Chapter 27
The past week of Lily's life was so far from anything she'd known before.
James had not kissed her since he'd asked her out. But they continued to talk as usual it was strangely comfortable.
She spent mornings with him sometimes talking sometimes reading while she'd lean against her into the couch.
He would walk Lily to classes and make her feel genuinely happy in the moments they'd spend together.
But one thing still remained.
Her body.
Her weight had begun to plateau slightly despite her reduced intake.
On Tuesday night she did something she would instantly regret.
At dinner she sat with James he asked her if she wanted a pudding after she finished her dinner (chicken breast and a half cup of carrots.)
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And in a moment of utter weakness, Lily obliged.
She closed her eyes as she tasted the rich slice of double chocolate cake.
Trying to ignore the number above the plate.
678
The numbers spun around her head but once she had started she couldn't help but finish.
James himself had already eaten his dinner and a slice and a half but Lily knew it wouldn't affect him as it did her.
No matter how much James ate he still stayed strong and toned looking.
It had been so long since she'd had chocolate.
The layers of rich sponge dissolved in her mouth.
Before she knew it she had finished the slice.
Panic set in.
Lily could feel the fat and calories clinging to her body.
Grouping up to make layers of fat.
To make her fat.
She panicked and quickly excused herself.
She hated herself for being weak. Weak mudblood.
You can't even do this right. She cursed herself.
She searched her mind for something anything she could do. And suddenly she remembered her conversations with Emmeline.
She rushed to the girl's lavatory.
It was empty with everyone still at dinner.
She put a silencing charm on the cubicle.
She pointed her wand at her stomach and whispered the charm.
Eructo.
The cake and chicken spewed out of her.
It was utterly disgusting and after a few minutes, Lily was left spitting up bile and cursing herself.
Her head spun and felt light.
The remains of dinner stunk up the toilet bowl and Lily felt completely sick. Swearing to never be so weak again. But at least it got rid of that fullness that taunted her stomach. She felt light and purged of her shame.
On Wednesday she managed to catch Emmeline in the library to ask her about it.
She seemed more reluctant to help Lily.
"Lily I've given you the charm there's not much else I can do." She said cooly.
"Emmeline, please. I need to know how I can lose more weight I can't stand this.
Please just tell me what to do."
Lily was disgusted by how desperate she sounded but the truth was that she was in fact desperate.
She craved nothing more than the lightness of being empty or the little bit of numbness the hunger provided. The things she originally hated now soothed her. But all of it was useless unless the numbers were dropping.
"There's really just the standard stuff." Emmeline shrugged.
"Eat less, exercise maybe smoke if you can it'll kill your appetite."
Lily felt stupid for not thinking of those first.
The magazine had recommended the last two.
"Thanks, Emmeline," Lily said.
"Listen though Lily I can't keep helping you. This shits an addiction. You have and I have it but I can't hold your hand while you go full rexi."
Lily swallowed she knew she was right it was an addiction but Lily wasn't anorexic she wasn't like Emmeline. She had control.
She looked at Emmeline. Ghastly thin. Bones poking through her practically translucent skin.
"How much do you weigh now?" She couldn't help but ask.
"92"
Lily was instantly jealous of the low number. She knew it was wrong. She liked Emmeline. Before her addiction to this thing, she was always a lovely girl.
Lily knew this wasn't healthy.
They both knew that.
And yet she couldn't help but envy her.
After that, Lily took up running. Any time she could get free from classes or her friends or James she'd spend sprinting around the grounds. Usually in areas no one would see her in. Since everyone has been acting weird lately. Since she had gotten changed in front of Mary and Marlene they had been encouraging her to eat more. And she was quickly running out of excuses. James was no better honestly. Bringing her milky tea in the common room.
But Snape's words went around in her head.
"Big"
"You're not blind Potter"
"ballooned up enough!"
Something about the exertion of running silenced his words. Lily knew he was right. She was disgusting. Now James had probably noticed as well after what Snape had said. She was desperate to be better.
James was too kind lying to her like that in the forest. Surely he knew she wasn't stupid enough to believe it though?
By Saturday morning Lily practically leaped for joy when the scale read.
100lb
The running had worked she had to keep going.
She checked herself as usual.
She saw Snape's words personified in her reflection.
A chubby big ballooned up redhead girl stared back at her.
During a run that day she found Remus smoking by the tree.
She knew she shouldn't have, but she would do anything to stop seeing that chubby redheaded girl. So when she saw the pack of cigarettes, she asked for one.
Remus had mentioned James had cursed Mulciber and Snape. Lily wasn't sure how to explain the incident to Remus without mentioning how insecure she was about the comments made.
And so when he finally did ask. Lily ran away.
It was becoming a pretty bad habit at this point but it seemed the safest bet.
She had vowed to get better at hiding this, this thing. She was only trying to lose weight after all. It wasn't a big deal. Loads of girls diet. But still, she knew she had to hide it from her friends. Bc somewhere deep down.
Lily knew Emmeline was right.
Sunday was spent mostly exercising.
Lily spent 2 hours running after "breakfast" (Black coffee with one sugar and a small green apple).
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James had Quidditch most of the day but he told Lily he'd spend the afternoon with her.
Marlene was training as well and Mary was out on the grounds with Fabien Prewitt.
Lily was left to indulge in her exercise just a little more.
She ran another hour before heading back to the dorm.
After her first cigarette the other day she had avoided Remus.
Luckily he wasn't the only student who smoked.
She had traded a care package of muggle sweets sent from home with a 4th year Ravenclaw for two packs of Marlboro reds.
It was a two-birds-with-one-stone situation as the care package was beginning to tempt Lily slightly.
She sat by the open dorm window and ran through 2 cigarettes by the second she hated the taste a little less and the smoke filled her enough to skip dinner altogether.
She doused herself in perfume and changed into a pair of jeans and a jumper before going to meet James after dinner.
Lily saw no change in her body still, but her jeans were falling off her hips and the belt at its tightest hole barely helped. She sighed not happy with the progress as she knew she still didn't actually look different.
She waited in the common room as the Gryfindors rolled in after their meal.
James smiled as he saw her.
"Didn't see you at dinner," He said. Walking up to her.
"Oh I had a late lunch" She excused herself.
Liar you Skipped lunch.
"Oh all right" James paused "you smell nice."
Lily laughed at the awkward compliment.
"Thanks, Potter."
James blushed and ran a hand through his hair.
"It's kinda crowded in here do you maybe want to go on a walk with me?"
"Sounds nice." Lily smiled.
James looked so good tonight. She still found it bizarre that someone like him could genuinely like her.
She stared into his gentle brown eyes in the soft light of the common room.
And the way that light shone on his golden taupe skin. How his soft hair fell effortlessly, the gentle comfort he brought with his smile.
James guided Lily out of the common room and produced a familiar map as they left the common area.
"I solemnly swear I am up to no good" He tapped the parchment with his wand and it came to life in his hand.