Chapter 4
James doesn’t know what happened. He really tried to stop it but it’s gotten so loud. When he’s home he knows how to handle it, not well but he can deal with it. Cut out the voice and give it what it wants, even if he can’t fully give in to the temptation. Now he just doesn’t care, he’ll do anything, he just needs it to stop. His hands are shaking and his fingers are twitching he can’t look in the mirror. This wasn’t supposed to happen now, he’s supposed to be better than this. He’s here for Sirius. He’s the top priority here it doesn’t matter what James wants. None of it matters.
It would be better if he wasn’t here. That’s the truth of it. Sirius is worse because of him, he keeps doing the wrong thing. Making the wrong choices. He thought he was helping but really all he thinks he’s being is a burden. He should leave but he knows he has to stay. Sirius can’t be alone, but that’s all he wants to be. He doesn’t want James here, he knows it. Especially not now. He’s being no help to him trapped in the bathroom because he can’t breathe. It would be better if he was gone. That’s what the voice in his head is telling him anyway. Over and over it doesn’t stop. It’s gotten so loud he should probably just listen to it. Anything to get it quiet. He’s not even sorry anymore, he used to be. Now he’s just tired. He needs it gone.
He already turned all the lights off and taken off his glasses. He’s clamped his eyes so tight he swears he’ll never see again but none of it is helping. He’s resorted to being curled up against the wall scratching at his arms because there’s no other option. He knows it’s been too long. He knows he should head back out there before Sirius grows worried. He can’t have him notice him slipping away. It’s better to sit out there in silence. His chest will still hurt but at least he knows he’s doing what he should.
“James?” Sirius's voice rings out, “Are you alright?”
He freezes, biting the inside of his cheek. It’s fine. He’ll just say he’s fine and Sirius will go away. He’ll dry his face and go out and act like everything is okay. He’s not even sure how long it’s been. He’ll come up with an excuse. He just needs to talk. It’s always harder when he gets like this. The door handle starts to shake and he has to bite back a whine.
“Jamie, come on. Open the door,” it jiggles again, “Please.”
He’s worried. James made Sirius upset, and that’s not fair. That’s not what he came here to do, he came here to help him. It would be better if he was dead. Sirius wouldn’t be worried if he was dead. His hands are shaking again, he wasn’t getting better but he was almost alright. He feels like he’s swallowed his heart, he can feel it in his throat he can’t get passed it.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. It would be better if he was dead. This wasn’t supposed to happen. It would be better if he was dead. This wasn’t supposed to happen. It would be better if he was dead. This wasn’t supposed to happen. It would be better if he was dead. This wasn’t supposed to happen. It would be better if he was dead. This wasn’t supposed to happen. It would be better if he was dead. This wasn’t supposed to happen. It would be better if he was dead. This wasn’t supposed to happen. It would be better if he was dead. This wasn’t supposed to happen. How’d he let this happen?
“C-can you open the door? Please, James, I ju-just want to help,” Sirius is upset. James did that. “We can just sit here, that’s okay. Just, please, let me know you’re here.”
Sirius needs him to talk. He needs him to answer, but he can’t. He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. He can feel the words sitting on the tip of his tongue but he can’t push passed his heart. He would apologize if he could. He’s not sorry, but he’s also sorry about a lot of things. His head is all messed up he doesn’t get it. He places his head between his knees and thinks about calling Regulus. He doesn’t want to bother him, even if he brought his phone with him. He would probably come home, he doesn’t like James to be alone when he gets like this. Not that he’s alone, he has Sirius. He can push through for him, he just can’t talk. He can’t really do anything. He’s trying his hardest and it’s never enough. He takes another breath. It’s shaky but at least he’s still breathing, he’s still got a beating heart. He’s not even sure if he’s happy about that, but at least he’s trying.
Sirius keeps talking to him but he hardly hears a thing. It’s all muffled. The longer it gets the harder it is to hear. The harder it is to do anything really. His eyes fall but he doesn’t sleep, he can’t go down that easy. He’s still in his head, repeating the same dead tune. It would be better if he—He bites his tongue harder, it stings but it’s better than everything in his head.
He can’t really stop it when it gets like this no matter how hard he tries. There’s only one solution but he can’t really do it here. He needs to find a place no one would see him, or crash his car. A mystery or an accident, make it look like it wasn’t his fault at all. Not that he’s thought about it too much. Well, he has but he doesn’t have a plan. He’s stopped himself before he could get one, or at least Regulus has anyway. He can’t depend on him though. It’s gotten to be so much lately. James needs him for everything it seems it. Regulus can’t even go out for a few days without James turning into a mess just for him to fix. It’s not fair to him. He wishes he could be better but he fears this is the best version of himself. There is nothing else. This is it.
There are tear stains on his face but he can’t remember crying it’s making his eyelashes clump. He can still feel Sirius through the outside of the door, he hasn’t left, and he’s not sure what time it is by now. It can’t be comfortable out there. James should’ve just gone home, or at the very least stayed out in the living room. He’s good at doing what he has to do. He could’ve survived for a few more hours at least and gone to sleep early. It would’ve been fine. His head hurts.
He would leave if he could get up. He knows he’ll have to do it eventually. Walk out and act like everything is fine, but that’s the thing all the walls have come down now. He can’t hide it. There’s no sensible reason why he’d be in the bathroom this long. He’s not even sure how much time he’d have to cover for. Not to mention how red his face must be now. He can’t just lock it back up again. Sirius will ask questions and James is just so tired now, he doesn’t know how to answer them. He doesn’t even feel anything anymore, he’s all wasted. He can’t feel pain. He wonders if he can even still bleed. His fingers twitch but he knows he shouldn’t. He can’t. Not here. He’ll be home eventually. He hates that he wants to go back there. It’s such a selfish thought to have. Sirius needs him here so he’ll stay. He just needs to get up off the floor first. He knows he’ll be waiting for a long time.
