, the Slytherins were almost late to class. All of them except Dorcas, who was in year six rather than year five, had potions first. Regulus was happy about this, of course, but Pandora and Barty couldn’t care less. Evan, who did care, had the opposite reaction of Regulus. He was worthless at potions.
“I think it’s stupid that potions are required all seven years,” Evan grumbled, as he usually did before potions.
“Cheer up, Evan.” Barty wrapped an arm around his shoulder playfully. “At least it’s not just a lecture today. We’re finally doing something fun.”
“‘Something fun’? Barty, you are almost as shit at brewing potions as Evan. I wouldn’t be surprised if whatever you brew explodes.” Pandora cackled at Barty deep frown.
“That was one time,” Barty defended. “And my eyebrow grew back.” Regulus bit back a smile at the memory. Barty had walked around with one eyebrow for a week and the slow growth process made him look like a complete fool.
“Hello, students.” Slughorn spoke loudly over the class and his loud voice made Regulus cringe. Slughorn may like him, but Regulus never really cared for the man. He was boisterous, annoying, and always tried to get Regulus to go to the ‘Slug Club’. Regulus always respectfully declined.
He continued, “As you know, today you will be brewing a Babbling Beverage. We have been discussing this for a week now, so you should all be able to tell me exactly what this potion does to those who consume it. Although, I’m sure some of you have been using my class as a time to catch up on sleep-” Regulus and Pandora looked at Barty who quickly flipped them off, “-so who will refresh our memory on the function?”
Evelyn McNully, a try hard Hufflepuff, raised her hand quickly. “Babbling Beverage causes whoever drinks it to spew uncontrollable nonsense.”
“It’ll be perfect for Ridiculous Rosier,” Jacob Sharp, a Hufflepuff beater, said, gesturing towards Pandora. She made a face, but didn’t otherwise react. The Slytherin boys never had her level of restraint, especially not Barty, who jumped to his feet and pulled his wand.
“Say that again, I dare you,” he threatened, giving a look that would make most people shit their pants. Jacob just laughed and stood up to reach his height.
“What are you gonna do, Crouch?” Jacob asked.
“D’you really wanna find out?” Behind him, Evan stood. Regulus sat silently. He knew when he was needed and for now his friends could handle Jacob. He instead turned to Pandora as Jacob and Barty exchanged threats without much concern.
“His a dick, Dora,” Regulus said, which made Pandora smile. He usually called her Panda, only using Dora when she desperately needed a friend.
“I know,” she said. “He also sucks at Defense Against the Dark Arts. He lost terribly to me in a duel last week. I suspect that’s why he is being such a dick.” Regulus rolled his eyes.
“So he’s not only a dick, he also blames everyone else for his problems.”
“Yeah, he should have been a Gryffidor,” Pandora teased, making Regulus laugh. She didn’t actually care about houses, but it’s what Barty would have said if he weren’t busy yelling at some idiot.
“Do you want me to hex him?” Regulus asked. “Because I can and I will.”
“Eh, it doesn’t really matter how I feel about it.” Pandora shrugged.
“What? Panda, I am literally hexxing him for you.”
“No, you’ll be hexxing him for Barty in a couple of seconds.” She gestured towards the boys and Regulus turned to watch.
Professor Slughorn seemed to be trying to defuse the situation, which wasn’t working. Jacob had his wand raised and was muttering the incantation for a cutting hex. Barty wasn’t quick enough to cast a shield, the cutting hex hit him on his left arm. Barty cried in pain as it hit, but silence was overwhelming elsewhere.
It was rare a student hexed someone in front of a Professor, especially a cutting hex that could do real damage. Unfortunately, Slughorn was a useless Professor and was just standing in shock, like one of his students.
Regulus let out a sharp breath and stood. His loud seat made Jacob turn his way.
“Ah, you wanna fight me too, Baby Black? How well do you think that’s going to work for you?” Jacob smiled. Regulus did not.
“Levicorpus,” he muttered. Jacob was harshly pulled up by his ankles, so he was dangling well above the rest of the class. Regulus moved his wand carelessly, so Jacob was swinging dangerously. He definitely wasn’t smiling anymore.
“Put me down, but don’t you dare drop me, Black,” he cried.
