A Holy fool
The moment James opens the door he knows something’s wrong.
“What happened, love?”
“I need to tell you something,” Regulus looks him in the eyes.
“Is it about what you wanted to show me?” James asks and his star shakes his head. “Come, love, let's sit,” he pulls Regulus closer and guides him to the nearest couch. “Whatever it is, take your time, okay?”
“I want to tell you now,” Regulus inhales deeply and then exhales, closes his eyes and moves his leg to be bent on the couch and Regulus has more visibility of James. He mirrors Regulus' position. “Earlier, the girls and my friends helped me to realise I can write songs, or at least try to,” Regulus explains.
“That’s amazing, Star!” James smiles but Regulus grimaces. “Or not? Is it not great?”
“Yeah, yeah it is, that’s not the point of this conversation though,” he says. “I was with Barty waiting for you to be finished with your work. Then he asked me about us and well, I told you about what you asked me,” he blushes. James fights the urge to mention how cute he looks. “Then, uh…” James frowns, he’s never seen Regulus so at loss of words. He always has something to say or just stays silent. But never like this.
Oh, James understands.
He knew it was a bit too fast to ask him something like that. Formalising a relationship in the span of a month is bonkers, yet James did it. Fuck, he screw this up, didn’t he? Maybe he could’ve waited a bit more. He knows patience isn’t exactly his strongest virtue, he always wants everything in the moment and more now that he feels this way for the man. Still, he should’ve thought this through but he didn’t, not even for a second he stopped to think about how this may make Regulus feel and now he could’ve fucked it all up.
“Regulus, if you feel it is too fast or don’t want to, you can tell me. You know that, right? I won’t get mad because you don’t want to be my boyfriend,” James says solemnly, he would never put his own feelings over anyone’s, let alone Regulus’.
“What?” Regulus squints his eyes. “What? No, that’s not- No, James, that isn’t what I wanted to say. Not even close. Quite the opposite actually,” James feels his heart flipping on his chest, beating too fast to contain it. Any moment now, his heart will leave his chest and fly towards Regulus, where it wants to be. “But let’s not get too ahead of ourselves,” Regulus says when he notices the state James is in. “It’s about Barty and I. I don’t know if I told you a lot about us. I’ve always talked about my friends and included Evan in there, but not only about Barty, have I?”
“I don’t think so,” James shakes his head.
“Barty and I have a different friendship than the one Evan has with us and us with Evan. I met Barty first, he was the first friend I made when I was in France,” Regulus makes a pause but he knows he will continue talking so he doesn’t say anything, just listens. “There’s a bond I have with him. It's like-” Regulus makes a frustrated sound. “-like I can feel and think what he does, and he knows me better than I know myself,” Regulus explains.
“Oh, is he your Sirius? I mean, what Sirius is to me is Barty to you?” James asks hoping he understands. He also feels like no one knows him like Sirius does and vice versa.
“I, uh, I wouldn’t say he is my Sirius,” Regulus hesitates a bit, shaking his head. James frowns, at no point of this conversation he’s known the direction of it. “I would say he is more of my Lily,” Regulus says carefully.
“Your Lily? Why Lily?” A beat. “Oh.”
Oh.
“He was your first love?” James almost whispers. He never thought about Regulus’ love life, he only took what he gave him and never questioned it. James obviously knows that the younger one has had previous relationships and at no point he thought he was the first one. But Regulus is comparing Barty to Lily and that is big.
“Yes,” is all Regulus answers.
“Alright,” James nods his head slowly, taking this new information. He feels weird, not jealous or mad, but weird .