He knocks his head against the back wall but he doesn’t feel anything, strangely enough. He knows it should hurt. He should feel a dull pain curl around his head but there’s nothing. He almost does it again but he knows Sirius will hear him if he does. He hasn’t said anything in a while but James knows he’s still out there. He loves him, but every time he talks James is just set back. He wants to be there for him but he needs to be alone first. He needs to fix his broken aches in the only way he knows how. It’s not a very good way, but it’s all he knows.
It’s been so long though, and he hasn’t fixed anything yet. He feels himself melt into the background of whatever picture he’s painting. He’s melting into the floor. He’s something else, and he’s nothing. He’s nothing. He feels nothing. He knows nothing. And that’s all drowning really is. Nothing. Nothing to worry about. Nothing to be afraid of. It’s not like he’s constantly treading water anymore. He gave up on that a long time ago. He’s just here, but he’s nowhere at the very same time. He’s in and out. In and out. In and—
“James? Baby?”
Regulus. It hasn’t even been that long, they called this morning but he’s missed him. He shouldn’t be here. He’s probably asleep. It’s better than being awake. Regulus is still with Pandora. He can’t be here. No matter how much James wants to see him it’s better that he’s gone. He should be enjoying his time, he can’t do that with James. Not now anyway.
“Can you open the door for me?” His voice sounds so real, so tender. James doesn’t deserve any of it. “We can go home,” he murmurs. “I’ll let you pick any of those stupid movies you wanna watch before we go to sleep. I’ll only complain a little.”
James almost laughs. Always an almost with him. He’s never quite there. He’s always one step behind, trailing after everyone in their path through life. He’s never been good at always picking the easy path, that’s his main problem. He always makes everything worse somehow. It’s how he ended up here. He’s not sure where Sirius went. He knows he’s the one who called Regulus. He’d thank him if he could talk, if he knew what to do.
“Can you unlock the door?” He asks again.
Regulus is asking him to. He can do it for Regulus. He should’ve done it for Sirius too. Guilt eats away at his chest as he leans over and lets the door click open. Maybe that’s his mistake. He just doesn’t know what else to do. Regulus isn’t real anyway. He’s just made up in his head.
Except he’s rushing into the room and dropping on his knees in front of him, holding his hands against his face and drying away his tears. He looks like an angel even if he looks like a mess. Not in a bad way, he just looks like he left in a hurry is all. That’s James fault, isn’t it? He hates that it’s all his fault.
“Hi,” Regulus says softly, there’s a certain voice he uses when James gets like this. He doesn’t even think he knows he’s doing it, but James knows. He can tell. It doesn’t make it worse, but it doesn’t make it better either. He’s always the same. “I missed you.”
James doesn’t talk. He can’t. Regulus knows. He always does.
“Between us, Pandora was kinda driving me crazy,” he whispers. “You actually saved me.”
James knows he’s lying but he can’t argue with him. He’s using it against him. He can barely even see him really, his eyes are all hazy, and he’s not sure why that is.
A beat passes and Regulus kisses his forehead like he’s breakable. James wants to be wrapped around him. He wants to crawl into his chest and not find a way out. He wants everything and he wants nothing. He waits for death but finds only life instead.
“You ready to go home?”
James wants to ask after Sirius. He shouldn’t be left alone. That’s why he came here. That’s all he was supposed to do and he can’t even do that. He finds himself standing anyway, with the help of Regulus anyway to be led out of the door. His limbs feel like lead, he’s not strong enough to hold them up. Everything is clear now, he hears every word. It’s a curse, really. It’s not that he likes the silence, but his chest hurts too much already.
They reach the front door before stopping, and James can’t even look back at Sirius he’s stuck on the floor. He can’t see him. He knows what he’ll find. He probably hates him now. He saw too much and he’ll run off scared. James can’t even blame him. He wouldn’t deal with himself either if he could prevent it. He’s just glad he doesn’t have his glasses on, everything just blurs together.
“I’m going to take him home. Thank you for calling and for being here when I wasn’t,” Regulus says, and James’ breath falters. It’s not fair. “Are you going to be alright?”
No, James wants to say. He’s not fine and it’s his fault. He almost wants to ask Regulus to stay with Sirius. He can go home on his own, he’ll be fine. Better actually. Everything will be better.
“Mhm. Let me know how he is, yeah?” Sirius's voice is hoarse and James can’t stand it. He did that.
“Yeah. I’ve got him now, it’s okay. You don’t—Just text me if you need anything. Please.”
James almost says something. Almost, but he’s already being lulled through the door. Regulus keeps his hand in his, as if he’ll run if given the option. He doesn’t trust himself not to run, or at least sit on the curb and wait for something that’ll never come. Regulus has to open the door for him, he’s useless, and he’s not sure why he keeps him around.
“Did you want to stop and get something to eat?” Regulus asks as he turns the car on. “We can bring it home for later if you want.”
James knows he should answer. They don’t have that much in the house, at least not something they don’t have to cook anyway. He hasn’t eaten in a while. He’s not sure when it got dark, he knows he should be hungry but he’s not. He doesn’t feel anything. He manages to shake his head.
“That’s okay, we can go straight home.”
They should stay. Regulus should stay. He still doesn’t say anything. He knows he should. They could at least call Remus, and make sure he’s coming home soon. Sirius shouldn’t be alone.
They don’t talk on the drive home, and James prefers it he knows Regulus knows that too. He hates questions, especially when he gets like this. He can’t talk, he’s swallowed his tongue. It’s better to not talk at all, it puts some of the guilt away. It’s not that far of a distance anyway, everything kind of blurs until they’re home. Regulus is already shutting the car off. James tells his legs to move to step out of the car but he can’t. He has to wait for Regulus to walk to the other side.
