Excel Explusion
Remus gingerly uncovered himself from the sheets glued to his body from his restless and rather sweaty rest. That was the new normal, he fell asleep and woke up from a nightmare. There was rarely a time when he slept restfully anymore. It didn’t matter what it was about that night, or some dream he woke up and found Sirius dead. Everything in his orbit seemed to revolve around dysfunction and panic.
Their dorm was eerily quiet, which again was a new normal. He could hear Pete and James snoring as they forgot to put up a silencing charm before they fell asleep. But he heard a small clicking in the background. He resisted the urge to get up and see it, at this time of night only one person was up.
Sirius.
He fought against two emotions fear and anger, never knowing which one was stronger, which one trumped the other. So he sat in limbo. A tug on either side of him, forgive him, stay angry, do nothing.
His body was tight and sore and he could feel the moon tugging at his body as it prepared for the full moon. He despised them before but they were hell now. He remained locked up, chained, and tied as he transformed and his body tore itself apart. McGonagall hinted that he could remain in the shack but the small trust he had was gone.
He locked Peter and James out, but he always smelled Padfoot when he woke up. He hadn’t figured out if that was his imagination or the reality. It couldn’t be.
The wolf seemed to hate him more now, giving him a taste of blood that would never be satiated. Remus would turn himself into the Ministry and put himself on the werewolf registry before that happened. The monster inside of him wouldn’t make him a true monster, with lives in his hand.
The moon was in a week and he could feel the process begin, his joints hurt and his skin was tight like his body was testing itself to tear apart. He often wondered how he didn’t kill himself month after month. How it was possible to shred his skin and still manage to wake up? He relied on vials of potions and it still didn’t make it tolerable. It was barely enough to make him keep doing it month after month.
A small gasp broke the silence and he shot up in his bed, he couldn’t stop himself from getting out of bed and ripping the curtains on one specific bed. the floor was ice cold and speckled with confetti from a prank they did in the third year that never came up. His body moved to Sirius’s so naturally it was barely a thought. The smell of sweat and parchment and smoke filled his nose. But nothing could cover up the smell of fire whiskey he was beginning to hate. Reeking so badly he curled his lip up.
Sirius lay in the bed writhing back and forth a wince on his face as he whimpered. Not a cry but a small whimper much like the ones Padfoot made when he got hurt. Remus didn’t hesitate to grab his hand and squeeze, in an attempt to shake Sirius out of the nightmare. He never knew what he looked like but watching Sirius he knew the feeling. The anxiety-filled your chest in a terror that seemed to span on and on. And never left even once you’ve woken up.
“ Sirius wake up” he whispered gripping his hand harder, Sirius responded and squeezed back but was still so entranced in whatever was consuming his subconscious. Sirius’s arms flailed and he screamed.
Remus scrambled to put up a silencing charm and rip the curtains closed. The noise coming out of Sirius was inhuman, it was like an animal being tortured. And every noise and whisper grinder against his head like knives tearing away at his flesh. He discarded the soft touch and began to shake Sirius he didn’t know any other way to wake him up. He desperately shook his shoulders repeating Sirius’s name over and over like a prayer. He needed to wake up, this was bad. Remus had one final grip on Sirius’s shoulders and screamed.
A desperate attempt and a submission to the fear that was ridding his body. Please please please he begged as Sirius’s eyes fluttered.
“ Fucking hell” Sirius croaked as Remus rolled to the other corner of the bed with a large sigh his heart plundering in his chest. He never quite got over this, the extent of Sirius’s nightmares. The terror that showed behind his eyes, the grey eyes that almost seemed black.
Remus finally breathed as he propped himself up with his elbows. He took a moment to catch his breath and let the wavering high settle into his bones. Sirius pressed his back against his pillows as he took shuddering breaths in an attempt to call himself down. Remus didn’t move before he wouldn’t hesitate to pull Sirius in for a hug. They’d end up falling asleep and when he woke up sirs would seem good as new.
Now Remus didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how he got in here. Why he was still laying in Sirius’s bed which smelled like mahogany and smoke, along with the fire whiskey he kept on choosing to ignore. It was no longer a subtle sweet smell that he smelt lingering from the drink he’d have at parties. But it reeked from every part of his body like the smell that Moony always detected.
Remus hated that…but what could he do? In some ways, he was responsible for this spiral. But he was mad and he had every right. But he was to blame, they both were and they both reeked of guilt, he didn’t need to have super senses for that one.
Sirius looked up and sighed. “ I’m OK now..you don’t have to stay.” Nothing on his face convinced Remus that he was ok. As if Remus would ever believe him he knew Sirius—he knew that there wasn’t a part of Sirius that was ok. Sirius’s chest heaved under his words and the small tapping on his thighs was almost unnoticeable.