“Don’t call me ‘Baby Black’ again and I won’t,” Regulus said.
“Fine,” Jacob said. “Just put me down.”
Regulus smiled. “If that’s what you want.” And he flung Jacob’s body on top of the light fixture so he was hanging from his robes now.
“Holy shit,” he screamed. “On the ground! I meant put me down on the ground.”
Regulus shrugged. “Well you should have been more specific.” But he didn’t make a move to bring Jacob down.
“Regulus Black,” Professor Slughorn said, in a scolding tone. “Bring him down now.”
“Of course, Professor.” Regulus did without arguing. Jacob landed safely, but did not look near as confident as he had previously.
“Professor, I think Barty needs to go to the hospital wing, but a professor should probably take him. I don’t know how bad the hex was, it could be dangerous.” Regulus had years of practice being sickly sweet to unpleasant adults.
“Ah, yes,” Professor Slughorn said with a smile. “Marvelous idea, Mr. Black. I shall be back shortly.” Barty followed behind Slughorn, holding his bleeding arm. He smirked at Jacob, knowing exactly what Regulus had in mind.
Once they were gone, Regulus turned back to Jacob and lost all of his false pleasantries. “So, Jacob. Where were we?”
He let out a stuttered breath. “You just flew me across the room, we’re done.”
“No, I don’t think so.” Regulus took a step towards him. “The flying was for calling me ‘Baby Black’, but that’s not all you’ve done today, is it?” He was slowly walking to Jacob. “You hexed Barty and you were a right dick to Pandora. So no.” Regulus was now less than a foot away from him. “We aren’t done.” And he jinxed him.
“Furnunculus,” Regulus said, causing heinous boils to appear on Jacob’s skin. They kept appearing for about a minute when Regulus decided to use the Tempest Jinx, which caused lightning bolts to strike the victim.
Jacob cried out in pain and Regulus smiled. “Don’t ever talk to Pandora again, you worthless scum.” He added a stinging hex and tears started to pour out of Jacob's eyes.
“Excuse me.” Mcgonagall’s voice rang out in the potion classroom. Regulus quickly paused all jinxes and stepped away from Jacob. “What is going on here?”
Professor McGonagall was the head of Gryffindor house, so as a Slytherin, she didn’t technically have any power over Regulus. She was still terrifying when she dragged Jacob and Regulus out of class and into her office.
The fifth years sat awkwardly at McGonagall’s desk. She had sent for Professor Sprout and Professor Slughorn, the boys’ head of house, to decide the punishment. Regulus knew he’d get by with just a couple of detentions. Jacob would get much worse.
Yes, he’d hexed Jacob, but a cutting hex was significantly more dangerous than a stinging hex. A cutting hex could kill someone if used by a powerful wizard, but a stinging hex would only mildly hurt them. Regulus was smart about the spells he used, Jacob was clearly not.
Although, he was near a strong enough wizard to have done any real damage to Barty. Pandora was right when she said Jacob’s defensive skills needed work. This made Regulus roll his eyes. If you're going to hex someone, at least do it well.
“Would you like to explain what I walked in on?” McGonagall asked calmly. Her tone made Regulus shift in his chair. “Or should we sit in silence until your Head of House gets here?”
“He bloody attacked me,” Jacob shouted. “That’s what happened.”
“Mister Sharp, I will ask you to lower your volume if you please,” McGonagell said. “I am listening, there is no need to shout.”
“Sorry, Professor,” Jacob grumbled.
She nodded at him, but turned her attention to Regulus. “Now, Mister Black, could you please explain why you attacked Mister Sharp.” It wasn’t a question, it wasn’t even a request. They both knew that.
“He attacked my friend, Professor,” Regulus said, his voice level. “Sharp used a cutting hex on Barty, so I was defending him.”
“Mister Crouch wasn’t in the classroom at that time. How would your attack do any good for helping your friend?”
“There was still the threat of violence, Professor. I was upset and scared for my friends, I hope you can understand why I acted the way I did. Even if it was wrong.” Regulus shrunk into himself, trying to appear smaller.
Regulus knew this method would tug at the woman’s heart strings. Professors often fell for the scared, but loyal friend act. His parents would have cursed him for appearing weak, but Regulus knew how to work for his audience.