As soon as he steps out he stops, no matter if Regulus is pulling on him, “What is it?”
James looks over to the trunk, and that’s all it takes.
“Oh, I didn’t bring any,” Regulus answers. “Pandora is bringing it when she gets back.”
James’ chest drops, that’s not fair. Regulus wasn’t supposed to leave in a rush. He was supposed to enjoy his holiday. No matter what he says James knows he was enjoying himself. He could walk around without an extra limb hanging onto him. He was supposed to have a good time. He loves him here, but James almost wishes he stayed. He’s not angry with Sirius for calling, he understands why he did it. He just didn’t want this to happen this time. He swore he would be fine.
“Come on,” Regulus says softly, tugging on his arm.
James follows this time, bending to him like putty in his hands. Even when they’re inside he’s still standing next to him, not knowing how to move on his own. He wants to go back on the floor. He wants to lock himself in the bathroom even if it’s a bad idea.
“Did you want to watch something?” Regulus asks, taking off his shoes and motioning for James to do the same. “It’s still early.”
They’ve been together for long enough that Regulus always knows what James wants. He knows when James needs it quiet and when he needs the noise. When he wants to talk and when he wants to lie in silence. He’s good about switching between the two with seemingly no notice. James should be comforted by it, but he just feels awful. It’s not fair that they’ve gone through this enough times so Regulus will just know. It’s not supposed to be like this. He’d lighten up and go back to his normal self if he could. He nods.
He asks a few more questions while he leads him over to the couch, all yes and no, and none he has to really think too hard about. He asks if he wants to be the one to pick the movie. If he wants to change into different clothes. If he wants something to eat or drink. Simple stuff. James would feel stupid about it if he doesn't know it’s all he can handle. Regulus gives him a blanket before walking off to the bedroom to change, he’s not gone that long, five minutes at most. James doesn’t really do anything, his mind is empty. He knows it’s a bad sign when he completely shuts down. He doesn’t think, he doesn’t talk, all his energy is used to breathe. He’s gotten really bad, but he finds relief in it. At least the thoughts have stopped.
“You wanna watch what we started before I left?” Regulus asks as he pads into the room, slipping to the end of the couch. He’s good at pretending things are normal. The world isn’t ending, it’s like any other day. It’s nice if James doesn’t think about it too much. “I think we have a few episodes left.”
James shuffles to lean his head on his lap, slipping under the covers until they’re up to his chin. He knows he won’t really be able to focus on it. They’ll have to watch it over again later, but he doesn’t mind. He just needs the noise.
As soon as it’s on Regulus starts gently running his hands through his hair, but he can’t react. He just stares straight at the TV. He can hear it, but he can’t understand any of the words. He still doesn’t have his glasses on so he can hardly see the people nevertheless the captions, but it’s fine. He doesn’t need to see, he prefers it this way anyway. His eyes start to droop after a while, and he curls further into Regulus' lap. He knows this can’t be too comfortable for him, and he doesn’t want to make it any worse for him but he can’t move. He can’t really do anything.
He falls in and out of sleep but he can’t really tell the difference between that and being awake. It’s all a struggle, no matter if he’s slipped away or not. His head is too heavy and his chest aches. Sleeping normally helps with it, but it’s still there. Rotting away his heart and filling his lungs. He might die like this, he doesn’t even think he’d be that upset about it. It would be fine either way.
He’s not sure how long they stay out in the living room, without thoughts it’s hard to keep track of it all. Minutes feel like hours, and hours feel like seconds. There’s not really a way to measure it. He’s sure Regulus knows. He trusts him to tell him when to get up. He doesn’t think he puts too much trust in him. Regulus could do anything he wants and James would probably thank him for it. He doesn’t think that’s wrong, he just wishes Regulus didn’t have to do everything. It’s not all give and not take, of course. Regulus has bad days too and normally James is well enough to take care of him. He’ll cook even if he ends up burning it, and clean up the house so Regulus doesn’t have to worry about it. He’ll lay in bed with him if that’s what he wants, or let him talk out any bad days at work until it’s all out of his system. He’s there for him too, he just wishes he could be there for him more.
He hates being like this, he feels like there hasn’t been an end recently. Every time he gets better he slips right back here. Each time it gets worse, he can’t stop it. No matter how badly he tries or new tricks he plays out it never does anything. He’s always fucking trying but he’s never enough. There’s no point to any of it. He wants to be better for Regulus, but he can’t trust himself to actually get it done. He swore he would be different this time but he’s ended up where he’s always been. Being an inconvenience to Regulus, and showing too much of himself again. Sirius hates him. Regulus is annoyed by him. He’s surprised they even tolerate him by now. He doesn’t deserve either of them. It would be better if he was—
“Do you wanna go to the room?” Regulus asks, kissing the top of his head.
He doesn’t deserve any of this. It’s too much. Regulus is doing too much, James doesn’t get it. How can he not see how far from saving he is? He’s trying to save a drowned man, pushing down on his chest as if it’ll get his heart started up again. He can’t even tell him he’s swallowed it. He can’t tell him there’s no point in helping him. He’ll just end up like this again. He wants to apologize again. Say it over and over until it sticks. Regulus always says he doesn’t need to, but he doesn’t believe him. Regulus is everything, James doesn’t know why he’s settling for him. He’s nothing. He’s always been nothing. He used to be able to pretend to be something else. He could put on a face and hide all his old scars but he was always destined to end up here. This is all he really is. Nothing.
