You Could Be My Baby

Remus was just coming up from the basement when his phone rang. He frowned at the ‘no caller ID’ displayed across the top of his screen and waved to Mary, pointing at it before ducking outside. “Hello?”

“Hello, Remus.” That voice. Remus hasn’t heard that voice in over a year, now. That rich, strong, syrupy voice that used to simultaneously promise him the world and deny him it. His knees gave out completely. Trembling, he knelt on the pavement and threw up once, twice, three times before nausea clawing its way through his body and suffocating him began to subside. He hung his head, wrapping his arms around his torso. His whole body was shaking, the way it had when he’d found Gran.

The cold air cooled his burning skin and his knees ached from the unforgiving pavement beneath them but Remus had lost touch with all of his senses. As he knelt there, surrounded by his rejected breakfast, his mind was pulled into a swirling vortex of his worst- and perhaps most upsettingly, some of his best- memories of those long, confusing, painful and elating months spent as the boyfriend of one Fenrir Greyback. As it always did when he thought about Fenrir, one hand drifted to his chest and rubbed, hard, feeling the rough topography of his skin, the mountain ranges formed by thick scar tissue, the valleys made where the cuts went too deep. Remus couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t see. He couldn’t think.

Fenrir’s face filled his mind, the way his white teeth gleamed when he smiled, the way his eyes changed when he drank, the way his fist felt when it connected with Remus’ ribs, the way his tongue felt when it licked up the blood that leaked from Remus’ nose after his face had been smashed into the doorway of Fenrir’s posh top storey flat.

“Remus?” Mary.

“Oh my fucking god, Remus, what happened? Shit, shit shit shit…..” gentle hands eased his shoulders back, pulling him upright. “You’re okay, it’s okay. You’re okay.” Deft fingers pulled his fringe away from his clammy forehead. Something wiped around his nose, and mouth. “What do I do with you, hmm? Do you want to go home?” Remus tried to nod. He couldn’t speak- knew the minute he opened his mouth the sobs would start and they wouldn’t end and he would not waste any more of his life crying over Fenrir fucking Greyback, so he bit his lip, kept his eyes closed.

“I don’t know if mine is any closer than yours- shit. Okay, okay I have an idea.” The whole time, Mary kept rubbing his back, his shoulders, his neck. It was overstimulating and overwhelming but he didn’t feel so alone, so he relaxed into the touch, breathed through the age-old instinct to pull away. “Marlene? Hey, I have a favour to ask- bit of an emergency…..” Mary was on the phone. Remus didn’t know to whom. He didn’t care. As his initial panic subsided in the presence of company, he became more aware of his body. He knees were wet and he realised that was likely his own sick. His heels were digging into his arse and his t shirt was stuck to his back with sweat. He was freezing- shivering, having spent now upwards of fifteen minutes outside in early spring with no jumper on. His muscles still felt shaky, his stomach ached. His throat was sore. His hands were balled into fists and he could feel the sharp pain where his nails had pierced the skin.

“Remus, can you stand for me? Can you do that? Come on, sweetheart.” Mary’s hands slipped from his shoulders to under his armpits, her fingers digging in uncomfortably as she tried to haul him to his feet. It was no easy task, given he had a whole foot on her and his knees were intent on not working, but eventually he was right side up, draped over her as she walked them quickly to a car Remus hadn’t even heard pull up, that was idling on the corner. The driver was a blond woman who offered him a kind smile as Mary yanked the door open and sort of shoved him in, whacking his head down last minute so he didn’t hit it on the car door frame.

Then Mary was climbing in after him and holding one of his clammy hands in her equally clammy ones and she was saying something to the driver, but Remus couldn’t decipher what they were saying. “M sorry, got vom in your car.” He managed to slur out, too out of it to feel embarrassed about his vomity knees.

“That’s no worries, pet, we’re getting you home, alright?” The driver’s voice was a Yorkshire Broad, thick and comforting like a blanket. Remus focused on trying to slow his heart rate. Nothing was working. Fenrir’s awful voice was rolling around his brain. Shit.