McGonagall hummed, pondering Regulus’ words. “I commend you for your loyalty to your friends,” she said. “However, the way you went about this was wrong.” Regulus nodded, trying to appease her by appearing agreeable.
Professor Sprout and Slughorn walked in together and McGonagall cleared her throat. “Now, I can’t actually give you any punishment, so I will leave you with your professors. Do your best to stay out of trouble, will you?” As she stood to exit, Regulus felt her gaze linger on him, but he refused to meet her eyes.
Professor Sprout took Jacob by the arm and they left fast. She looked furious. As soon as they were gone, the lectures started. Regulus was tempted to roll his eyes, but he knew that wasn’t the best way to get out of this.
Growing up, Regulus had watched as Sirius refused to play the game their parents wanted. He watched as that almost got Sirius killed. It taught Regulus an important lesson. It doesn’t matter what you feel, all that matters is what they think you feel.
Professor Slughorn was in the middle of telling Regulus how irresponsible getting into a duel was when Regulus started to cry. “Someone could get seriously hurt, someone could die-” He stopped when he noticed Regulus’ tears. “Are you alright?”
“I’m sorry,” he said, furiously wiping away the fake tear. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I wasn’t thinking.”
Professor Slughorn looked massively uncomfortable, which is what Regulus was expecting. McGonagall would have handed him a tissue before continuing her lecture and Sprout would likely not have noticed the display of emotions. Slughorn, on the other hand, looked at the crying boy as if he had just threatened his life.
“Uh, it’s okay.” Slughorn looked around at the empty room, hoping for someone- anyone else to pop up and take his spot. He awkwardly patted Regulus’ arm which made him flinch at the unexpected contact. Slughorn didn’t seem to notice, though, he was too busy trying (and failing) to comfort the crying boy. “Don’t cry, it’s alright.”
“I hope Jacob will forgive me,” Regulus said through tears. “I don’t want him to be mad.” Regulus briefly wondered if he was laying it on too thick as he blubbered, but Slughorn seemed to completely believe his performance.
“You should go visit Barty in the hospital wing and take the day off lessons?” Slughorn suggested.
Regulus had to bite the inside of his check to keep from smiling. He gave Slughorn a watery look. “Really? I’m not in trouble?”
“You’ve had a long day, my boy, and you were just trying to help your friend,” Slughorn said and Regulus nodded along. “You’ll have detention this weekend, but just rest today.” Regulus gave a small smile and walked quickly out of McGonagall’s office. Part of him wanted to laugh at the naivety of his professor, but stopped himself in case Slughorn walked out and caught him. He did, however, allow himself a proud smile.
The smile was short lived, though, because Regulus heard two familiar and boisterous laughs around the corner. He quickly went to wipe the fake tears from his eyes and speed off towards the hospital wing, but his brother and James fucking Potter noticed him the second they turned the corner.
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the perfect Black heir,” Sirius mocked. Regulus almost flinched at the tone, but he stopped himself. “Skipping class, are you?”
Regulus turned to lecture or threaten his brother, but as soon as he fully faced the pair, Sirius’ smug smile warped into a look of shock and James’ turned to horror. It was then Regulus remembered his tear stained face and puffy eyes.
“Reggie?” Sirius’ tone lost all venom as he seemed to want to comfort his brother.
Regulus could have eased his brother’s mind, easily. He could have told him the tears were fake or that he was fine. He knew it would be cruel to even imply that something happened because Sirius would likely kick himself for it.
Regulus, unlike his brother, never claimed he wasn’t cruel.
“What?” he snapped. Sirius didn’t flinch at Regulus’ harsh tone, instead he furrowed his eyebrows and Regulus could see the guilt in his eyes.
Good, he thought. Sirius should feel guilty, he left me.
“What happened? Are you alright?” Subconsciously, he reached out to his brother, but Regulus stepped back before Sirius even realized what he did.
“Why do you suddenly care?” Regulus bit out. “You didn’t seem to care what happened to me when you left.”
A low blow, he knew that. Not even one he fully believed. But as he watched his older brother flinch, Regulus thought Sirius might.
“I had to leave, Reggie, you know-”
“Don’t call me that.” Only my brother calls me Reggie.