Regulus pushes him up until he’s sitting, the blanket is still wrapped around his shoulders as he blinks. The room doesn’t come into focus, and he doesn’t even bother to look around. There’s nothing to see. Plus there’s a mirror just down the hall, he can’t catch a glimpse of it. He knows he’ll already have to go to the bathroom, that’s another mountain to climb.
He has his routine though, and Regulus knows this. He can’t go to sleep without it, at least not well. If he were different maybe it would be easier. If he wasn’t so obsessed with routine. Regulus leads him into the bathroom, keeping the lights off. It’s better, but he can still see the shadow standing in front of him. He can still see the ghost in the mirror. He knows it’s supposed to be him, but he’s not sure he’s real anymore. His reflection is only a figment of his overactive mind. It’s shaped into a blob that looks a little like him, but he knows it’s not true. He doesn’t exist at all.
“We went to a little cafe this morning,” Regulus says, pulling him away from the mirror. “There were a few cats wandering around, and Pandora always carries catnip around,” he pauses, “Yeah I don’t know either. So we got all of them to sit around our table while we ate, it pissed everyone off.”
James knows what he’s doing, but he’d be lying if he said it wasn’t working. He’s looking at him now, through the dark that is. He’s setting up their toothbrushes as he talks, “I would take you but you’d probably just end up adopting all of them.” Quickly he adds, “And no we can’t get a cat.”
James manages to pout, and Regulus laughs softly. A moment of peace breaking through.
He manages to not look in the mirror again. It’s the little things. It doesn’t take them that much longer to get in bed, no matter how tired he is James knows it’ll take a while for him to sleep. He wants to slip away so badly, but sleep is never good enough.
Regulus guides him over to his arms, wrapping himself around him. James doesn’t protest, he falls easily.
“I love you,” Regulus says, and James eyes sting. He’s not even sure why. He just feels guilty.
A long time passes, and James knows Regulus isn’t expecting anything. Not when he gets like this, but he can’t leave it like that. “I love you,” he murmurs, taking a shaky breath.
Regulus kisses the top of his head, a prize for a stupid victory. James feels useless. It takes even longer to fall asleep than he thought it would. It doesn’t last very long though, it never seems to. He’s up at all hours of the night, even after Regulus has drifted off. He watches the rise and fall of his chest thinking it’ll lull him back to restless sleep, but it doesn’t do anything. He thinks of Sirius instead. He’s sleeping alone tonight. He doesn’t have anyone to comfort him. Does he blame James for that? Is he happy he’s out of the house?
Carefully James slides from Regulus’ arms, making sure he doesn’t wake. He doesn’t get out of bed. He knows Regulus will wake up if the mattress dips, and he’s got a little bit of clarity. He knows it’s a bad idea to get up. There are only a few places he could go and none of them are great options. So he stays to listen to Regulus breathe, and stare at the ceiling until his head stops spinning. He doesn’t have much hope of it though.
His thoughts start out okay enough. He’s worried about Sirius, wondering if he’s sleeping right now. He wants him to be. He deserves a good night's sleep. He deserves a lot of things. It stays like that for a while, a calm tide lulling him. He thinks about texting him in the morning, or getting Regulus to go over and check on him. He’s in between being asleep and awake again, it’s a strange peace, and his body’s still shut down. It’s hard to push out of it, he doesn’t want to push out of it. It’s better where nothing exists, not even him. He’ll happily drown if he doesn’t have to look at the light while he does it. It’ll be quicker than falling asleep, but he doesn’t fall asleep he’s still awake. His brain starts to whir back to life and he’s not sure how to stop it. So he lets it spin.
He went over to Sirius to help him and only became a burden. He didn’t do one thing right the entire time, no matter how much he tried. That’s the thing, he’s always trying and it’s never good enough. He’s never good enough. Even on his good days, when he knows how to say the right things it’s not enough. He’ll fall right back here a dead animal on the side of the road. Never seeing the warning signs until it’s too late. Maybe if he never showed up Sirius would’ve been okay. If he put him in bed and made everything neat and left in the morning. He could’ve given him space. He could’ve called Remus. Sirius called Regulus for him but he didn’t call Remus. What was he thinking? He wasn’t really thinking. He can’t think. He can’t do anything.
His chest is heavy he feels as if he’ll fall through the bed right to the floor underneath. The thoughts are back and he’s not sure how to stop them. He never tries anymore. They can take over his entire self and he’ll let them. He’s drowning what choice does he have? He doesn’t have enough air to manage to scream anymore.
If he died it wouldn’t matter. If he died it wouldn’t matter. If he died it wouldn’t matter. If he died it wouldn’t matter. If he died it wouldn’t matter. If he died it wouldn’t matter. If he died it wouldn’t matter. If he died it wouldn’t matter. If he died it wouldn’t matter. If he died it wouldn’t matter. If he died it wouldn’t matter. If he died it wouldn’t matter. If he died it wouldn’t matter. If he died it wouldn’t matter. If he died it wouldn’t matter.
“Baby?”
How does he do that? How does he always know when it’s the right thing to say something? That’s not fair. James doesn’t deserve all of that. It would be better if he—
“Hey,” Regulus shifts until he catches his eye.
It’s only when Regulus collects his hands that he realizes he’s shaking. He feels his throat close up. Oh.
“You’re okay,” he says, “You’re with me.”
He doesn’t know how to do this anymore. He doesn’t think he can. He’s stuck this way. He was trying so fucking hard. Regulus puts James’ hand on his chest, he can feel the air in his lungs.
“Follow me, okay?”
He tries, he really does. He hiccups every time he manages to keep a deep breath, but it’s fine. He’s fine. He’ll be fine. Regulus is holding him together somehow, and he’s not slipping through his fingers. He’s not sure how. He feels like water. It takes a long time for his breathing to even out and his heart to give it a rest, but Regulus stays through it all. Talking with him softly to distract him and wiping away any tears that fall. It’s late. James woke him up.