“Phone?” He asked Mary, trying to look at her but the movement made the shakes come back and he ended up listing to the side, dropping his head to her shoulder. “I’ve got it. It’s been ringing bare. Do you need to talk to whoever it is? There’s no contact name.”

“Don’t answer.” Remus shouted much too loud in the small car. He felt Mary jump. “Okay, okay. Turning it off.” Mary, ever the good sport, just switched his phone all the way off, and he noticed it too was flecked with vomit, and she was holding it in her bare hands like it was no big deal. He didn’t deserve friends this good. “Don’t be stupid, Remus.” Mary scolded, and he realised he had said the last bit out loud.

“Here, pet.” Came the driver, and then Mary was letting go of his hand and then reaching in to pull him out of the car. Then he was staggering up the steps to his house and Mary’s hand was fishing in his pockets for his house keys, and then he was being gently herded into his house. “Right, stay here.” Mary propped Remus against the wall in the entryway and raced up the stairs, poking her head into the bathroom and- And Grans room. She was the first person in this house to open that door since he moved in. Luckily, she shut it behind her, but it was like a spell had been broken. Final proof that Gran was never coming back. Remus threw up again, found himself on the floor again, shaking again.

“Oh fuck, fuck, fuck.” Mary’s cursing sounded like it was coming from underwater, and then Remus was behind hefted up again and dragged up more stairs. “On the chair first.” Remus collapsed into his desk chair at Mary’s instructions, and she was kneeling in front of him, untying his laces and pulling his shoes off, then his socks.

“I’m sorry Rem, but you’re filthy.” She said, her hands gently and slowly undoing his flies and she gently eased his trousers down his hips, shuffling them down from under his bum and then pulling them off. Then she was easing his shirt off. She used it to wipe his mouth then dropped it on the floor. He heard a sharp gasp and realised that she was the first person other than Gran to see his bare chest since it got marred. No one- not his hookups, not the few friends he had had in Aberdeen, not Sirius- had ever seen his chest like this, thick, ridged scars and deep ones that etched ridges and valleys into his chest that ran from just below his right shoulder down to his left hip. Some where red and angry and some where golden scar tissue, pale and thinner. They were limpy and uneven and Remus closed his eyes to avoid seeing Mary’s face as she reacted to them.

She said nothing, hefting him up again and staggering across the room with him, before unloading him onto his bed. The scars ached and in his minds eye Remus can see Fenrir reach for the bottle, smashing it against the marble counter top and advancing on Remus, brandishing it like a sword. Remus can feel the spectral sensations of the jagged glass digging in at his shoulder and being dragged down his torso. He can feel the way the flood felt as it poured down his chest, dripping down his legs, staining the floor; his trousers. He can see the rage drain from Fenrir, replaced by cold hard fear as Remus falls to the floor and cannot get up again. Remus reaches for Mary but she isn’t there. He opens his eyes, unaware how tightly closed they were, and looks around the room, vision blurred by unshed tears and undiluted panic. He is alone. He starts to cry.

*

“Right, i did my best to clean the sick from the bottom of the stairs but I- Remus? Remus, are you okay? Fuck.” Mary rushed into the room, immediately laying her hands over Remus’ and pulling them away from where they were covering his eyes. “Hey, hey don’t cry, it’s okay, you’re okay.” Her hands left his for a second, and there was fumbling and some thuds and then she was sliding into the bed next to him, yanking her hoodie off to reveal an oversized t shirt and wrapping her arms around his bare shoulders. A hand wraps around the back of his head and tucks his face into her neck. The fabric of her t shirt is soft beneath his cheeks and it smells of her- a comforting blend of Shea butter and leave-in conditioner. Remus gripped onto her, too fragile to care about the level of vulnerability he was showing. Safe in the circle of her arms, he let himself feel.

*

Remus came back to himself in stages. He woke up with no recollection of having fallen asleep, aware first of the sound of voices, then of the light of his room. He remembered Mary, but the bed beside him was empty, though her smell still lingered. His whole body ached, and he felt a hunger so deep it seemed to be in his bones. He could barely open his eyes, the skin around them so swollen from his crying, and his whole body generally felt wrong. He sat up, clutching the duvet to his neck. Mary may have seen his chest once, but he wasnt about to let her see it ever again. He strained his ears, trying to overhear who she was talking to.

