The first time Petunia remembers Lily doing something truly strange was the night before Lily’s first day of school. Lily was five, and Petunia was seven. Lily really wanted a lollipop, but their parents had said it was too late and that they needed to go to bed. Lily, in all her stubbornness, had snuck a lollipop anyways, and got it caught in her hair. Petunia had to cut it out after Lily cried not to tell their parents, leaving Lily’s long red locks chopped up and frayed. She looked like a scarecrow, really. But the next morning, her hair was back to its long luscious state.
More “strange” things started to happen after that. Some more subtle, like Lily dropping glass without shattering it. Some more obvious, like Lily growing flowers in the palms of her hands. At first, Petunia was scared. Those things weren’t normal, and she knew they weren’t. But she was also curious. If Lily was her sister, and sisters were supposed to share everything, would Petunia be able to do these things too?
Apparently not, Petunia found. Lily would show Petunia trick after trick– burping bubbles, freezing water. Petunia was fascinated at first, and she tried herself many times. She later became ashamed at the memories of holding her hands out and hoping something would happen. Squeezing her eyes shut and tensing her muscles hard– only to realize how ridiculous she must look after. After her countless humiliations, she grew to hate Lily’s abilities.
“Stop it! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!!!”
Lily just kept giggling, she kept floating bubbles towards Petunia’s face, making sure they’d pop on her nose.
“Calm down, Tuney. I’m just joking!”
“Of course you think it’s just joking! You’re being freaky!”
Lily stopped giggling. That was the first time Petunia called her a freak, but it certainly wasn’t the last.
These, Petunia realizes years later, were the first seeds of jealousy being planted. It only got worse when Lily met Severus.
Petunia and Lily had been playing outside when Lily strayed away. When Petunia caught up to her, a small, greasy, black-haired boy was telling Lily how she was magical. Petunia remembers a horrible feeling coiling in her chest, as the extraordinary abilities Lily had displayed were finally given validity. What’s worse, only Lily had these abilities. Petunia was left in the dust. She got angry with both Lily and Severus, but that never stopped her from spying.
Severus would tell Lily about a magical world, with a grand school and mystical people. She remembers everything Severus told Lily. How some people had magical abilities, and if you had them, you’d be sent a letter from an owl inviting you to a school in a castle. Petunia wanted so badly to be magical. Maybe she was a late bloomer? She was magical, but her abilities hadn’t manifested yet? Though she didn’t admit it, her eleventh birthday was the most nerve wracking of them all. She hoped and prayed she would get a letter, and even stayed up till midnight waiting for it.
She never got one.
After that, she hoped and prayed Lily wouldn’t get one either. But, the fates were against her, as a snow-white owl delivered a wax sealed letter to the Evans’ window on Lily’s eleventh birthday. Their entire family huddled over it in wonder, but both Petunia and Lily knew what was inside. Petunia could feel her heart cry. Later, a woman in a witches hat and robes came to their home. Petunia never remembered her name, only that it must have started with an M or N. But she remembers the feeling in her chest as the woman describes the mysterious and magical life that Lily’s a part of.
“You’re daughter is a part of an extraordinary world”
Petunia’s chest tightens.
“She has incredible powers that must be honed”
A knife plunges into her heart.
“I know this must be a lot, but Lily is meant for something greater”
The knife is ripped out, and Petunia’s heart is cleaved in two.
How was it fair that Lily, her baby sister, was awarded with extraordinary magical abilities? How was it, that the legends and fairytales were true, only Petunia didn’t get to see it? That Lily was a real life witch, who got to go off and live in a castle for other witches and wizards, while Petunia was stuck eating shit in Cokeworth? How come Lily got to live every child’s dream and she didn't? What horrible genetic lottery did Petunia lose?
That night, Petunia wrote a letter to Dumbledore, asking him to take her, too. If Lily was magical, couldn’t it mean Petunia was magical too? Maybe they could draw it out of her, and Petunia could go to Hogwarts too? Petunia only realized she had no way to deliver it after she cried her eyes out. Petunia isn’t able to look at Lily for the next couple of months. She can see Lily is hurt. She can hear Lily cry about the silent treatment she’s currently receiving. Petunia can only think that Lily is just starting to understand how she feels.