“We kissed,” Regulus blurts out. “Just now, we kissed,” that does make him feel something. Not jealousy (at least he doesn’t think so). But hurt, maybe? Yeah, hurt. What? They kissed? James wants to understand all of this, but his brain stopped working, it decided to give up on the compilation of information because none of this is making sense to him. “It wasn’t like that,” Regulus continues. “I wish I could say it didn’t mean anything, but it meant something,” James can physically feel his body deflating, shoulders dropping and heart beating faster, no longer wanting to be trapped on James’ chest, feeling caged but not wanting to go out anymore. They kissed ? “It was a goodbye, Jamie. We were too late to confess our feelings to each other. He was my first choice, he has always been… until you,” Regulus’ cold hands cup both sides of James’ cheeks. “I didn’t reciprocate his feelings and I won’t,” he shakes his head and, as established, James’ brain isn’t working anymore so he doesn’t understand what is going on. “I never will for as long as you want me, and probably even after that. You, James Potter, have me. My every thought always comes back to you and my feelings are proof of that.”
“What?”
“I want to be with you, James, however you want me,” Regulus drops his hands and James instinctively holds them again and leads them to his cheek again. “Aren’t you mad?”
“About the kiss?” Regulus nods. “I think I’m a bit hurt, but I can understand it,” he answers. “Reg, if he’s your first love, why would I be mad about it?”
“Because we are a thing now and I just kissed someone else,” he explains and it’s clear he feels frustrated that James isn’t understanding him, but maybe he hasn’t understood it himself. James grabs Regulus’ hands from his cheeks and holds them resting their hands on his thighs.
“Do you want to kiss him again?”
“No, I don’t think I want to,” he answers, truthfully.
“Will you kiss him again if we are together?”
“Of course not, James!” And it shouldn’t be funny how offended Regulus got, but it kind of is. It makes James smile again.
“Okay,” James shrugs. “I trust you, Regulus.”
The words seem to do something to him, because he lounges to hug James, or more likely, be hugged by James. Oh, James’ heart can only take so much. He touches his star’s hair and pulls him closer. Regulus apparently also wants to be closer and moves so he can be on James’ lap.
“You still want me?” Regulus asks against his chest and his heart is happy to be this close to the star.
“How could I not want you, mon étoile?” James kisses the top of Regulus’ head. Without moving too much he adds: “I know what it is like to have a first love, Reg,” he feels like a confession. They’ve never talked about Lily, it could surprise James that he knows about her, but given who his friends are and the job they all share, it was going to happen at some point.
“Do you…” Regulus starts saying but shakes his head, discarting the idea.
“Do I still have feelings for her?” James finishes what he thinks Regulus was going to ask. He can feel the movement of Regulus’ head meaning he nodded. “No. I mean, I have a lot of love for her. She has been in my life since before this job and fame, she was a friend first and now too. But not that way anymore,” he sighs. Lily will always have an effect on James, but that’s the beauty of first loves.
“You can tell me more about her, if you want to,” Regulus says softly and James smiles and kisses his head again.
“We were together for years, I admit I pinned after her for longer than that. I used to think I’d never look at anyone the way I saw her,” he remembers those days with so much nostalgia. “And it was that way until I met a certain someone in Paris,” he chuckles. “But then we got together and it was perfect… almost too perfect. We were something beautiful for sure, but sometimes I felt like I was walking on landmines ready to explode. We never fought and that became a problem to both of us, but to me? I started wondering how real I was allowed to be and feel,” James still struggles with that sometimes. “I never blamed her, though. I still don’t think the problem was us as individuals, it just simply wasn’t working.”
“I feel so vulnerable next to her,” Regulus confesses after a couple seconds in silence. “I can see why you chose her. And I don’t understand why you’d choose me now.”
“Well, first of all, love, it isn’t a competition, it never was. Sometimes love isn’t about choosing . What I had with Lily is over, it was over long before we met again,” James is still stroking his hair with one hand, and the other reaches to caress his cheek. “And if it was, you win, Regulus. I want you, maybe I was a bit hurried to ask you to be my boyfriend, but that’s what I want.”
Regulus straightens his back so his face is in the same height as James’. He puts his hands on Regulus’ waist, it still amazes that he gets to do it and the other one lets him.
