Suffocating
The ground beneath Remus shook slightly with each open and close of his fist. He was laying on top of his bunk, saying a bed would be too generous, eyes closed as he resisted the urge to tear open the earth and have it swallow him. His mind felt worn and tired from the two words that have been racing through it the entire night
Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black Siriusblacksiriusblacksiriusblacksiriussiriussiriussirius
Sirius.
Flashes of memories began to press at the edges of his mind, strong and urging. Remus groaned and rolled over, wrapping his arms around his abdomen so tightly as though to stop his organs from escaping. The memories pounded and pounded against his head. They were loud. They were demanding. They were Sirius. They were an image of long curly black hair bouncing along the corridors in front of him. They were laughter. They were lying breathless on the sparring mats. But they were also tinged with an unshakable darkness. The same shadows from yesterday lurking around the edges. A jolt of unidentifiable pain. A shimmer of someone fading away. A strong, bold, bolt of lightning. They ran faster and faster until they began to blur together, the sound of Remus’s own heartbeat over it all appeared deafening to his own ears, and the darkness seemed to sink further into the flashes of memories. Just before it seemed like it would all collapse and spill out of him, he sat up with a spark of adrenaline, breathing like he’d just finished a marathon.
“Oh no, not fucking happening. Absolutely not.” He spat to himself. He threw the thin blanket that covered him off in the same quick moment that he rose to his feet, ignoring the way that all his joints creaked in protest. He set off to the training centre.
The other heroes up this early in the morning must have sensed the energy coming off him in waves, because they steered clear. Even people he was somewhat friendly with, like the Hero Shacklebolt. Arriving at the training centre he discarded the unnecessary belongings and scanned the room critically. His eyes quickly skipped over the sparring mat. No one to spar with, he reasoned, ignoring the small twist in his stomach. Not wanting to exhaust his powers too much with the knowledge of the extra duty he’s been shackled with due to his failure yesterday, he eventually settled on making his way over to the punching bag. Properly wrapping up his hands for protection, he got into a ready stance and began to attack the bag. Punch after punch, strike after strike, the repetitive exhausting motions leaving no room or time for troubling thoughts.
The minutes ticked by until eventually his com beeped with a familiar alarm. Remus almost felt glad, time for patrol. He could use an escape from this place, these corridors littered with reminders. Shaking out his arms and stretching while he walked back to his room, he gave a quick passing nod to Emmeline, who glanced at him with a look of surprise and slight worry. He felt confused at the expression until a glance down at himself saw that he was drenched in sweat, and blood had soaked through the careful bandages over his knuckles. He winced. Gross.
A quick shower to rid himself of his sweat later and he had donned his suit and reported to the Order that he was leaving for patrol. For a man with powers that theoretically should tie him to the ground, Remus craved the feeling of the wind blowing through his air as he soared, simply bringing the ground up to meet him and push him forward. He reached his location and came to a stop atop his favourite building, perfectly landed and poised. He stood up and brushed a fleck of dirt off him. As harsh as the Order may be, it certainly made him a great hero. (Soldier, a small voice in his head whispered, before he pushed it down.) It was time for his favourite part, the part that made it all worth it. When he could actually help people.
Leaping off the building, he began his patrol. It consisted of nothing out of the ordinary. He stopped the usual muggings, robberies, and typical violence that would take place in a bustling city such as this one. But still it filled him with a sense of peace. Each person he saved or violent act he helped prevent lessened the tight pressure on his chest. Like he was making up for what he had been given.
The now-night was cool and fresh on his return journey back home and he couldn’t stop himself from heading back to the building he began from. The rooftop had one of the best views of the city, and all the lights and noises coming from down below floated up at a nice volume. It was peaceful. Remus liked peaceful. He sat down on the edge and swung his legs around so that they were dangling over. He wasn’t fearful, he knew the earth would welcome him with open arms.
This precious time after patrol, when he’s not expected back just yet at the Order, and he’s completed his patrol is one of the only times he can feel free. The air on his face (if you ignore the mask), the ability to breath without feeling constricted, it was things other people seemed to take for granted. Other people who had the freedom to choose what they wanted their life to be. A small part of Remus’s mood soured at the reminder, and he sighed deeply, the taste of guilt in his mouth. Look, it wasn’t as though he didn’t like being a hero. On the contrary, he loved it, one of the only things about his life he enjoyed. But he didn’t choose it. This life, like his powers, were forced upon him when he was too young to understand, and when everything happened far too fast for a young boy to process.
