Indelible scars, pivotal marks
Sirius wants to distract himself by helping Effie with the dinner, but it is absolutely useless. Somehow, his thoughts always seem to go back to the look on Regulus’ face when he shook his head, meaning that he didn’t want to talk to them. He gets it, okay? He knows why Regulus doesn’t want to talk to him but doesn’t make it easier. Sirius just wants to talk to his little brother, he is tired of the fighting and bickering, the long angry glances and convincing himself that he should keep their distance with the younger Black. Because quite frankly, it is useless, they want to be close to him, but at the same time, there’s so much history and unresolved trauma.
That’s how he ends up cutting his middle finger with a knife, nothing that requires stitches, but definitely a band-aid. They just hiss and lick his cut, which stings even more.
“Oh, are you okay?” Effie asks when she notices what is happening.
“Yeah, yeah. Just a stupid cut, see?” They shake their hand and show her the cut. Effie takes his hand with the delicacy and steadiness of a mother, she examines the cut and lets his hand down gently. Effie nods and they go back to cooking, Sirius has always loved being in the kitchen with his mum, it is something that soothes his soul. The love and peace that Effie emanates is relaxing, it used to overwhelm them but now it is one of the few things that makes him feel at home.
“He is a gentleman, isn’t he? Grew up to be quite a man,” Effie casually says, breaking the silence but continuing cooking. Sirius knows who she is talking about. If they are honest, they were waiting for her to bring him up, it was a matter of time.
“Yeah, I guess,” he shrugs.
“I never pictured him like that. You used to talk about him so much, but never showed us a picture. I’m surprised James didn’t know he was your sibling, the resemblance is there,” she shakes her head and chuckles. “But our James has always been blind, hasn’t he?”
Sirius chuckles as well, despite the hole in his chest consuming his air. “Believe me I told him the same thing.”
“It looks like he really likes him,” Effie says, continuing her conversation.
“James is a bit gone for him.”
“Yes, he is,” she nods, agreeing with them. “But I was talking about Regulus. I can tell he really likes my son,” she explains, stopping what she was doing and turning to see Sirius. “How do you feel about that?”
How do they feel about that?
What a great question.
“I wrote so many songs about him. About us, about what it meant to have him out of my life, about missing him, about how much I hate him, about how much I love him. And now he is here, he is upstairs and I still want to write songs about the same things. Like nothing has changed but everything has,” Sirius sighs. “I still hate him as much as I love him. Or maybe I just hate the way I still love him and never stopped,” Effie nods along, meaning she is listening. “And the person who is comforting him is James, out of all the people in the world, he is the one giving comfort to my brother. It’s- Mum, it is a lot, I want to talk to Regulus and a part of me is going feral at the thought of him not being okay, like… like I have to protect him from anyone. But at the same time, I want to keep my distance, because I feel safer that way. Does it make sense? Because I feel like it doesn’t.”
“My boy, it makes complete sense, even if it doesn’t,” Effie tells them. “Maybe, you don’t have to talk to him, but you and James have always had a way of talking through your songs, maybe you could sing about it? I mean, you’ll eventually have to talk to him, but for now, could it be an option?”
“I don’t know if I want him to hear what I wrote yet, besides, we can’t get out of our problems by singing all the time. I know I have to talk to Regulus, mum.”
Their mother just nods and turns around to finish cooking dinner. Sirius watches her and thanks whatever God that sent him to her, she’s been there in his worst times even before he went to the Potter’s. When he was a child, he would come up with any kind of lie to tell Walburga just so he could go to James’ house. They never told James, but sometimes he would accept the invitation to go just so they could help Euphemia in the kitchen or talk to Monty about anything.
“Hey, do you need help with anything?” James asks as he enters the kitchen, Sirius looks at him and shakes his head.
“No, love, but thank you. How is he?” Their mother asks because that’s just who she is, worrying and caring about everyone.
“He is… alright. He’s with Barty now,” James explains and sits on the free space of the counter, just to gain scoldings from Sirius and Effie.
“What have we told you?” Sirius says, slapping James on the arm. James tries to cover himself but the idiot is laughing.
“Oi, oi, I’m moving, I’m moving!” He laughs and gets off the counter. “Gosh, you are worse than mum,” James says.
