Just this once
2022
When Regulus was a kid, he found some comfort in writing his thoughts and feelings, there was something about doing that than in saying them out loud. He felt safer, because he knew that no one would ever read them. Back then, there was only one person he would’ve let read them, but he tries not to think too much about when he was a kid. He feels like a lifetime ago and maybe it has been a lifetime, as he is now twenty-three, he is not a kid anymore.
He lived with his parents in London, then at the age of eleven he moved to France to attend Beauxbatons Academy until he finished school, although he went back to London in the summers, he felt France was more his home, where he belonged or the closest place where he belonged. Beauxbatons is the place where he met his best friends, he shared a dorm with a kid named Barty, Regulus hated him at first, he thought he was too loud and kind of annoying… He still thinks that, but now he knows him and is fond of him. There is no world where Barty isn’t his best friend. Actually, Regulus has no idea how they worked out a friendship, because he swears there is not a single thought in Barty’s mind whilst in his there are extra thoughts than he should have. Either way, he is grateful to have someone like Barty in his life, he keeps it exciting. When they were in third year, a blonde exchange kid took the place of the guy they were sharing a dorm with and it was the missing piece in the dorm, because as soon as the boy started talking Regulus adored him. There was no way anyone could not love Evan Rosier. He was full of life and excitement, while Regulus wasn’t. He brought him some balance. And you’ll see, Regulus has never been someone to make friends easily, it troubles him meeting new people, he feels awkward and out of place, maybe that’s the reason why he likes the ones he has, because there’s no one else for him.
Since then it has been the three of them, even when Regulus has a bad month and tries to push them away, they never let him. They stay by his side. With time, they learned when to let him be and when to distract him, they learned that Regulus didn’t like physical touch, so they always avoided doing it. There is no doubt in Regulus’ mind that he is with the people he is meant to be. That’s why they decided to stay in France after they graduated, they got a nice small apartment in Paris with the inheritance the three got once they were out of age, they lived there happily. He made the best memories in that apartment thanks to his friends and a beautiful stranger.
Eventually around two years ago they decided to move back to London. Well, it was back for Barty and Regulus, Evan has never lived anywhere else but France. Even though Regulus was afraid to go back to the place where people he didn’t want to run into lived, he knew it was a city big enough to make the probabilities of that happening low. He still is happy with that choice, although he misses speaking French, he still does with Evan, but it is not the same.
Right now, Regulus is writing in his journal, a notebook with the spine and corners worn out, he loves his journal and the time he dedicates to write on it. He doesn’t get to do it so often, but when he does he feels like it is a personal time he has, it’s peaceful. A peace that is soon disturbed by Barty who bursts into his room agitated.
“Reg, my love, my friend, my dear,” his friend says as he sits on the edge of his bed. Regulus is in the chair of his desk. “We need your help.”
“Who’s we?” Regulus asks and as if he was waiting for that question, Evan enters his room without being agitated as Barty is.
“Hey, Reg,” Evan greets him as a normal person. Regulus nods to Evan who sits next to Barty.
“With what do you need my help?” he asks and slowly closes his notebook just to make sure his thoughts are still safe.
“You know how yesterday we kicked out Severus of the band?”
Ah, yes. Barty and Evan have a band, their third member was Severus who they met a year ago in a pub somewhere in London. Regulus never met him, but he heard the fight they had just last night. It was bad, lots of screaming, it was triggering if he is honest, but after Severus left, Barty bursted into his room and apologised for all the noise. Regulus doesn’t know if Barty knew that it triggered him or if he was just being a good friend and roommate. The point is, that they are a band and have been for about two years and now they don’t have a third member, as usual.
“No,” is all Regulus says. Because no. He will not be their third member.
“Oh, Regulus, you didn’t even let me tell you,” Barty frowns.
“I am not joining your band, I told you years ago and I still stand by it,” Regulus says.
Barty, still frowning, gets up and leaves the room, it takes him by surprise, because that is not something Barty does, he always is in a good mood and happy to talk. What he just did is more a Regulus thing to do. He turns to see Evan, looking for an answer.
