Letters addressed to France

“Should I pick the cherry red lipstick or the wine red?” Mary asked standing in front of my mirror in my bathroom. My bathroom was not small but not exactly big either, it had mint green tiles in the same colours as my swimming trunks and a small bathtub in the corner. The bathroom lead directly to my room, so I am the only one in the house that uses it. Lily and I were sitting in my bathtub eating purple grapes and drinking coca cola. I had a cigarette between my lips like usual. “Paint half wine- and half cherry red and look at me so we can compare them,” Lily answered chewing a grape with a hand mirror in her hand and a brown eyeliner pencil in the other. Mary did as she said and looked at the redhead with a puzzled expression.

“I think you should take the wine red” Lily said taking her eyes of the mirror in front of her momentarily, Mary turned to me. I shrugged “Yeah the wine, you look beautiful Mars” I said. I didn’t really know anything about the makeup they were putting on and didn’t see much of a difference so I just went with what Lily said, it usually works Lily is almost always right.

Mary turned back to the mirror and thought for a second. “Yeah your right.” She said and wiped of the mixed colours from her lips to apply the wine red. She was wearing a gorgeous black dress that showed a lot of back and went down to her mid thighs. She has a silver neckless around her neck with a little heart. Lily is wearing a white dress with a blue floral print, her dress is down to her knees and half her forearms are showing but it is low around the breast and shows just enough boobs to get attention but not enough to get weird looks. She has golden earrings and a golden neckless with a sun charm. They both were truly beautiful.

I was wearing a white dress shirt and black pants, I had let Mary give me a haircut and my hair was now less of a mess but still long with defined curls. I remember looking at my new haircut in the mirror and wishing that you would like it. We were getting ready for the book club party together and the girls had brought makeup bags with them to my place so that we could get ready together, like we do every year.

It was already dark outside when we started cycling to the town square where the little bookshop is located. The moon where shining so that our path was lit up and I could not help but notice your star in the night sky. The town was lit up with fairy lights around restaurants that usually opened at this time and streetlights outside stores.

Cars and bicycles were parked randomly around in the town and chattering and music could be heard from restaurants nearby. I was looking around every corner praying that I would see you. “There it is” Lily said as we approached a stuffed bookstore filled with people and books.

We opened the door and walked in. We went to the book club party every year, the loop repeating. We were always meet by the same people a few years older than us, the owner Irma Pince greeted us with a warm smile, Gilderoy Lockheart was gloating about a book he was writing and about how successful it will be. He did this every year but the book in question never came out. Do you remember about how we used to make fun of him? He was always so full of himself, I guess he still is. Anyways, I was making small talk with everyone but the only person I wanted to see was not there. Of course that person was you. I searched for you around every corner but I still hadn’t found Alphard either so I was still hopeful that you would come.

Mary charmed everyone’s pants of like usual, everyone was practicably drooling for her, I am sure that she has slept with at least a third of everyone in there. But I couldn’t blame her if I looked like her I would take advantage of it.

The girls and me were still in a group and had talked with random people I did not practically care about when I spotted you and Alphard walk in through the door. You had a red long sleeved shirt in the same shade as Mary’s lipstick and black dress pants. Of course, you were wearing that damn neckless with the charm I couldn’t see that drove me crazy.

The room immediately lit up when you walked in and I could not help but smile and start to make my way towards you with Mary and Lily by my heels. “I’m so sorry we are late the door to the shop was struggling and we had to fix it before we came, we probably will need to replace it soon” Alphard laughed and apologised as he walked in and greeted everyone. You were right beside him with a charming smile plastered on your face. When you spotted my friends and me your expression changed. I could not pin point why and I was so excited, I desperately wished that you were as happy to see me as I was to see you. But when we walked up to you and you started to talk to Mary with only a polite nod towards me my hope was crushed.