“Mary, please let me see him.” It was Sirius. He sounded- panicked, frantic.

“Sirius, I’m sorry, he’s not up for visitors right now.”

“Mary I’m his boyfriend! You can’t keep me from him!” Remus flinched at the shouting. He didn’t like shouting.

“I can do whatever I like, thank you very much.” Remus could hear anger in Mary’s voice. Being defended with such ferocity was a novel experience. It made that little spark inside his chest glow brightly. “Look,” Mary’s voice was softer, gentler. “If he’s awake, I’ll ask him what he wants, okay? But if he’s asleep then I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to wait downstairs until he wakes up- I know you want to see him, but I don’t know that he wants to be seen right now, okay? So whilst I go in and ask, you are going to go downstairs, make a cup of tea and calm down, because if he does want to see you, you need to be in your right mind for it, okay?”

There was a silence and then- “Okay. Tea. Okay.” There were thundering footsteps, and then Mary was slipping back inside the room.

“You’re awake, thank god. Sirius is downstairs, thought he might try and fight me to get to you for a second there. It’s good, that he cares that much, but I wasn’t sure you’d want to be seen, right now.” She spoke slowly, carefully, watching for his reaction. He nodded slowly.

“Thank you.”

“I’ve got you, Remus.” And she did. Every time he had ever needed a friend, she had pulled through. Gone above and beyond for him.

*

“Alright, Sirius?” Remus watched as Sirius jumped a little in his seat at the table. He tried to smile at his boyfriend, but only managed a weak baring of his teeth. Mary was behind him, a warm hand on the small of his back, leaking warmth through the t-shirt he had pulled on before going downstairs. “Remus,” Sirius went as if to stand up, then thought better of it and stayed sitting down. Remus felt it in his chest. It felt like- rejection, maybe. He wanted a hug. He wanted a hug from Sirius, specifically. Instead, he sat down next to his boyfriend, red-hot relief flooding through him when Sirius reached out and tangled their fingers together, squeezing once.

“Mary, do you have my phone?” Remus asked, wishing he could go back to a few hours ago, when he didn’t know that Fenrir had his number still. “Here.” Mary said, switching it back on and placing it down on the table. “What the fuck…” Sirius breathed as the phone started buzzing so hard it was twitching off the table with all the incoming notifications. “Fifty seven missed calls in three hours. Remus?” Sirius sounded suspicious, and confused, and Remus knew he was about to face the ordeal of explaining Fenrir to the two closest people currently in his life, and he desperately wished he didn’t have to.

“Right. I appreciate that there’s a lot that you two don’t know about me, and thats because its not all very pretty,” he began, gnawing at the skin around his nails as he considered how he wanted to explain it. “I had a boyfriend, when I was what, twenty two? Maybe? Twenty one when we met? He was much, much older than me. In his thirties.” Remus took a calming breath and tried to ignore the hurt looks Sirius was shooting his way. Mary reached out and took his other hand, her thumb rubbing his knuckles soothingly.

“Right. His name was Fenrir, and he was rich. I was working in a local bookshop, just the oxfam one, and he used to come in all the time. He was… charming, I guess. Complimentary, good looking. I was so insecure in myself, in my sexuality, I had just graduated and started my masters and I was trying to stay on the straight and narrow- no more run-ins with police, no more drugs or anything, and he was representative of that, you know? He had this big office job and he had a posh flat and he wore posh clothes and you know- I was a care kid living in poverty with no one in the world but my gran and about thirty pound to my name on a good day. I was so shocked that anyone like him would show interest in me, so I fell for his whole façade.” Remus took a breath. His hands were trembling, and he could see Sirius and Mary shooting each other concerned looks across the table.

“Take your time.” Sirius encouraged softly, lifting Remus’ hand and kissing the back of it gently. Remus could have melted.