“Sorry,” he knocks out of his chest, “I didn’t…“
“It’s okay,” Regulus leans his forehead against his, "You should’ve woken me up.”
James shakes his head, “I don’t know what happened.”
“That’s okay too,” he says, “You don’t need a reason.”
He’s tired. It’s all hitting him now. His head falls to his shoulder, burying his head in his neck. He feels his limbs give out. It’s a dull ache, but he’s used to it.
Regulus keeps his hands on his face as he puts them back into a more comfortable position. “Sleep,” he whispers, “It’ll be okay, I’ve got you.”
James is too tired to argue with him, he knows he probably should. He can’t feel any guilt, he can’t feel anything, so he sleeps instead.
He doesn’t dream. It’s like he’s not even there. He’s in his ocean without any light. Floating through the emptiness without being thrown about. He’s perfectly floating surrounded by it all. For a moment he can breathe, it all feels okay. A temporary solution to a permanent solution, but it's enough for now. He’ll take what he can get. He’s in no place to barter.
Though morning does come eventually and James isn’t ready when it does. He doesn’t even open his eyes at first, trying to fall back into the haze. It’s much easier being there. He’s still on Regulus’ chest, and he can tell he’s awake by the rise of his chest. James should be awake with him, or at least get off of him so he can go on with his day. He’s still off work for a few more days, he took off for the holiday. The one James cut short. He would tell him to go back if he thought he’d actually listen to him. He knows he won’t be allowed to be alone for days now. It’s not that he wants to be alone. He knows he shouldn’t trust himself, but he doesn’t want Regulus to be forced to stay around him. He wants him to be able to do anything he wants without worrying about him.
Regulus doesn’t say anything, but he knows James is awake. On mornings like this, it’s easier to just let him pretend. James can be asleep for a little while longer even if he’s coherent enough to speak. They stay like that for a while, probably too long. James hates being unproductive and he’s got plenty of things to do for work. He knows he won’t be able to get out of bed today though, he hates it. At least when he’s working he can pretend everything is fine. Come home after the day and greet Regulus in the kitchen. Make dinner while discussing their days like any other couple. Everything is fine. He’s fine.
He rolls over after a while, landing on the pillows instead. His mind is shut off again, at least that’s something.
“Morning,” Regulus mumbles, kissing the side of his face.
Strangely James doesn’t feel it. He can’t. He manages to open his eyes and have them adjust to the dark room. He wants to close them again. He can’t do this again. It’s always a never-ending cycle. He never gets what he wants.
“Hi,” Regulus says as soon as their eyes meet.
“Hi,” James croaks. At least he can talk, that’s something.
Regulus runs his hands through his hair softly, it’s always his default, James leans into it following his hand. “How are you feeling?”
It’s James’ least favorite question but he knows why Regulus is asking it, he doesn’t blame him. He just wants to ignore it all. He wants to lock it away and never think about it again. He’s fine, there’s nothing for him to worry about. He’s dealt with it before and he’ll deal with it again. It’s really nothing.
He hums, “Okay.”
It’s not like Regulus would get it, or at least that’s what the voices say anyway. James didn’t get it either until it happened. He could never imagine why a person would want to die. He was terrified by the very idea of it, he had so much more to give. He couldn’t figure out why someone could slip that far down and even consider it. Then he got there, to the bottom of it all. He gets it now. Regulus wouldn’t and he doesn’t want him to. He can’t explain it to him, he just has to know. It’s better that he doesn’t. James doesn’t like being alone in it but he doesn’t want anyone with him. It’ll be fine. He’s dealt with the thoughts before, and no matter how many times they’ve wrong out he’s never done anything. He’s thought about it but that’s not exactly the same thing.
Regulus doesn’t believe him, but it’s okay he didn’t expect him to, “Are you hungry? I can make you something?”
He wants to tell him he doesn’t have to take care of him but he knows that won’t go well. “I’m not hungry.”
“Okay,” Regulus whispers, “We can just stay here for a while.”
“You don’t—“
Regulus gives him a pointed look, “You’re stuck with me. Do you wanna watch something?”
James sighs, “Okay.”
He doesn’t really want to watch something but he should probably use the background sound. He’s not an idiot for thinking the thoughts won’t pick back up any second now. It’ll be fine either way.
Regulus puts on a show they’ve seen a hundred times before, but James doesn’t really pay attention to it. He goes in and out most of the day, fighting between being asleep and awake. He doesn’t give himself a chance to think, it’s better that way. Regulus stays the entire time, if he gets up it’s not while James is awake. At some point he makes him try to eat something, even if it scratches at his throat. He just doesn’t have an appetite anymore, he never does when he gets like this. Regulus knows that. He gives him something light. James only really eats it to keep him happy. He’d do anything he wants him to.
Though he doesn’t ask for much. He lets James rot without even saying anything. He still finds a way to feel guilty though. He’s not awake enough for it to become anything more than a dull ache. His head hurts every time he opens his eyes and Regulus gives him something for it but it’s not enough. He needs something stronger. He can’t tell him that though. He wouldn’t let him be alone for weeks if he did.
It takes almost the full day for him to think about Sirius again. He hates that, but he was asleep most of the day, and the rest of his mind was off. He barely spoke, and hardly listened to anything Regulus was telling him. He couldn’t focus. He knows Remus isn’t home, so Sirius is alone and that’s not good. James doesn’t want him to be alone, not if it’s like how it was yesterday. It makes his chest hurt even more than before.
“Reg,” he croaks, he’s lying by himself now. Regulus is over by the bathroom counter, he took a shower, but he kept the door open so he could hear if James did anything. He said it was in case he needed something, but James knows better. He doesn’t even trust him to be alone for twenty minutes. There’s a bitter taste in the back of his throat that won’t go away. He wouldn’t trust himself either, that’s the worst part. He knows why he’s doing it.