“James,” he tilts his head. “I want that too,” he says and James smiles. “I don’t know if I’ll do it right, but I’ll try to keep us real,” he says and then leans to kiss him and just as he said, it feels real. It’s not rushed but the need to prove to the other how much they want to be together is there.
“So, are we doing this? You’re my boyfriend?” James has to ask. He needs the confirmation.
“God, you’re embarrassing yourself, James,” Regulus rolls his eyes but the smile betrays him.
“Is that a yes?”
“Of course it is, you big idiot,” Regulus’ eyes are soft, a kind of softness he has only reserved for these moments. Just for James.
James cannot believe Regulus wants him too, he can’t believe this is something actually happening. Maybe because he was used to having anyones’ attention as soon as he wanted it or pining after someone for years. This with Regulus caught him off guard, he knew he liked the man, but to have feelings for him? He didn’t plan that and yet here he is. Next to the man he met all those years ago, the man who he used to dream about seeing again is now laying next to him.
The rest of the night goes like that. Kissing each other every time they remember they can, enjoying the fact that they both are willing to make this work and then falling asleep with the certainty of waking up next to the other.
-
Evan knows something is off the moment they are on stage for the soundcheck. To anyone else, everything would be fine, but he has lived with these idiots for years now, so… something is off.
He watches them from his place in the middle of the stage behind the drums (the best place if you ask him, he can see all the crowd and his best friends from there) and the way they are moving is odd. Regulus is acting as if everything is alright while Barty is avoiding Regulus at all. Look, he isn’t stupid, he has two functional eyes and he’s seen his best friends fall for each other at different times. Regulus was first, Evan remembers the moment he met them and they were already friends, Regulus would have a special light in his eyes only for Barty. It took Barty years to reciprocate those feelings, he would also light up every time Regulus would even look at him, but his -romantic- feelings came later, much, much later. It was after Regulus got his first boyfriend, which Evan found it intriguing because Barty wouldn’t bat an eye for Reg’s girlfriends, but the moment he had a male partner, it switched something in Barty. Despite that, Barty never tried anything with the other one. It was only after Evan started making comments about Regulus’ boyfriend that Barty started to speak up. And Regulus only listened when Barty talked.
When you put it like that, it probably should be incredibly annoying for Evan to be in the middle of them, but it wasn’t. Evan loves them more than life, they both are his life. Besides, it would be useless to try and compete for their friendship when in reality what Barty and Regulus have isn’t that, it can be at times, but not fully. There’s another kind of love in between for it to be labeled as ‘friendship’. That’s why Evan always saw the line between his friendship with them and whatever they had going on.
And now, Evan can tell they’ve done something that could jeopardise them.
“What happened?” Evan asks as soon as they are off the stage, letting the girls take over. Distantly, Evan can see James and Sirius talking backstage.
Regulus and Barty look at each other for the first time since Evan has been with them today and as soon as they do they look away.
“Don’t make me ask again,” Evan says, not in a threatening way, but because Evan really doesn’t want to ask again. This is already awkward as it is.
Barty looks at Regulus again and opens his mouth but as soon as he does someone comes from behind.
“Really, Regulus? You couldn’t find another person?!” Sirius almost yells. At this, Regulus’ face hardens and Barty takes a step next to Regulus and so does Evan. If there is one thing he absolutely shares with Barty is his protectiveness over Regulus.
“Step back, Black,” Barty says automatically and Evan knows it pains him, because he really likes The Marauders and Sirius, but he’s loyal to default.
“What? I can’t get close to my brother?” Sirius asks him.
“What’s your problem?” Regulus asks. His voice is collected but nowhere near calm. Regulus is angry and that isn’t a good sign.
“And you even have to ask?” His brother asks.
“Padfoot, leave him alone,” James appears behind Sirius.
Evan wasn’t going to judge, but he can’t help it… those nicknames are ridiculous, the best one is Remus’, but he has heard them call Peter ‘Wormtail’ and if Evan wasn’t aware that Peter has no trouble with it, he would think it is an offence. It sounds like one.