“Right, well. It was all sunshine and daisies and posh dates and expensive presents and I didn’t see any of the warning signs. He never took no for an answer, to start with. He hated me hanging out with my mates, and I let it slide because all my mates were care kids and all we did was cause trouble. And then it was how I dressed, and I didn’t mind because I just wore what was in the charity shops, so I didn’t much like it either. But we rowed, a lot. Arguments about my past and our future and he would just get so angry.” Remus brow furrowed as he lost himself in the memory, images of spit flying from Fenrir’s mouth as he screamed at Remus about his arrests, or the fact that he’d gone to the estate to see the kids he had grown up with.

“And It just got worse. Slowly, though. Slow enough that I could always rationalise what happened next. First it was that he’d shove me, when we fought. Not enough to knock me over, but enough for me to know he could. I still remember the first time he hit me.” Sirius gasped, and Remus couldn’t look at him, couldn’t look anywhere but the stained table top as he continued.

“I’d done- something, I can’t remember what- and he’d been out with friends, drinking. It was the first time I’d seen him like that. He had this rage that he’d descend into, slipping it on like a coat. His eyes would go glassy and his mouth would turn down at the corners and it was like he turned into a different person. And every time he hurt me he was so apologetic afterwards. He’d buy me posh new clothes if mine got bloodstained during a fight, and he’d hold me, and compliment me, and convince me that if I just tried a little harder to do what he told me to, he wouldn’t need to discipline me.” Remus laughed, an empty, hollow sound.

“And you know the funniest thing? I believed him. I had no role models for a healthy relationship. My parents were dead drug addicts. My Grandad had died decades before I was born. I was hit all the time growing up in care. No one ever told me it wasn’t normal.”

“Oh, Remus.” Mary’s voice was thick with tears. Sirius’ grip on his hand tightened.

“Then one day, he’d been at a friend’s football game, or something. He came back so drunk, and I was at home with Gran. he had clearly assumed I’d be there, in his flat, waiting for him like a housewife, because he called me, raging when he got home. And I knew he’d come to me if I didn’t go to him and I wasn’t letting him anywhere near Gran, so I went.” Remus took a few deep breaths, willing the tears at bay, at least until he finished. “I went, and he was- god, he was in a right foul mood. He was drinking red wine straight from the bottle. Started shouting at me, a step by step run down of all my flaws. Everything he hated about me. And I just couldn’t take it anymore. I snapped. Started shouting back, some rotten bullshit about him always trying to change me, not really appreciating who I was.” Remus closed his eyes, the memory threatening to overwhelm him again.

“Big mistake. I should have just run. He smashed the bottom of the wine bottle off the edge of his countertop, and came at me with it. Got me here-” Remus pulled his hand from Mary’s grip and tapped just under his right shoulder, where the scars began. “And yanked the bottle down to here.” He patted the spot above his left hip bone. “One shard broke off and flew up to my face, and that’s why I have the scar across my nose.”

“That was the most he had ever hurt me. I fell down and couldn’t get myself back up again. He just stood there and stared at me, holding the bottle, which was then dripping in my blood. He was splattered with it. Then he just,” Remus’ breath caught. Tears finally escaped. “He just turned around. Completely silent. Got in the shower. It took me fifteen minutes before I was able to stand, and then I fled. That was the last I ever saw him.”

Remus could hear crying but he couldn’t look up, couldn’t see who it was coming from. It would cause his own dam to break. “I’m assuming he knew that I had irrefutable proof of what he was like- I finally had the upper hand, so he never came to seek me out. I got a new job, everything. Blocked his number. Didn’t get a new one though, which was stupid of me.” Remus jerked his chin towards the phone. “He called me today, and hearing his voice just broke me. I don’t know what happened. I’ve never felt like that before. It was like how I felt when I found Gran.”

“You found her?” Sirius sounded broken. Shit. Remus hadn’t meant to tell them that. That was going to be something he carried to the grave with him- between only him and the ambulance personnel that had been there at the time, that he had gone in to wake her up for breakfast, and found only her earthly body left behind.

Suddenly, it was all too much. “I have to- I’m going to- sorry.” Remus stood up and fled, locking himself in the bathroom and sitting on the floor of the shower, just dry from that morning, knees pulled into his chest. He always liked being in the bathroom when he felt like this. The bathroom was always the only lockable room in the care home, so it always represented safety, and control. No one could get to him when he was in there, even if he’d have to face dire consequences when he left.

