folklore

Lily was fifteen when she started to notice her feelings for James. Of course, she didn’t want to admit them. James was an idiot. Nonetheless, Lily still liked him. 

James’ love for Lily was known to the whole school. There wasn’t a second where Lily’s name was not in his mouth. In fact, in 5th year, Sirius banned James from saying her name for a whole week because he was so tired of hearing it.

James made Lily feel wanted. No one had ever made her feel wanted, maybe Mary and Marlene, but definitely not Severus. James was nothing like him, but at the same time, they were all too similar. 

For instance, Severus broke her heart, and so did James. 

—

For the entirety of 7th year, James and Lily were all over each other. In astronomy, James’ favorite class, Lily and James would always share a telescope so they could lay next to each other under the moonlight. In any other class, sitting with James would have cost her an outstanding, but in astronomy, James actually helped her. 

James knew his stars very well. 

On nights when the Leo constellation was visible, Lily and James would make sure to pick the telescope next to Sirius and Remus. After they finished their work, Lily and Remus would fight over how far away Sirius’ star was from the moon; James and Sirius would sit and watch. Sirius would then ask Remus how far Regulus’ star was from his. Lily occasionally helped. 

One night, James and Sirius insisted on sneaking into the Forbidden Forest. Against Remus and Lily’s wishes, the four of them traveled out into the woods.  

While they searched for open ground to look at the moon and the stars, Lily cut her arm on a nearby branch. The cut was fairly deep, enough to have scarred her arm. 

Lily hated that scar. It reminded her of how stupid and careless she had been that night. How she had “ruined the boys’ fun.” Of course, James, Sirius, and Remus didn’t care, but Lily did. 

One night, after the cut had scarred, Lily admitted to feeling self-conscious about the scar to James. She expected him to brush it off and tell her she was beautiful. And obviously, he did,— Lily knew James like the back of her hand— but he also did something unexpected. James kissed the skin around Lily’s scar four times. Then, he took the tip of his finger, dipped it in the tiniest bit of ink, and drew four small stars in the same places he kissed. It felt like his kisses were tattooed on Lily forever. 

That was the night Lily gave her heart up to James. It was also the night James gave half his heart to Lily. 

Or maybe it wasn’t even half. Lily was unsure now. Apparently, Lily didn’t know James as well as she thought. 

Lily thought she and James would be together till they lay six feet in the ground. 

Lily didn’t know James could hurt her. She didn’t know he could break her heart as quickly as he did. 

—

James had spent almost the entire summer with Regulus. 

Well, James had spent the whole summer with Regulus, Sirius, Remus, and Peter. 

Lily hadn’t expected anything to happen. Actually, Lily had encouraged Regulus to stay with James. She had heard all about the wrath of Walburga Black from Sirius and couldn’t handle the thought of Regulus being alone in that godforsaken house.

Unfortunately, something did happen, and now, the thought of James and Regulus being in the same house all summer made Lily want to cry her eyes out till she could forget what she began crying about. 

She could just imagine James replacing Lily with Regulus.

Dancing with Regulus in the refrigerator light. Glancing at Regulus while in conversation with Sirius. Smirking at Regulus from across the table. Letting Regulus trace circles down his spine. Watching Regulus gawk at his bare back beneath the sun.

Lily thought their type of love only came once in twenty lifetimes. Knowing that James and Lily’s two-year relationship could be replicated within one summer made Lily want to crumple herself up like an old cardigan under someone’s bed. 

James made Lily feel stupid for loving him. For spending every minute with him till the end of 7th year. For sneaking out to Hogsmeade after dark and dancing under the streetlights. For kissing him on each cheek over and over till the smile was permanently stuck on his face. For stealing his Levi’s and pairing them with her vintage tee and favorite cardigan. For wearing black lipstick to his parties. For kissing in cars and downtown bars. For chasing shadows in the grocery line. For letting his hand wander under her sweater. For watching Peter Pan, his favorite movie, till he’d fall asleep on her lap. For being young and naive. 

People always assumed Lily knew nothing because she was young. But that wasn’t true. Lily knew James. She knew he’d mark her like a bloodstain. She knew his tattooed kisses would linger by the skin of her scar.

After Regulus, Lily wasn’t sure she knew anything about James anymore, but as she had been about everything in the past couple of weeks, Lily was wrong.

Lily knew James would haunt all of her “what-if” questions. She knew she’d curse him for the longest time. She knew she’d stay here crumpled up on the floor for at least a couple more hours.

—

James had confessed to Lily only a few days ago. It was quick but nowhere near painless. 

When he knocked on the door of her new shared apartment with Mary, Lily had been overly excited, awaiting his arrival all day.  

When she opened the door to find tears running down his face, Lily prepared her shoulder for him to cry on. 

When he asked her to sit down, Lily found herself completely unprepared. 

James told her everything, struggling through his tears. She believed every sentence, except one.

He said that he regretted every second of it. “It was only summer love.” Lily couldn’t find a part of her that believed that. If James truly regretted it, he wouldn’t have even thought about it.

“Leave.” The only word that Lily could manage to find available. 

And he did. James left without a word. He didn’t even try to fight her. 

It felt wrong. Like Peter losing Wendy.

Lily didn’t want to compare James to her father but she couldn’t help it. In that moment, he was exactly like her father, cheating, confessing, leaving, and running like water. Men should be taught better: chase two lovers, lose the one. 

Once she heard the door close, Lily fell to the floor and curled up, exactly like she is now. 

James’ confession played through her brain again and again. It felt fresh in her brain like a new cut, profusely bleeding. It was draining the life from her, the color from her body. The blood was covering her, staining the carpet, the walls, and the dress she was wearing that she bought a few days ago for James’ return. The pain made her cry. Then she thought about Regulus, and his pain made her cry more. Then she thought about her mother’s pain, making her cry for another three hours. How could James, the same James who cherished Lily’s scars, have made a cut this deep?

Luckily, Lily was strong. She healed quickly. When the cut had become a scab, she allowed herself to think about James again. 

Unfortunately, the wound was a scab, not a scar, so the memories of James had opened it and caused Lily to start bleeding again. The love letters sent by owl; the picnics on the lawn; the pranks she had advised against but secretly loved had now turned into sympathy messages from Sirius, Remus, Peter, and Marlene; dinner in her bed; and Mary’s attempts to make her smile. 

Thinking of James again is how Lily found herself laying on the floor, mirroring herself from two weeks ago. 

The only thing providing her comfort was that she knew James was crying too, mourning. Because Lily still knew James. She knew she’d marked and stained James just the same. She knew her kisses down his back had tattooed him as well. She knew he’d miss her once the thrill expired. She knew he’d try to change their ending. Lily knew James would come back to her.

She knew James would come back because like her favorite old cardigan she left under James’ bed, he’d put her right back on again and tell her she’s his favorite.