Tears are words the heart can't say
POV Ominis
It had been a few days since Sebastian taught me all about kissing. Though I had wished to spend some time alone with Valerian, I was just too busy. We had a lot of homework to do, and Sebastian and I went every evening to the hospital to spend some time with Anne. The doctors said she had only a few days left. I was dreading this moment. So was Sebastian. I know he was trying to keep himself busy trying to not think about it.
At breakfast, I had another letter from my family. It was the 3rd letter they had sent me. I was starting to wonder if I shouldn’t open it. But then if I did, I would be caught up in the family drama again. So I decided against it. I threw it in the fire on the way out.
Sebastian was not feeling well today.
« Will you be alright ? » I asked.
« Yeah, it’s just .. I have this strange feeling inside of me. Somethings off, like wrong. I can’t realy explain it » he bemoaned.
We started our morning with the professor Katona, who is married to the other professor Katona. She teaches potions, he teaches study of magical artefacts. In his class, we were to learn mainly the existance of dark artefacts to be able to recognise them and stop dark wizards from using them. Today, we would learn about the dark quill. The professor showed us what it looked like, as he had one in his posession.
« Can anyone tell me the purpose of the black quill ? » asked the professor.
« I think it was used a lot back in the day, at school » said Benjamin.
« But what does it do ? Is it an ordinary quill ? » demanded the professor.
« No, the black quill, also known as the dark quill is a dark magical object that was used on students as a punishing device. It does not require ink as it writes with the blood of the user. What the user wrote would be carved onto the back of ther hand and the blood from the words sliced into the hand would be magically siphoned and used as ink on the parchment » I explained.
I could hear the others sigh in shock.
I was familiar with that quill. When I was a child, my parents insisted I learnt how to write my name despite being blind. They believed it would be useful. And I struggled as I had never learned the alphabet nor how to write. My parents ran out of patience, saying I was not trying hard enough, that I was an imbecile. And as punishment, they had me use that quill until I could properly write my name. The wound on the back of my hand would heal, but as soon as I started writing again it would open up once more, causing it to bleed. And the continuous use of it left a scar.
« Exellent M.Gaunt. As usual, you’re knowledge is most impressive. That will be very useful as an auror. You should know that this quill is now prohibited from use on students due to many complaints» said the professor calmly.
« No wonder » exclaimed Samuel.
« We will have very soon the privilage of a fieldtrip to the ministry. And on that day, we will have the delights of visiting the dark artefact room where objects have been confiscated from ... »
The professor was interrupted by a know on the door.
« Come in » he said.
« Excuse me professor Katona ». It was Professor Radagor. « The headmistress would like to see M. Sallow and M.Gaunt right away » she demanded.
Oh god. What did we do wrong ? Maybe it’s because we skipped class a few days ago ?
« Of course. M. Sallow and M.Gaunt, please take your belongings and go with professor Radagor. You can find me later to catch up on today’s lesson » he told.
We could hear everyone whispering.
We packed up our books, and followed the professor out.
« What did we do wrong ? » whispered Sebastian to me.
« I don’t know. Maybe it’s because we skipped class the other day ? » I replied worried.
« I doubt that. We got off with a warning, and it has been a few days now. If we were to be expelled, we would have known by now. I don’t like the sound of that » whispered Sebastian.
We continued the rest of the way in silence.
We were now at the headmistress’ door. We entered after knocking. But professor Radagor didn’t follow us in.
« Come in and take a seat » ordered the headmistress.
Her voice was sharp and seemed to be a woman of a certain age.
We sat on the chairs in front of her desk.
She let out a sigh. Like what ever she had to tell us was a burden.
I feared the worse.
« I’m afraid I have bad news. I have recieved an owl from a certain Marjoribanks hospital ».
I froze to the mention of the hospital’s name.
« I believe that’s were your sister was taken care of M. Sallow. The emergency contact was in M.Gaunt’s name. But they thought I should receive the news first as you can’t … read ».