*

“Hey, Remus.” Sirius knocked on the door of the bathroom. Remus wasn’t sure how long he’d been in there. “Mary wanted me to let you know she was going to go back to the pub in a bit, maybe sort out getting you some days off, make up an excuse for the both of you leaving earlier. Do you want to say goodbye?” Remus nodded before realising Sirius couldn’t see him. He got to his feet, knees stiff and aching. He opened the door to see Sirius standing right outside, eyes red rimmed and lips bitten bloody. Remus silently opened his arms and Sirius pressed his whole body against Remus’, wrapping his arms securely around Remus’ middle, his face tucking into Remus’ neck. Remus held back just as tightly. He never failed to be surprised by the sense of peace that settled over him whenever Sirius was in his arms.

Mary was waiting by the door, and flung herself at him when he reached the bottom of the stairs. She squeezed tightly, her head only reaching his sternum, and he bent his body in half so he could lay his cheek atop her hair, breathing in her scent, trying to convey all his gratitude, all his love for her through touch. They held on for way too long, but he still felt bereft when she pulled away.

“Right. I'm going to go back to the pub and tell them you have food poisoning and that you won’t be in until Wednesday at least. It’s what, Saturday? Today? So that gives you a few days to relax. I’m telling you now, I am going to come and see you every single morning, so I expect breakfast.” She grinned at him, before darting in for another hug. “I love you, Remus. More than words.”

“I love you too, Mary.” He wasn’t sure he’d said those words to anyone but her since Gran. It felt good, to have someone deserving of them in his life again. Mary pulled a surprised looking Sirius into a bear hug too, causing that angelic blush to decorate his cheeks a lovely pink, and he tentatively lifted his hands to pat awkwardly at her back. “Look after each other, okay?” She called through the door as she left.

“Right. Let me know if this isn’t what you need, but it could be good. I think it could be good- we’re having a little film night tonight. We do it like once a month, takeaway of Harry’s choosing, two or three shitty Disney musicals, comfy pyjamas, the works. I know Harry would love to see you, and I can’t miss it but we’d love the company?” Remus didn’t even have to think about it.

“Aye, alright.”

*

“Moony!” Harry screeched, barrelling down the corridor when Sirius opened the door. Sirius caught him easily, stooping down and grabbing him around the middle with one arm. “What about me, you rascal?” Sirius asked, faking upset. Harry looked sheepish and called “dadfoot!” In a much less enthusiastic voice. Sirius gave the boy a big hug and a kiss, settling him on his hip properly, even though he was much too big for it now.

“Right, prongslet. Remus has come round to watch films with us, okay? But he’s not feeling very well. And you know how rotten it is when you’re sick, so that means a quiet film night with lots of cuddles for him, okay?” Remus thought he might love him. Really, really love him. It didn’t even surprise him, or scare him as much as he thought it might. Harry nodded enthusiastically, kicking his feet in an effort to get down, so Sirius put him back on the floor and Harry careened over to Remus, wrapping his arms around his legs with heartbreaking gentleness, kissing his pyjama clad knee before looking up at Remus with big green eyes.

“Being sick is the worstest, Moony. But it’s okay! Dadfoot always makes me feel better so he’ll make you feel better.”

“Aye, I’m sure he will.” Remus responded, giving Harry his hand to hold and walking them both into the living room, before settling down on the sofa. To his surprise, Harry crawled right into his lap and curled up in the space between Remus’ thighs and his chin, his back pressed warmly up against Remus’ front. Remus wrapped his arms around the boy and wondered if any son he ever had could measure up to the one tucked against him right now. He wasn’t sure they would. He wasn’t sure he wanted a son, really, if he got to have Harry.

*

“Our people will need a chief, and there you are.” Harry sang quietly, still curled up against Remus. Moana was their second film, after Ratatouille, and Harry and Sirius both knew all the words to all the songs. Reg had watched the first film but left at the first indication of a musical, but Sirius seemed happy that he’d joined in at all. It was sappy and sentimental, but he was tired and fragile, so Remus allowed himself to indulge in the thought that he could quite happily do this once a month, every month, for the rest of his natural born life. He removed one hand from around Harry’s body and slid it across the sofa, grasping Sirius’ fingers. Sirius shot him a look and a smile, which Remus returned steadily. The credits for Moana rolled and Harry was fast asleep against Remus, thumb securely in his mouth.