But Remus notices everything regarding Sirius Black.
He took his tea plain with an obscene amount of sugar yet always seemed to drink his plain tea until it was gone. He slept in just boxers unless he fell asleep drunk. He didn’t snore but his right eye would twitch. Sirius never traced over his scars like he did, he pinched them.
He knew Sirius Black, in every way, in the dark, even dead. In some ways, Sirius had been his salvation his savior from every dark thought that wandered in his head. Now Sirius was just as dark no humor to hide it. And for once, Remus truly felt lost.
“ You’re not ok, this isn’t you being ok,” he said his lips curling up as a sweeping gust of fire whiskey flew up his nose. So strong he barely felt anything other than the signature burn. “ You’re drunk and right now you half way to not breathing.”
Sirius let out something similar to a laugh but they were not to be confused. This was harsh and almost cruel nothing hummable in his voice. “ Fancy seeing me a drunk Moony, does this make you feel better? That I’m in pain too.” Sirius looked at him a tilt to his head a clear smirk he wanted to smack off his face.
“ I’m not fucking James, this stunt of accepting your an alcoholic doest scare me away. I’m not fucking afraid of breaking you” he snapped.
“Why.” He demands.
“ It’s done for me already, we’ve broken each other,” he says before he can think. His words sober the air around them, and things are serious once again.
“ You know this is the most you’ve spoken to me in weeks,” Sirius says as Remus thinks that he should leave. That he should walk out and go back to his bed, fall asleep, and pretend this never happened. But it did and it changed things.
It changes everything.
“ You need to sober up,” he said. “ You need to pull it the fuck together Sirius and stop this. You’re going to kill yourself.” He rips himself away slipping off the bed his feet hitting the floor before Sirius grabs his hand.
Cool, thin, nearly bony hands that feel hot with warmth.
“ I’d rather kill myself than live like this, isn’t that what you doing too? Buying off time.” His eyes sting and he drinks the sight of Sirius, despite being drunk and greasy there’s no denying his gorgeous. Very few things if anything could make Sirius ugly.
His cheeks are sharp and his eyes bear into him but his gaze darts between the red sore on the side of his lip and the way his lip is caught in his teeth.
“ You’re a fucking fool if you think your dying would be anything other than disastrous. You die and what do you think happens we all move on--no shut up” he snaps when Sirius opens his mouth to dispute the words coming out of his mouth. He doesn’t know what’s worse: that he doesn’t have to guess what would happen if Sirius died or that it’s so close to reality.
James would blame himself, James would fall into depression, and likely never get out. Peter would become the one holding them together and they’d all fall apart. If the wolf didn’t kill him Remus is sure he would.
A small whimper falls out of Sirius’s mouth. “ What else is there to do? You can try to be the savior Re but I know how much you hate me I can feel it. If you think I don’t hate myself just as much if not more you are a fool. And you’ve never made yourself out to be one so don’t start now.”
His body goes cold and his body moves before his mind can even catch up, he’s walking to his bed and curling up. He loves Sirius and hates him and he can’t just shake one. They both exist and contradict at every move.
Remus wants salvation but all he has is hell.
~.~
“ First years need to head to bed” James yelled to the first years who crowded around the common room they’re small giggles erupting from under the conversation. They all looked up in awe at James like he was a god. But unlike a god, he didn’t strike fear enough to head them up to bed.
“ if someone casts a silencing spell on me can I ever speak again?” A small brunette little boy said which erupted the rest of them in laughter.
Lily got up from the couch with a lazy smile as she got up to officially send them up to bed out of the two prefects Lily was the one they listened to, or at least got them from point A to B. “ First years up to bed IMMEDIATELY,” Lily said strictly as heads popped up and quickly started trickling upstairs.
He smirked and Peter chuckled from his seat next to him, his head halfway into a memoir.
James flew into the couch and he threw an arm around Remus’s shoulder. With a lazy grin, he stared at Lily with a look of adoration that hadn’t changed from the first time James laid eyes on her. “ She likes that they listen to her…bribed them to only listen to her. They’ve drained me over two dozen sugar quills” he said as if this was the best thing ever.
He couldn’t help but smile, it was just like James to bribe the kids to not listen for the sake of Lily. And it was a mistake to forget how likable James was, the kids loved him.
Once the last first year was up the dorm stairs Lily sat down next to James who looked quite panicked when Lily rested her head on his shoulder.
“ Has anyone talked to Sirius?” Lily asked twisting a piece of hair before her forefinger and her thumb.
Remus all but stops breathing, and hates to think of Sirius. Hates that all he can think of is last night, talking to him for the first time in months. Remus thinks it’s becoming inevitable- forgiving Sirius, but it’s not that he wants to.