“Yeah?” He walks over to the doorway, scrunching his hair in a towel.
“I—“ He’s not even sure if he should tell him, that’s the thing. Would Sirius hate him if he did? He would tell Remus directly but he doesn’t know where his phone is, and he’s still a while away. Someone should check on Sirius now, and Regulus is the only one close enough who can. It’ll only take ten minutes. “Can you go check on Sirius?”
Regulus falters, “What?”
“I just don’t think he should be alone right now,” he says, hiding his shaking hands under the covers. “And Remus is gone so I just—“
Regulus drops the towel on the counter before moving across the room for his phone, “I’ll text Remus.”
“I think you should go over there,” James says. “Remus won’t be able to get back for a while.”
Regulus looks over at him, worry falling over his eyes. He’s conflicted, he’s not sure who to choose. James would promise to sleep if he knew he'd mean it. “I’m not leaving you here.”
“I’m fine.” Liar.
“It’ll be okay,” Regulus reassures, despite his tight voice. “Remus will be there soon.”
Maybe he should’ve told him earlier in the day. It could’ve been fixed earlier. James was asleep then Regulus would’ve gone over. It’s his fault again. He made the wrong choice, he did the wrong thing. If he wasn’t here Regulus would go over to Sirius in a heartbeat. He would’ve stayed with him last night. Sirius would be the one being taken care of. That’s how it should be. James is the only thing wrong in the equation. It’s the only thing needing to be fixed. He could fix it if he had time alone. He knows he could.
“Okay,” he whispers, slipping further into the bed. There’s nothing else for him to do. He’s stuck. There’s only one solution for it. He’s not going to do it, at least he doesn’t think so anyway.
The rest of the night is much of the same. James lies in bed only getting up when Regulus hands him a plate for dinner. He eats a third of it before putting it on the nightstand. The show keeps playing in the background but it’s all hazy. He looks at the man on the other side of the mirror accidentally after walking into the bathroom and Regulus has to drag him out. The cycle continues. Again and again, it’s never-ending. It’s fine. He sleeps the rest of the time anyway. He can’t think if he’s asleep. So it’s better. Everything is better.
He doesn’t sleep through the night but he doesn’t leave the bed either. He stares at the ceiling. He looks over at Regulus' phone on the nightstand, it hasn’t gone off but Remus got home. He told them Sirius was all alright, but James still needs to see for himself. He can’t go to him. Sirius wouldn’t want him there, but he’s thinking about him. That has to count for something. He wants to help. He would if he could. It’s not enough but it’s something maybe.
He’s in his head all of the second day too but it’s the same as the first. He lies in bed and eats a few bites of whatever Regulus gives him. He lies around some more. He stares at the man in the mirror until Regulus drags him away. He sits back in bed and watches the ceiling spin. Regulus asks if he wants to talk about it and the voice in his head tells him he won’t get it so he shakes his head. He lies in bed and eats a few bites of whatever Regulus gives him. He lies around some more. He stares at the man in the mirror and swears he looks different. Regulus puts him in the living room to get away from it as if a change of scenery will help him. He listens to him talk about everything and anything. He lies around again. It’s all the same. There’s never anything different. He hardly talks through it. There’s nothing to say. Nothing that he wants Regulus to know anyway.
It’s the third day when Regulus starts asking more of him. He knew it was going to come eventually, he can’t stay like this forever. If Regulus waited until he did it himself he’d be waiting a long time. He takes a shower with him, taking the time to wash out his hair. James wants to argue and tell him he can do it himself but all his energy is washed up. It shouldn’t be, he hasn’t even done anything. He knows he has tasks though, and they’re piling up with all these days of doing nothing. He doesn’t do them. He lies on the couch after and waits for Regulus to wash the sheets. He says it’ll help but he’s not sure. He still thinks he’ll be like this forever. No matter how much time passes he’ll always end up back here. Nothings new.
On the fourth day, he feels better, like clockwork. He gets out of bed by himself and manages to eat in the kitchen. He can go into the bathroom without being stuck in the mirror. He does work for a little bit, not too much Regulus makes sure he takes breaks. He can’t use all his energy at once. He hates having to conserve it like this but if he didn’t he’d have nothing.
The fifth day is good. He gets up before Regulus and manages to cook something. Pancakes are the only thing he really knows how to cook without burning it and they turn out alright. Regulus smiles when he’s coming out of the bedroom, it’s a good sign. He’s doing fine. Everything is falling back into place. It’s not that he’ll be like this forever, he knows that. The nights are still hard. His chest hurts right before bed, and he doesn’t talk as much. He’s not healed. He’s not better, but at least he can breathe a little. He’s working on editing some photos for work when Regulus tells him he’s heading over to Sirius’ for a bit to check on him. He promises he won’t be gone long. James should be working for a few more hours, so really it shouldn’t matter. He kisses him before he goes and promises to call him if anything happens. He really doesn’t think anything will. He’s been fine all day.
Then he meets with the man in the mirror again.
He’s not even sure why he came back here. He had no reason to. He was doing work. He had hours of it to do he’d barely made a dent, but his feet carried him here. He doesn’t know why. He feels the ache back in his chest. He should call Regulus but he doesn’t want to bother him. It’s hardly been any time at all since he left. James can’t keep doing this every time he goes away, that’s not fair to him. It feels like a punishment, but his fingers are twitching.
He looks in the mirror and he hates what he sees. It doesn’t look like him but he knows that’s exactly who it is. He’s the man in the mirror. He’s the reason he’s stuck. He can’t cut away from him no matter how hard he tries. This is who he is. That’s not fair. He wants a new shadow. He can’t do this anymore.