“Right, bed for him. Wanna stay here and pick another film for the two of us?”

“Aye, alright. Anything?”

“Something lighthearted. Been a bit of a day, hasn’t it?” Sirius responded, gently easing Harry into his arms and carrying him out of the room. Remus scrolled for a while, before settling on one of his favourites.

“This history boys?” Sirius asked as he came back in, curling up next to Remus, now Harry wasn’t in the way anymore. “Have you not seen it? It’s my favourite. Bit problematic, mind, but you know, I watched it before I ever really understood and its wedged itself in my heart. Always my go-to after a difficult day.”

“Alright then, let's go.” Sirius yawned, shuffling even closer to Remus, before picking Remus’ arm up and draping it over him.

*

“Bed time, come on.” Remus woke to being gently shaken, Sirius’ face looming above him in the dark. “Come on, my lovely boy. Lets get you off the sofa.” Sirius gave Remus a hand and Remus pushed himself off the sofa, and the two of them made their way slowly upstairs to Sirius’ bedroom. As they entered, Remus made a decision that even three months ago he wasn’t sure he’d ever make.

“Sirius,” he began, sitting on the edge of the bed, toying with the hem of his t-shirt. “Yes, love?” Sirius responded absentmindedly, standing in front of the small mirror that hung on his wall and pulling his hair up into a bun. The pet name warmed Remus from the inside out, and strengthened his resolve.

“What I told you about, earlier. With Fenrir, and the bottle.” he spoke haltingly, hating the way Sirius had frozen. “There are still things you don’t know- things I’m working my way up to telling you, but I don’t want there to be any more secrets with this anymore, okay?” Before Sirius could say anything, or even turn around, Remus had squeezed his eyes shut and yanked his t-shirt off.

“This is how it looks now. I know it isn’t- I know it makes me ugly, and I’m sorry I can’t be as pretty as you, but these scars won’t ever fade.” Sirius remained frozen, like someone had pressed pause, mouth open, as he looked at Remus’ reflection in the mirror. Remus itched to put the t-shirt back on, to curl in, to wrap his arms around his stomach and try and hide, but he forced himself to sit upright, to remain strong. Shaking himself, Sirius turned and rushed over to Remus, taking his face in his hands.

“Remus. My love, my sweet, sweet boy. Nothing about you is ever or could ever be ugly. These scars are awful because of what happened, not because of how they make you look.” Sirius pressed a frantic, forceful kiss to Remus’ forehead, then his nose, and cheeks, and finally his lips. He kissed Remus long and hard, holding his face tightly between his pale palms.

“You are the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. You are the most beautiful man alive. You are everything to me. Don’t ever say you’re ugly.” Sirius then tugged Remus forward so Remus’ face was smushed against Sirius’ chest. He said Remus’ name, over and over again like a prayer, and the two of them stayed like that, illuminated by only the lamplight, Remus’ name a steady stream of invocations between them. Eventually Sirius let go, and when Remus went to pull his t-shirt back on, Sirius stilled his hands, taking the t-shirt and laying it on the desk before pulling off his own, so they were both shirtless. He then took Remus by the hand and got them both into bed, tucked properly under the covers, face to face.

“I’m glad you think I’m beautiful.” Remus whispered into the darkness between their faces. He couldn’t see Sirius’ expression very well.

“You’re acting like I’m the first person to ever tell you that.” Sirius scoffed, one hand coming to rest on Remus’ bare waist, fingers gently stroking the warm skin there. Remus remained silent, not wishing to speak out loud that- other than Gran, of course- Sirius is the first person to ever tell Remus that he is beautiful. His silence was clearly loud enough.

“Oh, Remus.” Sirius sounded so sad, and Remus didn’t know how to fix it without denying the truth of his past. “I am going to tell you so often you will forget there was ever a time where you doubted your beauty.”