Lily and Petunia’s parents, however, were so excited, fawning over Lily at all times. Sometimes, it felt like Petunia wasn’t there. Especially when Lily started to show off her tricks to their parents. Her mother and father laughing and giggling as Lily bursts bubbles on their faces, the very action that made Petunia so angry. And there's Petunia, brooding in the corner, no one paying her mind. Every single time she looked at Lily, she was given the reminder that Lily was special and she wasn’t. Every time she looked at Lily, sadness rose in her throat and jealousy curled in her chest.
She can’t tell if she loved or hated Diagon Alley.
It was the most amazing thing she’d ever seen in her life. Hands down. The shops were straight out of fairytales, selling things like brooms and owls and even candies that could make your face turn purple. There were witches and wizards all around, using magic. Real. Life. Magic. This world was amazing, it was beautiful and it was extraordinary.
And Petunia didn’t get to be a part of it. No, that honor was awarded to her baby sister and her freak friend.
It wasn’t fair.
That was the only thing she could think until September first, and it was the only thing she could think of when she thought of Lily. She’s not proud of how she wished Lily off at the train station. She doesn’t feel horrible about it either. Because while Lily got to go live at a grand castle and learn magic with her magical friends, Petunia had to go back to Cokeworth. Drab, disgusting, gloomy Cokeworth. She had to go back to her regular public school, with leaky ceilings and stinky gym locker rooms. She had to spend time with her regular friends, many of which were shallower than a creek. She had to come home everyday to both of her parents, who raved about the amazing life Lily was living off at Hogwarts.
Even when Lily wasn’t in the home, she took up all of her parents' praise. What good was an A on a maths test when Lily got an Outstanding in her potions exam ? Petunia’s physical activity consisted of walking around school and doing PE among sweaty, disgusting boys. Lily’s physical activity was flying in the air with a broom and walking up and down moving stairs . Petunia had to eat soggy cereal every morning and revolting school lunches every day. Lily got magic-made feasts every single meal, every single day.
Lily once sent their family a moving photo (by owl, of course) of the Hogwarts grounds. Petunia never admitted it, but the views were the most stunning thing she had ever seen in her life, and it was right out Lily’s bedroom window. Outside Petunia’s window was dead grass and snow-slush that separates them from the neighbors. Not to mention, Lily had apparently made great friends with her roommates, so she just had sleepovers every single night.
The jealousy was too much.
It ate at her. She couldn't think of Lily without thinking about everything she was missing out on. The life she could’ve lived, if only she didn’t get the shit end of the gene pool. She would be on the verge of crying in English class because she thought of what Lily was doing right at that moment. Probably something that would steal their parents attention again, something incredible and amazing that Petunia could literally never live up too.
She really did get the shit end of the gene pool, though. Lily had the most stunning red hair. It was long and luscious and wonderfully silky. And it wasn’t ‘red’ as in carrot orange and ugly. It was ‘red’ as in rich auburn hue that made her a beauty to look at. That, paired with eyes greener than grass. Not the type of green that was muddled with hints of brown or blue, but solid green. Any boy she looked at could only manage to transfix themselves on her, as proven by every time Lily came back to Cokeworth. Meanwhile, there was Petunia. The ugly duckling. Skinny, but so much so she more resembled a bony horse than anything near attractive. Her hair was dark brown, like the mud under the grass, and her eyes were the same. They weren't honey-brown or warm-brown or even chocolate-brown. They were just dark and plain.
Somehow, Lily got all of the luck, the beauty, charm and magic. And Petunia was left with nothing.
She couldn’t wait to leave Cokeworth. She had nothing there, only hollow reminders of the life she had, and the one she could have. Her parents' eyes never sparkled for her the way they did for Lily. Their faces never lit up when they saw Petunia. She was just…there. She was a background character and she knew it. To her parents, to Lily, to boys, to her friends. She lived in a boring town, doing boring work, with boring aspirations. She looked as plain as she was. She was like one of those soft serve ice-cream cones, the ones that looked and tasted like cardboard.
But Lily was living it up. To her, winter was magical. Winter perfectly white snow that covered the vast Hogwarts grounds. It was the cold air biting her face as she walked with her closest friends to whatever magical destination they were going to. It was being invited into a castle with a grand feast and whatever magical festivities wizards had to offer. For Petunia, winter was sludge on the side of the road because factory fumes melted them just enough . It was exams piling up in her dingy school. It was her freezing her ass off in the house because the heater has been broken for the past eight years. It was Christmas spent fawning over Lily and how amazing she was.
She couldn’t bring herself to cry about it anymore.