I knew this was bad. I could hear Sebastian breathing increasing.
« I’m afraid she has passed away. » she said heavy-hearted.
And my heart literally stopped for an instant. Though I had time to prepare myself for this moment, it was still painful to hear. I thought the day she would die, I would burst into tears. But I didn’t. I felt relieved somehow. She agonised for years due to the curse, and to the death of her uncle and the loss of her brother. But now, she wasn’t suffering anymore. She was now in a better place. I could imagine her running through a fielf of crops, playing hide and seek with her parents, like they used to when she was a child, free of the pain and the suffering. The thought was so beautiful. But I knew I would miss her deeply. A single tear rolled down my cheek at that thought. A tear of both relief and sorrow. Right now I needed to hold it together as I was more worried about Sebastian than myself now. His shadow wasn’t moving. I knew he was devastated. He was probably outraged for not being by her side when she breathed her last breath. He was now breathing irrationally.
« I know this moment is difficult for you both. You have my deepest condoleances » said the headmistress with empathy. « But try to keep calm and ... »
She didn’t have time to finish her sentence as Sebastian rose up rapidly and was rushing back and forth.
« Keep calm ? My sister is dead ! And I wasn’t by her side when it happened ! She died alone ! » he yelled heart-broken and sobbing like a mad person.
« Sebastian ... » I started with a thick voice.
« How could I have let that happen ? I … I … didn’t even … get to say .. . goodbye » He let out a strangled sob as he fell on his knees, unable to stand, his shoulders shaking.
« Then let’s go together and say goodbye now » I suggested trying to ease his pain.
« She’s dead ! It’s too late ! She’s gone !» he shouted as he sobbed uncontrollably, his forhead on the ground. He was now lost in his pain.
And to the sound of it, my stomach clenched.
« You should take your friend to see her M.Gaunt. Don’t worry about classes. I’ll let the professors know » said the headmistress.
« Thank you headmistress Radagor » I replied dreary.
I approched Sebastian, I put my hand on his back that was trembling and apparated us to the hospital directly into Anne’s room. Sebastian was still curled up on the floor in agony. I was looking for Anne, but I couldn’t see her shadow. Where was she ?
I heard footsteps behind me.
« Who are you ? What are you doing there ? » asked a female voice.
I turned around.
« Oh it’s you M.Gaunt. My appologies ». It was Anne’s nurse. I recognized her voice.
« Good day Miss. Sorry for the erruption. We got news of Anne » I said grief-stricken. « And we came here immediately. Where is she ? » I asked.
« She’s right there … on the bed » said the nurse surprised I couldn’t see her, or her shadow that is. But that was just it. I couldn’t see her shadow. I couldn’t figure out why. So I approched the bed, raising my free hand in search of Anne. And as I felt her arm, my heart skipped a beat. She was acually there ! Lying on the bed. Why couldn't I see her shadow? I moved up my hand to her face, checking that it was really her. I swept across her fringe, then went down to her eyes. They were closed. I stroked her cheek, her skin was ice cold. It was definitely her lying on the bed, motionless. I felt crushed. I had never experienced death of a loved one before. That’s probably why I couldn’t see her shadow. There was no light left in her. I felt like my heart had been ripped out.
Meanwhile, Sebastian raised his head, realising where we were. He then got up painfully. I could hear him sniff. He sat by his sister’s corpse, looking at her. He brought her body into his arms looking at her, and shouted in agony her name. This scene was heart-breaking. I felt at that moment nothing would ease his pain, ever. He rested his face under hers as if to cuddle her, but her head just fell back, lifeless. Sadness was crushing him.
After a while, he put her down on the bed and laid by her side, his head on her shoulder crying as he whispered to her.
« I’ m sorry Anne. I’m so sorry ». he kept repeating devastated.
It broke my heart to hear Sebastian crestfallen. I took Anne’s cold hand in mine, as if to let her know that I was there. But of course it was pointless. I whiped my tears with the back of my hand.
