(I'm) Possible
Severus continued to meet up with Xavier through the next two weeks, calling him and walking together to get coffee and sit in the park, going through the new releases at Waterstones Books (and critiquing interesting and awful choices authors had made), arguing about sci-fi (which Severus found really inaccurate and which Xavier enjoyed a little too much), drinking together at Nayname and sometimes, going back to Severus’s house or Xavier’s flat.
This is what Xavier had learnt about Severus:
- He was cold at first - but then smart, witty and determined.
- Severus doesn’t watch movies and is confused about the whole concept of science fiction
- He didn’t want to keep meeting with Xavier but it was such a small town and he didn’t mind getting to know Xavier.
- Severus had panic attacks.
This is what Severus had learnt about Xavier:
- He was friendly, kind and his gentleness was so fucking irriating.
- Xavier watches too many movies and knows too bloody much about ‘sci-fi’
- He wanted to get to know Severus - even if he was a bit of a prat
- Xavier knew how to calm Severus down from his panic attacks.
They were at Nayname on a Sunday evening. Severus was whining about his therapist and some book he read as Xavier watched him with amusement - even fondness.
They were sat across from each other, their feet tangled and touching under the table-cloth draped table. Their hands accidentally brushed together when they reached for their glasses.
Severus enjoyed Xavier’s company - the easiness of it. There was no pressure, no expectation. He didn’t know all the strings attached to Severus’s name.
Verollida slid them their tab. They were about to leave - maybe go back to Severus’s house.
The door banged open, a group of men, dressed in black robes, burst in, laughing and swaying. They were obviously intoxicated already. Severus stiffened up at their uncoordinated behaviour as they swept through the room and to the bar.
“You there, Sev?” Xavier said. Severus had gotten used to his nickname being pronounced by Xavier. He would go as far to say that he liked it.
“Yes, let's go.” Severus reached for his coat.
One of the men who had entered with the group walked up to the bar, “Good witch, give us a round of Fire Whisky.”
Verollida looked at them, visibly uncomfortable, “We don’t serve Deatheaters here.”
Severus turned around rather quickly, looking closer at the group. There were four of them, dressed in the same robes with rips and tears. Two of them were the Carrow siblings - Alecto and Amycus, the other two were lower ranking Deatheaters that Severus cared not to learn the names of. It was bold of them, stupid, in fact, for them to show their faces here.
“Deatheaters? Why Verollida, my good witch, how could you propose such a thing?” Alecto said, smirking.
“Your leader is dead.” Verollida said bravely, “You no longer have power.”
“Power? We have no power?” Alecto pulled his wand from his robes pointing it in Verollida’s face. “I can show you what we still have - cruci–”
Alecto’s wand flew out of his hand. Severus caught it, his own wand held aloft.
“That's quite enough, Carrow.” he said.
Alecto’s eyes widened, his face twisted into a demented sneer, “Snape. The traitor.”
“Sev, do you know these people?” Xavier said, standing.
“How does it feel, Snape? To have betrayed your brothers and sisters - the only pure wixen - just to lose the one you wanted to protect?”
Severus’s face was cold and impassive. Alecto strode across the room to face him, wandless and rageful.
“You were the Dark Lord’s first mate. You were his closest ally - how dare you betray him in such a way. For a mudblood witch - that Lily Eva–”
“Silencio.” Severus said. Alecto’s face clammed up. “Take you and your friends out of here - do not come back to Nayname or you will not live to regret it.”
Amycus whispered the counter charm for silencio and her brother spoke again, “Is this mercy, Snape? I never thought you had any.”
“Leave this place, Carrow. Be glad I have not stooped so low as to call the ministry.”
Alecto was not so stupid as to pick a fight with Severus - even if he was outnumbered. There was a reason why Severus had been chosen as the Dark Lord’s right hand man - he trumped every other follower by his power and ability in magic.
Alecto smiled wickedly, “Oh Snape, you’ve gotten soft.” his eyes flickered over to Xavier for a moment, “Its too bad, Snapey. We all made such a team.”
Other patrons were upstanding now, facing the Deatheaters with their wands raised.
“Nayname is neutral ground.” One of the other customers said, “You’ve broken it by threatening the bartender.”
“Leave us, Deatheaters.”
“Go join your master in hell.”
The Deatheaters took one last look at the room before sweeping out with scheming, malicious faces. Alecto’s wand wriggled in Severus’s grasp. He let it go and it flew out the door with its master.