There’s very little choice—always too quick to forgive someone. Remus has never been good with standing up for himself, and against Sirius, it was a losing fight. He forgave his dad for thinking he was a monster, and for creating one. He’s alone the thought of a life of that terrifies him.
James shook his head. His eyes were dangerously glassy brimming with tears that were desperately held in. There’s no James without Sirius and Sirius has always been with James. “ I saw him coming out of McGonagall’s office I tried talking to him but he told me to shove off.”
Remus knows that there’s more. James is not saying something. James is nothing if not loose-lipped. James was upset on his behalf and his own but he never stopped caring. James can’t stop loving someone, his love spans an eternity.
Lily rolled her eyes. “ We saw him on rounds and he looked like rubbish. McGonagall said they’re voting on the board for his expulsion. But since Severus isn’t actively pressing charges and neither is Remus I doubt that they’d send him home with McGonagall on his side.”
The words were like a bitter slap in the face, he had never given the expulsion consideration. Sirius was Sirius, Hogwarts was nothing like him. He was a Black and esteemed member of the Sacred 28 and whether they liked it or not he made Hogwarts look prestigious. The black family name held weight.
James looked shaken as he picked at his nails and avoided eye contact, he flinched away from Lily and suddenly Remus hated what he saw. All of them together without him, James not running to him, Sirius alone.
He elbowed Peter who had nodded out his blue eyes snapping open with irritation that fled as quickly as it appeared. “ Re?”
“ Map,” he said as Peter pulled it out of his pocket and handed it to him.
Remus opened it up and searched for Sirius’s name on the map, he found it quickly placing him up in the corridors. His stomach sunk, if he had ever felt alone he imagined it was similar to what Sirius felt.
“ He can’t get expelled Re” James whispered.
The look in his eyes sent his stomach dropping. It was horror and fear written all over his face. His eyes were bloodshot and his normal broad shoulders seemed small and shrunken. “ He goes back he dies,” he said his head leaning into Lily as she stroked his hair. His chest rapidly rose and fell as he frantically unloosed his tie still in his perfect uniform. “ He doesn’t care if he lives or dies anymore, he’s going to die he’s going to die” James panted.
“ I never wanted this” he whispered as Peter grabbed the map from him, perhaps to look for himself. Lily began speaking but Remus couldn’t hear he couldn’t pay attention.
He didn’t want this.
He didn’t want to break them, he was upset, and he had every right to be upset. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want Sirius to die.
“ Remus” he heard Lily yell.
“ Re are you ok” Peter asked a hand on his shoulder.
“ Go find Sirius” he croaked.
“ I’ll go get him, Pete go ask Madam Pomphrey for a vial of dreamless sleep, please. James stay with Remus I’ll be back.” Lily listed off before she headed out of the common room.
Remus drifted on the couch and didn’t say a word anything and everything was stuck.
“ It’s not even the drinking, it’s the look on his face he’s given up. He hates himself and I hate that this has even happened” James hoarsely whispered.
“ I should have never let you stop speaking to him” he admitted.
James shook his head, “ I was furious at him, he let his anger make him impulsive and he nearly got Snape killed. He put you through that I was just as mad as him. But he’s—” James sighed.
“ He’s Sirius,” they said together.
“ It was stupid to think that I could do this, be mad at him, and have everything the same. It was stupid—I was stupid” he rubbed his face his eyes burning from exhaustion. His body was tired and for a moment he had forgotten what was tomorrow night.
“ You have every right to be mad, and he’s sorry and that’s not enough I know. But he can’t go back there Re, he can’t go back there. Summer is enough to nearly kill him but without this—” James gestured to the common room, them, Hogwarts.
Everything.
“ I know James.”
I’d kill him, they’d kill him. It was information they had known all this time whether they wanted to openly admit it or not. Walburga and Orion Black were monsters and they sucked the life from anything they touched.
They fell silent, Remus tried to imagine anything without Sirius. And he couldn’t, every good moment was tied up with the thought of Sirius Black. The mischievous smart arsed eleven-year-old he met on the train. The boy who became an animagous, who spent every full moon. Who Remus had fallen in love with. Sirius black was irrevocably straight.
Sirius Black led Severus Snape into the Shrieking Shack to witness the monster he was, and who he nearly killed.
The common room opened up with thundering footsteps and yelling, Remus’s heart dropped and he whipped his head around.
“ We found him passed out on the floor of the corridors” Lily scowled. “ He reeks” Her lips curled up and she helped Peter lay him down on the couches across from them.
Sirius lay there soaking wet and reeking of astringent metal and fire whiskey, but Remus noticed his red nose and his bloodshot eyes.
Sirius was high drunk and almost unconscious and if he looked close enough he could see death looming.