Sometimes I wish
Chapter 18:
After Regulus left (with the promise of coming back at night), James felt lighter. He probably should talk with Sirius and explain to them that he would very much like to be their little brother’s boyfriend. Deep down, James knows that he doesn’t really have to talk to Sirius, but either way, he will. He doesn’t want any problem with his best mate. He also knows that nothing will come between him and Padfoot, but since finding out that Regulus is the same guy he met in Paris and Sirius never once mentioning Regulus’ name, has made James feel a distance like never before. He is not trying to put it, nonetheless, he feels hurt that Sirius never trusted him with something as big as their issues with their brother or just the fact that he has a brother at all.
He sighs and grabs his phone. There are already a few texts in their Marauders group chat saying that they are meeting in Sirius and Remus’ room at three, which means he has five minutes to be there.
The only things he takes to their room are his phone, room key, guitar and notebook (that has a pen in between pages), he doesn’t bother with anything else. He knocks and Remus opens the door.
“Hey, Prongs,” he smiles and James returns the smile.
“Hi, Moony,” James replies as he enters. “Thanks for earlier, couldn’t risk Sirius interrupting this time.”
“Yeah, of course. Hope you enjoyed it,” Remus teases.
“Trust me, I did,” Remus laughs and James grins.
Peter is already there so there’s no excuse to delay their work anymore.
“Okay, so I have a few ideas of what we could do for these couple songs,” Sirius starts saying. They all sit on the floor, a habit they’ve had since teenagers when they started writing together, especially Sirius and him. “I haven’t been able to end any of this song, mostly because, uhm, well it makes me feel so vulnerable,” they say. “I’m actually hoping you’d help me,” Sirius handed James his notebook so he could read it next to Peter. “Take a look at these.”
I spent my childhood younger years in shame
Just a little boy
Thought taught that the world was all a spoil
Hey little kid, you'll see!
Fight all your life fight hard and stay the course
Then all that you see here is yours
He flipped the page and there were more songs written.
I was just a kid who grew up to become strong enough to pick this armour up
And suddenly it fit
God, that was so long ago, long ago, long ago
I was a little kid , I was weak and perfectly naive
“Which one is the one you have in mind?” Peter asks while James flips another page.
I had a chip on my shoulder, had to let it go
'Cause unforgiveness keeps them in control
“Oh yeah, is this one,” Sirius takes the notebook and browses through the pages to land in one. “Here,” he gives it back and Peter gets closer to James.
Sometimes I wish that I could wish it all away
Sometimes I wish that I could see you one more day
I'm a wreck without you here
Yeah, I'm a wreck since you've been gone
I've tried to put this all behind me and forget it
I think I’ve been a wrecked all along
Knowing what he knows now about the Black brothers, James can understand how vulnerable this can make Sirius feel. The page looks a bit torn and there are doodles all around it, a thing Sirius does when he is thinking while writing new songs. James does the same thing, maybe because of all the times they spent together writing since teenagers.
“I like it,” Peter says and James almost feels the relief on Sirius’ shoulders. “Yeah, I think we can work with this one.”
“Good, good,” Sirius nods, a little smile on his lips. He turns to look at their boyfriend and Remus gives them a smile. James has spent so much time with them as a couple to know that Sirius is looking for reassurance on Remus, it’s beautiful, James thinks. “James?”
“I agree with Pete, this has potential,” he smiles.
“Let’s start working then,” Remus stands and gives Sirius his guitar as he grabs his own. James stretches a little to reach his. Peter had his own next to him.
James used to love this, sitting down with his best friends and letting their own creative process become one and do magic with their music. Don’t get him wrong, he still loves to do it, but he doesn’t enjoy it as much when he has the pressure and time on his shoulders. Even so, they find a way to have fun in the writing and they listen to the other when someone has a recommendation. James believes that moments like this are what has bonded them for life.
They take less than two hours to finish writing the first song, thankfully they don’t have to record it just yet, they just have to send the lyrics and a demo of the music and that’s it. If they were to record it, Pandora would have already had people staging a cabin record in one of their hotel rooms and some of their producers would’ve travelled where they are, they would be way more stressed than they already are.