Severus slipped his wand back into his pocket. He turned to Xavier, “Come on. Let's go before they change their minds.”
Xavier stared at him, his face registering panic and fear. “You’re… you’re a Deatheater.”
Severus tried to hide his surprise - Xavier knew what a Deatheater was, he knew - he was wixen? Severus said, “Was. I was a Deatheater.”
“So, what? You’ve changed, have you?” Xavier took a step backward.
“I…” Had he? Had he changed?
“No. No people like you- they don’t change. They can’t - it's impossible.” Xavier stumbled over his words, his eyes flickered to the door.
“Xavier… I’ve done things I regret-”
“Yeah. Like killing people like me.”
“What?” Severus said as Xavier walked to the door with quick strides. He followed him, “Xavier, what do you mean?”
“God! I can’t believe I didn’t recognise you - of course! The Dark Lord’s best mate.” Xavier was still walking backwards, away from Severus. “Wheres your Dark Mark? You hid it from me, didn’t you?”
Severus hated the way he looked at him - with fear, hate and anger. Xavier had never looked at him like that before.
He rolled up his left sleeve - his forearm was pale and bare. He touched his wand tip to it and the glamour faded away to reveal a skull and a snake, but, obscuring and disfiguring all of it were self-inflicted scars, not all of them healed.
“I’m not a Deatheater anymore.” Severus said, as if a few scars could erase his abominable crimes, “Not anymore, not again. Xavier, please–”
“You hunt people like me- you- you’re probably just trying to play with me now, aren’t you? This whole week - its just been a game for you.” Xavier said, “Are you going to kill me now, Severus?”
“I won’t - I would never-”
“You and your friends, you hunt us.”
“Hunt who?”
“Non-magic wixen.” Xavier looked him in the eye, his face full of fear, “Squibs.”
“You’re a squib?”
“I bet you thought I was a muggle, didn’t you?” Xavier spat, “Yeah, it's easier to live as a muggle than it is to live as a squib.”
Severus had reached Xavier now, “You didn’t tell me–”
“As if you had the right to know! As if I should’ve told you - Deatheater!”
Severus grasped Xavier’s arm, “I’m not hunting you. I’m not here to kill you.”
Xavier was shaking. Severus saw what it looked like - a Deatheater, playing with a squibs feeling, getting free sex out of it only to turn around and kill him.
“Xavier…”
Xavier wrenched his arm free, “Don’t call me. Don’t come by my flat. Just… just don’t.”
Severus watched as Xavier raced down the street.
Xavier Benowitz felt he had been played a fool. Falling for someone - so quickly. Not even bothering to check Severus’s name against the list of known Deatheaters. Why had he been so charmed? Why had he been so blind?
He wiped away a stray tear, struggling to push those thoughts from his mind.
Now he could feel the darkness of the night pressing in around him. Those Deatheaters from the bar were probably around here somewhere, waiting to ambush Severus. Should Xavier turn back and help-
No. What was he thinking? He had no magic, nothing and Severus - he was a Deatheater for Merlin’s sake!
A tune met his ears. Someone was whistling.
“Well well well, what do we have here?” came a soft, playful voice - their tone was dangerously calm.
Xavier turned around, facing the empty street. Shadows ran a ring around him. The street lamp flickered miserably.
“Nox via.” someone said. All the street lights went out.
Rough hands grabbed Xavier and slammed him into a wall. He groaned with pain.
“Poor little squibby baby.” cooed a woman’s voice - Amycus Carrow. Xavier bet any money that all four of them had followed him from the bar and overheard him and Severus. “No one around to save you. No one here to help.”
They shoved him around in a circle - Xavier tried to break through, but they were determined to play with him.
Xavier drew a breath and ran through two of the people, he shoved them over, running into the street.
Amycus laughed and shot a blast of red light at him. Xavier ducked, running.
Swishing, tricksy shapes of blackness followed him - they weren’t as fast as usual, they were teasing him. They shot hexes at him and cast spells to make the street lights grow hands and chase him too.
Xavier took a wrong turn in the darkness and found himself in a grotty alleyway. He looked to the brick wall at the back - he could climb it, jump. Something.
Four shapes appeared in front of him.
There was no time to run.
“You know what would be funny?” one of the voices said, “If we killed this squib and we framed old Snapey - then he’d have to run back to us and we could spit right in his pathetic, greasy face.”
The others laughed. Two of them grabbed Xavier - he was powerless here, weak. He desperately looked around for something- someone, anything. There were only boxes, bins and litter.