I heard my name in Parseltongue. It was Nathara. She came from under the bed, and rested on my knees. She was also devastated. So I gently stroke her head.
We stayed like this for what seemed to be an eternity, Sebatian all the while mourning his twin sister completely torn appart. The nurse came back.
« I’m sorry but the men are here to take her to the morgue. » she announced.
« You’re taking her ? » I asked worried.
« She’ll be perfectly alright. She will remain there until they receive further instructions from her family » she expalined.
Of course, further instructions meaning her funeral and from her family meant Sebastian.
I walked to my best friend, dreading the next part as I knew he wouldn’t let go of her.
« Sebastian, it’s time to let her go » I said gently, resting a hand on his shoulder.
« I’m not leaving her with strangers ! I’m not going to abandon her again.» he scolded angrily.
How was I going to convince him to let her go ? I didn’t want to hold him down forcefully while they took her away.
« Sebastian, I promise you will see her tomorrow. But for now, please come with me. » I pleaded.
« No » he groaned harshly.
« Would it make it easier if Nathara stayed with her a bit longer ? To look after her personally ? » I tried convincing him.
He didn’t reply.
« I promise she will be well looked after. After all Anne loved Nathara. » I added.
He still didn’t answer.
« Sebastian, please » I begged.
« I will get to see her tomorrow ? And Nathara will stay with her ? » he pleaded desperately. completely drained of his energy .
« Yes. I swear ».
He sat up from the bed where Anne was resting, and his face was now looking at the floor, turning his back on Anne’s corpse. I could imagin his face, his eyes would be swollen from the exess of tears.
I heard Nathara slithered by Anne’s side.
I nodded to the men giving my approval to take her body.
They approched the bed, then they carried her onto a higher bed with wheels. I was standing by Sebastian’s side, and I placed my hand on his shoulder once more.
I could hear the squeeking sound of the wheels, which meant they were on the move.
But Sebastian rose up suddenly.
« Wait ! » he shouted with his broken voice.
He ran towards Anne, and all I could see was that the shadow of the bed wasn’t moving foward any longer.
He must have stopped them. I ran by his side.
I could see his shadow bending down onto the bed. And I heard the sound of a kiss. I imagined he kissed her forehead, his symbolic way of saying goodbye to her.
« It’s time to let go M. Sallow » said the nurse.
But Sebastian wouldn’t let go of her hand.
« Sebastian, look at me » I said taking his face into my hands now facing mine.
« Let her go » I said warmly trying to look in his direction.
Then the men seized the opportunity and were on the move again. Sebastian took a step foward to follow them, but I put my hand on his chest, stopping him. I could feel through his chest his heart beating ardurously, as he watched her leave. Once she was out of sight, he inhaled deeply, pulled his hair back, and he started crying in despare again. I took him into my arms, his face buried in my neck, I could feel tears flowing down his face like a river as his body trembled from the shock.
« It’s ok to cry for the tears soothe the soul putting to rest distress » I expressed doleful.
We just remained like this for a while as he continued weeping willows.
He needed to rest. So I thought I should take him back to his bedroom, but I couldn’t apparate there as I didn’t know what it looked like in detail. It would be to dangerous, I could accidently apparate in a wall. But I could apparate in my bedroom. On the first day I arrived, I carefully felt every corner of the room to imagin the size and shape of it, and rummaged through every furniture to visualise my bedroom as clearly as possible in my mind. So I apparated us there.
I thought Sebastian was in no state to walk, even for a short distance, so I helped him lay on my bed for a moment. And he just passed out. It had been a frightful day. Even I was exhausted. But didn’t want to wake him. So I just let him sleep there, shifting his legs onto the bed so he would be more comfortable.
I had completely lost track of time as I was pulled out of my routine. And I was hungry. But I wasn’t sure if I had the strengh to eat. I couldn’t stop thinking about Anne, how cold her corpse was, how I couldn’t see her shadow. That was the most disconcerting part for me. It made me realize that she was truely gone forever. I knew I needed rest as the next days would be challenging for me, I would have to be there for Sebastian, and help organising the funeral as I wasn’t sure he would have the strength for it. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep if my stomach was empty though. So I thought I would run down to the kitchens quickly first.