“You can’t blame him. There is a contest we are supposed to attend next week and they only allow bands and not duos, three members to five,” Evan explains. “He was really looking forward to winning. The winner gets to tour with an unknown but famous band all over Europe and here in the UK,” his eyes are shining with excitement and Regulus knows that it is not just Barty who is looking forward to winning.
“Then why did you kick Severus out?” he asks.
“He only talked about being better than some dudes he went to school with. Kinda lame, if you ask me,” Evan shrugs. “Besides, I am sure you heard him play at least once, he wasn’t as good as we needed him to be if we wanted to win.” Regulus indeed heard him a couple of times, he was not bad but he wasn’t great either. Whenever he heard him, he could hear how he was out of time with Barty and Evan. He didn’t fit well with them. “We know you play some instruments well, we just wanted you to join us next week. They said they would make a choice between three and four weeks to make a decision so we thought we could find someone in that time. All you have to do is play with us, Reg,” it was a question, a question Regulus has no clue how to answer. He plays six instruments, thanks to his dear mother he had to learn how to play them growing up, but it has been months since he last played something. Besides, he is not sure if he is made to be on a stage. “Believe me, we wouldn’t be asking if we didn’t have to,” Evan keeps talking. “Just this once, please.”
Just this once. Well, one time is not going to kill him.
“Just this once,” Regulus says and Evan smiles so much it almost makes Regulus almost smile as well.
“Let me go tell Barty, he is going to be so happy,” Evan says as he gets up.
That night Barty comes into Regulus’ room and starts telling him all he needs to know. He arrives with plenty of musical sheets of their songs and the lyrics to all of them. Barty explains that they are going to help him learn all of them and they can dedicate the weekend to practise. Regulus feels overwhelmed by all of it, he feels a little pressure but he knows he will not have trouble learning them, the lyrics however… he wouldn’t call himself a great singer. Barty was a natural singer as Evan, but Regulus just wasn’t.
When the weekend came, Regulus had already been practising with his guitar to see if he still could play it well enough to help his best friends. Then he had been learning the songs, it wasn’t hard to forget what he once knew. He even realised he missed it, the feeling of all the cords felt in his fingers, suddenly he missed the piano he used to play when he was younger. Something about the thought made him remember the stranger he met a few years ago, but as usual with things that make him feel things , he tossed it to the back of his mind, that place that he tried to ignore because it’s too much. For now, he’ll just focus on what is going on at the moment and that is helping his friends.
Regulus has had many strict teachers and yet none of them compare to how Barty is teaching him the songs, even when he already knows them. In Barty’s words: ‘You have to feel them, Regulus!’ Evan would only laugh while Regulus rolled his eyes. By noon, he played all songs perfectly, he was utterly proud of himself because of that. The real challenge came when Barty told him to sing one of the songs.
“But you just asked me to play , not sing,” he says, shaking his head.
“Just sing one and we can decide from there, Regulus.”
Regulus frowns and his friends pout, making puppy eyes. How did he end up with two ridiculous men as best friends? Well, it’s not like his personality gave him much of a choice, he thinks. He rolled his eyes and started singing while playing his bass (because Barty already had the guitar); he was sure he wasn’t doing it right, but he still got going, feeling the music as Barty would say. The words didn’t vibrate with him but the cords in his fingers did. When he ended the song, Barty and Evan were smiling, Barty even started laughing.
“That bad, huh?” Regulus scoffs, it stings being laughed at.
“Bad? Fucking hell, how was that bad, Regulus?” Evan asks and Barty still laughs, shaking his head.
“You are an awful friend, really,” Barty tells him, mixing signals, because he just told him that he was a bad friend, but his tone was fond and his smile was soft. “How could you let us have Severus for a year when you were the perfect addition to our band? That’s just mean, Regulus.”
If there is something Regulus has never been good at (a part of many things) is knowing how to accept compliments, he always has felt that he didn’t deserve them. So he just stays there looking at his friends without doing anything. He just stays still. The silence is awful.