“Why would I? You definitely couldn’t,” they face James and it’s clear he is debating what to do. Regulus looks at his friends, then his brother and James, just to look again at Sirius.
“You know,” Regulus says to his brother. “You told them,” he says to James.
“I wasn’t going to keep it a secret,” James' voice is different when he speaks to Regulus, Evan has noticed. “Did you want it to be a secret?”
“No, of course not. I just wasn’t aware that you were going to tell everyone not even a day after,” Regulus scowls.
“Can you stop talking like we aren’t here?” Sirius interrupts and Barty agrees.
“I didn’t tell everyone , star, but I didn’t know how to keep it from Sirius,” James continues talking to Regulus, ignoring his friend. “He’s still my best friend, I obviously was going to tell him if I’m dating someone. It just happens that that someone is their brother.”
Oh, so that’s it. Evan without thinking turns to look at Barty and the face he makes is almost heartbreaking, but he doesn’t seem surprised by the news, which maybe that is what pains him the most.
“I understand,” Regulus’ voice softens and that impresses Evan more so than the fact that they are apparently dating now. “Do you understand?” He asks his brother and Evan almost chuckles because Sirius wasn’t waiting for Regulus to speak to them. “Or are you going to continue to throw a tantrum?”
“Regulus, out of everyone you could’ve fallen, you chose my best friend,” Sirius looks pained.
“I tried not to,” Regulus confesses and Evan, from where he’s standing can see the faces everyone makes, Sirius looks surprised by his brother’s honesty, while Barty grimaces a little, James remains calm. Evan suspects it’s because they already talked about it.
Despite all the honesty shared, everyone looks really uncomfortable doing this right now and the girls are just finishing the last song for soundcheck, so Evan intervenes.
“This looks like a conversation for another time,” Evan says and James looks at him like he could kiss him. No, thanks, though. “We have to talk to Emmeline before the show,” he herds his friends away from James and Sirius very subtly, Regulus catches on and pushes Barty to keep walking. “We’ll see you later, guys,” Evan says goodbye and only James waves at them.
Once in their dressing room, Barty looks at Regulus and as if he senses the look, without turning, he says, “Not now, Barty.”
“Why?”
“What the fuck is going on with you two?” Evan interrupts them. “Please tell me, because the soundcheck was awkward as hell for me and I would rather not have to go through it in the actual show.”
Being in a band was never his childhood dream, but that doesn’t mean now it isn’t. He loves this, he loves having this opportunity to perform live and the way their social media’s followers are increasing, that’s a blessing. He never thought Regulus would agree, no matter that since they started Barty wanted him to join but it makes sense that they are succeeding now with Reg in the band, he was always the missing piece.
It’s just that right now, Evan is afraid. He trusts his friends more than anything in the world, but if whatever happened between them- and now Regulus dating the lead singer of the main band-, comes as a liability for them… he’s afraid that it will break them, not only as a band.
“I kissed Reg,” Barty murmurs and well- shit.
“I let him,” Regulus says after. “Then I told James what happened because James asked me to be his boyfriend,” Regulus rolls his eyes.
“Are you twelve? That sounds so juvenile,” Evan can’t help but say.
“Yeah, I thought the same,” Regulus smiles. And holy shit, this man rarely smiles and he’s doing it just by the thought of James.
“You two kissing, is that going to be a problem?” Evan asks, because quite frankly, he doesn’t care if they did, God and Evan knew how much they’ve been wanting to do that.
“No,” Regulus answers truthfully. Barty remains silent but shakes his head.
“Okay, then, we should probably start getting ready,” Evan nods and then pauses the movement, looks at his friends and sighs. “I’m not judging, you both are my best friends, of course I knew about your feelings,” Barty is the one who looks surprised by it, Regulus looks uncomfortable. “If either of you want to talk, I’m always here for you.”
