Emmeline
Emmeline
December 10th, 1975
The coldest day of the winter so far is drawing to a close and a drowsy silence lay over the library. The students that were usually huddled together, speaking quietly, were all in their dorms and common rooms. I was one of the only people out right now, aside from Pandora who had just burst into the library.
“Emmeline! Where have you been?”
“Here, obviously, Panda.”
She sat down across from me. “I’ve decided on it now. I’m gonna do it.”
“You’re going to do what?“ I look up from my book.
“I’m gonna tell her. I’m going to tell Lily I like her.” She looked at me in the eyes, like she was asking what I thought.
“You’re sure you want to, then?”
“I’m sure.” She nodded.
“Alright then.” I looked back down to my book, but she was still looking at me. “What is it, Dora?”
“Will you go with me? I’m going to do it tomorrow.” She looked nervous, so I agreed. Merlin, tomorrow’s gonna be hell for me.
* * *
That morning was very hectic. Me, Pandora, and Alice all sat in our dorm, watching Dora freak out over what she was going to wear for an hour and a half. She decided on a white, lacy top and a skirt.
Two hours after breakfast, Pandora, Lily, Mary, and I all went to hang out by the black lake. And about an hour into it, Pandora messed up her confession. Because, let’s face it, Pandora Rosier is too honest for her own good.
Lily had just said something funny, and we all laughed, but then, Dora blurted it out.
“I love you,” she said. “Oh, oh my- that just came flying out of my mouth… I love you. I did it again. I love you, I do. And I’ve been trying not to say it, I’ve been trying so hard to mash it all down and ignore it and never say it.”
She continued, digging herself deeper into the hole. “I’m so in love with you, it hurts. And it’s like you’re in me. I’m infected with Lily Evans, and I can’t think about anything or anybody else. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t even breathe. And I love you. All the time, I love you.”
She paused, Lily was staring a whole in her face, eyes wide and her mouth open a bit. You could see it in her eyes, Lily did not expect that. Lily did not expect a love confession from Pandora Rosier. And most importantly, Lily did not feel the same way.
And that broke both their hearts.
Pandora stood up. “I’m not expecting anything from you. I’m not asking for your love. And I’m definitely not expecting you to say it back. I understand, I do. You love him Lily, and you should tell him before it’s too late.”
And with that, she walked away.
* * *
It was four weeks after the confession, and we were sitting in the common room when it happened. When Pandora showed me a side of her I hadn’t ever seen before. And this is how it went.
“What am I gonna do about this Mary thing? I can’t just keep looking at her like she’s the sun and pretending she’s my ‘very good friend’.” I hesitated. “But I definitely can’t just confess my love- I’d humiliate myself.” I looked at her. “Sorry Dora.”
“‘S okay. I’m over it.” She shrugged, peering at me from over her book.
“But can you imagine it- hey Macdonald, how was your day? Oh, that’s good. By the way I’m in love with you. And I have been since first year. Oh, you don’t feel the same? That’s fineeeeee I’ll just go jump off a cliff. Cheers.” I was over-exaggerating and I knew it.
She laughed at me. “You’re incredibly stupid, Vance.”
“You love me, really.” I laughed with her.
About ten minutes later, I spoke up again “Hey Panda?”
“Yeah, Emme?”
“Why’d you do it? You knew she didn’t feel the same.” I tried to put it as nicely as possible, but I get my bluntness from my mother.
“Yeah, I knew. Sometimes you have to do the wrong thing. Sometimes you have to make a big mistake, to.. I dunno, to figure out how to make things right.”
She looked me in the eyes. “Look Em, mistakes are painful, but they’re the only way to find out who you really are.” She paused for a while.
“I am not going to be the girl who’s hopelessly in love with Lily Evans. I am going to be the girl who’s happy, and enjoys life and hanging out with her friends. And I’m gonna be the girl who finds love, and I mean real, true, love. And I’m not going to stop until I do.”
I waited a bit, just looking at her. “Just don’t change too much, yeah? I’ll miss you.”
She nodded, and stood up. She kissed my cheek, and went upstairs to our dorm.
* * *
I was ranting again, I found myself doing that a lot lately. It was the day before New Years Eve, and the Marauders had just announced their huge party.
“I don’t even know what to do anymore, Dora. It’s all so confusing.” I was laying across the sofa, staring at the domed ceiling in our common room.
“Emme? Do you loved her?” She asked me, even though she knew the answer.
“I think so, yeah. Yeah, I do.” I looked at her. “Why?”
“Emmeline. If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you think it’s not the right thing. Even if you’re scared it’ll just cause problems. Even if it’ll probably burn your life to the ground. You say it. You say it loud and you say it clear, and you go from there.”
“Okay.” I nodded, then jumped up to hug her around the neck. What would I do with her?
* * *
I sat down at the breakfast table.
“I’m gonna tell Mary.” I had decided it the night before, and I needed to tell Pandora before I did it.
“Okay. Do whatever you think is best, I suppose.” She didn’t even look up from her book.
“I need you on board. I need you to cheer me on. You’re the only person who knows me. I mean really, actually knows me.”
She laughed. “You’re always so dramatic. Yes, I obviously think you should do it. Now quit talking to me and go and get your girl.”
* * *
I spotted Mary walking across the school ground and ran after her. “Mary!”
She spun around. “Oh! Hi Emme.”
“Hi! Where ya going?”
“No where, just wandering.” She kept on walking, and I stayed beside her. Merlin, I’d follow her anywhere.
“Mary?”
“Yeah Emme?”
“I like you. And not like in a you’re my friend and I like you way. I like you, in a really big, pretend to like the thing you do, let you beat me in chess, hold a radio over my head outside your window, horrible way that makes me hate you, like you.”
She looked at me for a few moments, and then it happened. She kissed me. She actually kissed me.