“We are so going to win this,” Evan dares to break the silence and Barty cheers with him, Regulus looks at them. This is going to be just a one time thing.
-
After a whole week of rehearsals, Regulus endured Barty’s screams and Evan’s comments about how to move while being on stage, even though it is just a small place which most likely will have a small stage as well, but Evan insisted that he had to be prepared for every single little possibility.
When the day came, the main concern for Barty was what they were going to wear , for Evan was if they were going to be late and for Regulus was if he was going to be good enough to win this for his friends. Barty and Evan decided not to have a last rehearsal, trusting they will make it out perfectly. Regulus, however, was unsure of this, he had been in a band for less than ten days, he didn’t have the confidence his friends had as they had already played in small places where there were actual people listening to them, watching them perform. This led him to sing all the words in his head all the way to the place, as well as to play the chords in the air.
As they approached the venue, he felt unsure of what to expect from himself, he knows he is capable of playing the songs and somehow singing them, but he’s never done this with an audience, let alone for a competition. He never in a million years would’ve thought he would use the knowledge his mother forced him to have for someone he cares deeply for.
Once they got there, they got their things out of the car and were told to register, after they did all they had left was to wait.
And wait.
And wait.
It was eternal, the waiting. Regulus sat the whole time, with his legs bent and his arms resting on his knees while his back was laying on the wall, sometimes he would rest his head on his arms. Evan decided he was going to lay down on the ground, listening to music on his headphones. Barty, on the other hand, wouldn’t stop pacing, he was getting on Regulus’ nerves, if he wasn’t nervous and stressed he would’ve demanded Barty to stop. In fact, he was about to do it before someone called them, it was time.
It was time. He felt his body go cold. This is it. A whole week for this moment right here. Bloody hell, he wasn’t even in the band and he was shitting himself. He has to be enough, just this once, for them… and for him.
Regulus has never been on a stage before, he has never known what it feels like and frankly, he never even thought about it. Now, being on one, it’s terrifying, all the attention is on them and that makes him feel uneasy. He just stands there, the strap of his bass hanging on his shoulder and his hands holding it like his life depends on it. He is standing next to Barty, on his left, while Evan’s on the back in the drums. The venue as he guessed wasn’t too big, but it was still intimidating to be there. There were a few people sitting right in front of them, they looked important so maybe they were the one they were supposed to sing to; there were people as well, just to watch them, to enjoy the show.
“Hi,” Barty smiles while he talks to the microphone that is in front of him, they all have microphones. “I am Barty, this is Evan,” he points with his head to Evan who salutes the crowd. “And this is Regulus,” he points to Regulus the same way he did to Evan, but he doesn’t acknowledge the crowd, he hardly acknowledges Barty. “And we are The Sekans.”
The Sekans, that was the name Barty chose years ago to call their friend group; when Severus was in the band Barty asked Regulus if it was okay if they called their band like that, even though Severus was not a part of their group. Honestly, Regulus didn’t care a lot about the name, but now, hearing Barty say they are The Sekans, it brought him some kind of relief. Like, this is his place with his friends, no one else can have his place, no one can replace him.
They are given the opportunity to play a set of three songs, Regulus has no clue if that is a lot or too little, but Evan says that they should be grateful for the chance to play three original songs. Barty turns to look at Evan who nods, then Regulus who nods as well. They all count to three and start playing in the first song, Barty’s voice filling the venue.
“ Well, the mourning was complete, ” Barty sings and the audience present really starts paying attention now. “ When there was tears on the steering wheel dripping on the seat, ” Barty’s voice is kind of unique in Regulus' opinion, it makes heads turn but when you see who is singing it takes you by surprise.
Regulus’ mind right now is in playing the song, his whole concentration in his fingers, just feeling the song.
“ It’s the beginning of the end ,” it’s Evan’s turn to sing now, their voices are similar but you can distinct each one. “ To start to break in half, to start to fall apart, hold on to your heart, ” sings Evan and Regulus knows he is going to sing with them next. He better not fuck this up.
