somebody else

When they get back from the bar, Marlene and Sirius lie, side by side, in their new bed. Their bed. Marlene thinks, and something restricts in her chest at the thought. She feels like she might be sick. She knows in her heart that she has never really wanted a man, at least not in the way that she wants mary. Has wanted mary. Will always want Mary, even a little bit. She doesn’t know how to act anymore. She can drop the façade of being straight now. Follow in Mary's footsteps and be confident and happy and free. But what would be the point of breaking up with Sirius and messing up their balance for someone who doesn’t love her back? The only thing they shared was Marlene's first kiss, while she was drunk, on her sixteenth birthday, before Mary had started to violently throw herself into a relationship with a boy whose name she refuses to remember. She stares at the ceiling, listening to the rhythm of sirius’ breathing, and wonders if she can live without him. She loves him; she loves him in the strongest sense of the word. She loves Mary the same amount, if not in the same manner. She loves Sirius with a platonic ferocity that she thought was impossible. She knows this is due to her religious upbringing. She gives all credit to her father, who made sure she knew that boys could only ever want something from her that she should never give up unless she was betrothed to them. Who raised her scared of her classmates, thinking they would never want to know inside her head before they wanted to be inside her. She is thankful, at least, to have had an excuse to avoid boys in her teenage years. There was no need to explain to her father that she was avoiding boys not because she was scared of them, but because she didn’t want them.

The minute marlene started sixth form, she thought she could finally break out of her shell. She didn’t want to be a bible girl anymore. She wanted to prove to everyone that she could be hot, she could be sexy and she sure as shit could be fuckable.

Ben, the boy who she slept with for the first time, was lovely. He was lovely, and nice, and he even called the next day to tell her that she had been lovely, and nice, and marlene didn’t feel anything at all. She was scared of what she was, after that, knew that it was something wrong. It wasn’t wrong for anyone else, this she was sure of. She had no hate for her friends who had come out to her in the darkness of their shared dormitory. But in sixth form, the school had become mixed with its male counterpart and she knew her father and mother were waiting for her to come home with a lovely, catholic, white man who by all means fit every standard of heterosexuality.

The first time she met Sirius black, Marlene had thought, although she knew it was wrong, that boy is barely even a boy. He’s barely a girl either. And then, seconds later, he’s beautiful. Sirius black, with his long hair and his pierced ears and more than piercing grey eyes. His androgynous energy would have gotten him bullied anywhere else, but at their school, with james potter by his side and an infamous punch, he could say and do whatever and whoever the fuck he wanted without anyone uttering a word.
The first time Marlene had slept with Sirius, he couldn’t look her in the eye, and she knew, somewhere inside her that he was just like her. Sometimes, when he went down on her, she would close her eyes and pretend that his curls brushing her thigh were mary’s curls. She always felt guilty after. She was infatuated with their relationship, ecstatically asking marlene how things were going every time they saw him at breakfast or he winked at her in the hallways while he walked to his lessons. Marlene knew she would have to end it someday and finally be honest with herself, but sirius could make her laugh just right and after they made out at the back wall of the school, they would share a cigarette and bitch about their lives, and he was her best friend she had that wasn’t mary.
She hadn’t been using Sirius, per say, but it was nice to have something to tell Mary about. Somebody else to rub in her face, to hope she got jealous over. (If she ever did get jealous, she never showed it.) Marlene also appreciated having a friend she could just be friends with. Someone she trusted, without the deeply entrenched anxiety and suffocating thoughts that came with being in love with her best friend. She told Sirius about her family, he told her about his. And if she ever felt guilty about not actually being in love with him, she would think about how he could never look her in the eye when they kissed, or after he said ‘i love you.’ She knew he wasn’t being honest with himself. It made it easier not to be honest with him, either.

But tonight, Marlene can’t breathe as she thinks about how easy it could be to just not be stuck. If Mary can have a girlfriend, why can’t she? Mary, who she has followed through their christian primary school to their boarding secondary to their university now, is studying with her for a PHD in a subject that she only found because mary told her that the courses shared some classes. When she turns to face Sirius, he is already looking at her, although she hopes it isn’t an expression of adoration plastered on his face until she sees that his eyes are closed. His hair is tied back and he has the beginnings of stubble growing on his perfect jawline. His eyelids flutter, and he mutters something about how he can’t hear the TV properly, before he rolls over.

Marlene’s heart aches. She wishes, so badly, that she was in love with him. They could get old and get married, and have children who loved themselves more than she did, enough to go after what they wanted when they first started wanting it.

But it’s better late than never, right?

And at the bar that evening, Mary's eyes didn’t stay glued to her girlfriend but ended up locked with Marlene's again. It was a marvel to think that even though the gender of her dates had changed, she was not still the same mary. Mary, who always ended up rolling her eyes up at Marlene, sick of the clingy people who she went out with, falling in love with her more and more as she spoke. Marlene swears she can hear their hearts break when they realise mary isn’t listening, and while she should feel some form of kinship with them, understanding of how it feels when mary looks at someone else, she can’t help feeling dizzy at the idea that it’s always her that mary ends up staring into. She remembers the way the two girls kissed in the doorway of the bar, while they were waiting for everyone to come outside and walk to the tube. She remembers the way Mary was looking at her, eyes hungry with something else while her tongue was down her girlfriend’s throat. And while she was walking away with her girlfriend, hand in hand, down the hallway, mary glanced up and down as if she was fucking checking her out, after how ever many years, before looking back up at her and licking her lips. Muttering goodnight. Going inside, across the hall. Marlene is sure that if she is quiet enough, she can hear the two of them having sex. She shudders at the thought. She wonders if she could deal with a one night stand with Mary, of all people. She wonders if she can deal with a one night stand in general, having always been tied to someone in some way or another. She wonders if she cares enough about herself to not go over to Mary's and let their friendship disintegrate for one night of being able to love her, of being able to act like she was finally where she belonged.

