Chapter 4
It was quite late when Carla had finally arrived at Lisa’s house having taken her advice to dig further into the Prime Minister’s wife’s life.
“I thought you’d stood me up.” Lisa stood there in the doorway looking radiant as she’d opened the door. Beautiful, even. She was wearing her hair down again, something Carla could get quite used to, and was dressed in a cute sweatshirt, white this time paired with high-waisted jeans. Worlds apart from her sharp cutting-edge suits that Carla had been so used to seeing her in, in sometimes what felt like a previous life. Carla quite liked these casual looks from Lisa, she seemed different. Relaxed, perhaps.
“I wouldn’t do that to you.” Carla said as she noticed Lisa step aside to allow her to come inside. “I, um, got carried away with work-“
“No work talk tonight, okay? If I’m- if we’re going to do this-“ Lisa paused, tumbling over her own words. “This, opening up thing, I want to just concentrate on that. No work talk. No distractions. Is that…okay with you?” Lisa asked cautiously, her voice laced with nerves.
Carla stood there surprised for a moment. Wondered who on earth this woman was. She looked like Lisa, she certainly sounded like Lisa, yet the words that fell from her lips were something she never thought she would hear from Lisa. As she noticed the blonde shift nervously, a warm smile spread across Carla’s face. “No work talk. No distractions. Absolutely okay with me.”
— — —
As they both settled on the sofa after sharing pizza and on to their second glass of wine each, Lisa had a burning question she’d wanted to ask Carla all night.
“Can I ask how you knew about-“ Lisa pauses as she looks down at her wine glass nestled within her hands. “about Becky?” Lisa meets Carla’s gaze as she nervously manages to finish her sentence.
Carla thought about her next move carefully. She knew she had to be honest with Lisa, but she hoped she wouldn’t upset her. She’d only just found her again, and only just got here, in this place with Lisa where she was prepared to have a non-work related evening with her and by all accounts from what Carla gathered yesterday, a heart to heart perhaps.
Carla felt in a position where Lisa was prepared to possibly open up to everything, so the last thing she wanted to do was push Lisa away, but that’s also why she knew she needed to be honest.
Carla took a deep breath. “I…um…I followed you after you ran out on me at the café the other day. I followed you to the cemetery and figured if you’d spotted me in there, I had my own reasons to be there…but you didn’t see me so, you know.” Carla shrugged as she paused. “Why didn’t you tell me Lisa?”
Lisa thought for a moment. Her mind was whirring a million miles an hour. What on earth could Carla’s reasons be for being in the cemetery? What was her cover story? Who had she lost? What had I really missed in these last five years?
She wasn’t angry that Carla had followed her, not at all. Her heart ached more at the thought of Carla losing someone she loved and Lisa not being there to support her. She knew from her own pain, heartbreak and loss that the worst thing she ever did was leave Carla behind.
“Carla…” Lisa reached out with her free hand, attempting to place a comforting hand on Carla’s arm but Carla gently moved her arm away as she took another sip from her wine glass, hoping that the movement didn’t look too obvious.
“Stop trying to deflect Lisa, please.”
“But you’re just as important, Carla.” Lisa tried to reason, but knew she was fighting a losing battle. Carla was a fierce woman, never one to back down. Lisa too, was just as fierce but she knew she’d buckle against Carla, especially tonight. She knew she was going to tell the truth, but the truth hurt so she couldn’t try and deny the fact that she was attempting to delay the inevitable, with a few bumps in the road along the way.
“Not as important as you are, right now. We can talk about me another time.”
Lisa cocked her eyebrow, not convinced.
“I promise.” Carla added softly, sensing in Lisa’s expression that the blonde wasn’t quite convinced that Carla would share, but she knew she would eventually. She had to. Especially as she was pressing Lisa so much to open up.
Lisa sighed heavily, gazing into Carla’s eyes. She could see the pain and the hurt that she’d caused Carla, but she was desperate to try and get her to understand. “You needed me that night, I couldn’t possibly have told you.” Lisa admitted, defencelessly.
“But you needed me too.” Carla argued, not wanting to just admit defeat. It would be so easy for Carla to just give in and say okay, you win, Lisa. I forgive you for walking out on me five years ago. I forgive you for leaving. I forgive you for not letting me be there for you like you’d been there for me. Let’s draw a line under it and forget about it. You’re here now. That’s what counts, right?
But no.
That wasn’t an option for Carla.