“Hey!” Effie frowns but smiles.
“Piss off, I’m not,” Sirius shakes his head but smiles as well.
“I’ll leave you boys to it, I’m going to tell everyone dinner is ready,” Effie announces before exiting the kitchen, they hear her calling for Monty and the others.
“You are,” James continues the bickering. “But it’s okay, I love you the same,” James tries to give him a kiss on the cheek and Sirius tries to get away just for James to embrace him and hold him in place, even so they dodge every attempt that James does.
“You really are trying to steal my boyfriend, aren’t you?” Moony is standing on the entrance of the kitchen next to Sabina and Donna, he is joking but his posture is somehow not. Hot.
“I think that you stole them from James, brother,” Donna tilts her head amused.
“Oh, you are absolutely right, Donna. Finally someone that gets me!” James jokes, not letting Sirius go. By now, they are just holding each other.
“Yeah, Remus, you are the bad guy here, poor James had to watch Sirius go,” Sabina teases and shakes her head in disapproval.
“My heart was truly broken,” James sighs and drops his head on Sirius’ shoulder, they just pull their arm out from James’ grip and strokes his hair.
“I’m sorry, Prongs,” Sirius plays along. “But just look at him!” They all turn to see Remus at the same time. James nods, agreeing, but doesn’t move from his shoulder so they continue caressing his hair.
“You know what? I see it,” James nods again. Remus flushes but rolls his eyes. “But there’s not an argument that’ll be enough to mend my broken heart.”
“I wish I had better words to ease your heart, but just know that it was never my intention to make you sad and-”
“You’ve made him sad?”
James' head perks at the sound of the voice, all of their attention turns to him. Regulus is standing next to Barty behind Donna, his nose is a little pink and Sirius hates to know that it was because he wanted to cry, telling by the shade of pink he knows that he didn’t. He hates that he still knows those things, deep down he is glad those details haven’t changed. But what Sirius hates the most is that he may have the reason why.
“No, love, they didn’t. It’s all Moony’s fault,” James explains, but still doesn’t let go of Sirius. Regulus can clearly see that, because the mare look he is giving them is almost burning Sirius alive.
“Don’t bring me into this,” Remus raises his hands.
“But it is your fault,” James insists.
“Hey, Potter, you have the other Black, back off,” Sabina says and goes to take a seat on the table, Donna following her.
Sabina is the youngest in the house and yet she is the most fearless and careless of them all. Nobody has dared to acknowledge the fact that Regulus and Sirius are brothers, as no one has said anything directly about James being with Regulus. But of course, she had to defend her brother at the sight of a possible threat, and hey, Sirius respects that a lot, but come on, did she have to make it that awkward now?
James finally lets Sirius go and it should be pathetic how much they want to pout because of that, the kind of friendship they have is something no one will ever be able to describe, they are best friends, but that’s not enough, they are -in a way- brothers, but that’s not enough, they are soulmates, and sometimes, even that is not enough. They were written in the same font, made for the other to have a safe place, made for them to meet. There is no universe where they aren’t this close, where they don’t find the other. It sounds hell of romantic, but it is not, because not even a relationship would be enough for what they are. Everything they are and feel often is called ‘best friend’, but they just know that as long as the other is close, they can be enough.
Remus goes to sit next to his sisters, followed by Barty, Regulus is left there standing waiting for an answer. James notices it as well, “for years Remus has been joking about me wanting to steal Sirius from him,” he explains and Regulus nods, then walks and grabs James’ wrist and leads them to take a seat next to Barty. Sirius watches the way James is looking at Regulus, trying to decipher something and he does. “You know it is only a joke, right, love?”
“Is it?” Regulus asks back. And now Sirius can see what James saw, Regulus is feeling insecure about whether or not James wanted Sirius first.
“Of course it is,” Sirius dares to mingle in the conversation, sitting between James and Remus (leaving two seats free, which most likely will be for Effie and Monty). Regulus looks at him and then James. “James has never looked at me that way.”
“That’s true, as much as I love him, it has never been romantically,” James says. Regulus hasn’t let go of his wrist.
“What about you?” Regulus asks Sirius and as every other time he has spoken directly to them, they struggle to breathe properly.