“You have the loveliest eyes Mary” You said, your eyes were glued to each other and Mary giggled at the compliment. I had never wished so be Mary so much, I almost resented her but I quickly tried to push the feeling away since it was not Mary’s fault that you didn’t want to talk to me. I didn’t know why I felt that way, I had long ago figured that I felt something about you but I convinced myself that it was purely physical attraction. You were attractive and everyone with eyes could see it. I should have foreseen that you and Mary would hit it off but I still had a funny feeling in my chest when I looked at them. I was so stupid then not to realise my feelings.
“Looks like Mary has found herself, her summer fling. Have you seen him before?” Lily whispered in my ear standing on her tiptoes. “No” I do not know why I lied. I think it was because I wanted that moment to belong to us and not anyone else. I needed to get out of there so I fished up a package of cigarettes and waved them in front of Lily’s face. “Wanna have a smoke?” I asked.

We went outside and leaned against the glass of the bookshop taking drags of the cigarettes blowing smoke into the night sky. “Remus” She said looking out into the night sky.

“Yes?” I said looking at her side profile. Trying to distract myself from the thought of you and Mary together in there.

“Do you think someone will ever want me like everyone want’s Mars?” This statement took me aback because I have always known that Lily compares herself to Mary but I would never guess that she would be this forward, though I had seen it coming. But at the same time I didn’t hesitate.

“Yes Lils” I said without a second of thought because I knew the answer to her question. “You are gorgeous, smart and funny and you are one of the loveliest people out there. I promise you that there is someone out there for you, not even one person plenty of people would line up to be with you Lily flower,” I said taking her hand while taking a new drag of my cigarette blowing out a puff of smoke.

She looked at me and said, “You are biased” I shook my head. “No everyone would think you are beautiful Mary is just Mary, but you aren’t any less valuable because of her you are just perfect in different ways” Lily smiles slightly.

“That means a lot Rem,” She said and I could relate to what Lily was saying even if I was not really aware of it then because I wanted you to look at me the way you looked at Mary. However, I think that in that moment I started to understand that I felt something about you, not entirely but I had a hunch. I had never before thought about my sexuality; I had slept with both guys and girls. I do not think there is a need of a label and even if I didn’t care about the fact that you were a guy I just didn’t want to let myself fall for you.
“Remus” Lily had said.

“Yes” Lily had her serious tone on and I knew something important was coming. I knew her inside out I knew that whenever she lied she shifted her weight to her left foot and pressed her lips together for a second. I know that when she is feeling sad or hurt she needs physical touch to feel better. She alongside Mary is my best friend and I would do anything for her so of course I can read her like an open book.

“You have meet Sirius before haven’t you?” She asked me and maybe she knows me as good as I know her because I knew that she hadn’t bought my lie. “Yes” I did not deny it. I just watched the smoke blend into the night sky still holding onto Lily’s hand.

“Did you lie because you like Sirius?” She asked and thinking back it is scary how good she knows me. She knew I liked you before I knew it myself. I was however caught off guard because I truly didn’t know at the time. I suspected that maybe there was something but I was not sure. I didn’t want to like you.

“I don’t know” I said “I think you like him love, and I am sorry” She said looking me in the eyes. Emerald eyes meeting amber ones. The door to the book shop swung open and out came you and Mary. Mary had her arm around yours, she was giggling at something you said and I couldn’t bare to look at you so I didn’t.

“Rem, Lils!” Mary said as she spotted us and I couldn’t help but sigh. Lily squeezed my hand. I rested my head against the glass with closed eyes, I took a long drag out of my almost brunt out cigarette and blew out smoke. “Hey” Lily said.

“I didn’t notice you guys went outside!” She said giggly. She probably had at least one glass of wine and you too judging by you flushed checks. You looked at me and said the first words to me for the night. “So you smoke Mr. Wolf?” Suddenly I felt stupid for wishing you were coming, I wished that you and Mary had never meet and that you were my little secret. I wanted you to be around my arm not Mary around yours and I felt fury bubble up in my throat.