Lisa’s voice was softer now. “Yeah, I get that Carla. But you didn’t know I needed you. That was the point. You needed me, and I knew that you needed me because I’d been there for you through it all.” She paused, almost as if trying to swallow her own emotions. “How could I have possibly told you that my wife had died on the same night that-“
“Because it was me Lisa! You could have told me anything, anytime. You know that. But you cut all contact, you don’t reply to my calls and texts, you’d gone. You literally disappeared off the face of the earth and I thought I’d done something terrible. I even hated myself for-“
Carla couldn’t say it. But Lisa knew what she meant, as Lisa hadn’t been able to say it either. Something else had happened that night. Well, almost. But neither of them were ready to address the other elephant in the room just yet. This conversation was about grief, not about their, let’s just say, unspoken feelings perhaps.
Lisa started to cry then. Her sobs were gentle at first but then when the tears escaped they became heavier. Carla felt heartbroken. She was just within arms reach of Lisa, and so she took both their wine glasses and placed them gently on the coffee table in front of them, scooted a little closer to the blonde, daring to tread lightly into her personal space and put her arm around her, gently coaxing Lisa into her side.
Lisa let her. She felt Carla’s arm wrap around her and she let her whole body melt into Carla’s. She rested her head on the brunette’s chest as Carla then wrapped her other arm around her and as she cried, and cried and cried.
After a while, of being like that, together. Lisa began to settle. She began to regain control again, and just as she started to move, started to pry herself away from Carla’s hold, she felt Carla press a soft kiss to her head.
“Do you remember the night you told me about Peter?” Lisa looked at Carla as she asked the question. Sitting there next to the brunette, red faced and puffy eyed. Carla had leant forward to pick her wine back up, she felt a little cold, noticing the absence of Lisa’s body as she’d left her embrace.
“I do. I remember it like it was yesterday. You sat there, you listened to me all night. You held me while I cried. You were my rock, Lisa.”
“You were mine.”
“But I wasn’t, was I? I wasn’t good enough.” Carla bit back, a little spiteful. It didn’t mean to come out like it had and Carla regretted it the second that it did. Wincing at her own tone as she kept her eyes on her wine glass, not daring to look at Lisa.
“Carla…it wasn’t like that…” Lisa trailed off, just as she thought she was regaining control of her emotions, Carla’s anger bit into her and she felt the weight crashing down all over again.
“Then tell me what it was like, Lisa. Help me understand because I just wish you’d let me in. I wish you’d trusted me enough to share your pain instead of running away.” Carla’s tone was gentle, but still she was angry.
“I was trying to protect you!”
“Protect me from what Lisa?”
“My own pain, my heartbreak, loss…I was trying to protect you from me.”
“But that wasn’t your decision to make. You don’t get to decide what you protect me from.”
“I know I messed up Carla. I thought that I was doing the right thing. I thought you'd be better off without me in your life. What use was I to you when I wouldn't be able to hold myself together? But now I know that I was just pushing away the people-“ Lisa took a deep breath before continuing. “person that I cared about the most.
“And that cared about you the most.” Carla added on to what Lisa was saying.
“I couldn’t be what you wanted, Carla, I couldn’t be what you deserved.” Lisa tried to reason with Carla, hoping the brunette knew exactly what she was talking about without having to spell it out.
She did know.
“You think I was ready for that, Lisa as much as-“ Carla stopped herself for a moment, redirecting her own train of thought. She still wasn’t ready to address it. To talk about it. I just wanted you to be my friend, I still do. All I’ve ever wanted is to have you back in my life, in whatever form that may be.” Carla let Lisa read between the lines with that last sentence. Leaving the possibility open for whatever Lisa may want too, in time.
“I’m sorry I-“ Carla continued, but was soon interrupted by Lisa.
“You don’t need to be sorry Carla, I wanted it as much as you did.” Lisa positioned herself so she was sat facing Carla on the sofa, her head resting on the back cushions as she tucked her legs underneath herself.
The last few moments had been intense, emotions were at an all time high. Both women were angry, soft, torn, conflicted, hurting but still here. Together.
“Do you think you could see a way into ever forgiving me?” Lisa asked quietly. Hopeful. It was almost a whisper.
“I’m still here, aren’t I?” Carla whispered as she dared to reach for Lisa’s hand, to allow for some physical connection and Lisa let her of course, their fingers entwining.