He’s not sure why he’s digging through the cabinet but he’s there now. Regulus is good at hiding things but James is too. He’s not proud of it. He hates himself for it. He hates himself for a lot of things, but it doesn’t matter now. The blade's already in his hands. He’s not crying. He’s not doing much of anything but holding it. His hands aren’t shaking either, he knows what he’s doing and he doesn’t care. This will make it stop. He rolls up his sleeve. It’s fine, really. The cycle can only do one thing. It repeats until he’s dead. It goes around until it’s all gone. And that’s fine. He might as well give it what it wants. There’s no use in trying to control it. It’ll just destroy him at the end of the day.
He makes the cut and blood slips down his skin. He thought this would prove that he was human. He thought this would give him enough pain that he’d realize his mistakes and let it all go, but he feels nothing. He’s not even sure how that’s possible. He makes another. Blood trails down his arm and puddles, he feels nothing. None of the pain. It’s not enough. That’s not fair. He can’t help but stare at the blood on his arm, waiting for the sting. Waiting for the pain he knows but there’s nothing. That’s not fair. That’s not what he asked for. He needs more.
He’s supposed to be doing work. He’s supposed to be better. He’s supposed to be—Nothing he does is right. He’s better one second then stuck in the mirror the next. What is so wrong with him? What has he done wrong? If someone could tell him he’d fix it.
He thinks of Regulus.
He’s going to come home and find him like this. He’ll see his arm eventually. He knows all his scars, he’s kissed them when the nights grow dark. He makes James feel like more than he is. He’s memorized the marks, he’ll notice if new ones appear. He’ll know. His hands begin to shake, what’s the point of any of this? It’s not even worth it. He still feels the same way. He doesn’t feel anything. He needs something stronger. That’s his problem. He needs something more. It would be better if he—Oh.
He turns back to the cabinet leaving the blade on the counter. He cut up his palm pressing too hard, but it’s fine. He doesn’t feel it anyway. Regulus wouldn’t want blood on anything, so he uses the other to riffle through. He knows they’re in here somewhere. Regulus gave him some earlier when he had a headache. It wasn’t anything to worry about before. Looking back it was probably a warning sign, but he never notices them until it’s too late. When he can’t find them he goes to the closet behind him. It has to be here. Regulus can only have so many hiding places. James' hands are shaking so much he’s knocking everything over. He’ll straighten it if he has time. If he can settle.
“What are you looking for?”
How long has it been? It couldn’t have been that long. Regulus wasn’t supposed to be back now. James was supposed to have more time. He swallows passed his heart, “I have a headache,” he lies through his teeth. “I was trying to see where you kept the Advil.”
Regulus blinks, “I gave you some for it earlier you’re not allowed to have anymore yet.”
“Oh,” James mumbles. He knows that. Regulus is very consistent with it. He only gives him the right amount and waits for the exact time until he can give him more. He knows why. This is why.
“You’re bleeding,” Regulus says, his eyes stuck on James’ hand. His sleeve rolled down in his search, he can’t see any blood.
“Nicked myself on something in here,” James tells him, lifting it. It’s really not that bad. It doesn’t even look intentional. “It’s not that bad.”
Regulus walks over anyway and takes it in his own, “Sit down.”
“Why?”
Regulus gives him a pointed look, “You get lightheaded whenever you’re hurt and I don’t want you passing out on me. Now sit.”
James does. There’s nothing else he can do. Regulus is on the floor next to him as soon as he grabs everything. He doesn’t ask questions, but James is sure he doesn’t believe him. He hasn’t even said anything about the blade sitting on the counter. He’s surely seen it.
“How’s Sirius?” James asks, his voice tight as Regulus dabs alcohol on the cuts.
“He’s okay,” Regulus says, riffling around for bandages. “I’m glad I went over though.”
He doesn’t say anything else, but that’s to be expected. It’s not James’ place to know about Sirius, he’ll have to ask him himself, if he ever gets up off the floor.
“Good,” James says watching as Regulus carefully fixes his hand. He hasn’t cried yet, he’s not sure if he will. He still doesn’t feel anything. He was feeling better today, maybe that’s why. “I was worried.”
“I know,” Regulus says, “but he’ll be fine. You’ll see each other soon. I know how codependent you two get when you don’t talk.”
It’s supposed to be a joke but James doesn’t laugh, his chest just hurts. He’s supposed to be okay enough to talk to him. Sirius is his best friend and he feels it slipping away. He wants to ask Regulus if Sirius hates him but he’s too afraid of the answer. Regulus wouldn’t lie to him, he doesn’t think anyway.
Regulus pauses as soon as he’s done with his hand, biting the inside of his cheek. “I’ve got to clean the arm too.”
James freezes, “What are you talking about?”
Regulus looks at him, worry in his eyes, “You’re bleeding through your shirt.”
James looks down to find he’s right, the blood seeped through the fabric, “Oh.”
“It’s okay, I’m not angry with you,” Regulus says softly. “I just need to clean it.”
What’s the point? James doesn’t even mind if it gets infected, let it. Let it rot him from the inside out. He’s fine with it. It could kill him if it really wanted to. Save him from having to do the job. “Okay,” he whispers instead, slipping off the sweatshirt with the help of Regulus. He makes sure he doesn’t agitate the cuts, like he can feel it anyway. Regulus doesn’t know that though, and James doesn’t want to tell him. It’ll only make it worse.
Regulus kisses his palm before moving on the clean the blood off his arm. If James got what he wanted Regulus wouldn’t have to do this. He could stay over at Sirius’ and help him out. He could come home and actually enjoy his evening. He wouldn’t have to deal with all of this.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Regulus asks quietly.