“What do we think?” Sirius asks once they have finished playing the whole song without interruptions or mistakes, thank God that Peter suggested they recorded it.
“I really like it, it’s cathartic,” Peter shrugs.
“Yeah, it is,” Sirius agrees with a sigh.
“Well, one done, one to go,” Remus stretches and grabs again his own notebook and everybody follows. At some point they exchange notebooks, showing specific songs they’d like to show to the others, no one dares to look through the pages without consent.
When James hands his notebook to Sirius he isn’t paying too much attention as he is taking Peter’s at the same time, which makes the notebook fall and land on the ground, the journal open between pages.
“Oh, sorry,” James chuckles and Sirius grabs it. There's silence after that, James is too busy reading what Peter showed him, Remus with what Sirius showed him (which James doubts is something he hasn’t read before), Peter is reading Remus’ notebook and complaining about the handwriting, Sirius is too focused to even make a sound.
“I like this one,” Peter says, breaking the silence. “I think we could-”
“James, when did you write this?” Sirius interrupts Peter, probably didn’t even hear him talking at all.
“What?” James says and then remembers which song he showed him. “Oh, not long ago, probably before the tour. I’m not sure, why?”
“Are you sure you wrote this before the tour?” They ask, there's a certain persistence in his tone.
“I think so,” James shrugs, confused. “Is everything alright?” He asks after seeing how Sirius is reacting, his shoulders are tense and he is frowning. Remus can also see it, even Peter looks concerned now. “What’s the matter?”
“James. When did you write this?” Sirius asks again and hands him his notebook. James frowns and takes it. James is confused as to why they are acting this way, it’s just an idea of a song, not even the best one he's written and yet Sirius is acting all defensive. Frowning, he looks down at the pages where his own handwriting is waiting to be read.
There are moments where the anxiety, surprise and concern mix all together and your body can’t even take it, you stop breathing and it feels as if your heart stopped beating at all. This is one of those moments.
You were riding your bike to the sound of "It's No Big Deal"
And you're trying to lift off the ground on those old two wheels
James doesn’t have to read more, he knows exactly what song this is. Sirius stands up and James follows, seconds later so does Peter and Remus.
“Sirius,” James panics. “You were never meant to read this, I didn’t show you this one. Why are you reading- why did you read it?” He has to focus on his breathing just to make sure he is breathing.
“That’s the page where it was open. How was I supposed to know that wasn’t the one?” They raise their voice. “When did you write it?” He lowers his voice.
“You don’t have to know,” James replies, closing the notebook. He wishes he could say he is mad that this happened and maybe he is, but he feels trapped, this was never meant to happen. Remus and Peter are only watching the exchange of words with no clue of what is going on and James doesn’t even want to explain, what would he say? Oh, I wrote a song about Sirius’ life and never told him about it? Fuck no.
“No, I don’t. But I want to,” Sirius finds his eyes and James sees it all. “Please, James.”
The thing is, James remembers exactly how the song came to him. He was playing his guitar and thinking about life in general. The chords came first, he liked the sound of it, there was something about them that relaxed James, almost soothing. Then the words started flowing, appearing in his mind and then capturing them with ink on paper. All he could think was about Sirius and everything he’s been through, all the strength they have in them, how much James admires him… He remembers everything that made him write this song because he still feels the same way.
“A year after you left home,” James answers, looking at the notebook in his hands.
“A year- James… did you know?” Sirius asks, ashamed maybe. “
“Know what?” James feels so small looking at Sirius so small, his eyes are sad and the pain behind them is so palpable that he feels it as his own. Maybe it is. Whatever hurts Sirius, hurts James.
Sirius sighs and looks at Moony who just nods.
“A year- a year after I left that house was the last time I saw Regulus,” they explain, his voice thin as paper, not aiming to cut but to crumble.
“I didn’t know, Sirius. I swear. I didn’t even know about Reg,” James is quick to explain.