“ And do me a favour and break my nose ,” the three of them sing, Regulus making his effort to sing it well, trusting when his friends told him he sings well (even when he doesn’t truly believe them). “ Or do me a favour and tell me to go away. Or do me a favour and stop asking questions. ”
There is an instrumental bridge, he plays each chord perfectly, not missing a beat. It’s going great, but it’s time for Regulus to sing. He begged his friends to not give him any kind of singing solo, but they ignored him, saying that it was meant to be sung by him, Regulus knows they exaggerated with that. Just this once he lets himself believe it.
“ She walked away while her shoes were untied, ” he sings. He sings . He is singing. Regulus tries not to freak out about that fact and keeps singing his part. He closes his eyes, just to keep his nerves to the minimum and praying that he doesn’t forget his lines. “ And I watched and I waited till she was inside. Forcing a smile and waving goodbye, ” he doesn’t feel attached to the lyrics that he sings, mostly because he didn’t write them or was there when they were written, but that last line feels personal to him, makes him remember a certain someone with glasses. “ Curiosity becomes a heavy load, ” he opens his eyes and turns to see his friends who are smiling at him and singing along the rest of the song. He may know a little about someone being proud of him, but the light in their eyes tells him that they are.
When they finish the first song, they don’t waste time and start playing the next one, just as they practised. At some point, Regulus forgot this was a competition, that he had never done this before. He was there, doing the last thing he would do on a Saturday evening. He never would’ve thought he would enjoy playing with his friends.
Soon enough they ended their short (as Regulus came to realise) set. The people in charge of watching and judging thanked them for their participation and reminded them that the decision was going to be made in four weeks and were going to contact the winner around that time as they had been doing with the rest of the participants.
When they left the stage Barty hugged Evan, leaving Regulus out because he knows he doesn’t like to be touched. He just smiled at him and something that Regulus hardly ever does, did. He smiled at them. A genuine happy smile. He was so happy he couldn’t help it and Evan bursted laughing.
“Holy shit!” Evans almost yells. “You are smiling,” he pats Barty’s shoulder to get his attention even though he has it. “The little shit enjoyed it, Barty!”
Regulus tries not to keep smiling, but he did enjoy it, didn’t he? It was electrifying, he has never known that kind of adrenaline. Well, maybe once, when he let a stranger come into his apartment and kissed him the same night. It was so similar but at the same time so different. An adrenaline he liked. An adrenaline he didn’t know he craved.
“Piss off,” is all Regulus tells his friends and they laugh again. He just rolls his eyes.
They leave the venue and in less than an hour they are back at their place, Evan goes straight to the kitchen to drink water while Regulus sits on the couch and Barty lets himself fall on the couch, his head resting on Regulus’ thighs. They exist in silence, embracing what just happened, feeling like winners even though nothing has been decided yet. But deep down, the three of them feel like something was won.
“That was… incredible,” Evan says when he comes back from the kitchen, leaving glasses of water on the table for Regulus and Barty to drink, but neither of them move.
“It really was,” Barty smiles when Regulus unconsciously starts stroking his hair. “Never felt this way after a show,” he admits and Evan nods, agreeing with him. Regulus feels overwhelmingly important.
The feeling that is passing among them is strong, an unspoken agreement. They feel infinite. Physically, they all are exhausted, but mentally they are alive, more than ever. Even Regulus. He wonders if this is why James loved playing with his friends, for this exact moment right here, for this feeling. The feeling of belonging in a place with the people he cares about and who care about him.
“And Reg,” Barty gets his attention and Regulus turns down to see his face and realises his fingers are playing with his hair, he doesn’t stop though. “You were amazing,” he praises him, Regulus shakes his head feeling his hair covering his eyes and stops stroking Barty’s hair to fix his own. Barty pouts for a second, as if it was a reflex.
“You really were,” Evan says and sits on the carpet. “I’m going to miss playing with you,” Evan grimaces. Regulus has enjoyed this past week, despite the stress and pressure he felt, he had an amazing time and he hasn’t had one in a while, perhaps he deserves to have more.