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Remus’s hair was curly and bouncy, slightly longer than it should be as it fell into his eyes when he laughed. He grinned up at the warm smiling figure next to him, she had soft blonde hair and kind eyes. She felt like home. Remus was showing off a tooth he had just lost, one of his last ones. Remus was 10. His mum gently reached over and scooped it from his hand. “Better keep that one safe from the tooth fairy huh, love?” Her voice was melodic and Remus spun around, giddy with joy.
“Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!” He chanted, adding in a couple hops for good measure. A couple stones around him picked up in his excitement and began to spin happy loops around him.
His mother came back into the room, tooth safely deposited in a secure place, and rolled her eyes with a fond smile at the sight. “Remus! Rocks down love, I don’t need another broken vase.”
“Sorry mum!” The rocks fell to the ground with a soft ‘plunk’.
She smiled and settled into the worn-down couch, opening one of her arms in a welcoming gesture and waving Remus over. He tumbled his way over with boyish giggles, bright green eyes shining up at her as he nestled his way into her side. He was happy. And as his mum turned on the TV, his attention caught on the bright cartoons, he missed the worried look she gave to the clock. It’s persistent ticking went unnoticed by Remus, while the anxiety steadily built in his mother. Finally, the door knocked. It was slightly louder than usual. Remus tilted his head in confusion. Pa normally doesn’t knock too harshly, he doesn’t like to startle Mum. Such as what happened now, as she jumped from the fright and her arm around Remus tightened. Uncomfortable from the sudden pressurised hug Remus wiggled and slipped out of her grasp.
“I’ll get it mum!” He didn’t want her to worry about getting up, he was good like that. Pa always taught him how important manners were, and he felt a sense of pride at his big words.
Before his mother could answer he made his way over to the door. Remus wasn’t sure why his hand hesitated slightly over the doorknob, or why the back of his next prickled. He opened the door. It wasn’t Pa. A man stood there, tall and towering, with large shoulders and strong-looking arms. He had a dangerous look in his eye, and a growing smile as he looked down and made eye contact with Remus.
Remus opened and closed his mouth a couple times as he heard a quiet gasp from his mother as she slipped away into the kitchen. “Umm… Hello?” It came out questioning and squeaky, but once again, Remus didn’t want to be rude. He wouldn’t want Pa to be disappointed in him. So far that’s only happened once when Remus broke a promise to not leave the door open again, and he did, which meant Sally the cat escaped. His disappointment had been devastating, because Remus's favourite thing in the whole wide world was when Pa would arrive home, scoop him off the couch, and listen while Remus babbled about his day and only chimed in to tell him how proud he was. So Remus wanted to do good.
“Lyall’s boy. Hey kid,” His voice was scratchy, like someone dragging something heavy through gravel. “Where’s your mum?”
Despite his age, Remus wasn’t stupid. The hairs on his arms were all standing on end and a feeling in his gut was telling him to run run run run RUN RUN RUN-
“Uhh she’s um. Busy?” Remus was never good at lying, Mum said being dishonest was bad. So he didn’t have any practice.
The sound of the phone being hung up on the wall in the kitchen only made a soft quick, but in the silence following Remus’s stuttered statement it appeared deafening. “Looks like she’s free now.” The man said while smirking. Remus took one shaky step back, unsure of what to do.
His mum entered the room again, “Fenrir. You have to leave. Now.” Her voice trembled, but her words were firm.
What happened next would forever change Remus’s life, but unfortunately, it all passed in the blink of an eye. One moment, that simultaneously seemed to stretch years and also go at the speed of light.
Upon Hope entering the room and speaking, Fenrir lunged. Not at her, but at Remus. His hands were large and equipped with long, dirty claws, something that Remus noticed as those very hands wrapped around his body and forcefully pushed him into the opposite wall. Moving proved useless, he was trapped. He could hear his mum’s scream as though it was slowed down and underwater. His senses dialled in on the feeling of claws puncturing his skin. One hand was wrapped around the base of his neck, the claws sinking deep into the areas around his collar bone, the other at the left upper shoulder, claws also digging in. The hand around his neck ripped out, claws ripping at skin as they left. He felt his head turn sharply to the side as he was forcefully slapped, but the stinging one would expect from a slap didn’t come. For a moment Remus wondered if he had been granted a second power of injury immunity, until he felt blood begin to slide down his cheek, a steady flow of drops that was growing and landing on his neck, soaking into his shirt. That was swiftly replaced by the burning pain in his cheek, as the four long slices that began just slightly above his hair and followed a slight diagonal across his face, with one of the slices going through his lip and ending on his chin.