“Then why would you write that?” Sirius demands to know, his voice croaks and James is fast to hold him, just a second faster than Remus. Their eyes are full of tears.
“I’m not sure, it felt right at the time. Still does,” James answers solemnly. “I had so much in me that I didn’t know how to tell you about it. You leaving them was so recent that I didn’t want to add any more to it or trigger something. Then time went by and I kept it to myself,” he explains and Sirius leans more to the touch.
“I don’t know how I would have reacted back then,” James can tell Remus is getting anxious of not knowing what is wrong with his boyfriend, but doesn’t intervene. “I feel like it would’ve helped me heal faster… or it would’ve broken me more,” they separate from James a bit. “Is it finished?”
“Uh, yeah. Yeah, it is.”
“Show it to them,” Sirius signals the others James does as he searches for the page the song is on and they read it.
Once they are done, Sirius says, “We have to send this one, please. I know only James worked on it, but I know there are people out there, people like me, going through the shit I went through. Feeling hopeless and alone, and this… this is a way of showing them they are not.”
“You want to use your name?” Remus asks. “It’s only mentioned once, but that should be up to you.”
“I don’t think I want that. I’m comfortable with you knowing what I went through with my family, but the rest of the world? Absolutely not.”
“Are you sure about this, Pads?” Peter asks softly.
“Yes,” Sirius nods and looks at James. “Thank you.”
-
Regulus has to write. He just has to. He learned how to.
Regulus has to write because that’s how he managed to express his feelings, because sometimes- to him- feelings are too much and overwhelming. He has no idea how to control them inside him and the only way is by controlling the pen that writes them down. He just has to, because if not, he is sure he’ll break down at any point, no matter who is close to him and he can’t afford being vulnerable with others. He learned to write because when he was sent away he felt alone, in a place that was not a home. Left to be alone.
That’s the main reason why he is now writing in a beautiful restaurant in a beautiful city. The restaurant is outdoors and the weather is delightful. He knows how to enjoy the beauty of life, but ever since the sun has been by his side, he appreciates it even more. But sometimes, when the sun is gone, the dark returns and writing is the only way to fight it back.
“Writing new songs, Little Black?” Marlene asks him. He likes Marlene, he’s decided, she reminds him of Barty in some way.
“Hopefully the answer is yes. He hasn’t agreed to write with us,” Barty rolls his eyes.
“That’s because I don’t know how to write songs,” Regulus rolls his eyes.
“Everyone can write songs with the right motivation,” Lily shrugs, her head resting on the back of the chair and he can bet she has her eyes closed behind her sunglasses.
“Maybe I don’t have it,” Regulus says. Ever since he got confirmation that she is James’ ex girlfriend he hasn’t been able to be normal next to her, always alert. He hates it because he knows that it isn’t fair to Lily to react that way.
“I doubt it,” Lily sits straight, lowers her sunglasses and gives him a look. It is a look that makes Regulus feel seen in a way he isn’t particularly fond of, like she can see her secrets and he never allowed it. She winks and pushes her sunglasses up.
“What do you write about?” Pandora asks. If it was anyone else, maybe he would have been mean, but he also likes Pandora, she is calmed and collected until she doesn’t have to be, Regulus admires that, the way she can control her feelings and actions.
“Stuff, feelings, nothing at all,” he answers.
“So you do know how to write songs,” Evan teases as he smirks. “That’s practically it.”
“Do you feel what you write?” Mary asks. Regulus doesn’t know how he feels about her, nothing personal but out of everyone sitting at the table, she is the least one he has talked to.
“Yes, I do,” he frowns a little.
“Then you’re halfway there,” Mary smiles at him.
“But why would I want other people to know what I think or feel?” Regulus asks without thinking.
“To make a difference,” Lily answers.
“To let go,” Marlene says after.
“To feel less alone,” Barty says next to him and Regulus looks at him.
“Ooh, yes, that’s a good one,” Mary claps excitedly a couple of times. “You’d be surprised with how many people feel the same way as you,” she nods and gives him a gentle smile.