When I opened the door, I realised how quiet it was. I couldn’t see a shadow in sight. So I assumed it was quite late. As I went down to the living room, I could feel my body worn out by all the emotion it had gone through today. So I tried massaging my neck with my left hand, as my wand was in my right hand.
« Ominis ? Is that you ? » I heard. I recognised that smooth voice immediately.
« Valerian » I adressed with a strangled voice.
Her shadow was sitting on one of the couches.
« Oh Ominis » she said mournfully as she stood up and rushed towards me.
And I could tell by the tone of her voice that she knew what had happened today. Though I don’t kow how.
She was now standing right in front of me. She looked at me (I think), then she pulled her arms around me, hugging me tightly.
I then waisted no time pulling my arms around her, my left hand sliding gently on her back moving towards the edge of her hip, and placing my right hand behind her head also holding my wand. I then placed my forhead on her shoulder. I was now shaking and her presence felt like a warm blanket wrapped aroud me.
« I’m so sorry Ominis, I know how much she meant to you » she whispered in my ear softly.
I couldn’t hold back my tears. I didn’t want to cry in front of her, because that wasn’t very manly, but I just couldn’t help it.
« It’s ok Ominis, cry all you want. I’m not going anywhere » she declared.
I pulled her in tighter as I slightly moved my head sideways so I could burry my face in her neck. I held her so tightly I thought I would hurt her. But she didn’t budge.
My tears were running down my cheeks onto her delicate neck.
I could smell her sweet ginger sent. It was soothing. I could feel her warmth. I never wanted her to let go. How I wished we could stay like this forever.
We remained in eachothers arms for quite a while. When when I had calmed down a bit, she pulled away gently, letting go of me. So I also let go of her, reluctently.
« You must be exausted. Did you have something to eat today ? » she asked.
« What time is it ? » I demanded clueless.
« Late, you’ve missed dinner » she aswered.
« Oh. I can just run down to the kitchens for a bite to eat » I told her.
« There’s no need, I asked the elves if they could make you and Sebastian something as you had still not returned. I have a sandwich for you right there.» she assured.
I couldn’t help but grin.
« That’s very thoughtful of you. Thank you. » I expressed.
She took my hand I pulled me to the table. How I loved it when I was holding her hand.
« Sit down and eat. You need to recover your strength » she ordered so gently.
« Yes Maam » I replied with a smile as I let go of her hand and sat down on the chair.
I turned it slightly sideways so I could also face Valerian.
She pulled a chair into the same position so she would be facing me.
I put my wand down and grabbed the sandwich as I started eating. I was quite glad I didn’t have to go down as my body was aching. I was so hungry I was barely chewing my food.
« How’s Sebastian ? It must be very hard on him, on you both » she stated.
I loved how she was always so genuinly thoughtful.
« As well as can be imagined, he’s inconsolable » I replied despondent.
« Of course. And you ? Are you coping ? » she demanded
I didn’t aswer immediately.
« You know, we knew this day was coming. We tried to prepare for it for years. Though I am heartbroken, I am also comforted in the idea that she isn’t suffering anymore. This is what she wanted, to end her pain. Today, I imagined her running through a field, enjoying her afterlife along side her parents and uncle » I narrated.
« That’s the best way to remember our loved ones. In time, the bad memories will flow away, leaving only the happy ones. And one day, when you or Sebastian will think of her, or talk about her, you shall smile » she said cheerfully.
I couldn’t help but be in awe to her words, to her.
« You are just … the most entrancing person in this world Valerian » I said whimpering.
My head was now resting in the palm of my right hand as I had finished eating.
I knew she was smiling, I could feel it.
« You’re such a charmer » she murmured affectionately.
I couldn’t help but smile. I would normally get fired up after such a compliment, but I was worn out.
