Mary
I was walking through the grounds, not sure where I was going, Sirius and I had just broken up. Again. I think it was permanent this time. Sirius Black had an actual, adult conversation with me when we had ended it. That was a first.
I heard someone call for me and turned around on my heel. “Hm? Oh! Hi Emme.”
My whole face lit up when I saw her, just seeing her cheered me up sometimes.
“Hi! Where ya going?” She was smiling, her contagious smile, so I had to smile back.
“No where, just wandering.” I continued walking, and she fell into step with me. Neither of us spoke until we were hidden by trees.
“Mary?” She looked at me, and I stopped walking, she looked serious, almost nervous. But that can’t be? I’ve never seen Vance look nervous before, she was always irritatingly calm.
“Yeah Emme?” I looked her in her eyes, they were almost golden in the sunlight.
“I like you. And not like in a you’re my friend and I like you way. I like you, in a really big, pretend to like the things that you do, let you beat me in chess, hold a radio over my head outside your window, horrible way that makes me hate you, like you.”
My jaw fell open a bit, but I closed my mouth quickly. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. No, I couldn’t understand it. Emmeline Vance had a crush on me? Sweet, beautiful, funny, Emmeline liked me? That was allowed?
I thought about everything I had ever thought about her, I’d never thought about Marlene, or Lily like that. Maybe this was okay? Maybe I could like her back? No, I definitely did like her back, but was it the same? It felt different than it had with Sirius.
Oh, right. Sirius. I did love him, I think. You can’t have both, can you? I guessed that there was only one way to find out if it’s real or not, and I did it before I realized it happened. I kissed her. I kissed her softly, at first, then once it deepened I pulled away.
“I- I have to go..” I ran off, my mind racing. And for the first time since I’d known her, Emmeline didn’t follow me.
What the hell was that? Why did I do that? What was I thinking? What is she thinking? Oh Godric, did I fuck everything up? No. She said she liked me. Why did I kiss her? Do I like her back? It felt different, different from Sirius and all of the other boys. Merlin, what the hell does that mean?
Before I knew it, I was at Gryffindor tower. I mumbled the password, and sat on the sofa, staring into the flames of the fire.
Marlene walked in and sat beside me.
“Mary? You alright love?” She sounded concerned, but I still couldn’t pull my eyes away from the fire.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” I waited a bit, then decided to tell her. “I kissed Emme.”
“What do y- Em? Emmeline? You kissed Vance? You kissed a girl?!” She said it very quickly, taken aback.
I only nodded. “Sure did.” I sounded more monotone than I was expecting, what’s going on with me?
“Are you okay, Mars?” I looked up at her, finally. My vision was blurred from tears, and I shook my head no.
She hugged me, and that was it. I was sobbing into her shoulder now, unable to stop myself.
“Oh, honey.. it’s okay.” Her hand was in my hair, stroking my head. My brave face was gone, and oh how I hated crying in front of people.
* * *
I didn’t see Emmeline again for weeks. I wasn’t necessarily avoiding her- we were just never at the same place at the same time. Totally coincidental. Or that’s what I’ve been telling myself, anyway.
I was on my way to Transfiguration when I did see her. There she was, Emmeline, I’ve seen her in maybe twice in the halls since it happened, but she was as vibrant as ever. For once, and possibly the first time, I didn’t smile when I saw her.
She was pulling a Hufflepuff girl into a broom closet, and I swear I could feel everything crumble around me. I turned around immediately, walking the other way. What the hell was I thinking? Why did I wait so long? She probably thinks I don’t feel the same, what if she’s moved on already? Never mind, she obviously has.
I marched up the stairs to my dorm, slamming the door behind me and throwing my bag off my shoulder.
“Fuck.” I muttered as I flopped down on my bed.
* * *
The next two weeks went by in a blur, and they were spent shagging or snogging any boy who was willing to go on a date with me, yet nothing seemed to help. How did one girl have this effect on me? Merlin, I don’t know if I’m more mad at her or myself.
While pondering this, I bumped into someone. It was her, of course it was. That was it, looking at her smiling and laughing and carrying on just set me off. I couldn’t tell you why I did it, which seems to be happening a lot lately, but I did it.
“What the fuck? Shouldn’t you be sneaking off in a broom closet with your lover of the week?” I rolled my eyes, glaring at her.
“Lov- what? Oh- Mary, that’s not- why would you think that? What’s wrong with you?” She looked almost mad, raising her voice, but her brown eyes were still soft with concern.
“Me? What the hell’s wrong with you? Snogging me and then sneaking off with someone else after it.”
“Sneaking- You kissed me. You don’t get to judge me. You kissed me, you left me, you ignored me. Godric, MacDonald.” She rolled her eyes and looked around, then looked back at me. “Deal with your jealously. Deal with your own shit. Don’t put all of your problems on me. I’m not the one at fault,”
She sighed. “You’re the one who left me standing there, you’re the one who ignored me, it’s not my problem anymore. I did my part, and you didn’t. That’s what happened. Come find me when you can accept that.” As she stomped off, I stood there, trying to digest what had happened.
I know one thing for sure, I had fucked up.