“Lets try something,” Lily looks through her purse and takes out a pen. “This is something we used to do with the guys when we were younger, before the label,” she explains and then takes a napkin. “We are going to start writing something, like an opening and we will follow, everyone of us will write something and we’ll see if we have a song,” she smiles and Regulus hates that he can see why James fell for her. “You start,” Lily hands the napkin and pen to Barty. “Then give it to anyone you want.”
“I haven’t agreed to this,” Regulus says.
“Too late, you’re doing it, Little Black,” Marlene points at him with a finger. He rolls his eyes but doesn’t complain.
“Alright,” Barty says and Regulus is surprised he finished, he didn’t even notice when he started writing. “Here, you go,” he gives the paper to Mary.
“Really? ‘I’m starving, darling’?” Mary reads what Barty wrote.
“Well, I am! I didn’t eat too much at breakfast, and they are taking too long to bring the food” he leans back on his chair and extends an arm to lay it on the edge of Regulus’ chair.
At some point, the conversation started going other ways and he focused on that, until it was his turn after Lily wrote on the napkin, she handed it to Regulus. It takes everything on him not to react to that, he feels being tested, he doesn’t like it, but the worst part is that, whatever it is, he doesn’t want to fail.
He looks at the napkin and there’s a lot of crossed words and it’s funny how Barty’s handwriting stands out because the rest of them are pretty and his is not. Apparently, each one of them wrote two lines each, except Lily. He reads it and then again, this is something, he knows that because he almost feels it. The meaning behind is beyond something so casual as them being hungry.
I'm starving darling, let me put my lips to something
Let me wrap my teeth around the world
I wanna feel the edges start to burn
Honey, I wanna race you to the table
If you hesitate, the gettin' is gone
I won't lie if there's somethin' to be gained, there's money to be made
You can't buy this fineness
Let me see the heat get to you
Let me watch the dressing start to peel
Regulus looks at the paper once, twice, thrice, enough times to memorise it. What should he write?
“Don’t think about it too much,” Barty whispers, resting his weight on the arm behind Regulus and turning his body in a way his mouth is near Regulus’ ear. “Don’t overthink it, you already know what to write, just do it,” he returns to the conversation as if he never said something to him.
Regulus mentally sighs and writes:
It's a kindness, highness
Crumbs enough for everyone
Old and young are welcome to the meal
He hands the napkin and pen to Marlene who’s the only one missing (without counting Pandora). He feels like he is about to be judged for what he wrote, like he wasn’t supposed to write that and he just messed up the song.
“Good job, Little Black, of course you had it on you,” Marlene says, smiling at him when she finished reading. Barty also looks at him smiling proudly. Marlene writes fast, faster than the other two girls did and Regulus wonders about her handwriting. “Done!” Everyone looks at her. “I think this could be a proper song,” Marlene smiles and shakes the napkin as a flag just to then kiss it, probably leaving a lipstick print on it.
“There you go, Regulus, your first song written,” Pandora smiles at him and makes space in the table as the waiter gets closer to their table, bringing their food.
“Can I see what you wrote?” Barty asks and Regulus nods. “Give me that, McKinnon!” Marlene passes the napkin and Barty reads it. “You are the only one who didn’t cross anything,” he notices.
“Neither did you,” Regulus says without turning to see him, as he is more focused on his food. Maybe he should’ve eaten something more after leaving James’ room.
“Well, I was hungry, that’s all I could think about,” he shrugs. Regulus turns to see him and Barty is already looking at him.
“But that’s not what it is about, is it?”
“No,” Barty smiles and turns, chatting with the girls as if it was something he was already doing.
He thinks about what Mary said, about how other people may feel as he does and that leaves a bittersweet taste on his mouth. Because for so long he has felt alone with his feelings, so he chose not to share them with anyone else. But then, he thinks about James and the song he showed him not long ago, about the changes he went through that are so similar to the ones that Regulus is living right now. How many things can he share with someone else? With James? With Barty or Evan? With these girls? He just met them a month ago and they already wrote something meaningful together.
He texts James asking for the lyrics of the song he showed him earlier.