Regulus didn’t give Sirius time to speak another word. As he left, his shoulder hit James, but he didn’t stop and let that bother him. He didn’t stop to watch the man he loved react to his cruelty.
James would be furious, Regulus knew, because he hurt Sirius. And those are the real brothers. Sirius and James had been brothers since the moment they met on the train in first year. He wouldn’t understand Regulus’ anger with Sirius. And Regulus didn’t want to watch James be angry at him. He couldn’t.
Barty was released from the hospital wing just hours after being placed there (it was likely due to his and Regulus’ loud arguing), so Barty and Regulus spent most of the day in the dorms. They had set up the record player, but they agreed to wait for the other Slytherin’s and Remus before playing the music
Barty hated this agreement. By the time everyone got to the dorm, Regulus had already jinxed him five times and hexed him once to keep him from playing the record. Pandora was the last to get to the dorm, walking at a leisurely pace.
“Fucking finally,” Barty said when she walked in the dorm. “We’ve been waiting forever.”
“Shut up, Bartemius,” Pandora said. She laid down with a dramatic flourish on Regulus’ bed. “Some of us actually had to go to classes today.” Barty waved her off and went to put on the vinyl James picked out.
Remus sat on the floor, leaning against Regulus’ bed, which both he and Pandora sat on. Evan laid so his legs were on the wall and his back was on his bed. Dorcas and Barty shared the latters bed. It was usually how they sat. It had become one of Regulus’ favorite routines.
“Is this album any good?” Evan asked Remus as the music began.
“Of course it is,” Remus said. “It’s Bowie.” The Slytherin’s looked at him blankly. “He’s only the best musician in the world. When I was younger, I was convinced that he was a wizard.” He smiled. “And The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust is his best album, I swear it. Now shut up and listen.” That’s what they did.
Regulus wasn't sure he understood everything the man sang. There were obvious muggle references that the pureblood wizards wouldn’t understand and some of his words slurred, so Regulus didn’t understand. Still, he was completely mesmerized by the music.
It was the first time Regulus truly understood Pandora’s idea of knowing vs feeling. He felt the music and that’s all that mattered. It made him happy and sad all at once, which he did understand. But that didn’t matter. Not understanding wasn’t going to stop him from feeling. Nothing could stop him from feeling.
The songs switched a couple of times before Remus smiled. “I love this one.” Everyone paid closer attention to the lyrics of the song before Pandora started laughing.
“Reg, it’s you!” she said. “You’re the Starman.” Regulus rolled his eyes and hit Pandora with a pillow.
“Oh, he’s so Starman,” Dorcas agreed, nodding to emphasize her point. Barty had a wide smile next to her.
“I’m gonna start calling you that,” he said.
“Don’t you dare.”
Barty’s smile grew. “You can't stop me, Starman.” Regulus threw a pillow and hit him straight in the face.
“Fuck you,” Barty said, throwing one back, but missing his mark and hitting Pandora. That stray pillow started a war.
The music blared in the background as pillows were thrown and people were hit. At one point, the twins, Pandora and Evan, ended up wrestling as well as Dorcas and Barty, who might as well have been siblings. Regulus and Remus stood to the side, having created a nonverbal truce to watch.
“Was it worth it?” Remus asked, finally. “Was writing the letters worth it to get a record player?”
Regulus nodded. “It’s not a big deal, it’s just like another writing assignment honestly.”
“But not really,” Remus said. Regulus didn’t respond. “I read the letter, Reg. It wasn’t just a writing assignment, was it?” He didn’t need confirmation.
Remus knew Regulus loved James, but he was one of Regulus’ only friends who didn’t bring it up. The two agreed to never discuss the ‘Marauders’ when they became friends. They had a few topics that were never spoken about in their friend group, such as Remus’ wolf problem, any family, and a couple others.
Still, Remus knew. And Remus knew what it was like having to watch, to help, someone you love, love someone else.
“Let’s just listen to the music,” Regulus said, barely above a whisper.
You’re a rock ‘n’ roll suicide
You’re too old to lose it, too young to choose it
And the clock waits so patiently on your song
You walk past the cafe, but you don’t eat
When you’ve lived too long
Oh, no, no, no, you’re a rock ‘n’ roll suicide.