“Thanks, Ev,” Barty says, his voice sounding so small that it troubles Evan.
“Always,” he smiles at him.
Emmeline doesn’t take long to arrive at their dressing room, she moves around the place like she owns it, she knows where everything is and even when she is talking with them, she never gets distracted, treating time with respect (he guesses it’s because she has two more bands to get ready). Emmeline is the one to tell them all about everyone, it has helped them to understand the dynamics in the tour and to feel like they can fit in.
At some point, after Emme is done with him, Dorcas walks in the room and drops beside Regulus. Dorcas is also new here, so it feels right that they became friends fast. What was surprising is the way Regulus feels entirely comfortable with both girls. Like right now, Dorcas is the one helping Emmeline get Regulus ready.
Between the two girls, they are ready just in time for them to get ready for the stage. Barty is still looking at Regulus pretending none of them notice, but they all do. Even Dorcas gives Evan a funny look and he just shrugs.
Evan just hopes today’s show ends up well.
-
“Hello, everyone!” Barty says into the mic after the first song they performed. They’ve been doing this for a month and each night the screams are louder. He loves that, because he knows that it means they are being more known. Each night more people sing along with them… to their songs. “Today we wanted to try something new… this one is a cover! Please if you know it, sing with us!”
The lights go down and the voices of Regulus and Evan fill the arena. “Oh, oh-oh-oh-whoa. I'm in love with Juda-as, Juda-as,” the crowd immediately goes wild.
“Judas, Juda-ah-ah. Judas, Juda-ah-ah. Judas, Juda-ah-ah,” Barty sings along with his friends.
Thinking about it now, while performing it, he realises it was a mistake to choose this song given what has happened between him and Regulus. Not that he planned any of it, God, he wishes he had at least planned it. But no, everything was genuine and maybe he just needed it to let it out his chest before something official happened between him and James.
“When he calls to me, I am ready. I'll wash his feet with my hair if he needs,” they made adjustments to the song to make it fit better with their style, and the fans seem to enjoy it, because they sing it louder. “Forgive him when his tongue lies through his brain, even after three times, he betrays me,” Barty’s always loved this song for some reason.
“I'll bring him down, bring him down, down,” he hears Regulus sing on his right and yup, that’s why. The song has always been a song he enjoys singing at parties, and it was rare the time Regulus would join him (at singing, not partying, contrary to popular beliefs, Regulus is a big party boy). Although Regulus never sang it as he does right now, Barty always loved that he would join him. “A king with no crown, king with no crown.”
Without giving it a lot of thought he moves to be closer to Regulus, just as he’s done on previous shows. Despite everything, the two of them have really good stage chemistry.
“I'm just a Holy Fool, oh baby,” he notices that the other man is looking down at his bass, avoiding eye contact so he reaches to touch Regulus’ cheek and, given by how close they are right now, he can see the slight pink on his cheeks that he is sure the lights are covering for the rest of them to see. Good. This is something only Barty will know. “It's so cruel, but I'm still in love with Judas, baby,” he sings the line just as Regulus looks up at him. “I'm in love with Juda-as, Juda-as.”
Barty respects Regulus’ decision to be with James. He truly does. But right now? Fuck. It’s hard to remember. Because when Regulus’ sings and moves like that it’s sinful. And the clothes Dorcas (damn her) chose for him should be illegal. Regulus is wearing black flared pants with a black vest… he should mention that the pants are low waist and the vest is a little cropped.
Oh, and he’s wearing eyeliner. Again.
Sinful.
“I couldn't love a man so purely,” as Regulus sings, Barty starts thinking that maybe it wasn’t a great idea to get close to him, because he feels like he is the prey of a snake. “Even prophets forgave his goofy way,” Regulus grabs his mic and circles Barty. To the crowd this surely looks like they are performing and it was planned to be this way (that’s how good their chemistry is, thank you very much), but to Barty is like being taunted and being teased at. “I've learned love is like a brick, you can build a house or sink a dead body.”