“Obviously” I said maybe a little bit rudely because a flash of hurt ran through your face for not even a second, but I still saw it. I stupidly wondered if Mary did too, if she thinks about you as much as I do, because surely she can’t. I was so naïve back then. You looked away and I saw Mary squeeze your arm “I will be going now, I probably won’t be there for the sleepover Rem sorry” She said winking at us. I forced a laugh and said that it was okay even though it was the polar opposite. I felt abandoned and betrayed and it was truly stupid to feel like that. I didn’t know if I felt betrayed by you or her because both were stupid she couldn’t know how I felt and because you and I had only talked once before. But like I have mentioned you seemed to have a special effect on me.

“Bye Mars have fun,” Lily said letting go off my hand to hug Mary. Then you two where off, I did not want think about what you were doing but I knew that I would have to listen about every little detail the next time I see Mary.

The rest of the book party was terrible.
“Remus, can you buy some cucumbers, we have ran out of them and I need them for dinner,” Maritza had said while I was reading against my tree. It had been a week since I last saw you and I knew that you probably were at Alphard’s shop where I had to buy the cucumber. I had heard every little detail about how you fucked Mary only a night after, which was way too early if you ask me. I was still processing your “relationship’’ which seemed to be blooming.

Lily had kept me updates on when you were outside so that I could avoid you after we found out that you and Lily were neighbours through Mary of course. I am ashamed to admit that I kind of avoided her too because all she seemed to talk about these days were you. It hurt like a bitch to hear you with someone else, it was crazy how attached I had become to you so fast.

I stood in the line to Alphard’s summer fruit. The store is built old fashioned, the seller stand inside with all the fruit and vegetables while you stand outside the window to ask for what you want. I have always loved the setup and I think you did too because then you had an excuse to chat to people which you always seemed more than happy to do sense half the town knew (and loved) you barley a week after I first talked to you.

No one was behind me in the line so I had no excuse not to make small talk and hurry. When it was my turn I dug my nails into my palm and tried to smile as real as I could because truth is I was mad at you. I had no reason, You didn’t do anything wrong but I was so pissed that you would choose her over me.

“Remus hey” You said with a smile on your face, it wasn’t fake and strained like mine. You were wearing a yellow T-shirt with the Alphard’s summer fruit logo on, you had another pair of low waited jeans shorts that looked like you had simply cut of the rest of the pants with scissors because there were hanging threads from the bottom. This time your hair was in a ponytail and on top of your head, you had a little hat with the same Alphard’s fruit logo on it. I tried to smile back “Hello Sirius I would like a cucumber” I was tapping my foot on the ground, it is a nervous habit of mine but you seemed to think that I was impatient and didn’t want to be there because you tried to hurry up. I didn’t want to think that maybe you had noticed that I was avoiding you so I quickly banished the thought.

You handed me the cucumber in a plastic bag and looked at me almost uncertainly. “That will be 1,7 €” You said and your voice still made me freeze. This time though I quickly snapped out of it and picked up my wallet to take out the money.

“Alphard told me to ask you to help us repaint the walls the next time I see you” You quickly said your words almost blurring together because of how fast you were talking. I paused from my counting and looked at you. “Oh okay, sure” I said, I have helped Alphard in the store plenty of times and him asking for a favour was not uncommon but with you there it was different.

“You will be payed of course!” You quickly added as I gave you the money for the cucumber. “Oh there is no need, When do you need me?” I asked you.
“Tomorrow, I’m sorry it is such a short notice but I had hoped that I would see you earlier” You trailed of seeming hesitant of which words to choose “But I guess I just haven’t seen you as much as I wished I would” you seemed to decide on because you looked slightly more confident after saying these words.

“No worries” I assured you while I drank in your appearance, I never seemed to be able to take my eyes off you, I always wondered if you noticed.