She knew Lily was heartbroken about their relationship. Well, Petunia was heartbroken about her life . Lily tried to become sisters again, but Petunia couldn’t stomach knowing how much she’d missed out on. Eventually, Lily stopped trying. Petunia never admitted she was hurt.
Vernon told her that it was for the best, and she trusted him. Vernon was a year older than her, and they met when he was in his last year of school. Unlike everyone, Vernon didn’t think she was plain. He didnt think she was a background character. He made her feel special. For the first time in her life, Petunia felt special. Around him, Petunia wasn’t plain, she was respectable. She wasn’t high-strung, she was organized and responsible. Her aspirations (or lack thereof) weren’t basic, afterall, they were pragmatic and realistic. He thought she was responsible, smart, respectable and better than every other girl in her grade. He gave her flowers often, and didn’t mind her silence. Other people thought he was boring, but Petunia didn’t see it that way at all. Vernon wasn’t boring, he was steady, reliable, and stable. Sure, Vernon wasn’t the most attractive. He was more than a little chubby, and was red in the face more often than not, but Petunia wasn’t a model either. They were just two normal people trying to get by, and they understood that about each other. And as Petunia
And most importantly, he thought she was better than her sister.
Petunia was nervous to introduce Vernon to Lily. What if he looked at Lily and really how truly average Petunia was? What if he stopped thinking she was special? But those fears were squashed when Vernon looked at Lily, and then looked away. He didn’t look at her like she was special, or amazing or the things Petunia wasn’t. He saw her, and he didn’t care.
Petunia was sure she’d marry him.
That made her all the more angry when Lily spoke to her after he left.
“Excuse me?”
“Come on, Petunia. He’s so boring! All he does is drone on and on about the most useless things that no one wants to hear about!”
“He was talking about himself! He had too, considering you couldn’t exactly make conversation about what you do at Hogwarts”
“He was duller than a spoon!”
“Watch how you speak of him! I want to marry the man!”
Lily just began laughing.
“Is that funny to you?”
“You can’t be serious! What do you see in him?”
There were a number of things Petunia could have said. He makes me feel special. He makes me feel wanted. He makes me feel like I'm worth something. Instead, she chose the more aggressive option.
“You could never understand! Not with how great your life is”
“I’m sorry, what do you know about my life?” Lily’s voice broke. Petunia almost felt bad. “Seeing as you refused to be a part of it!”
“I know that you're not stuck eating shit here in Cokeworth!”
“Get over yourself, Petunia!”
“Get over MYSELF? You're the one that sucks up everyone's attention! Lily, I dread you! I dread your presence, your memory, your thought! Every time you remind me you exist I want to cry!”
Lily just looked taken aback. Neither of them spoke. Petunia wasn’t lying, but it seemed to be a truth that hit too hard for either of them to come back from.
“Fine.” Lily whispered, tears beginning to stream down her face. “Fine! You clearly don’t want to be my sister, so I don’t even know why I try. If this is what you want, Petunia, fine! You won’t ever have to deal with me again!”
Lily ran out of the room, and ran down the hall to her own room, where Petunia heard the door slam shut.
“Fine” Petunia whispered to herself, as she fell onto her bed. Isn’t this what she wanted? To rid Lily from her life? Yes, as she remembers, it was. Then why did it hurt so bad? Petunia was crying. Tears streamed down her face, and slowly her tears turned to sobs. Violent, body wracking sobs that she hid in her pillow. Her head hurt, her nose was stuffed and her eyes didn’t have anything more to give. She felt empty. She could walk down the hall to Lily’s room, tell her how sorry she was. Tell her how she’d always been second to her, how worthless she felt standing next to her. Tell her that they’d always be sisters no matter what and that Petunia was sorry for shutting Lily out of her life. She could, but she didn't.
She didn’t walk down the hall to Lily’s room.
Lily didn’t speak to her the next day.
She didn’t say goodbye as Lily went back to school for her sixth year.
Lily didn’t look back at her once.
She didn’t give Lily a ticket to her graduation.
Lily didn’t give Petunia a ticket to hers.
She didn’t give Lily an invitation to her wedding.
She didn’t know Lily got married either.
She got a single postcard from Lily when her nephew was born.
She still hadn’t told her about Dudley.
Lily’s final message, perhaps the most heartbreaking, didn’t come from her. It came from an old wizard with a long beard and a little boy on her doorstep.
She cried herself to sleep that night.