“I'm just a Holy Fool, oh baby it's so cruel, but I'm still in love with Judas, baby,” Barty sings. Why does it feel so intimate despite hundreds of people watching them?
Evan is the one to sing the rest of the chorus and he moves away from Regulus who gives him a narrow look, like he doesn’t like that he is pulling away. But he manages to stay on the other side of the stage for the duration of the breakdown, until he has to get close to his mic stand again.
“In the most Biblical sense, I am beyond repentance,” he sings, he loves this part. “Fame hooker, prostitute, wench vomits her mind,” he sings and before he knows Regulus is now getting closer to him. And fuck him. He does the thing he did the other night, he uses Barty’s mic to sing his part.
“But in the cultural sense, I just speak in future tense, Judas, kiss me, if offenced or wear ear condom next time,” the bastard raises his eyebrow and takes a step back, lifts his left hand and has his own mic there. “I wanna love you,” he sings and Barty frowns because that part was supposed to be sung by Evan. “But something's pulling me away from you,” Regulus looks behind Barty so he turns just to be faced with James backstage. “Jesus is my virtue,” he looks again at Barty. “And Judas is the demon I cling to…”
“I cling to,” he sings the high note.
The rest of the show Barty feels numb, he knows he enjoys it, but he’s not sure he’s entirely present for the rest of it. He keeps orbiting around Regulus, as much as he’s trying to avoid it, they keep getting closer.
At the end of their show the tension is strong between Regulus and him, but as soon as they leave the stage, Regulus goes straight to James.
“You were amazing, love,” he smiles but even Barty can see it isn’t as genuine as it could be.
“Thanks,” Regulus says and gives them a look before leaving together with James.
After that, Barty decides he wants to leave the venue early, tomorrow he will apologise with the girls (because he hasn’t missed a single one of their shows), but tonight he’s had enough. Thank goodness Pandora likes him because she calls a driver for him and gives him a sympathetic look and off he goes.
Once in his room he turns on his phone and goes into Twitter, which has been blowing up to a point he had to turn off his notifications at some point, and reads what fans are saying about tonight’s show. Lately that’s something he enjoys doing. He’s about to turn off his phone again when he sees one that catches his attention.
@padf00tlover
do you guys think they are dating?? bc after todays show i 100% believe they are
|
Reply to @padf00tlover:
@rmslpn10
Who are we talking bout?
|
Reply to @padf00t and @rmslpn10:
@karlysekan
barty and regulus of course, i wasnt there but the photos and videos do not lie
Another one.
@peterssslvt
so… can we address the elephant in the room or??? (im talking abt regulus and barty)
And then another one.
@bartysgf
Guys, they are best FRIENDS!!!!! They are not dating! God, not everyone is gay.
|
Reply to @bartysgf
@moony.loony
u r right not everyone, but they are… at least for each other;)
First of all, ‘Barty's girlfriend’? Woah, he really is making a name for himself out there. And second, are they talking about him and Reg? They think they are dating ? Fuck, he wishes. He fucking wishes.
It’s only now that he allows himself to truly feel. Feel the agonising pain of losing Regulus like that. Can he even lose him? He never knew he had him in the first place! Still, he mourns what could have been, what was and what will never be. And he despises that, he absolutely hates this. Regulus is… everything to him. He’s never admitted the length of his feelings, not even to himself but right now he feels he’s been crushed by the weight of them. Deep down he’s always wanted to be with Regulus, but also known that it would never happen, because he thought it was unrequited.
And it wasn’t.
Until now.
And the worst part? He fucking likes James, he admires him and he is fun, he’s liked him since before he met him. Of course he’s heard his music. He enjoys it. Does he enjoy watching the way Regulus looks at him? No. But it’s genuine, something Barty’s never seen in him, it’s pure happiness. A kind of happiness he rarely sees on the man and that is something Barty loves.
That should be enough for now.