“Never. Remus is the only one for me,” he says firmly and feels how Remus' hand rests on their thigh and squeezes. Before Regulus can say anything else, their parents enter the kitchen along with the rest, they sit on the table with them while the rest find a place around the kitchen. The dinner isn’t anything too fancy, but it is actually quite delicious because Effie (and Sirius) did it.
“You know what I want to do?” Marlene asks no one in particular, she is not at the table but they all put their attention on her. “I want to tattoo, it’s been a while since I last tattooed someone and I miss it,” she pouts.
“You tattoo?” Dorcas asks her, sounding bemused.
“Yeah! I went to courses and everything, I enjoy it quite a lot, why do you think the guys have so many tattoos? They got most of them for free.”
“Are you all tattooed?” Dorcas asks the guys now.
“No, Pete here hasn’t decided on what he wants,” Mary informs her while dropping her hand on Peter’s shoulder who is next to her. “But even us have some tattoos,” she says and shows Dorcas her wrist where she has a number three tattooed. Dorcas turns to Marlene who extends her wrist as well, then Lily mimics their movement. Out of the three girls, the one with the most tattoos is Marlene, then Lily, Mary barely has four.
“Even Pandora and Emmeline have at least one tattoo,” Marlene adds. The girls nod agreeing with that. They all have matching tattoos, they decided to do it after they finished their last tour, it meant so much to them as friends and as a team.
“You really are that close,” Evan says, it is not a question, it is an affirmation.
“We are,” Pandora says delicately.
“At some point we all have matching tattoos, we have one as a team with Pan and Emme, the girls have theirs as a band, and us as a band as well, minus Peter,” James explains and shrugs. “As memorable as all of this seems, it means a lot for us to have it on us at all times. Reminders of the family we’ve created. You three form part of that family now,” James looks at Evan, Barty and Regulus.
“Thank you, James,” Evan says almost shyly. “That’s really kind,” Barty makes a sound agreeing with Evan and Regulus only turns to look at his plate, moving the food with his fork, meaning he isn’t feeling comfortable or is overthinking something.
“Oh! I could tattoo you, guys!” Marlene exclaims and they look at her again. “I mean not to have shared tattoos with us, but something the three of you or something personal. Please let me tattoo you, I really, really, want to tattoo,” she puts her hands together and practically begs them to let her.
“I want a tattoo, was going to get another one anyways,” Barty shrugs and sips on a… Capri Sun?
“You already have tattoos?” Donna asks him, Barty grins at her and nods.
“Had to disappoint my father somehow, what better way than to do what he hated the most. But he hated a lot of things so it was easy to do so,” Barty shrugs and they can hear a small, quiet chuckle from Regulus. A sound Sirius hasn’t heard in a while but was longing to hear again. “I believe, me kissing another bloke was what killed him,” he laughs and so does Evan.
“Most definitely,” Evan agrees and nods, Regulus nods as well.
“He had it coming,” Regulus shrugs but there’s a sharp edge on his voice. Oh, Regulus hated that man, Sirius can tell that much. “Stop doing that,” Regulus suddenly spats at Sirius and it tools everybody by surprise, even Regulus looks surprised like he didn’t plan to say it.
“Do what?” Sirius asks, hyper aware of the attention they have right now.
“You know what,” Regulus murmurs and looks anywhere else but Sirius. The thing is, he does know what Regulus is talking about and it comes counterproductive that Regulus tells him to stop it and then tells him that he knows. Well, they just can’t, it’s not their fault that Regulus has changed but is still the same underneath, at least the same enough for Sirius to still be able to read him as an open book.
“Can’t help it, Regulus. You’re doing the same,” Sirius informs him, because just as Sirius reads him easily, Regulus does too. Despite everything, despite the differences and disagreements, they are brothers. Whether they like it or not, they do know each other. Against all odds, they are blood and they grew up together, enough time to know the other.
“I hate this,” he mutters and Sirius can’t tell what that means.
“So, when can you tattoo us?” Barty asks, removing the attention they just had. He didn’t do it for him, that’s a fact. It was for Regulus, because just as Sirius was uncomfortable, Regulus was too and something they’ve come to notice is the protectiveness from Barty that follows his little brother.
