Softly, Softly
Severus woke up with Xavier in his bed. All he remembered from last night was kissing Xavier in a tipsy haze. At first unsure and then with as much passion, Xavier was kissing him back, like he was desperate and wounded too. The rest was a tangle of limbs and mouths. Sev couldn’t remember anything - he didn’t want to. All he knew was that for a glorious moment, Xavier made him forget and stop thinking about his pains.
The morning light filtered through the window. Severus watched Xavier stir next to him, unsure whether he had feelings attached to him just yet. He found he didn’t want Xavier for anything other than what he could do - in short, he didn’t feel for him. He didn’t care.
This wasn’t his first time using sex as a distraction. Severus remembered hooking up with various Slytherins during his fifth year, as an attempt to distract himself from the pain of loosing Lily’s friendship to James. All the girls he was with gave him no fullfilment. But it wasn’t the fact that he wasn’t actually into him - he was gay, but girls were easier to get then guys those days. They were just a time killer. He knew he was using them and that, yeah, technically that was immoral. But he knew they didn’t have feelings for him.
Xavier woke up, yawning. He looked at Severus, “What's the time?”
Severus was secretly glad that Xavier wasn’t the clingy kind, that he didn’t want to kiss or hug or anything like that. He knew.
“It's nine.” Severus replied. He moved and started putting his clothes back on, the same ones from last night. He could shower later, when Xavier was gone.
“You know…” Xavier began, “Last night, I was asking if you could show me around the town. Not around to your bed.”
Severus went red.
Xavier chuckled, pulling on his pants, “Don’t worry. You were good. But I’m still wondering, would you show me around?”
Severus was fully dressed now, he leant against his dresser. Xavier was already overstaying his welcome. Severus was surprised he hadn’t left already. “What?”
Xavier looked at him through his shaggy brown hair. He had a slight smile on his face.
“If I agree, will you get out of my house?”
Xavier laughed, striding towards Severus, “Funny.” Severus froze, his lips slightly parted. He thought Xavier was going to hug him, but he reached around him for the pen and paper on Severus’ desk. Xavier scribbled his phone number on the paper.
“Call me. Ok?” He pressed the paper into Severus’ hands and then, quickly, kissed him full on the lips and left.
Severus stood, stunned at Xavier’s confidence. But he shouldn’t’ve been surprised. They’d shared a night together. What was the harm in another hour?
Severus rocked up to his therapist’s office, sunglasses hiding his eyes, red from the hangover. He was here to cancel the rest of his appointments indefinitely. Ms Reynolds let him into the building. One of the other therapist’s office, that shared Ms Reynold’s office floor, had their door closed. An angry voice was heard through the cracks.
“I’m surprised to see you again, Severus.” Ms Reynolds said, she walked to the front desk, “I’m assuming its not for another appointment?”
“No. I’m here to cancel the rest of my appointments. I don’t need this. I’m fine.” Severus’ eyes flickered to the door where loud angry sounds were heard.
Ms Reynolds saw his eyes move towards the door, “Thats Mr Kindle’s client. Kindle specialises in anger management issues.”
Severus flinched at the sound of glass shattering.
Ms Reynold’s pursed her lips, “Sorry, Mr Snape, just ignore the noise, yeah?” She flipped through a notebook on her desk, “Are you sure you want to cancel the rest of your appointments? They could help you, you know.”
“I’m sure. Cancel them. Cancel all of them.”
The voice from inside the other room grew louder.
“Mr Jones - please, if you just-” came a voice.
“I DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!” The door banged open. A older man walked out, followed by a shorter man with glasses, “This- this bloody shrink business is FUCKING USELESS!”
“Mr Jones…”
“Stop calling me! I’m not coming back here!”
The man stalked towards the door. Severus made the mistake of making eye contact with him.
“What the fuck are you looking at, pansy?” the man glowered. His breath smelt of cigarettes.
Severus looked away.
“Thats what I fucking thought, fucking idiot.”
The man slammed the office door, his loud footsteps echoing down the stairs.
“I’m terribly sorry, Carly.” Mr Kindle said to Ms Reynolds, “Jones is… well he needs more help than I can give him. Excuse me, I’m going to make a few calls.” Mr Kindle retreated back to his room.