Not even five minutes later, James has sent him a photo of the page where James wrote them.
The rest of the day they walk through the city and take lots of pictures of the places they visit or of themselves. More than once, the girls are stopped by fans to chat with them or take pictures, Regulus watches the interactions every time, because none of them are the same to the other. The girls manage to make the experience unique without even trying.
When Barty is stopped as well, he looks taken aback, but only for a second, then he chats with the person and takes pictures with them, as if this is what Barty’s been doing his whole life. Regulus has no doubt that this is what he was meant to be, he’s always known Barty was too big to settle for playing at pubs or small gigs. He was meant to live this kind of life. The fame was meant for Barty.
They decide to call a car to go to the hotel, all of them already tired and wanting to rest for tomorrow’s show. James tells him that he won’t take long, so Regulus goes to Barty’s room and starts typing on his phone, with one purpose in mind. Finishing James’ song.
“What are you doing?” Barty drops himself on the bed and Regulus, absentmindedly, sits on the edge of it.
“Uh? Just writing,” he answers.
The kids are alright, that used to be us
No.
The kids are alright, that used to be u |
The kids are alright, that used to be |
The kids are alright, that used to be me
Better.
Always losing our minds out on the … where? Regulus thinks staring at the screen.
…street. A trip down memory lane, houses all look the same
And all the people have changed
Something’s off, he deletes the last line.
“What are you typing?” Barty asks and crawls to change position, so now his head is resting next to Regulus’ thighs and his feet are facing the other side.
“Finishing a song that James showed me,” he answers as another idea comes to mind.
There's different names on the gates and all the people have changed
“So you write songs now,” Barty says carefully, turning to face him as he lifts his body enough so he can rest his face on his hand, his elbow taking all the weight. “But only with James?”
“What? No,” Regulus shakes his head. No, he only has this urge to finish it and show it to James.
“Will you write with us?”
“Why, though?”
“Because you are part of us now, Reg, part of the band and we want you to join this as well. Make it yours as well,” Barty sits now, legs crossed and a little behind Regulus. “It’s not just Evan and mine’s, it is yours as well, we want it to be. I want it to be yours too,” he explains. “I just want you to be comfortable singing songs that you mean. Don’t get me wrong, you are amazing on stage, but it’s different when you feel the songs. Trust me.”
“Okay,” Regulus agrees, not because he is excited about writing songs, but because he knows what this band means to his friend and if Barty wants to share it like that with him, he can’t exactly say no to him.
“Wait, really?”
“Why are you always so surprised when I agree to something you ask for?” Regulus rolls his eyes. “As if I ever said no to you,” he mutters and goes back to typing.
He feels like something is missing from the verse he wrote but can’t think of anything else. He sighs and continues reading, maybe they can repeat the chorus and the bridge is amazing as it is, but too short. He can work on that, he had already thought of something when James sang it to him, so it’s not difficult to come up with lyrics.
Now, it's time to realise we don't get another life
Then, he repeats what James already wrote: Always overanalyse, what's the point? And adds: I know it'll be alright, 'cause we're all the same inside .
“How’s it going with James?” Barty asks, still sitting behind him. “You’ve barely been here,” ‘here’ being with him.
Ever since they were in Beauxbatons, Regulus and Barty had slept together in a way to comfort the other, a comfort they didn’t find in anyone else, they never touched or cuddled but the mere fact of knowing the other was close was enough for them to feel safe. Safe of what? God knows, maybe of themselves, their minds. And they kept doing that until Regulus got a boyfriend, but once they broke up, Regulus was back nearly every night. Then it became less common until back on tour, when Regulus saw Sirius again and he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep at all knowing he was so close to Sirius. Of course, Barty welcomed him as Regulus welcomed Barty.
“It’s going great actually,” Regulus fights back a smile. Regulus has never known a light so bright as James. “He…” Regulus hesitates to say it but it is Barty who he is talking with. “He kind of asked me to be his boyfriend. It feels so awkward to say it, so high school, but-”
“What did you say?” Barty interrupts him and moves to sit on the edge of the bed as well, next to him.
