Five years, Severus

"I really do not know what to think. I don't know if he is starting to settle or if he is just… faking it…"

"It has only been a little over a week, Minerva. He needs more time to get used to all of this. It is all perfectly normal."

"He is always crying when he thinks I am not looking. And when I do look, he takes a book or his plush and busies himself with it as if nothing was happening. He just sits there with his legs crossed, a book in his lap... crying silently..."

"Give him some time, my dear. He just needs time."

Both adults glanced at the child. Severus was standing in the middle of the headmaster's office, absorbed in the contemplation of the rows of portraits and golden instruments displayed on the various shelves around him. He turned to get a broader view of the other side of the room, and gasped as Fawkes' penetrating gaze met his.

Minerva immediately stepped forward but stopped herself as she realized the boy, once recovered from his surprise, did not display any sign of fright. Severus usually behaved like he was perfectly undisturbed by all the novelty around him - even the year 1998 had not elicited any reaction in him beyond a frown.

Or was he keeping it all to himself?

Her sudden movement, however, did destabilise him. Severus cowered, raising a protective arm in front of his face.

"I - I did not t-touch anything!" he stammered, looking at her with fearful eyes.

Minerva cursed herself. No sudden movement. What is that hard?

She knelt in front of him, gently pulling his arm away.

"I thought you were afraid of the bird and wanted to protect you, Severus. I am so sorry, I should not have been so quick." She paused, searching for some sign of comprehension in the boy's fearful gaze. "I will never, ever beat you, Severus. Never. Beating children is bad."

Severus swallowed with difficulty.

It was true she had never raised a hand on him since they had met. But sometimes... sometimes his father would be so kind to him and his mum, he would smile at them and apologize and tell them he would not do it again. Severus was young and eager to hope, but he had learnt quickly that his father would not change, and that grown-ups could lie.

To survive, one should not be too trusting.

"You will not – hurt me?" he still asked quietly, desperately wanting to believe her.

Minerva nodded. She assured him she wouldn't; but, deep down, something was troubling her, an insidious and disagreeable feeling... the word "liar" flashed before her eyes... Had she not tried to kill Severus six months ago, on that terrible night?

She hoped the child saw nothing of it in her eyes.

"His name is Fawkes, Severus", Albus spoke, stepping forward. He put a hand on the boy's thin shoulder and pointed at his familiar. "He is a phoenix. I do not think he ever met small children in my presence, but I am sure he likes you already."

Fawkes had, after all, always been fond of Severus, no matter his age.

"So… sometimes he dies… and then he comes back?" Severus asked interestingly, without averting his gaze from the bird's eyes. Albus nodded.

His mum had told him a great deal about fantastic beasts as well as potions. She liked animals, she often spoke to him about her cat and how he had been the only one there when her family had left her. She had taught Severus it was always preferable to brew a potion without animal ingredients... Those blurry memories kept bursting in Severus' mind, establishing connections the adults failed to understand. His eyes fell on the chemistry-potions set they had brought with him.

"We are going to play with it now," Albus said amusingly, at last guessing what the boy was thinking. "Just bring the box and Mr. Octopus on the carpet you see there, and I'll bring a little table. Alright?"

As Severus did as he was told, Minerva headed towards the door. He looked genuinely excited, and it made her smile.

"The meetings should be over at around 6", she told Albus. "You will tell me how things went, naturally? I just cannot leave him without thinking about him every five minutes."

"Don't worry, my dear", the headmaster replied, his eyes twinkling. "I am sure we will have a wonderful afternoon."

Minerva took another step forward, her hand resting on the door's handle. But she stopped again, turning to her colleague.

"Do be careful… sometimes when he could hurt himself, I have a tendency to think he'll use magic to avoid it, but he doesn't."

"I find it…" Albus paused. "I find it most peculiar that our Severus shows no sign of magic at four years of age."

"You know he still has at least three years to display signs of magic."

"Indeed. But Severus isn't an average wizard. He is exceptionally powerful, though he prefers his intellect to be his primary strength. That is why I thought his magical abilities would already be visible."

Minerva's eyes, locked on the child, slowly met Albus' gaze again. She pulled her hand away from the door.

"I assumed the same. When he fell in Diagon Alley, I thought, until the last moment, that he would start flying or bouncing…"

Albus nodded.

"What I find rather strange is that Severus' mother clearly aimed to keep magic a secret from her husband, and that as long as possible. It even seems to me that her life might have been easier, had Severus not been a wizard..."