A pained noise slips from James' throat like a wounded animal, “Nothing to talk about.”
Regulus looks up at him, “Jamie…”
“I’m fine,” James urges, because it’s true. It has to be true. If he’s not fine he doesn’t know what to do. If he’s not fine he’ll have to deal with all of this. He can just push it all away, it’s the only way he’ll make it through all of this. It’s either that or die and he doesn’t care which option wins. He wishes he did, but he’s so tired of all of it.
“I love you,” Regulus tells him, and he doesn’t believe him.
“If you love me why won’t you let me die?” James hears himself say. He’s not sure why it slips from his mouth, he knows it shouldn’t. He should be better than this. It’s not fair to him to ask. He’ll never be able to be alone for months after, but he’s said it. He can’t take it back. He needs to take it back.
Regulus sits with it, and James' chest hurts. “I love you too much to let you go,” he finally says. “You’re stuck with me, I don’t care what happens. I’m always going to be here, you can’t scare me away.”
He doesn’t believe him, “Okay.”
Regulus kisses away his tears as he wraps the final bandage around his arm, “I love you and I want you here enough for the both of us.”
James nods but he doesn’t really feel it. He stays on the floor as Regulus washes the blood out of the sleeve, “It’s your favorite,” he says, “I want you to be able to wear it.”
James doesn’t really care what they do, he likes it here on the floor anyway. He doesn’t want to talk, he doesn’t want to do much of anything. He thinks about finding the pills again. He knows he shouldn’t. He knows if they were the closet Regulus is already coming up with places to move them to. He might even flush all of them, throw out the knives, and bar the door when he tries to leave. He revealed too much again. He’s not sure how he keeps doing that.
Regulus brings him to bed and dims all the lights before crawling in with him. They’re back to where they were only a few days ago. The cycle is getting shorter. Today was supposed to be a good day, he’s not sure what happened.
“I’m sorry,” James mumbles, keeping his trained on the ceiling. “I promise I’m trying I’m just not very good at it.”
He means it. He’s trying his hardest every second of every day but he’s so tired, he falters. He can’t help it. This is all he can be. He’s a mess that no one wants not even himself. It would be better to scrap the whole thing and start a new one if he’s being honest. Nothing about him is salvageable. Maybe Regulus sees him as more but he doesn’t get how. He almost wants to see what he sees if only for a moment he wants to understand.
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Regulus shushes him. “It’s okay.”
“I made you cut your trip with Pandora short.”
“I don’t blame you for that,” Regulus says. “You needed me so I was there. That’s all it is.”
“You couldn’t even leave for two hours without me—“
“I don’t blame you for that either, listen,” he takes James' face in his hands until he looks him in the eye, “I love you. I love every single part of you. I want to be here for you. I don’t want to be anywhere else. I know you don’t believe me, but it’s true and I’ll tell you every day if you need the reminder.”
“It’s not fair to you,” James’ eyes sting. “I don’t want you to have to deal with me all the time.”
“I like taking care of you,” Regulus murmurs. “I’m not dealing with you, I love you.”
He still doesn’t believe him. He can’t see it. He doesn’t understand why Regulus can possibly love any part of him. He certainly doesn’t. Maybe he did before, back before he was covered in scars. He could’ve loved himself, but not anymore. There’s nothing there. No matter how many times he searches in the mirror there’s never anything to find. It’s always the same thing. He wants to find something different, that’s all he’s looking for.
“I love you,” is all he says back. He can’t say anything else. He doesn’t want Regulus to be annoyed by his constant arguing. So he’ll give up. He’ll pretend he’s okay with it all. He’ll pretend he believes it even if he knows Regulus doesn’t buy it.
Regulus kisses him then. He kisses down the bridge of his nose, and on every freckle littering his cheeks. He kisses his eyelids and on the corners of his mouth. He kisses down his arm and on his palm. Every pad of his finger. James just watches him as he does. He lets himself feel admired for a little while. It’s a nice feeling, even if can only partially feel it.
“Can you promise me something?” Regulus whispers.
He’s afraid of questions like this. He almost wishes Regulus just told him what he was promising before he has to say anything. It’s easier than sitting here in wait. He nods his head.
“Let me go first.”
James eyebrows furrow, “Go?”
Regulus collects his hands, “Let me die first.”
“Oh,” James doesn’t know what else to say. There’s nothing else.
“Not now,” Regulus says quickly. “Not for a long time, but when the time comes let me go first. You can go right after me if you want, but let me go first.”
“That’s not fair,” James whispers.
Regulus gives him a small smile, “Give it to me anyway.”
He knows this promise means nothing. It won’t stop the thoughts from coming, or his fingers from twitching to grab the nearest pill bottle, but it’s something. If it’ll reassure Regulus and make him worry less, then that’s all that matters. His throat catches the words, and they all come out wrong, but he says them. That’s all that matters. “Okay,” he says, “You can go first.”
Regulus kisses his palm again, right on the bandage, “Good. I can’t live without you.”
James doesn’t know how to get him used to it, but he knows he has to. He can’t go through with the plan unless he knows Regulus will be okay. He doesn’t want him to follow him to his own hell. He doesn’t want him to think the way he thinks. Not Regulus. Never Regulus. He’s protective of him even now. He’ll live long enough just to protect him, to keep him away from harm. He doesn’t want him to drown like he is. James is okay on his own, really. He doesn’t need anyone in the ocean with him.
It’s better alone.
He lets Regulus hold him again as he sleeps. It’s the least he can do. He can’t give him what he really wants anyway. He can’t want to live for him. He can’t promise never to find himself on the bathroom floor again. He can’t promise him he’ll never feel the sharp pain of a blade against his skin. So he’ll give him everything else. He’ll make everything better. Somehow. He’ll make sure it’s for the better.