“Maybe,” Regulus starts saying, slowly. “You won’t have to miss me,” Evan understands what he’s saying but Barty takes a couple of seconds to know what Regulus is saying.
“Reg…”
“Don’t make it a big deal, okay?” he tells them, his friends nod fiercely.
That’s it, he’s in the band now. In a band with his best friends, doing something he thinks he might get to love. Something that might make him happy, such a foreign feeling and concept to him. They stay like that for a while, Barty refusing to move his head from his thighs and Regulus distracting himself with Barty’s hair. At some point Evan turned on the console and started playing some video games, leaning his back on the couch but still sitting on the floor. Regulus hardly ever plays with them, he just likes to watch and is what he does with Evan, unable to move because he knows Barty fell asleep.
“Tu l’as rendu vraiment heureux, Reg,” Evan says, still looking at the screen. He is talking about Barty.
“C’est le moins que je puisse faire pour ce que vous avez fait pour moi,” he whispers, feeling vulnerable for a moment. Sometimes he feels like he owes his friends, like he is not doing enough in their friendship.
It’s been three weeks since the competition and Regulus is in the kitchen making himself some breakfast. Evan, who's just woken up, enters the kitchen without a shirt on and goes straight to the fridge to grab some juice. By now, he is used to Evan and Barty being around their place without shirts, after years of friendship is something he had to get used to. Still, his friends are fit and sometimes it can be distracting. Like right now, Regulus burned his finger with the hot pan because Evan’s back is there . However, he doesn’t make any noise and just licks his finger and continues as if nothing happened, Evan doesn’t notice anything.
“What?!” They hear Barty scream from his room, Evan and Regulus share a look and soon Barty is running towards the kitchen with his phone in his hand, his hair is a mess and as Evan, he is shirtless. Regulus can tell the phone call woke him up. He makes a sign with his finger to shut up and listen, so they do. “I’m sorry, could you repeat what you just said, please?” He asks whoever is on the phone.
“Yes, of course,” the voice of a woman says, she sounds kind. “I said that your band has been chosen by Phoenix Records as the winner of our contest,” Regulus almost drops the pan that was on his hand. Evan squeals. Barty is grinning like he’s never had. “We still need to see you at our office to arrange all details and introduce you to our team, as well as some paperwork that needs to be done,” she explains.
“Yes, yes, can you tell me where the office is and the date we have to be there?” Barty asks and Evan is running to his room to come back with his phone and start typing whatever the lady is about to tell them.
“February twenty-seventh, is this upcoming Thursday, at three o’clock in the afternoon. I can send the location of the Record’s office to this number.”
“Yes, that’s fine, thank you.”
“Oh, one last thing, I need the whole band to come, I understand you are three, right?” she doesn’t wait for Barty to answer. “See you on Thursday,” she says.
“Yes, thank you,” Barty thanks again and the lady hangs up. They all stared at the phone with the black screen.
“We- we won?” Evan asks without believing what just happened, Regulus can’t blame him, he feels the same way.
“We fucking won. Holy shit. We won,” Barty mumbles.
Thursday arrived in a blink of an eye, the days went by rather fast, the three of them were eager for this day to arrive, not knowing what to expect but knowing that the worst was already over, they won and that’s what matters.
Phoenix Records is a huge building, thankfully the receptionist is at the entrance. Barty goes straight to ask which way to go. Regulus and Evan remain behind trying to see every little detail of the place, the lobby is free of having other floors on top, making the space feel bigger than it already is. There are people coming and going, some with expensive suits and others just with casual clothes. He notices Barty following someone and he starts walking with him, grabbing Evan by the arm to get him walking as well. They go to an elevator and make their way to the fifth floor, when they get out the lady stops in front of a closed door.
‘ P. Lovegood ’ can be read at the door.
The lady knocks.