“Sirius.”

“Mmm?”

“Sirius, really, wake up.”

“Marly, my lovely beloved, i’m really fucking hungover already and i ju-”

“I’m breaking up with you.”

“What?”

Sirius has sat up in bed now. His face has twisted into something she recognises, from when people would make fun of him for his long hair or for his painted nails. He’s hurt. He’s ashamed. He looks up at her, under his eyelashes. At some point she has gotten up, out of bed and started putting her clothes on.

“I think I'm a lesbian.”

“Oh.”

His eyes have glossed over, just slightly, and he looks like he wants to say something but he doesn’t.

She grabs her phone from her nightstand. He is watching her, incredulously, like she’ll turn around and start laughing, climb into bed and kiss him on the forehead, tuck him into bed. She’s suddenly irritated. This is the man who is supposed to know her better than anyone, and he didn’t even feel this coming?

“Sirius,” she says gently, as if trying to placate a dog who looks like he’ll start violently barking at any moment, “Don’t act surprised.”

He looks annoyed, then, which irritates her even more.

“Well i’m sorry that the girl who begged me to do more than shag her for half of sixth form turns out to swing the other way, marlene.” His voice has turned hard, each word rounded off with the posh accent that only curbs its head when he’s truly upset.
“You were the one who wanted something fucking proper, marlene. You were the one who wanted to move in with me. You were the one who said ‘I love you’ first. And now, after all that, you’re telling me you’re a lesbian? Really?" 

Marlene, although she hates herself for it, has started to cry, tears streaming silently down her cheeks. He sees this and softens, leans forward as if to wipe her face. Thinks better of it. Sits back in his place.

“Marlene, I thought I knew you better than anyone else.”

“Sirius, you do. I promise no one knows me like you,” she whispers, “and that’s why I can’t lie to you anymore.”

He looks at her again, into her eyes, as if he’s trying to find the answer to his own questions. 

“Is there someone else? Am i-" "was i not good enough?”

She knows then, that it’s not about her and him and their so-called love. If he was in love with her, he would’ve asked her, did you love me after all, did you even want me, you, you, you. But she knows that he’s still hurt either way. 

“Sirius, come on. You knew this was coming. Don’t start with that petty shit.”
She is still somewhat seething at his idea that she threw herself at him. 

A pause. He looks away.

“I love you, sirius. You’re my best friend. You deserve someone who actually wants to fuck you. I’m sure someone like that won’t be hard to find.”

Sirius laughs, then, short and sharp. “You’re breaking up with me, but you’re acting like you think I'm good enough to find someone better than you.” any trace of vulnerability in his voice is gone.

“You know as well as I do that neither of us were really in this. Did you not feel like you were pretending with me, siri? Not even a little?”

Marlene watches as he opens his mouth to speak. Closes it. Turns to the cupboard’s mirrored doors, close enough to the foot of her bed that you can reach it if you really stretch, and stares at her through the reflective surface. He nods, almost in defeat.

“I really thought I loved you, marls.”

“I think I always knew you didn’t.”

“Is that why?”

“Is that why I think I'm a lesbian? No, sirius, I think I'm a lesbian because I like tits and I most certainly do not like men."
She delivers this line with what she thinks is a sombre tone, but instead, she starts laughing at herself. He starts laughing with her.

“Well, aren’t you a fucking mess,” he lets out through fits of laughs.

“It takes one to know one, baby.”

Sirius gets off the bed and wraps his arms around her, pulling her in for a hug as they laugh.

What a mess she is, she thinks. Less of a mess now that she’s decided that she can finally be herself. Sirius presses a kiss on the side of her head, whispers ,you were a great first girlfriend,  into her ear.

“Are you gonna, uh, come out? To everyone else, I mean. Unless everyone else already knows, and you’re all playing the world's cruellest joke on me.” 
He smirks at her. She shoves him, playfully.

“I’ll tell them tomorrow. Soon. you should probably find somewhere else to live though. I refuse to suffer through your snoring for no reason.”

“I DO NOT SNORE. You liar, marlene, I swear-” he is cut off mid sentence when she chucks her pillow at him.

“You have no idea how happy I am that I can finally admit it,” she snickers.

They stand in silence for a minute. She’s scared, suddenly, that she’s made it awkward, that she can never be alone with him again-

“Marls. I love you. But it’s too late now to go flat hunting, and clearly I've reacted in a calm and acceptable way that is not in the slightest a reflection of how invested I was in our relationship. So, with all the love in my heart, I beseech you, marlene, get the fuck back into bed. Or at least turn the light off. I need my beauty sleep, babes.”

She gets back into bed, half dressed. He puts his arm around her, and she falls asleep on his chest. It's the closest they’ve ever slept. Ever.