Chapter 1
James woke up in the middle of the night panting from a nightmare. Lily, next to him, turned around still sleeping. He stood up and went to the kitchen to fetch himself a drink - a new habit he accumulated since the war started. But now, since he was married to Lily and they had a child on the way, he had to reduce his drinking to midnights only.
He had an uneasy feeling in his chest, as if something terrible was going to happen and no matter how many shots of fire whisky he took, he could not shake it off. But after all, how unusual could this be in the midst of war?
He went out to the balcony and took out a pack of cigarettes out of his hiding spot under the plants - not that his wife disapproved, he felt guilty for smoking himself. So he stood smoking alone in the summer wind. Closing his eyes, he dropped to the ground and started crying from the exhaustion built during the day. He wondered how it was possible that others did not feel that way because as of late he put all of his energy in just going through the day without breaking down.
He tried to remember what his dream was about but only sudden pieces came to his mind - him wearing black, staying close to a cemetery but not going in, people shedding tears, a shattering feeling of a heartbreak. But it could not be someone’s funeral, could it? He would not survive if something happened to Lily or Sirius or Remus or Pete. He took a few deep breaths and headed back to the bedroom stopping in the kitchen for a midnight snack to mask the smell.
‘James?James, come here right now!’ A few hours later he was awakened by Lily’s piercing scream. He had a hunch that something happened during the night but tried to not think about it - maybe Lily found out he was smoking or drinking and was mad about it. But the sound of her voice! A helpless cry.
He jumped from the bed and ran out to the kitchen forgetting about his glasses. There, Lily was sitting at the dining table, a cup of tea in her hand and a copy of Daily Prophet in front of her. Her eyes were full of tears and she got up and hugged him as he entered. He still could not see the whole article his wife was crying about - but he could definitely identify a large moving photograph of a grim young man and big letters saying ‘Black heir’ on the top.
Sirius. Sirius, was his first thought. Could it be? Sirius, whom he just seen a night before and then walked home and then he was still with Remus, how could anything happen to him? Hot tears flushed down his cheeks.
‘Sirius?’ He let out a crying whisper, but Lily only shook her head. He felt a relief, forgetting that there was another Black heir. Was.
He picked up the article, concentrating his sleepy and mostly blind eyes on the article, `the Black heir is dead`.
That made no sense. ‘But Sirius is home. I know he is there, I brought him home yesterday.’ He tried to smile, still wondering what Lily was so upset about. But she shook her head again still crying: ‘it’s his brother, James. Regulus was murdered last night.’
Still not accepting the words he heard, he conjured his glasses and focused on the article - looking at the photo closely, he could recognise Reggie’s face. So similar, almost undistinguishable from Sirius’ except for the short hair and slightly softer features.
‘Reggie is dead?’
‘Yes, poor Sirius. I cannot imagine what the poor dear is going on.’
Sirius. James was always selfish when it came to Reggie. And now, that he was… was dead he could not care less about Sirius. Sirius who has gladly repudiated his family years ago. He would not even care, at least not as deep as James.
So unfair, Padfoot, who practically could not care less and would not shed a tear, was allowed to cry and would get all the sympathy in the world. But he, James, who truly cared about Regulus and loved him so, was not even allowed to suffer out loud - after all, no one ever knew they were connected, so why should he cry about the death of his best friend’s brother?
‘Yeah, I cannot imagine what Padfoot is going through.’ He echoed his wife’s voice without any affection.