They fell silent. The headmaster lowered his gaze out of respect; Minerva felt, momentarily, a flinch of pain in her chest.

It was coming from her past. Now was not the time to think about it.

"But still", Albus went on after a while, "still Severus knows about her magical abilities. About the wizarding world. It is a secret between them. It makes no sense for Eileen to have taken such a risk, and with a child so young."

"You mean that if Severus is privy to her being a witch, this means that she was certain he was a wizard."

"Yes. She must have been absolutely sure he was. And yet, Severus does not do accidental magic. Even the smallest amounts."

Minerva's face grew tense.

"So he must have shown signs of magic as an infant. And that stopped as he grew up."

Albus nodded gravely. "I believe he might be repressing his magic, and he certainly did so for another few years. He eventually got to express it, of course - but the damages this can do to one's psyche..."

It was his turn to fall silent - his turn to dwell on the past.

"Perhaps then, that if he feels safe enough, his magic will return. Or rather, burst out", Minerva murmured.

"It is what I am hoping for."

Albus smiled weakly and opened the door for her.

"Goodbye, Mi-Minerva", Severus called from the back of the room, watching as she stepped out of Albus' office.

"I'll see you tonight, Severus dear!" Minerva told him from the threshold, pulling herself together. "Be a good boy, mmh?"

She smiled as he waved his small hand.

So that was how it felt, that constant worry for your children, the inability to leave them somewhere without worrying?

"Well then, Severus", Albus said as he walked toward the child, "it is just the two of us now. You must promise to tell me when you feel tired, okay? So you can have a little nap. Now, shall we open this box?"

"We put… the vials on the table?"

"Yes", Albus replied, putting the box down between them and sitting cross-legged - with some difficulty - to Severus' left. "It will be like a small laboratory."

Severus was very meticulous. He carefully put the vials, stills, glass pipes and measuring cups at the far end of the table. Meanwhile, Albus was testing the resistance of the basic spell of protection that had been put onto them. The boy took out different coloured liquids and ingredients, arranging them knowingly on the side of the table, at a standard distance from the utensils. The instructions, written on a paper Albus unfolded, had the set divided into two fields: one was to create interesting liquid reactions thanks to magic and potion ingredients; the other was purely scientific.

They took great pleasure in experimenting with oil and water, then went on to brew a liquid that would instantly go from blue to transparent when shaken. It was fair to say they did not see the time pass. When the mixture was ready, Albus handed it to the boy: his dark eyes were shining with excitement. He shook the vial in an almost professional manner, and the liquid rapidly lost all its colour, to his absolute delight.

"It's working, it's working!" he said thrillingly, momentously forgetting his unease.

Albus thought he had almost seen him smile, and hoped they would soon get to hear him laugh. But the boy was happy, there was no doubt about it. All of a sudden he had come out of his shell and he looked, at present, just like a boy his age should, with rosy cheeks and eyes twinkling. Albus gave him one of the huge, round pair of protection glasses he had found in the box, ready for the next experiment. He put on the other one, almost giggling when he saw his reflection in the nearest mirror. Severus looked amused too.

They had chosen a muggle experiment that involved a rather colourful explosion. Carefully, the headmaster gave Severus some white powder.

"You have to measure it and be very precise, Severus. It must not exceed this line right here."

He watched as the boy measured the bicarbonate and carefully used a spoon to put some in a bowl next to him, pouring some liquid into it. His movements were already thorough and careful, his eyes half-shut in concentration.

"It's… making noise!" Severus said excitingly as bubbles started to appear on the surface.

But instead of exploding, the number of bubbles only grew to the point it started to overflow the bowl, spreading on the table with extreme rapidity. Perhaps they should have added more powder, Albus thought - but the result was nevertheless quite impressive.

Severus, however, started to tremble.

"Severus, what is it? Severus?" Albus asked worriedly, putting down his wand.

Before he could do anything, the boy gripped his hair and started pulling it hard, obviously upset. "I didn't do it right!" he screamed, startling the older man.

Albus seized both his arms, shocked by his violent reaction.

"Severus, I forbid you to hurt yourself. Do you understand? Stop this now", he told him firmly.

Not loosening his grip on the boy's frail arms, he turned slightly so he could face Severus completely. He understood that Severus would not hurt him or break anything from the set he was so grateful for, so he would hurt himself instead as he got upset, like many abused children did. Albus had heard Poppy talk about it, but he hated, hated to witness the stigmas himself.

"Look at me", he said softly.