Severus was shaking. He clutched his hands to stop them from trembling so much. His heart was beating loud and fast, blood roaring in his ears. He needed to run- to get out of here. That man- his father- his father was going to walk through his bedroom door at any moment and hurt him. He- his father-
“Mr Snape?” Reynolds asked quietly, kneeling down next to him.
Severus hadn’t even realised he was on the floor, curled into a ball, his hands clamped over his head.
“Mr Snape, you’re having a panic attack.” Reynolds said calmly, “I need you to breathe with me, can you do that?”
No. No he couldn’t. Severus needed to get out of there. He needed to run - his father- his father-
“Breath with me, ok? Lets try this together.” Reynolds placed her hand on her chest to emphasise her breaths. Severus found himself doing the same, “Inhale.” He made a gasping sound, trying to get air into his lungs, “Exhale. Good. Inhale, exhale.”
Severus breathed alongside Reynolds for another minute. He could feel his heartbeat returning to normal. There was no longer a waterfall screaming in his ears. He looked to the door and he could hear the slamming again. He began to panic.
“He’s coming back.” Severus whispered, his voice quiet and small, very unlike himself. “Hes coming back.”
“Who? Who is coming back?”
“My- my father. He- hes going to- going to hurt me.” Severus’ voice was shaky. He believed that his father was searching for him. He needed to find a small space - get into his wardrobe and not come out- not for hours.
“Your father is not here. You told me yesterday that your father is deceased.” Ms Reynolds said calmly. “Can you tell me where you are right now?”
Severus looked around, Ms Reynolds was sat next to him. She wasn’t supposed to be in his bedroom - so maybe he wasn’t there at all.
“I’m- in your office. In- in the reception.”
“That's correct.” she said calmly, “You’re grown up now. Your father isn’t here, he can’t hurt you.”
Reynolds was right. Severus’s father wasn’t here. He can’t hurt me, because he's dead. He's dead because I killed him.
Severus was having a breather on the steps of the psychiatrist's building. He focused on what he could feel, hear and see - just as Ms Reynolds said. Severus didn’t end up cancelling his appointments, somehow, he could see what Dumbledore meant when he said Reynolds could help him.
Speaking of the devil, a man with a tall, blue pointed hat and flowing robes appeared at the street corner with a bang. Dumbledore straightened his robes and walked towards Severus.
“Ah, Severus, I was hoping I would find you here.”
Sev stood up abruptly, “Did she call you?”
“No, Severus, she did not.” Dumbledore looked past him to the otherside of the street where a young family was staring at Dumbledore with amazement. He simply smiled and waved. Turning to Sev he said, “I forget sometimes, that muggles are not used to this attire.” With a small flick of his hand, his robes turned into a dark blue coat with stripy and star patterned pants, “Much better. Now, where was I? Ah, yes. Yesterday I attended a court hearing for Igor Karkaroff where he provided a few - and quite inconsequential - names for the ministry.”
“What the hell does this have to do with me?”
“Your name came up in the hearing. People are still questioning your loyalty.” Dumbledore looked at him, “It is time we prove to them your good nature.” Sev scoffed, but Dumbledore continued, “Hogwarts is looking for a potions master. I know no one better than you.”
“Seriously?”
“Indeed.”
Severus looked at him. Dumbledore, like with everything, was confident and serious. Severus thought about it - the work, the kids, the school with all its memories.
“I… I don’t know.”
“Have a think about it. You may not be able to start this term - of course there shall be some work to do beforehand but teaching, teaching is one of life's greatest pleasures.” Dumbledore smiles, “Hogwarts was always your home, Severus. I am offering it to you again. Just think about it.”
He talked a little more about the search for Deatheaters in hiding and then left Severus to roam the streets. Severus didn’t want to return just yet. He wanted to be alone for a bit.
Teaching would be a good opportunity - not for the kids, Severus didn’t want to think about that just yet, but for the facility; Hogwarts. Hogwarts had an immense store of potion ingredients and the library was unmatched in the Wixen World. Severus might finally be able to experiment almost unlimitedly - he had always wanted to work on a potions book, more advanced and certainly much better than any of the other rubbish that was on the Hogwarts booklist. It was a really tempting offer.
After he had walked around he found himself thinking of what he wanted for his future. He had never paid it much mind before, there was no time to think about the future during the war. What did he want in his future?
Severus’s hand, in his pocket, enclosed around something. A slip of paper. Xavier’s number.
Who did he want in his future?
“Hey! I didn’t actually think you’d call.”