“Did I pack my kit?” Marlene asks Pandora and she nods.
“You always pack it, Marls. I don’t think you ever leave a place without it. That’s why them,” Pandora points towards James, Remus and Sirius. “Have so many tattoos.”
“Only from the best,” Remus shrugs.
“Thank you,” Marlene says to Moony and then turns her gaze to Barty. “Yeah, I can tattoo you tonight if you’re up for it,” she nods.
“Hell yeah!” Barty exclaims.
-
Regulus isn’t sure why he agreed to do this, he is not the kind to do impulsive things. He likes to think things through, think things to the future and how they may affect him. A tattoo? Definitely a permanent thing he is going to have in his future. So why did he have to agree? He isn’t sure if it was pressure, because apparently everyone that has toured has at least a tattoo (except for Pettigrew), and now he is touring as well so the next thing he should do is a tattoo, right? No, but he already agreed and he may not be a hundred percent sure, but, oh well.
Barty is the first one to go, he already knows what he is going to get, he told Marlene his idea and she asked him to give him half an hour to do the sketch and now they are waiting for her to do it. Regulus noticed that Marlene has tattoos all over her arms, but he never would’ve thought that it was because she was a tattoo artist herself. Her tattoos are great, she told them that she did as many as she could on herself but there were spots where it was just impossible to do it herself and apparently Sirius did some, he is no expert but knows how to do them.
“So you have tattooed them all?” Evan asks, referring to The Marauders.
“Yes, I have,” Marlene says, smiling and nodding along. “Remus is my favourite one to tattoo, he isn’t a little bitch like the rest,” she smirks as she draws lines on her iPad. Call him old fashioned but he really thought she was going to be drawing on paper.
“Oi, I’m not a little bitch,” James says, who has been by his side the whole time they are waiting. After dinner they decided to use their room to get the tattoos, Marlene set everything up and cleaned the space so meticulously it impressed him. Now they are sitting on the bunk beds, James and Regulus on the top one, while Barty and Evan on the lower one, Marlene in a chair next to the bed in front of them. James is wrapping his shoulders with one arm while their backs are leaning on the wall, their feet are dropping on the edge of the bed.
“Of course you aren’t, baby,” Regulus whispers to James, making sure nobody hears him, only James who smiles sheepishly and ducks so he can kiss the top of his head. How did they get here so fast? Regulus has no clue, but he can’t seem to be apart from James for too long, and apparently neither can James. In some corner of his mind, he feels weak for letting all of this happen, a constant reminder that he should’ve been stronger and keep true to his word of ending things with the other man, but then there was James telling him that he really likes him and, well, Regulus has never been as strong as he likes to believe.
“Should I get a tattoo as well?” James asks out of nowhere.
“Do you want to get one?” He asks back. James thinks about it.
“I have been thinking about doing one, but I think it can wait,” James shrugs and turns to look at Regulus, who was already looking at James. “Do you already know what you are getting?”
“Yeah,” he avoids telling him that he isn’t sure about the tattoo itself. “I have this thing that I’ve always thought about having as a reminder,” Regulus shrugs. It is something he grew up listening to, as much as he wanted to part ways from his old-fashioned family, some things linger and some things are impossible to get rid of. Those are the things that have shaped him, made him who he is and who he will be.
Soon enough, Barty was being tattooed by Marlene. He chose to get it on his hip bone and Marlene warned him that it was going to be a bit painful, what she didn’t know was that Barty is quite enjoying it. The weirdo.
“Man, I love getting these things,” Barty says as soon as his tattoo is done and he is looking at himself, he is shirtless and his jeans are low on his hips, if James Potter wasn’t holding him right now, Regulus would be salivating by how good Barty looked. Because he looks so good right now, his pupils are dilated and his cheeks are flushed and his tattoo has a light red around it. Should be sinful this look on him but somehow it just makes him more Barty. “Thank you very much, McKinnon,” Barty grins at her and just because the woman is a lesbian doesn’t mean Barty’s gonna stop being a flirt.
“Thank you, I’ve missed this. Between tour and recording I haven’t had time,” she explains as she cleans her area, removing and throwing away the things she used with Barty so she can replace it with new clean things for Evan who’s just waiting for Marlene. He chose a rose burning in flames, Marlene managed to do his sketch faster than Barty’s, so he didn’t have to wait long but unlike Barty, Evan had no thrill at the pain the needle brought him. Barty laughed at him but still gave him his hand so he could squeeze it while Marlene did her job.
