the 1
James passed by the old bus stop in his hometown. That’s where it all came flooding back. James thought he saw Regulus sitting on that bench, but he knew it couldn’t be him. Once he passed that bus stop, the memories of Regulus hit him like a ton of bricks. The hurt, the joy, the anger. Everything. James tried not to live in delusion, but it was hard afterward.
James has been doing well for himself. He married Lily in the spring a few years ago. And, around four months ago, James got the best news of his life: he was going to be a father! That’s when the visions of Regulus started. At first, they only happened once a week, but now they overwhelmed him. He just couldn’t help wondering, if one thing had been different, would everything be different?
If only James had been there with Regulus. Maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t have lost him, but you never know.
He did try to be there for Regulus. Losing him was not due to a lack of effort. Regulus just wouldn’t let him.
Regulus was an orderly person, something James was not. Regulus always painted by the numbers and drew inside the lines; James did not. Regulus was an independent person; James never left well enough alone. Nonetheless, they made each minute together count. They wouldn’t have worked out even if they loved each other more. After all, if Regulus wanted James as he said he did, he would’ve shown up. But time and time again, he couldn’t, or wouldn’t, show up for James. James needed someone to be there for him 24/7; Lily did that for him.
But it would’ve been fun. It would’ve been sweet if James and Regulus worked out. They had so much fun running down halls together, sneaking make-out sessions behind Sirius’ back, and just being together.
They were really something. Don’t you think so?
James’ fondest memories of Regulus are their walks to town from their old school. They would always stop at the fountain in the center, throw pennies, and make wishes. James always wished for the same thing.
In some ways, James’ wishes did come true. He’s living a happy life with a wonderful family. But if his wishes fully came true, it would have been Regulus. Regulus would be the one he shared a bed with. Regulus would be the one picking out baby names with him. Regulus would be the one who went on walks with him past the old bus stop.
Even though he knows Regulus is gone, James has these dreams of Regulus meeting someone new on the internet, taking him out for dinner, and loving him in a way he could never love James. He deserved pure, unbridled happiness too. Plus, thinking Regulus was out in the world, loving someone else was much better than thinking about what actually happened to him.
It wasn’t purely Regulus’ fault the relationship fell apart. As much as Regulus was closed off, he had his moments of openness. Most of the time, those moments came when they were fighting.
James recalls one terribly bad fight. He cried for three days straight afterward. Regulus was feeling insecure, rightfully so, about James’ relationship with Lily. He expressed these feelings of insecurity to James. Stupidly, James brushed those feelings off like they meant nothing. Of course, to James, they did mean nothing; he passionately loved Regulus and gave him every ounce of love in his body. To Regulus, those feelings meant everything.
James regrets every syllable that came out of his mouth during that fight. He knew he was wrong too. During that fight, he knew he had some feelings for Lily. He just hadn’t fathomed them at that point. Actually, he continuously denied them. He loved Regulus, only Regulus. There was no way he had any love left in his heart for Lily…right?
Of course, now, James knew Regulus was right; he did love Lily. She was the one for him. He couldn’t help but love her.
James had too much love in his heart to give. Regulus always said that was one of his prominent faults. Secretly, he loved it. Regulus grew up in a house that didn’t teach him what love was. James had to teach him and Sirius what love was.
He and Regulus brushed off all fights quickly. Too quickly. James always smiled and said, “If you never bleed, you’re never gonna grow.” Regulus usually smiled back. They just wanted to keep their relationship perfect. Even if they had to act like nothing was wrong.
Throughout their relationship, both James and Regulus knew they weren’t infinite. They just didn’t want to believe it. They didn’t fit as they should’ve.
James and Lily were two matching puzzle pieces. Together, they formed a beautiful picture, a perfect picture. James and Regulus were more like intertwined fingers. They had different colors, fingerprints, and most importantly, they weren’t a matching pair. They were a pair of hands that held each other for a while, grew tired, then let go.
They were never going to last. Even the greatest loves of all time are over now. James and Regulus didn’t think they were above that. All they could do was be thankful that they were spending time together. After all, some of the greatest films of all time were never made.
James was incredibly thankful for Regulus. Some part of his heart will forever belong to Regulus. Just passing that bus stop made him think, it would’ve been fun if you would’ve been the one.