« You must be tired. You should probably go to bed » she stated.
« I should probably, but someone’s sleeping in my bed » I said smiling.
Valerian let out a sigh of shock and surprise.
What was she thinking ?
« Oh, you have … compagny tonight ? » she asked. I could hear her voice was disconcerted.
« If you are referring to my best friend snoring all night as compagny then yes, unfortunately » I said joking.
I heard her sigh in relief.
Then I realised maybe she thought I had another kind of compagny. A woman ? Not likely. No. She’s the only woman I would ever want as compagny in my bedroom. Maybe I shouldn’t be saying that. That’s indecant. Though the idea of it was enticing, it was also terrifying. I would probably just end up looking like a fool, as usual.
« Why is he in your bed, if I may ask ? » she giggled.
« He … has been overwhelmed by many emotions today. It was a lot to take in. He could barely walk when we apparated in my bedroom. » I explained heavy. « And he passed out on my bed. So I just let him. And now, I have nowhere to sleep » I said amused.
« Oh dear » she exclaimed.
« Don’t fret Valerian, I will just sleep on he couch tonight, it will be fine» I added.
I stood up, walked to the sofa and sat down on it, leaning my head back on the top of it.
« Though I doubt I’ll get much sleep after today » I admitted.
I knew Anne would haunt my dreams tonight.
« You need to relax first. And only then will you sleep »
« Easier said than done. I don’t relax easily » I commented.
« Then let me help you » she said with her enchanting voice.
What did she mean by that ?
She rose up from her chair, and sat down next to me on the sofa.
I could feel my heart starting to flutter.
« Now, lie down, place your head on my thighs » she said smiling knowing how I would react.
« You want me … to … what ?! » I said as my cheeks were fiery and my palms sweaty.
She laughed.
« Come on, lie down » she ordered cheerfully.
« o… ok ... » I replied feeling very uncertain about this.
Was this even a good idea ? My mind was going to be all over the place again.
Nonetheless, I laid down and placed my head on her thights like she wanted me to., which caused me to breathe heavily.
She then started to caress my hair from front to back.
I couldn’t help but gasp.
« Now, close your eyes, and don’t forget to breathe » she whispered.
She brushed my hair so delicately. I took in deep breaths before I started relaxing slowly, savouring every stroke. I was now on cloud 9, and she was my ray of sunshine.
I realised she wasn’t touching my face. I wondered if it was because it would the next thing she wanted to see. I then thought how much I would love to see her face. Feel her eyes, her nose, her lips. How I wanted to taste her lips.
« Now, are you feeling more relaxed ? » she asked.
I just nodded as I knew she could feel my head moving.
She continued.
« By the way, how did you know where I was and what had happened ? » I asked her so calmly.
« I thought you got into trouble at first. But the longer I waited the more worried I was. I knew something wasn’t right for both you and Sebastian to be missing. And the only thing that made sense was Anne, she is the only reason you would be both missing. So I went to see the headmistress and I asked her where you were. She said she couldn’t tell me of course because it was none of my buisness. Then I asked her if it had anything to do with Anne. At the mention of her name, she asked me how I knew her. I told her she was a friend, and I knew she hadn’t had long to live. I pleaded her to tell me if she was alright. She didn’t answer. That’s how I knew. And at dinner when I didn’t see you both there, I thought you might come home late, exhausted and downcast. So I asked professor Radagor if it would be ok for me to ask the elves for a snack for you both later. She immediately accepted. And then I waited for your return, because I thought … you might need … someone to talk to, or just … cheering up » she revealed timidly.
« I’m glad you did » I said searching for her other hand, and then I held it in mine.
For the first time since I had met Valerian, I wasn’t feeling nervous, nor loosing my mind. I felt at ease. She was the only person that could make me feel so many emotions in such a short time.
I was slowly falling asleep. She then rested my head delicately on the sofa, and she came back a few mintutes later with a blanket that she laid on me while I was half asleep. She then placed my wand by my side. Then I felt a gentle kiss on my cheek.