At some point, James left because Euphemia was calling for him and Regulus resented the loss of warmth next to him. Still, he watched as Marlene cleaned the ink and traced the line again on Evan’s skin.
“So, Regulus,” Marlene speaks up, still concentrating on Evan, Regulus shifts awkwardly in his place. “What are your intentions with James?” She asks and he knew she was going to ask something related to James but that? Isn’t that something that Euphemia or Fleamont have to ask? Even Barty looks startled by her question, but then he has an amused look on his face.
“Why?” He asks back, not sure what he has to say. What are his intentions with James anyway? He just wants to feel James next to him, close to him, in him. He just wants to feel everything with James and that shit is scary so saying it outloud or even thinking about it makes it more real than it has to be.
“Oh, just because Effie and Monty are too kind to ever ask you that, but I feel like I have honorary privileges to ask you. Commonly, it’s Sirius who asks James’ partners, but given the situation, it’s me,” she shrugs, not looking at Regulus at all. “He asked Lily years ago and although Sirius can be, well, serious he isn’t half scary as Lily. Nobody is. Maybe Pandora,” she says without realising that she just confirmed his guess about Lily and James. In her defence, it was pretty obvious, but still, all those looks they have shared leave an uneasy feeling inside Regulus. That explains how Lily always seems to know what James needs and vice versa, they have a past that continues in the present, Regulus has no idea how much of that past is not only their past but the present. Because whether he likes it or not, there is love between them, he’s seen it. “So what are your intentions?” Marlene asks again.
“Whatever my intentions are, I believe I have the right to keep them private,” he opts to answer, coming a bit harsher than he intended. “But just know that they are good,” he adds. “I’d never wanted to hurt James, that is not the goal here. He’s way too pure to be hurt by anyone, he deserves great amazing things.”
“That’s enough,” Marlene says and for the first time in the conversation, she smiles at him and Regulus has a feeling that she approves of him. “You know, I’ve met James longer than anyone,” she returns her gaze to Evan’s tattoo. “Our parents were friends and then we moved in next to the Potter’s, not where they live now, but yeah, so if you ever want me to tell you an embarrassing story of James just let me know,” she smiles at him as she cleans one more time the ink and Regulus has no other choice than to smile her back.
Marlene is fine, he thinks, they all are but at the same time they are people he wouldn’t choose to be friends with. Maybe Pandora, Emmeline and Dorcas, but the rest? He doesn’t think he would’ve talked to them if they were in different circumstances, not because he thinks he is better or they are bad people, no. But because it just wouldn’t happen. He is extremely selective with who he talks and spends time with. And somehow he likes this people more than he thought, at least a few of them, he hasn’t talked too much with Pettigrew, Macdonald and Lupin.
“Done!” Marlene says. “You can check it in the mirror before I wrap it,” she offers Evan a smile and Evan does what she said. The tattoo is amazing, Regulus is almost envious of his friends’ tattoos when he chose something simple, the only thing Marlene had to do with his sketch was choose the font he liked the most, it didn't take more than ten minutes, unlike his friends. “As soon as I get this cleaned it’s your turn,” Marlene says and repeats the same process she did after Barty.
“Let me see,” Barty says as he grabs Evan’s arm, careful not to touch where the tattoo is, as gentle as he can be with his roughness. Evan lifts his arm in an angle where Barty can appreciate the tattoo. “It’s so damn good, this is- what? Your third tattoo?”
“Fourth one, actually,” Evan grins.
“When did you get the third one? We’ve been with you every time you’ve done one,” Regulus tilts his head as he asks.
“I did it a while ago, you were still with Mulciber,” Evan explains and Regulus grimaces. Right, that time of his life.
“Oh, yeah! I remember,” Barty nods his head and smiles, letting go of Evan’s arm.
“You’re up, Black,” Marlene says and it feels weird to hear her call him by his last name. Barty puts an arm around his shoulders and guides him to the seat in front of Marlene, as if he knows that if he doesn't Regulus will back up (and he isn’t wrong).
