It had been three years since Remus had died. Three years and Sirius still thought about him every day. He thought of him at night too, pictured his smile and his freckles and the way the sun had been bouncing off of his hair in golden rays. The dreams would turn nightmares, watching Remus laugh, watching Remus hold Harry above his head, watching Remus disappear beneath the surface, Sirius’ mind creating images of Remus gasping for breath, the water crashing into his lungs as Sirius stood by, helpless.
Remus’ shouts for help echoed in his mind like a siren calling him to the water. He was following it now.
It wasn’t a long drive from his flat to the once popular tourist attraction that was the Black Lake. A short story had run in the local newspaper, the tale of a local man who had drowned, his name spelled wrong in little black letters, and suddenly people stopped coming to the lake. Not Sirius though. He went there every day, lured by the sound of Remus’ gasping cries. Remus would beg for Sirius to come for him. To save him. Sirius never could.
Today was the day Sirius had resolved to join him. He’d been on the edge of this for so long, he knew all there was now was to join Remus, and hope that Remus was able to forgive him. Or if not absolution, at least peace.
He walked through the canopy of trees, dimly lit as the sun was just starting to set, just as it had been then. He was dazed, his vision blurred and his head spinning as he made his way across the leaf scattered ground. He tripped over a root and fell, his knees scraping against the ground, a thin coat of mud covering them. He cursed and screamed as he saw the small bead of blood forming on his skin. The flesh around is was so pale, so cold.
After what felt like hours of pulling himself together, Sirius wiped his eyes and took out his thermos, full of rum as it usually was. He used a little to clean away the crimson torment and took a large swig for himself, feeling it burn through him. It helped only for a moment before the cold crept back into his bones, and chill running up his spine and settling there as it did each and every day.
When he reached the lake Sirius sat down at the edge, as he always did, in the spot where Remus had disappeared, as he always did. He used to speak to Remus; to tell him about his day, or ask his advice. Sometimes he could laugh. Most of the time he just cried, wishing for a response he never would receive. One day Sirius discovered he had been screaming at the lake, taken back to himself by the presence of another person joining him.
James and Lily lived by the edge of the lake, the only house for miles around, and Sirius did his best to avoid them each time he came. The first time James had found him Sirius had fought him off, unwilling to be calmed or comforted. He had ran away from James, bolted all the way to his car, a Ford Falcon Sedan 1969 that had once belonged to Remus, and promptly crashed it into a tree. James had taken him home, picking out the broken glass from his skin and off his clothes whilst Sirius sat motionless, staring out the window into the deep black water. James sorted everything out, smoothed it over until it was just another misspelled newspaper article, no consequences. Man crashes Falcon Sedan 1975 into tree, no serious injuries reported.
James joined him often now, and most of the time Sirius didn’t have the energy to force him away. He hadn’t forgiven James, and he doubted he ever would. It had been James’ invitation that had brought them there. Sirius could still remember the look on Remus’ face as Sirius told him they would be watching Harry whilst Lily and James were away. Sirius had laughed, and then he had kissed Remus, swung his arms around his neck and told him that they would have fun.
Sirius would do anything to see that face again. Anything.
Sirius had barely been there a few minutes before someone sat down beside him.
“Is it one of those days?” James asked, keeping a distance that never used to exist between them. There was a heavy note of concern in his voice, like he already knew what Sirius was palnning. He did know, really. It was hardly the first time.
Apparently he got a look in his eye, that was what James always said. A look. On the days he felt his worst, the days where Remus’ absence was too much to bear, the days like today, where he resolved to have no more days. This wasn’t the first time, just hopefully the last.
“I’m not going to let you do it,” James spoke, words Sirius knew he would hear, calmly spoken but fully of grief.
“I know,” Sirius replied, voice emptier than it had ever been when Remus had been alive. “But you won’t always be here to stop me.”
James sometimes said Sirius was unfair. Sirius thought he probably agreed. But life wasn’t fair. If life was fair then Remus would be here.
Today James didn’t argue.
“I remember how he would sing,” James said.
He never did this. Never spoke of Remus. Sirius never let him. But Sirius was tired. He was so, so, tired.
“He would sing and we would call it howling,” James continued, “He was terrible. Just awful really. But you said it was tender, your tender wolf, you called him.”
“I can’t hear him anymore,” Sirius admitted, his chest aching as he said the words aloud. Remus’ voice had been replaced only by his screams in Sirius’ mind, tormenting him, leading him back to the lake again and again.
“I can,” James said, “I can remember for both of us.”
It was silent after that.
“You can scream if you like,” James said after a while. Sirius almost felt sorry for him, he never stopped trying. “Go on,” he encouraged, “Go on, now, scream and shout. We’re miles from where anyone will hear you.”
“Yeah, that’s nothing new,” Sirius replied dismissively. No one had heard Remus. No one but Sirius, and Harry, too young to remember. When the ambulance finally arrived, it was far too late. They hadn’t even bothered with the sirens.
“Come inside,” James said, “Stay, Sirius. We’ll figure this out.”
Sirius had no reason to argue. He couldn’t return to Remus with James sat right there. He let himself be led inside. Lily made them tea and Sirius didn’t talk. He went to bed in the room that had been set out for him since Lily and James had bought the house. It had been for him and Remus, for when they visited. There were still traces of Remus in there. Books on the shelf that had belonged to him, a blanket on the bed knitted for him by his mum. On the bedside table there was a note that had never been thrown away or moved.
Taken Harry out on the water. Come join. Remus x.
It was three a.m. when the screams drove Sirius to sneak out of the house, leaving James, Lily and Harry asleep in their beds. He walked outside, barefoot and in his pyjamas, his feet taking him to the edge of the lake.
He stared into the water, his own reflection staring back at him, mocking him until he was forced to close his eyes, picturing the moments before it had happened.
Please, begged a helpless voice in his head, don’t let him die.
There was a crush, something cold and loud and frightening, and then suddenly there was quiet.
Sirius opened his eyes and squinted at the bright light that had invaded the night sky. He blinked and found Remus standing before him. The scene was bathed in sunlight, the orange hue bouncing off of Remus’ curls, his lips curved into a soft smile, his green eyes beaming down at Sirius.
“Hey,” Remus said, his voice smooth as butter.
Sirius choked a sob and fell face first into Remus’ arms. How he had ever forgotten Remus’ voice, he didn’t know, because now he could hear it clear as day, burned into his mind. He held onto him tight, to his body so full of warmth, laughing and sobbing.
“Hey,” he replied, feeling Remus’ arms close around him in his strong embrace, holding Sirius as he stained Remus’ soft white t-shirt with his tears.
“What’s wrong?” Remus asked, lifting Sirius’ chin to look him in the eye.
As he gazed into Remus’ eyes, Sirius found he didn’t know. Nothing was wrong. Everything was perfectly right, as it should be. He was with Remus, what could be wrong?
He laughed and shook his head.
“I forgot,” He whispered, and everything was well.
***
Local man, Sirus Black, found drowned in Black Lake. Friends and authorities suspect suicide.
***