Remus couldn’t help the yell he let out at this at the pain from all three things combined, something he was sure his Pa wouldn’t be too proud of, but at this point he couldn’t help it. Speaking of Pa, a flash of light filled the room and he could hear Pa’s voice. Although the pain all over his body was intense and spiking, he couldn’t help but feel relieved at knowing he was here. He was safe now. Right?
Lyall Lupin, power of Light, glared at Fenrir Greyback. The respectable Ministry working man who was currently hiding his gasps for breath as a result of his rapid journey here, and the killer he had supposedly just arrested who was now in his house with his claws in Lyall’s son.
“You will let him go now, before the Order arrives and the consequences are even worse than they would have been before this.” His voice was commanding and his face was blank. The only betrayal of his emotions was the way his eyes were locked on his boy.
“The only consequences that need to be understood here, Lyall, are the ones you should have considered before ever crossing my path. Let alone bragging about it like the way you did to the other pathetic little ministry worms. I hear everything, you know.” His eyes followed Lyall’s locked gaze to Remus, and sneered. “For example, right now, I can hear little Lupin’s heart beating just about as fast as it can possibly manage. The sound of blood hitting the floor.” Fenrir moved so fast, and before anyone could blink another vicious tear to Remus’s skin was made, from the top of his rip down to the opposite hip. Hope cried out in pain. The power of sensing what others felt was not working in her favour right now.
“Stop.” Lyall’s voice broke. “Please. What do you want?”
Fenrir’s answering grin was far too malicious to be helpful, and his eyes began to glow weirdly. “Too little too late, Lupin. Just remember, it was your actions that caused this. Your boy will now share my burden for life, and it will be all your fault. His power will overflow, and it will hurt in a way you couldn’t even picture in your worst nightmares. He will no longer be your son as you know him.” His hand wrapped around the top of Remus’s head, clenching tight but no claws digging in, and the other one was pushing over his heart. A large beat of power could be felt by all 4 in the room. It pulsed. It pulsed twice. It could be felt 5 times until Fenrir dropped his hands with a groan, before pushing Remus to the floor and sprinting out the still-open front door while Lyall and Hope ran to Remus.
Hope cradled him in her arms, tears flowing freely as she sobbed. Lyall swept the overgrown curls out of his closed eyes as he also choked back a cry. Then Remus eyes shot open and he breathed in a strangled gasp like it physically pained him to do so. His eyes, once a brightening shining green were now a searing beam of light. He began to choke, and his whole body shook. The entire house rattled. Lyall and Hope quickly fled their home with Remus still held safely in their arms, despite his convulsing and dripping blood. The ground began to roar and creak, and a couple metres away from them it split open entirely, stretching for kilometres. All the metal in the house hummed in symphony before shooting out of the structure at incredible speeds and shooting into the sky before exploding from collisions and falling around them. Remus stopped shaking. The ground stopped breaking. His parents cried.
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The next two years felt like a dream. A nightmare. He felt like he was drifting in and out of consciousness, although clearly he was present at the time. Many things happened. He figured out what Greyback meant by “sharing the burden”. The cost of his power being bent from the way it was supposed to be and forcefully tripled in size, every month it would prove to be too much for him, and the powers normally expressed outwards at his control would break loose on their own, often aimed at him. The 3rd month of this happening proved disastrous, as Hope couldn’t deal with leaving her precious boy alone with such agonising pain and resolved to be there to help him through it. Remus couldn’t control anything that happened. He didn’t even remember it. But when he blinked his eyes open in the morning, Pa was sobbing over her cold body. There was blood on the floor again.
Pa tried his best he really did. But losing Hope along with any thoughts of his son having a good life soon proved to be too much for him. He never once again said he was proud of Remus, not after that day. The guilt he felt was too much and began to spill over and be turned into weapons against his son. Blaming Remus, for his excess power. His curse. His burden. Who was he helping by being like this? He was causing nothing but pain.