“Come in!” is the same voice that called them a few days ago. The lady opens the door and gestures to the men to enter and they do. Regulus is surprised to see the woman is young, younger than he would’ve thought, she has long blonde hair, almost white, she looks petite but her eyes are strong as well as her posture. “Hi, welcome, please take a seat,” she points to the chairs in front of her desk. Barty is the first to sit, then Evan and Regulus. “My name is Pandora Lovegood, it’s a pleasure to meet you, guys.”
“Hi, the pleasure is ours,” Barty says. “I’m Barty,” he introduces himself.
“I’m Evan.”
Pandora gives him a kind smile and turns to look at Regulus.
“Regulus.”
“Regulus? I was told one is named Severus,” she frowns and starts looking through the papers that are in her desk, when she doesn’t find what she was looking for, she turns to see the screen of her computer. “Yes, Severus Snape is what is registered here,” she says, still looking at the screen.
“The change must haven't been updated, Regulus is our third member,” Barty explains. “I made sure to change it before the competition. Is it a problem that he is not?” he asks, visibly concerned.
“Not at all, that must be it, I’ll change it myself,” she says and turns to look at Regulus, her eyes are deep blue, but like a crystal blue. She is beautiful. “What’s your full name?” she asks him, ready to start typing.
“Regulus Arcturus Black.”
“Black?” she asks, making a double take.
“Yes. Black.”
“Huh, funny,” she says to herself, Regulus can’t find anything funny with his last name. Once she changed the name in the system she rests her elbows on her desk and looks at them. “The reason you are here, as you know, is because you were the chosen winners of the contest. The price, if you don’t know yet, is to be able to tour with a famous band around Europe and the United Kingdom; we presented this contest because we are looking for emerging bands who we can give the opportunity to grow as artists, as well as to let people listen to different music from the one the main band is playing,” she explains and her tone is more executive, more formal and cold than it previously was. “You should also know that you ain’t going to be the only one that opens for this band, there is another trio called WOM3N. You are going to meet them soon. Which leads me to my next point,” she is not talking fast but Regulus feels like everything is going fast. “The start of the tour is on March eleventh,” she says.
“In two weeks?” Evan asks.
“Yes, two weeks, is it a problem?” she asks kindly but her eyes are daring them.
“Not at all,” Barty says.
“Brilliant,” she smiles and continues talking. “I’ll send you the dates and places of the tour. All expenses are going to be covered by the label, involving transport, hotels, food, everything you may need along the tour. You most likely will travel with the other bands,” she keeps talking and it’s making Regulus feel anxious. “At the end of this leg of the tour you can decide if you stay with Phoenix Records or if you go your own way,” that is something new, record something with a label? Regulus never thought of that when he joined the band. He turns to see Evan and Barty’s face and they also didn’t expect it.
Pandora keeps talking and telling them the little details they have to know, she assured them that she was going to send them everything to their email. She asked them to sign a few papers which Regulus read every single little thing that was there, not wanting to be played. Once he finished he realised there was nothing to worry about, they could sing their own songs and Phoenix wouldn’t be involved in their music. It takes around an hour to finish all the paperwork and she kindly offers them a tour around the building which they obviously agree with. When they get to the recording floor, a ginger girl is leaving the booth Pandora was showing them.
“Pandora! Hi!” she greets her with excitement, clearly they know each other.
“Hi, Lily, how are you?”
“Oh, I’m fantastic, getting ready for the tour,” the ginger says. Is she touring as well?
“Speaking of the tour, let me introduce you to the winning band that is going to tour alongside you,” Pandora says and Lily turns to see the three men standing next to her. “These are The Sekans,” Barty smiles and Evans nods to her, Regulus just looks at her.
“Oh man,” she sounds defeated. “Pete is going to be so thrilled he won,” she looks at them. “We bet who the winners were going to be, he said it was going to be men and I said women,” she explains and the more she talks the more her accent can be heard, Regulus believes it’s an irish accent. “Either way, so happy to meet you, we are going to have a great time. I have to go now, but I surely will see you in two weeks,” she leaves and they continue walking with Pandora.
This is just the start of a new era for the three of them, they are as excited as they are frightened. Two weeks to go.