Fallen star
I had a white tank top, a grey cap and a pair of grey sweatpants shorts the next day. I had just biked for 10 minutes from my home to meet you and Alphard. I did not know if you were helping to paint and honestly, I did not know if I wished that you would or would not. My feelings for you were pure chaos; I didn’t understand anything of what I was feeling.
I had talked to Lily about it the night after I meet you in Alphard’s shop. Obviously not Mary though I had wished that I could. She was always a safe space and gave amazing advice. But then again she was “dating” you? I was confused about that part too, but even though your relationship was confusing it was still some kind of romantic relation which was more than I had with you so I was definitely jealous.
I arrived and leaned my bike against an orange tree in your backyard. “Hello Remus!” Alphard said when he saw me walking up to the backdoor. “Hello Alphard” I said smiling, I could not see you. It was unsettling. I wanted to see you and be near you at all times.
“Thank you so much for your help, you are so tall and reach the corners where even the ladder can’t!” Alphard continued putting an arm on my shoulder. Alphard has a clear French accent from where he lives in France the rest of the year. I always wondered if you could speak French too, I bet you would sound heavenly when doing so in that case.
“Sirius is coming out and helping you any second now, I can’t help my back is not what it used to be” Alphard said laughing putting a hand on his back to exaggerate the statement. Then you walked out. You had low white converse, another pair of jeans shorts and the same light blue dress shirt you wore the first time we meet. Your hair was tucked away safely in a messy bun on the back of your head. Some strands were hanging out right in the front of your face and I had to resist the urge to push them away.
“Hi Remus” You beamed at me, you were carrying two buckets filled with bubbly water. “Hello” I answered. You were beautiful, you always were. “We have to wash and remove most of the paint before we go in with another layer,” You said placing the buckets on the ground next to me.
“Okay sure, which side are we starting on?” I asked you and you pointed me towards the front back wall. “I can go from left and we will meet in the middle,” You asked me, and I of course agreed. I will always agree with you, you could ask me to bury a body and I would do it without hesitation.
The sun was burning, and my white tank top had huge sweat stains after only thirty minutes. We had worked in tense silence the past few minutes; you looked like you wanted to say something. You wiped your forehead on your sleeve again, you were squinting. I assumed the sun was in your eyes so I took my cap of and offered it to you without a second thought.
“Thank you so much,” You said placing it on top of your messy waves. When I no longer had the cap on myself, I realised that I could no longer see. I did not even think about that before giving you my cap. “You really picked the warmest day of the year to paint the walls,” I teased looking at you. You were adorable in my hat, with your black curls escaping your bun.
“Yeah I guess I did” You laughed somewhat unsurely and I realised that maybe this was the wrong thing to say. What if you thought I criticised you, I could not bear the thought of you thinking that I did not find you anything but brilliant so I tried to save myself.
“Not that I am complaining or anything this day is perfect” I slightly stumbled over my words trying to make them come out as fast as possible. You looked at me now with a hint of a smile on your face. You still didn’t say anything, you were just looking at me with that expression of innocence, you were making me so nervous.
“Yeah, I love to work in the heat! You can you know… take a swim afterwards!” I said in a hurry. The statement sounded more like a question and you looked like you were seconds from bursting out laughing.
You bit your lip to stop yourself and I think I actually died a little bit there. I took a mental picture of you standing there biting your lip with wild black curls and my cap on you to store in my treasure box called mystery boy. I thought I should rename it though. I realise now that you were probably just teasing me though.
“Are you okay?” You ended up asking and I wanted to be embarrassed but I couldn’t. You were just so you. I felt calm and wanted around you even though I had no reason to. “Yes” I said turning around back to the wall looking away from you ridiculously attractive face.
You put your hand on my chin and pushed my face towards you, you had a worried expression on your face. I am sure that all my blood rushed to my face and you mistook my blush for some type of sunstroke. “Do you need a break? Does your head hurt? Are you thirsty?” You asked me still holding onto my chin. You placed the back of your hand on my forehead and my stomach physically did flips inside me. I shook my head the best I could with your firm grip on my chin. My heart skipped a few beats at the thought of you caring about me.