It all came to a close one day when the Order announced the new “Hero Program.” Training up new heroes from scratch. Just have to pass the power level examination test and you were in. Remus passed with flying colours. His belongings were quickly thrown into a falling apart bag by his Pa and he was then unceremoniously dumped on the Order’s doorstep and scooped into the now-familiar corridors with a rough, “Bye, Remus.”
But, in spite of everything, the world didn’t end. He didn’t collapse. He kept going. He met people. He formed friendships. He met-
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“-lllo? Hello? You there?” There was a hand waving in front of his face. Remus instantly snapped back into reality and startled, jumping from his comfortable position on the rooftop to his feet. At least, he tried to. He appeared to be frozen. Although his chest tightened at the thought of having his movements inhibited he still glared at the person who spoke, noticing the familiar feeling of power usage in the air.
“Relax, it's just me. Telekinesis!” The man smiled slightly as if that would help, making a show of slowly moving his hands to loosen his hold he had on Remus before securing it again as Remus made to move.
“Let me go.” Remus’s eyes narrowed at the other.
“Nahhh.”
“Let me go!” He was too far away from the ground to access his powers effectively. Maybe he should’ve thought through his brooding spot a little more.
“Listen, I’m not here to hurt you in any way, that wouldn’t make sense. I’m somewhat of a hero too, see?” He plucked at his suit he was wearing.
Remus’s eyes narrowed. “Being a vigilante is not the same as being a hero. Some of us here actually follow the law and do good.”
“Pfff, the law is overrated. Besides, think of how much more good I can do when I don’t have to worry about the pesky law and ‘the Order’” This last part was said slightly mockingly, and despite Remus’s own feelings for the establishment, he felt slightly defensive.
“Hey!-” He started, before getting cut off by an exaggerated eye roll and the other man speaking up again.
“Forget I even brought up your precious Order, Lord above knows I can’t hear another word about them right now. And I have no doubt you’re certainly capable of waxing lyrical about them aren’t you, Seismic? The first success in the Hero Program. Their pride and joy.”
Remus felt nauseous. He looked away. He missed the quick flash of complicated emotions on the others face before he sighed softly and slid over to sit beside him. “Look. I’m not here to start a fight. I’m.. I’m sorry. I don’t know anything about the Order. Honestly I just wanted to chat. You’re off the clock now, right?”
He nodded slowly, looking over to meet his eyes. “Yeah, I am.” He answered.
“Good. So, listen, I’m not too keen on keeping my conversation buddies under influence of power, so if I let you go, do you promise to just chill out and stay here with me?”
Remus nodded again, “Sure.”
The feeling of control returning to his limbs was relieving and he finally felt like he could breathe again, although the telekinesis had clearly been careful to avoid anything to do with his breathing.
They sat in silence for a few moments before Remus hummed.
“So… see anything weird on your patrol?” He asked.
He was rewarded with a laugh that then launched into an enthusiastic story, and from there the conversation flowed easily. They talked and talked, until eventually a reminder built into Remus’s suit beeps in warning. His time was up. He stood up slowly with a sigh, ignoring the creak of his bones. He turned to face the vigilante and say his goodbyes.
“Will I ever see you again?” He wondered out loud. Honestly, if the wind wasn’t so insistent on chilling him to the bone he wouldn’t really have known if he was still locked in his memories or not.
The vigilante standing across from his put his hands in his pockets (Pockets, of course his suit had fucking pockets), shrugged sheepishly. “I mean most probably. Not many people you can talk about this hero stuff with, huh? Civilians don’t really get it. Not that they’re supposed to even know, I suppose, but still.”
“I don’t know any civilians.”
The man seemed visibly stumped by that, taken aback for the first time in their conversation. “Oh! That’s, um, something.” He stayed quiet for a few seconds.”Well maybe you should find someone. Talk to someone outside of this small world we’re in.” He turned to leave.
“Wait!” Remus called out, “What’s your name? Vigilante nickname or anything?”
The vigilante smiled.
“Padfoot,” He answered, before tipping off the side of the building and disappearing.
Remus was left standing there, staring at the gap he once was.
“What the fuck is a padfoot?!” He groaned out loud.