“It might take me some time to trust you again, trust that you’re not going to, you know, disappear again, but I’m prepared to put in the work required for me to trust you again, if you’re willing to put in the work too, for us to be more than just acquaintances?”
“I’d spend the rest of my life making it up to you if that’s how long it takes.” Lisa’s admission was soft, but firm.
They sat there, in companionable silence for a while, Carla stroking the back of Lisa’s hand softly with her thumb and Lisa watched as she felt the comfort of the physical touch from Carla.
“What was she like?” Carla asked gently, breaking the silence between them.
“Who, Becky?”
“Yeah…”
Lisa smiled as she thought about her wife. Relished any opportunity she got to talk about her. Remember the happier times of their marriage.
“She was complete opposite to you in some ways.” Lisa laughed and Carla rolled her eyes playfully. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, she was so beautiful, inside and out. She was kind, caring, loving. Everything like that I see in you but-“ Lisa paused as she processed her own words. Her own realisation that she’d just called Carla beautiful inside and out. Kind. Caring. Loving. Hoping Carla hadn’t necessarily noticed.
Carla had noticed.
“She wasn’t feisty, or as independent as you are. She wasn’t as strong willed but she was strong enough. I was the strong one, for the both of us. Bex…she was more the…peace maker. She was the better mother, better wife, better friend…”
“Lisa, I find that hard to believe.” Carla interrupted. As much as Carla felt a lot right now, she didn’t like the fact that Lisa was putting herself down.
“Well she was. She always kept the peace between me and Betsy. She always had more time for me than I had for her and she would have never, ever done anything like what I did to you-“
Carla interrupted again.
“Hey. You’ve got to stop beating yourself up. You’re stronger than this Lisa. Come on, we’ve said our piece. Both of us. If we’re going to come out of this, stronger, together, then you’ve got to stop being so hard on yourself.”
Lisa rolled her eyes. Retracting her hand from Carla as she glances over towards the photos that sit in pride of place in her room.
“I’m not strong anymore. I’m weak. I’m a coward.” Lisa mumbled, barely audible but Carla heard it clearly enough and so places her wine glasses down again, grabs Lisa’s hand back, holding it softly between both of her own, she turned to face the blonde.
“Yes, you are strong. You are not weak and you’re certainly not a coward.” Carla’s tone was firm, almost forceful.
They were gazing into each other’s eyes, hazy from the bottle of wine they’d shared and slightly exhausted from all the high level of emotions felt over the course of the night.
Carla had said her piece. Again.
Lisa gripped her hand tightly. Willing herself to hold back more tears.
Carla gently tried to change the subject to something softer, fearing if she pushed too hard, Lisa would push her away. She felt like she was on a very thin line with Lisa, despite all they’d talked about and achieved tonight, she felt Lisa was still in a very fragile way.
“So what’s Betsy up to these days?”
“She’s doing really well. You know that factory down the road, Underworld? That’s hers. She manages it.”
“Wow.” Carla responded in awe. “Like mother, like daughter, eh? Ambitious. See something you want, grab it with both hands.”
“Yeah…she’d just finished university with a First Class Honours around the same time as we lost Bex. She never got to tell her.” Lisa swallowed hard.
“It’d be nice to meet Betsy one day.”
Lisa smiled at Carla’s admission. “I’m sure we can arrange something.”
“So what have I missed in the world of Carla Connor? Met anyone nice?” Lisa dared to ask, not really wanting to know the answer to that question but desperately wanting to know all at the same time. She needed to know what she was playing with here.
“No.” Carla admitted. “There’s been no one since…Peter.” But what she really wanted to say was there’s been no one since you left. Because even though nothing had happened with Lisa, it almost could have, almost did, and so, after that almost, no one had ever compared to Lisa.
“I should go.” Carla admitted. Feeling a little more than tipsy. “I’ll call a taxi.”
“Stay.” Lisa said quickly before she’d even processed herself what she’d offered, looking a little flushed. “You can have the spare room…if you want.”
Carla was lost for words for a moment. Taken aback by the blonde’s unexpected offer.
“Thank you. But…we’ve got a big day tomorrow. And I’ve got to sort some things out first so I can update you properly. Another time?” Carla suggested, not wanting Lisa to feel rejected but she really did need to go home tonight. It was the safest option, for the both of them. “Besides, I don’t want to overstay my welcome. I don’t want you to get sick of me already.” Carla teased, trying to shed some light on the evening, before she left for home.
“I could never get sick of you, Carla Connor. I’ve really, really missed you.”