You furrowed your eyebrows, “Are you sure?” You said and I nodded at you. “I’ll get some juice, anyway. Just to be sure” You said turning around and walking inside Alphard’s shop. I scrubbed the wall while I waited for you and I could not shake the feeling of your hands on my skin away from my mind. I wanted you to touch me forever.
You walked out with two glasses of a thick orange juice, “Here it’s apricot juice, I hope you like it” You said handing me a glass. I was looking straight into your eyes while taking the glass and gulping down the liquid. From close I could see the blue in your grey eyes. “Your eyes are blue not grey” I blurted out without thinking.
You looked surprised at this and I guess that I would be surprised if someone just blurted out the colours of my eyes too. “Yeah not many people notice” You said scratching the back of your ear. “I’m sorry,” I said but I did not stop looking at you with the same intensity. You were looking right back at me. “This is delicious,” I said placing the glass on a table turning back to the wall to continue the job.
All I could think about were you and Mary and how you probably wished you were with her right now. I desperately wanted you to look at me the way you looked at her, like your were attracted to me. I could not get you two out of my mind for the rest of the painting session.
We worked for hours and after a while, we had done three out of four walls. We had taken breaks but those were with Alphard whom had driven most of the conversation. You looked troubled and opened your mouth to say something but the quickly closed it again. Finally, you blurted out what had been bugging you “Are you like mad at me or something?”
“What?” I said immediately taken aback. “Well yeah, are you mad at me or something?” I looked at you with a raised eyebrow. “Why would I be mad at you?” You shrugged and turned back to the wall.
“I don’t know you tell me you have been all grumpy and not at all as smiley and fun as you were the first time we met. So I figured you were mad at me” You bit your lip again. “I have not been grumpy!” I said chuckling trying not to look at you.
“Have too” You said, you had sticked your bottom lip out and were looking like a kicked puppy. “I am not mad at you, why would I be?” I asked you smiling amused to myself folding under your expression; I would do anything for you when you looked at me like that.
“Are you mad at me for being with Mary?” My smile dropped. That hit way too close to home or my liking. “I didn’t want to offend you or steal your friend or anything I promise!” You continued, you were still staring at the wall but still slightly looking down at your feet, twirling your fingers in your hair.
“You can be with Mary however much you want,” I said looking at you. You finally looked me in the eyes and then said. “Okay,” You turned back to the wall. The tension was heavy. I desperately wanted to light it up before we are done so I said the first thing that came to mind. “Everyone seems to love you though so I guess you settled in fast!” I tried to sound teasingly and with a hint of humour in my voice but you just looked at me with not even a hint of a smile.
“I want you to like me” You said exaggerating the ‘you’ I opened my mouth but at the same time Alphard walked out. “Good job boys!” He said putting his arms around our shoulders. “Has the heat killed you yet?” He asked and we chuckled in union, but it was a bit strained. Your comment was drilled into my mind. My head was racing at a 100 miles per hours and your words repeated themselves in my head over and over again.
“I think this is enough for today, can you come back tomorrow to finish the last wall?” He asked and I nodded. I walked back to my bike, waved goodbye, and started to bike home. A few questions repeating themselves in my head. What had you meant by that? Why did you say it? What about Mary? Did you like me? If you wanted me to like you why did you ditch me? Oh you made me so confused.
Hours later I was at Lily’s place with Mary. “I really don’t think we vibe as more than friends, like he was amazing in bed don’t get me wrong but it was not meant to be you know?” Mary had talked about how you two were not going to continue dating while she did her eyeliner in the mirror. I was secretly thrilled. I didn’t want to be happy because Mary was probably at least a little bit sad about the fact.
Lily and I exchanged a look as she broke the news. She must have known exactly what I was thinking, like she always does. She had the ghost of a smile on her face. Later that evening we were getting ready for another party, it was a casual dance party in the town square. Only teenagers and 20 year olds were usually there. There was neon lights lighting up the dark night and music played nonstop for hours.
Lily was wearing a white blouse and a green skirt with a matching green bandana. She had green sandals on her feet and her toenails were painted white. Mary was wearing a pair of short shorts and a long red tank top with white sneakers. I had just put on a dark blue t-shirt and a pair of jeans shorts.