“That I needed time to think about it, you know how the last one went,” Regulus shakes his head. “I don’t want that again,” he frowns. “But I don’t think James is like that.”
There's silence after that. Regulus goes back to his phone and sends James a text telling him he has something to show him, James answers back in seconds saying that he can’t wait but surprises often makes him anxious, but loves them nonetheless.
“Don’t choose him,” Barty says without looking at Regulus, he’s staring at the closed door.
“What?”
“Don’t choose him,” he repeats, this time he turns to see Regulus. Barty is as serious as he’s ever seen him, that's how Regulus knows he’s not joking with him or anything.
“Why?” Regulus decides to ask.
“Why?” Barty tilts his head and his eyes are soft, almost… almost pleading. “You know why.”
And Regulus does, that’s the thing.
“No,” he shakes his head. He is not ready to hear what Barty has to say. He’s always suspected it, the way Barty treats him is so different to how he is with Evan or anyone else and… a year ago he would have accepted it, he would have been thrilled even, but right now he has James, he will not let that go. Not even for Barty. No one has made him feel like James does right now, not even Barty and that is saying a lot because he is completely sure that Barty was his first love. They never dated, but they didn’t have to. The feelings were there and that’s enough for Regulus to know that Barty earned that spot.
“Yes,” Barty gets close to him. “Yes, Reg. I’ve been second to everyone my whole life, I'm asking you to let me be the first in your life,” he holds Reg's hands.
“You’ve always been the first, Barty,” Regulus looks at their hands and for a brief moment he thinks they look correct but they don’t fit as they do with James. “I’ve chosen you my whole life,” he says and his chest aches. He doesn’t want to do this. “Why did you never say anything before?”
“I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you because of my feelings,” Barty’s voice is weak. “Am I too late to tell you all about them?”
“I was too late as well,” Regulus sonfesses, it’s not a yes directly, but yes, he’s too late. Barty can see it in his eyes, the answer, the truth.
“I love you so much,” Barty drops one of his hands and reaches to touch Regulus’ cheek. At the feeling, he closes his eyes. “You have no idea how much, Reg.”
“I do too,” Regulus opens his eyes and finds that Barty is crying, so silently. “I’ve always have and always will,” Barty’s hand is still on his cheek. “You will never lose me. Not for anything,” he promises and he intends to keep that promise until he dies and maybe even after.
“I wish I wasn’t this late,” he whispers and lets go of Regulus’ hand.
“I was late as well,” he repeats. “ But never doubt that I chose you first.”
Barty stares at him, tears still dropping from his eyes and it is a sight so painfully beautiful. He is not enjoying this, but Barty’s always been beautiful and this shows how human he is, how vulnerable he can be and for him to show it to Regulus, to trust him enough for this… that’s beautiful.
“Puis-je t'embrasser, Reg? ” The question itself is more than enough to take him by surprise but also he hasn’t heard anyone speak to him in french in a while. “ S'il vous plaît.”
“Oui,” he breathes and Barty closes the distance between them. They’ve kissed a couple of times, but not like this, never like this, not with this much love showing on the front lines. And still, it is a goodbye to something they never had, but will always have.
It doesn’t escalate or lasts long, as soon as it came, it was gone. Barty rests his forehead on his and sighs. Then gets up and cleans his tears.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Reg,” Barty says with a faint smile and leaves for the bathroom.
Don’t ask him how, but Regulus knows they will be alright.
This time he sighs and gets up to leave the room. Just as he closes the door behind him, he knows the missing part of the verse. He takes his time writing it, leaning on the closed door behind him.
Oh, it's such a shame, nothing stays the same
The moment he writes the last word a text from James appears on his screen telling him that he is already in his room and he will wait for him. Regulus aches, for two reasons, what just happened with his best friend and also because he has to tell James about it. He wants to. He wants to do things right with James, so he will tell him everything, he’ll be honest and vulnerable to prove to James that he wants to be with him.
Because that’s the point of everything that just happened, why keep on denying it?