After a moment of hesitation, the child lifted teary eyes towards him, looking at something just beside Albus' face. The old man felt overwhelmed once again. Why was the boy crying? Why was it always so difficult to understand Severus' feelings and reactions, even when so little? Should he be the one looking after him?

He had to confess, his first idea had been to leave him with Molly. But one look at her had been enough for him to realise it would have been an incredibly selfish and clumsy decision, for both her and the child. The poor woman had lost a son. Her whole family was grieving. Now was not the time.

No, Severus was his responsibility. He could be no one else's.

Still, he was grateful that Minerva had stepped in, removing a gigantic weight off his shoulders.

But again. He knew she was resenting him, she was blaming him, she no longer trusted him. And he was desperate to earn her trust again; yet, he was incapable of preventing the boy from crying.

"Severus, you must not hurt yourself", he heard himself say again, recalling how the exact same words had left his mouth a few months after Severus had joined the faculty as their new Potions Master. "We are just playing, there is absolutely no reason to put yourself in such a state. It's alright, mmh? It's alright."

If the boy seemed to calm down a little, he did not stop trembling or wringing his tiny hands, a behaviour Albus knew too well. He thought of taking him in his arms, unsure whether or not the child would be okay with such physical closeness in the state he was in; but Fawkes got ahead of him. Silently, the bird flew down from his perch and landed on the carpet. Albus had never seen him there before: phoenixes were proud animals, never to be seen on the floor, always looking down on the world with a kind of wisdom that could be mistaken for haughtiness.

Slowly, the rather tall bird settled on Severus' lap, resting his head on the boy's neck. At first petrified, Severus relaxed as he felt warmth emanate from the animal, his soft plumage stroking his cheeks. Albus watched with fascination as he hesitantly petted back his familiar; Fawkes looked absolutely gigantic next to his frail body.

The bird closed his eyes – was he purring, or were they only imagining it?

"I think you are the first person Fawkes has hugged in his life, Severus" Albus whispered. "He is trying to tell you it's alright, and if you feel upset, it is better to hug someone and tell them what's wrong rather than hurt yourself, mmh?"

Ten minutes passed before Severus slowly looked up, careful not to disturb the bird. He seemed calmer now, even a little sleepy. Albus noticed it immediately.

Gently, and without a word, he lowered the child onto the sofa while Fawkes watched them closely. He would sleep for an hour, like Poppy had recommended.

Albus stroked Severus' raven hair while his breathing quickly slowed down. How easily children fell asleep!

The phoenix had not moved from where he stood.

"Thank you, Fawkes", Albus murmured.

The bird blinked slowly.

"He needed you."

"I'm sorry… I think I didn't put enough powder…"

Albus looked up from his desk and smiled as he watched Severus get up, yawning.

"Slept well, Severus?"

The boy nodded quickly, glancing at the chemistry set on the table.

"I wanted it to explode…"

The boy was definitely hard to distract. It was something Albus would notice over and over again.

"It was just a game, Severus. And do you not think it was exciting still? I found it impressive."

The boy did not look convinced.

"The greatest potions masters and scientists make mistakes", Albus explained. "They learn a lot from them, and sometimes it is even how they make the greatest discoveries. Do you know Louis Pasteur?"

Fifteen minutes later, after having successfully redone the experiment, to Severus' joy and relief, the boy found himself on Albus' lap, Fawkes perched on the back of the sofa. They were listening to Albus telling the history of muggle vaccines, a very simplified one which caught Severus' interest right away.

"… and a very talented potions master I know", Albus added, smiling at the memory, "once used a plant parasitised with another in one of his experiments. He discovered that was why the potion had variable levels of success. He learnt from his mistake and taught other potion makers how not to make the same. You see? Accepting that we sometimes fail is actually a quality all professionals must have, for their own good."

"Mum… mum said we had to be careful to not make mistakes", Severus recalled, wriggling his hands slightly.

Albus nodded.

"And she was right. Because making mistakes when you really are experimenting with hazardous ingredients can be very dangerous, especially with a little boy like you around. It is only when you perfectly know potions that you can experiment, and must always make sure you and other people are safe."

Severus was drinking Albus' words as he spoke, his young mind still enchanted by the chemistry box. The muggle experiments had been new to him, as his mother had only secretly introduced him to potion making; he wondered if the old man would agree to tell him more stories in the future.

"I… I hope I can experiment when I'm grown up", he muttered dreamily.

"Oh, but you will, dear, without a doubt", Albus told him, stroking his hair. "You will be a great potion master if you want to."