“Poor squibby.” Amycus laughed, “Lost your lover?”
She raised his wand. Xavier braced himself.
There was an almighty bang. The alley was lit up in red and orange light. Amycus’s face was dripping with blood - the right side of her was red, raw seared skin. She screamed. Alecto let go of Xavier and rushed to Amycus’s side.
“His lover, Carrow, is right here.” Severus said. His black eyes blazed with defiance.
“Sev?” Xavier whispered, unbelieving.
“You FUCKER! You’ll pay!” Alecto shot something at Severus who deflected it, almost lazily.
The other Deatheaters left Xavier and ran at Severus, casting hexes and curses. He deflected them all, hit another Deatheater with a searing hex who recoiled.They rose in the air, becoming flying, black forms. Severus worked his way down the alleyway, right to Xavier’s side.
“Are you okay?” he asked, casting a shield charm against black sharp rain from Alecto’s wand. He put his hand out to Xavier.
Shakily, Xavier was hoisted up.
“Yeah- I’m…”
Alecto broke through the charm lunging for Severus’s neck with his wand. Xavier, without thinking, grabbed the thing closest to him and lashed out - Alecto’s face was smashed into a glass bottle.
The man yelped, Severus blasted him backward where he met with a lamp post.
“Alecto!” Amycus cried. The other Deatheaters followed her as she appeared at Alecto’s side.
Severus and Xavier emerged from the alleyway. Severus with his wand aimed at the Deatheaters, Xavier holding a sharp, broken glass bottle.
“Leave Rynsco,” Severus said, “This town is no longer welcome to you.”
Amycus looked at Severus, sneering, blood ran down her face, “You will pay for this, Severus. Do you hear me? You will pay.”
They apparated away with a bang, leaving a dented lamp post behind.
Xavier dropped the glass bottle, sagging against the wall in relief.
“Luxin via,” Severus muttered and light returned to street lamps. In the new light, he turned towards Xavier who was clutching his side.
“Xavier, are you ok?” Severus said, reaching the other man.
Xavier flinched involuntarily. Severus paused.
“Are you… scared of me?”
Xavier reached out for Severus’s hand, he intertwined their fingers, “After that? How could I be?”
Severus’s bottom lip trembled, he was glad of the half darkness, “Did they get you?”
“It's only a small wound.” Xavier lifted his hand and pulled up his shirt. Severus’s breath hitched at the red wound.
He came close, standing between Xavier’s legs and touched the wound gently with his wand.
“Sana velox.” Severus whispered and the wound closed itself together, leaving only a pink, tingly mark where it had been. He looked at Xavier who had wet eyes, “I was never going to hurt you; I didn’t know you were a squib.”
“If you did… would you have still gone out with me?”
Severus thought about it. The night they met at Nayname and the dangerous headspace he was in.
“No. I don’t think I would have.”
Xavier slumped against the wall. He retracted his hand from Severus’s grasp.
“But now that I know you,” Severus said, his voice embarrassingly thick with emotion. “I would choose you. Over and over again.”
He titled Xavier’s head up and kissed him, slow and steady, like he wanted to prove that he wasn’t going anywhere.
When he pulled back, Xavier caressed his jawline. The touch was like silk - Severus leaned into it.
“Did you… did you kill people like me?”
Severus wanted to lie, but those hazel eyes drew the truth from him.
“I did.”
Please, please don’t, screamed a womans voice.
A man cried for his life.
A squib, down on their knees, pleaded with him.
So many other voices cried out in equal tones of fear, desperation and horror.
“Do you remember them?”
Alexandra Dimosky.
Joseph Karlise.
Daksh Yadav.
Others. There was a long list of others. Names, faces and last words haunted Severus’s unconscious.
A tear streaked down Severus’s face, “Yes. I remember everything.”
He wanted to go back, to tell his past self that none of the deaths - none of the lives he took were worth it. That all of them were unnecessary casualties in a war that he shouldn’t’ve been a part of.
“I regret everything.” Severus said. Leaving Lily, turning away offers of help, killing, killing, killing. He looked at Xavier, “But not you.”
Xavier reached up and brushed a hand through Severus’s hair. Severus was a weak man - never had anyone touched him so carefully, so gently. He closed his eyes and a tear escaped.
Xavier’s lips met his. The kiss was slow and meaningful - Severus could feel himself forgiven for his secrecy.
“I will change. I’m trying.” Severus whispered into Xavier’s lips.
“I know.”