Les I'm Miserable
There is a moment in life where you know nothing will be the same again.
Where you know everything is going to change. Regulus Black sat shoulder-to-shoulder with James Potter, they were sitting in the astronomy tower, stargazing. It was terribly cliche, totally cringe-worthy, he knew. But this was James Potter, and he would never understand how he got so lucky, the past five months have been awesome, exhilarating, beautiful. And now he was about to throw it all away.
“James,” Regulus sighed, readying himself for what he had to do. Because he had to do it. Because he couldn’t risk James’ happiness just because he was selfish. “Yeah, Reg?”
Fuck – that still made him blush.
“We need to talk.” A crease appeared on James’ forehead; a concerned frown now plastered on his face. He now had James’ undivided attention.
“Of course, yeah, what’s going on?” Regulus suddenly found the air up here very thin; he couldn’t fucking breathe. James was one of the last good thing in his life, one of the only people who had stayed through good and bad. And that was why he needed to do this, because James deserved to be happy. And so did Sirius.
“We need to break up.”
James clearly hadn’t been expecting that. A series of emotions flickered on his face – shock, betrayal, anger. “I- I don’t understand. What happened Reg? What changed?”
“Everything changed, James. Everything. Sirius knows, and you’re not talking to your friends, and now you’re not talking to Sirius.” James seemed to recoil at Regulus’ statement. A cold exterior appearing on his face. “You’re just fucking scared.”
“Yeah, you know what, I am!” Regulus said tears appearing in his eyes. He inhaled, blinking rapidly; he wasn’t going to cry. “I’m terrified that Sirius is never going to accept us, and that you’ll never be happy; because I’m not enough. I’m scared that I’m hurting you.”
James’ eyes glistened with unshed tears now. He looked distraught and Regulus couldn’t deal with that, he hated seeing James – who he loved – so upset. So he looked away. Repression, Regulus was good at that.
“Sirius will get over it, Regulus.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it James.”
“I know,” James breathed out, running a shaking hand through his hair. “This is breaking my heart, you know? You are breaking my heart.”
“And for that I’m sorry.”
“Don’t. I don’t want your apologies.” James let out a shuddering breath, “I want you, Regulus. I don’t want this to be over. The last five months have been the best five months if my life.” Regulus smiled, his unshed tears blurring James’ figure. He was still gorgeous though. “Me too James, and because of that I need you to be happy. Sirius is your brother, and you need him. And I need you to be happy.”
There was a distance between them now, physically and emotionally. And, fuck, that hurt. “That’s it then? That’s the end.”
The End. It was, he supposed. It had to be. “Yeah, I guess so.” Regulus got up to leave before anyone got hurt even more than they already were. A warm hand encased his wrist, it was gentle not aggressive. “Reg – I – there has to be something-”
“No.” Regulus turned to face the boy. “No. Don’t fight for me, James. Go be happy, go be with your friends.” James was openly crying now, and Regulus wanted nothing more than to reach out and wipe them away. Make it all better. “Can I kiss you?” James asked. “You know, one last time?”
“Yeah,” Regulus breathed out.
James surged forward locking his lips on Regulus’.
It was passionate, but cold. They both new this was the last, the end. It was slow. It was soft. Their hands rested on the others arm, neither quite sure if they were pulling them closer, or pushing them away.
They broke apart, and Regulus’ heart broke.
“I love you.”
And he left.
~*~
James walked back to his dorm room. He felt numb. I love you. I love you. I love you. It was like a broken record in his brain. Regulus had told James he loved him, and then left. They’d never said that before. He’d wanted to, but he was a fucking coward.
He entered the common room, there was a fire roaring in the fire place and the girls were sitting around the couches playing cards. It should have been cosy, but it wasn't.
“Hey, James-” Marlene called him over, grinning.
He ignored her and headed up the stairs. “What’s his problem?” Marlene scoffed. Lily rolled her eyes, “Remus, Sirius and Peter aren’t talking to him. Apparently, him and Sirius had a fight.”
“Shit,” Mary whistled. “Wonder what happened. James and Sirius never fight.”
“No clue.”
~*~
James stormed into the dorm, slamming the door closed behind him.
Sirius glared at him. “What’s your problem Potter?”
“Why do you suddenly care, Sirius?”
Sirius scoffed, letting out a cold laugh, “I fucking don’t, but you’re being a nuisance.”
“Sirius!” Remus’ voice was sharp, and Sirius immediately backed down. “What’s wrong, James?” His voice was soft, and kind, and comforting.
James fucking broke.
The tears poured out of his eyes like a faucet. “I – I - ” He hiccuped, burying his face in his hands. The bed dipped next to him, an arm wrapped around him, engulfing him in comforting heat. “It’s Regulus,” – “Fucking told you,” that was Sirius – “He broke up with me, fucking selfless bastard. Said he could tell that – that I wasn’t coping without you guys. He knew it was because of him – because of us. So he broke up with me.”
“Oh, James.” Remus sighed, millions emotions coursing through his veins. He felt awful at the sight of his heart broken friend. “Told me he loved me, then he left. Bastard. We’ve never said that before. I didn’t even get to say it back.”
There was now a warmth on his other side. Sirius? It couldn't be. Sirius was pissed at him. Sirius hated James.
“Sirius?”
“Yeah, Jamie, I’m here. I’m so sorry.”
“I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.”