This time I was unsure if I wanted to see you. Don’t get me wrong I wanted to be around you at all times but our last conversation had made me more unsure of my feelings than ever. Then to add on my confusion you and Mary stop dating. The only explanation to why I didn’t want to see you was because I had not yet figured out my feelings and I was scared to say or do the wrong things.
We came to the party at exactly eleven a clock. The dance floor was already full of people, we greeted the people we know and Mary disappeared with some guy after about 5 minutes. You were no were to be seen.
“Remus! It’s been way too long!” A girl named Amelia Bones said as she came up to me taking my head in her hands and placing two sloppy kisses on each of my cheeks. “Amelia!” I said hugging her tight. “How are you darling? I haven’t seen you for weeks!” She slightly screamed through the music.
“I’m fantastic how are you?” I asked her leaning down almost whispering in her ear to make sure she heard me. “Brilliant! Let’s get a drink!” She had said.
I wonder if I would drink as much as I did if I knew that you would come only 40 minutes later. Because when I saw you the next time I was drunk. Really drunk. You were talking to some random girl whispering in her ear making her giggle similar to what you did with Mary. I felt jealousy bubble up inside me again, but this time I decided that I would make you jealousy back. Which if you ask me was a kind of stupid decision.
I took a hold of Amelia’s hand and dragged her onto the dance floor. “Let’s dance” I said and we started to sway our hips to the music with our arms in the air. Amelia danced closer and closer to me until we were almost pressed against each other. I had refused to look at you as a part of my plan, because then it seemed like I didn’t care. Which I totally did.
When I looked up you were staring at us with such an intense glare I was surprised we were still alive. The girl you talked to earlier were now shamelessly grinding against you. I knew that this would spread and people would start to call her things, I don’t think you knew that. Because if you did you wouldn’t let her, you were kind like that. Never wanted people to be put into situations where they were uncomfortable or someone was troubling them.
We both broke away from or respective partners when the song changed and my eyes were glued on to you just like your were glued onto mine. I don’t know how the rest happened. One second I was dancing with Amelia and the next I was only a step away from you. You were looking up at me and swaying your hips in an elegant manner. You were always beautiful and I felt the urge to take out my camera I knew I had in my bag to take a picture of you to make the moment last longer.
I was convinced that you were an angel sent from heaven, or maybe a star considering your name. I thought about how I knew close to nothing about you and how I desperately wanted to change that fact so I moved closer to you. I leaned down and whispered in your ear “What’s your favourite colour?” I asked you, you laughed your angelic laugh and looked me in my eyes as you said “Amber” I raised an eyebrow not moving away from you even though I had stopped leaning over you.
You placed your hands on my shoulders and stood on your tip toes “What’s yours?” I looked you dead in the eyes and did not miss a beat before I said, “Light blue, almost grey” I didn’t think about my answer and how it would probably classify as flirting. But you smiled even brighter and took my hands, we stared to dance in sync with the music and you sang along to the Italian words.
“Do you know Italian?” I asked you. “We are in Italy of course I know Italian” You laughed, I smiled at you. The night wind were blowing around your hair and I felt the warm breeze graze my flushed cheeks. “Not everyone here knows Italian,” I urged on but you just rolled your eyes. “This party is almost only local people who comes to, and you know it” You said and I knew that you were speaking the truth.
The contact our hands were making felt wonderful, only being this close to you felt wonderful. I felt my entire body relax as soon as our hands meet and even more as we started to dance to the music. Our hands just fit together it was like the world stopped when I touched you. My brain was foggy from the alcohol and everything around me was blurry except you. You will always be clear to me.
“I think you are a fallen star, or an angel. You have come to earth to bless us with your presence” I said. In the moment it felt good, right to tell you what was on my mind but I remember the morning after, how much I regretted it and how much I wished I hadn’t said it. Your reaction was of course good, better than good actually. You had stood up on your tiptoes again but this time you kissed my cheek before you said “You are drunk you don’t know what you are talking about”
Then you let go of my hands and blended into the crowd. I remember searching for you but you were nowhere to be seen. Then I meet Lily again, and I explained the news to her. She thought that it was good news that you probably liked me back but I didn’t want to believe it.
So thank you, you the fallen star who blessed our time here on earth by simply existing. Even though I told you when I was drunk out of my mind, the words were a hundred present truth.