Severus straightened his back.

"You… think so?"

"Of course! You will help many people and make great discoveries."

"You can teach- teach me?"

Albus shook his head.

"Unfortunately, I was never very good at potions, I mean practically. But there are so many things I want to see achieved: you could be of great help to us all, dear boy. And I will teach you all I know."

He had always wanted to say this to the boy, to encourage him, to tell him there were people who believed in him, in his talent: those were things he had failed to stay the first time Severus had set foot in Hogwarts as a child.

"I will help you", Severus said gratefully, with eyes reflecting his thirst for knowledge, "when I'm big enough."

"I would be honoured if you helped me, my dear boy", Albus replied fondly.

Severus wanted to learn so very badly. It was something he had longed for at home, but his mum was always sleeping or working and she rarely had the time to teach him anything. Finally he was provided with the knowledge his young mind had been deprived of for so long, and his heart was pounding with excitement.

However, a stern voice interrupted them, startling even the headmaster. He was getting old.

"I see you have been busy", Minerva said, smiling at Severus.

She then cast a cold look at Albus, who glanced back at her confusedly.

"The meetings have just ended."

She had unlimited access to the headmaster's office when Severus was in it, and thus had not bothered to knock. Albus did not know how long she had been there, but something in the way she was looking at him, in the way she was biting her lower lip told him that she was upset. Perhaps there had been a disagreement with some of the parents?

"Severus and I had a great time", he told her, putting Severus back on his feet and getting up.

With a slight hand movement, he cleaned the chemistry equipment that had been left on the table.

"Severus, would you put all of this back into the box?" he asked gently, turning to Minerva. "I hope everything went well?"

Minerva was silent for a few seconds, hesitating. She glanced at the child behind them, who was too busy with the set to be listening to them.

"It was alright. However, Albus… you will refrain from telling Severus how he could be 'useful to us', or to you. You will refrain from filling his head with ideas of glory and knowledge. I don't want - I do not want to see Severus looking up to you with such grateful eyes again. He is... a child, for Merlin's sake! Not one of your weapons anymore. Don't - just don't - I never want to hear him say he will help you ever again."

"My dear boy…"

She looked shaken, her hands trembling with anger. Albus was expecting all but this.

"I do not care if he is only four," she continued, "this will not happen again and I will make sure of it. Severus will not help you with anything. He will not owe you anything. Think about it - Please, think about it."

"You will be fine, I promise you."

"Minerva, I did not mean to - We were just talking about potions, surely you don't think I would - "

"I will protect you."

"I don't", Minerva cut him, perhaps for the time. "But I know what you are capable of even despite yourself. I don't want this kind of relationship to settle again between you two. Remember Severus will – she glanced at the child again, lowering her voice – he will be back, and will remember, and be changed by those five years. And I don't want to see this look in his eyes again when he talks to you."

"I will teach you."

She did not leave him a chance to explain himself, she did not want to: she was so furious she might have shouted had the child not been there, shouted at this man she had considered a mentor and a dear friend and whom she now viewed as a threat. The anger had spread so rapidly in her chest that she felt almost nauseous, and she was working hard to slow down her breathing.

"I will always be here for you."

She took a deep breath, closed her eyes briefly, then turned to Severus, smiling again.

"I see you two had a great time", she told him as he brought back the chemistry box to her. "You will tell me all about it when we have dinner, alright? Say goodbye to Albus now."

"Bye, Albus", the boy said warmly. He hesitated for a second. "You will… tell me other stories if you want?"

"Of course I will", Albus replied. "Be a good boy and go eat your dinner now. I am sure the house elves have made you something delicious."

As she closed the door behind them, holding Severus' hand tightly into hers, Minerva felt her body let go of her anger. It was almost immediate: sadness took over, with a hint of melancholia and betrayal.

No one else would understand, of course. They would call it paranoia. But Albus' gentle voice, the way he spoke to Severus, how he charmed and stroked Severus' hair and promised him great things and all the knowledge in the world… it was something she had witnessed before and knew could be dangerous. Yes, the boy was happy, she thought, glancing at him; but it did not mean she was not right to feel so anxious, or scared.

She had reacted in the heat of the moment. She had not thought about the impact of her words, or about Albus' reaction: she certainly would later. But right now, all that mattered was to protect that child.

"Severus, please… help me."

She opened the door to her office. Severus carefully put the chemistry set back in his room. Then, he asked her if there was something he could help her with. He was so young and innocent still…

"Anything."