“Where do you want it?” she asks and Regulus points to the top of the inner part of his elbow, just above where the arm flexes. “Are you sure you want this?” Marlene asks in a very serious tone that confuses Regulus because she didn’t ask that to the rest of his friends but maybe it was because they seem to be more sure of what they wanted.
“Yes.”
“Alright, let’s get this started,” she adjusts the stencil and once it is in the right place, she turns on the machine. Barty sits next to him and as he did with Evan, he offers him a hand which he takes, but if he is completely honest with himself, he understands why Barty was so thrilled, the pain is there but it isn’t as bad as he thought. He knows Barty can see it in his face because the other man smirks.
“Hey, I’m back,” they all (except Marlene) turn to see James who is frozen in his place, looking at his hand tangled with Barty’s. “Are you alright?” He asks, his gaze is now on Regulus' face but his eyes have darkened, like he is genuinely concerned but something is really bothering. Regulus has to suppress a shiver so he doesn’t move and his tattoo fucks up.
“I’m fine,” Regulus answers and James just nods and sits next to Evan, Regulus frowns because he could’ve sworn that he was going to sit next to him, he shrugs mentally and concentrates on the lines Marlene is doing, enjoying the cold when she cleans the leftover ink. He can see James taking out his phone typing fast on it and Regulus feels like a little kid about to throw a tantrum because he isn’t receiving the attention he wants but is so scared to ask.
“Hey, Marls,” a new person enters the room and Regulus closes his eyes, hoping they think it is because of the pain of the tattoo. He squeezes Barty’s hand and he squeezes back.
“Hi, Sirius, want to get one?” Marlene asks without lifting her eyes from Regulus’ arm.
“I’ll think about it, Moony is giving me a hard time about getting more tattoos as if he didn’t have just as many as I do,” he huffs. Marlene stops the machine and looks at James.
“They are whipped,” she says and James laughs.
“They really are doing what Remus says,” James teases.
They?
Regulus turns to look at Barty (because it is easier to face his best friend than Sirius) and mutters, ‘they?’ Barty nods and mutters back, ‘pronouns’. What else about Sirius he doesn’t know? What else does he want to know?
“Alright, I’m almost finished,” Marlene returns her attention to his arm and just as she said, in a couple of minutes she finished. “Is it okay?” She asks him, he can’t stop looking at it, almost afraid to show it to anyone else. He nods.
“Let me see, Star,” James stands next to him and Regulus hesitates to show him because Sirius is next to James. But he shows him anyway. James’ smile flatters. “It’s beautiful, love,” he says and ducks to kiss his head.
“I’ll wrap it now,” Marlene says and Regulus lends her his arm again. He can feel Sirius’ gaze burning him. Once Marlene is finished, he does everything he can to avoid Sirius.
“Regulus,” Sirius calls him, but he decides to ignore him and leaves the room, it doesn’t matter because they follow him. “Regulus,” they try again.
“I didn’t know you changed your pronouns, I’m sorry,” Regulus stops in the hallway making Sirius almost bump into him.
“What?” Sirius looks confused. “Yeah, changed them years ago, but ‘he’ is still okay, I thought you knew,” Regulus looks at him tilting his head.
“How could I have possibly known?”
“Well, now you know,” Sirius shrugs. “But Regulus, we need to talk about-”
“There’s nothing to talk about!”
“Regulus,” they try to get his attention but the boy keeps rambling on. “Regulus,” they try again and start pulling his own sleeve up, enough for it to show. “Regulus!” Sirius raises his voice enough to catch his brother’s attention, manages to step in front of the younger one, then points to the spot on his arm. Regulus looks at it, really looks at it. Examines it and starts shaking his head.
“No, no,” he says, still shaking his head and still looking at the tattoo. “Sirius,” Regulus looks at him. “Sirius, why do you have this?”
“Why do I have it? Why did you get it?” he asks in exchange.
“For the same exact reason as you, I presume.”
They look at each other's tattoos, almost in the same spot where the other got it, both in the left forearm, the font and angle different from the other but the letters say the same thing.
Toujours Pur.
“They really fucked us up, didn’t they?” Sirius asks softly.
“They did,” Regulus answers and leaves his brother standing behind him.