Severus looked to the direction of the voice. He had been waiting, leaning against the brick wall fencing the large park next to the mainstreet, waiting for Xavier. He didn’t think he was going to do anything with Xavier’s number - except maybe call him on a lonely night when he was drunk and needed someone. But here he was, about to give Xavier the tour of the town he had grown up in.
“I didn’t think I would either.” Severus said, trying to keep his voice from sounding rude or uninviting. Merlin, why did he call?
Xavier smiled a perfect smile at him, “Well, I’m glad you did in any case.”
Xavier had changed clothes - it wasn’t anything flashy or special but, Severus secretly thought he looked good. Why ? Why was he doing this to himself? Inviting Xavier was a spectacularly bad idea, especially when he was wearing that shirt-
“So? Where do we start?”
Severus looked around, “This is the mainstreet, I suppose. Nothing special, although if you’re looking for bread do not go to Oliver’s bakery - their sourdough is awful.”
Xavier chuckled, “Can you confirm from personal experience?”
“Unfortunately, yes.”
They walked through the bigger streets of Rynsco, past the old factories, the university, central park and the shopping centre. Severus was expecting Xavier to get bored, but the man was determined to have a good time, engaging Severus in conversation about Rynsco and other local affairs. Severus certainly wasn’t expecting to find a good conversation in such a good lay - that wasn’t to say that Sev thought him an airhead (albeit a rather good looking one), just… he was new. Different from everyone else Severus had held up acquaintances with.
After a few blocks, Severus realised where his feet were subconsciously taking him. He looked up, to his horror, a signpost read ‘Spinners End’. He stopped abruptly, the panic from the physiatrists office came back as a nagging anxiety in his stomach.
“Is something the matter?’ Xavier asked.
“No.” Severus said. He didn’t want his childhood home to affect him that much. It shouldn’t. It can’t. “No, I’m fine. Lets keep going, I know a park around here you’d like.”
Severus led Xavier down Spinners End, determined to get to the park with the giant oak without catching a glimpse of his home.
They came to the dodgy stone in the foot path, “Watch your step.” Severus said automatically.
“You seem to know this place well.” Xavier navigated around the stone.
“Yes. I do.” he wanted to leave it at that.
“Did you live around here?”
“Yes.” Stop answering him. Why do you always answer him? It was like Severus was under a spell, but he knew enough magic to know it wasn’t that.
“So which ones your house?”
“I- I can’t remember.” I don’t want to.
“What? You can’t remember your childhood home?”
Severus said nothing. He stopped unconsciously outside of the exact house he never wanted to see again in his life.
“Was this it?” Xavier looked at the decrepit old home, crumbling and faded weatherboard. “I suppose your parents aren’t in there - where did they move to?”
Severus said nothing. His hands were shaking again. His parents. His parents - his mother and father. His father.
He looked to the house, to the front door and could almost hear it slamming. He could hear him - his father. His father was coming. He wanted to hide - to run.
After all these years, after all he had done, he was still that scared little boy.
“Severus? Severus, are you alright?”
He whimpered and clutched at his ears, desperate to block out the yelling - why was he always so loud? Why was his father always so angry?
“Severus. Sev, look at me. Look to me.”
Gentle hands tilted his head up. Severus didn’t notice he had shrunk to the ground again - he also hadn’t noticed Xavier was right there with him.
“He's coming.” Severus said in a small voice. “He's coming for me.”
“There's no one here.”
Severus looked to the house. He couldn’t believe the words that Xavier was saying - his father was inside somewhere. He was going to find him and hurt him. For being wixen. For being a fag. For being stupid and weird and weak and–
“That house is empty. There's no one inside.” Xavier said. “Severus. I need you to look at me.”
Slowly, agonisingly, Severus tore his eyes away from the house and looked into Xavier’s hazel eyes. Xavier didn’t exist in his childhood. If Xavier was here - Severus couldn’t be in the past. He held onto that idea.
“Can you tell me three things you can see?”
That was simple. He could do that.
“You… the… the side walk and…” he looked up to the sky, “Clouds.”
“Yeah, good. What about three things you can touch?”
Severus’s arms were tight around himself, he could feel the soft fabric of his cloak and the silver ring on his right hand. He reached out and touched Xavier’s arm. Xavier took his hand gently. Severus couldn’t remember being handled with this much care.
“You’re okay, Sev. You’re okay.”