mortality vs morality
Sirius wakes up to pounding voices piercing pain through his head as he seeks any darkness, throwing a pillow over his eyes. Eliciting a groan of pain as he moved his head which felt like hitting either side of his head with stones.
“ He’s a fucking addict” someone hissed.
“ He was drunk that’s all, I mean I know it doesn’t look good but can we give him a break.” A softer voice asked.
“ He’s a fucking idiot” someone else seethed.
“ And you all have woken up the lucky boy,” a soft but judgmental voice said as he registered Madam Pomphrey’s voice trying to rectify the arguments. “ Sirius sit up please dear you’ve drunk yourself into this state you can pull yourself up.”
Sirius cursed under his breath and threw the pillow to the end of the bed as he sat up and winced. He barely could open his eyes without a stabbing pain and the worst burning sensation in his eyes. He groaned as he saw James, Pete, and Lily crowding around the bed.
“ You’re a lucky bastard,” Lily said dryly as she threw his wand at him and took a seat at the end of the bed. Her hands tapped the bed rhythmically.
Peter gave him a smile and a shrug but Sirius wasn’t focused on him, as James glared at him. Glared?
When did James ever glare at people?
“ You’ve got alcohol poisoning and you’re about to be sick to your stomach. Take all three potions and let’s pray your liver can recover” she tsked patting his shoulder as she took the excess vials from the side table away.
He looked at the precarious liquids in front of him and held them up to the light as the color shifted from green to brown.
James met his eyes and that glare was back. “ Doesn’t matter what they look like you need to drink them Sirius” James scolded like he was a petulant child—which he was not. But from the look on James’s face, he would beg to differ.
“ I know James” he snapped. He downed one after the other trying to ignore the bitter taste that sent a surge of nausea straight through him. Sirius knew he didn’t have the luxury of being able to complain about the taste. He didn’t remember much, one drink led to eight and then he was on the floor. He didn’t want to say it but he had woken up in worse spots. But the patience James had today was limited.
“ Get some rest, Sirius, you need it,” Lily said waving off as Peter went off with her without as little as a goodbye. Seemed he was mad as well.
James sat down on the bed that creaked under his weight and Sirius sank his head into the pillows behind him. “ You look like shit Pads” his voice softened and some of his pain was smoothed over by the fond nickname.
He threw a weak smile. “ I’m always pretty James—this” he waved to his pale skin that was glazed with sweat from withdrawals and the bruise on his cheek from falling. “ This is temporary my beauty is forever.”
James snorted and smiled for a second before smashing it down and rolling his eyes. “ You’re very beautiful for a sick alcoholic Sirius,” he said lighter than before but still angry.
“ I can’t be perfect” he shrugged helplessly.
“ But you can stop drinking” James interrupted him on purpose with a look that was identical to Effies when James had gotten so drunk off Monty’s fire whiskey that he ended up in the lake.
Sirius’s smile faltered and he was forced back into his shitty reality where his best friend hated him and was angry with him. Where in sickness Remus was no longer by his side.
“ I’m knocking on death’s door anyways Prongs,” he said simply as James’s eyes bulged in horror. He flinches and a gut-wrenching feeling fills his chest. Sirius doesn’t want to die although it’s felt like he’s been knocking on its door all his life. He is scared of dying for so many reasons leaving James and Regulus are two. He doesn’t want to die but he doesn’t want to lie either.
James’s jaw quivers as he speaks. “Don’t you ever say that again” he says slowly. “That’s not funny it’s not a joke so don’t fucking say shit like that,” he says panicked as Sirius nods. In a manner that is so unlike James.
He’s not sure what he’s agreeing to.
He chooses the truth over lies this time, Sirius doesn’t have any energy to lie. James would never be convinced either. the silence is heavy and almost awkward. He honestly doesn’t know what to say or why James stays.
“ I think I blacked out” he shrugs. “ I can’t remember anything after I smoked my last joint and drank the rest of the bottle. I should’ve just gone back to our dorms.”
James doesn’t say anything but stares at the bed.
“ You can go back James it’s fine, I’m fine. Nothing I haven’t done before, at least this time I don’t have any broken ribs—they’re a pain in the ass you—” he said talking more to fill the silence than anything. But he doesn’t get to continue.
“ STOP” James screams interrupting his tangent of thoughts. James screams it and the infirmary seems to echo around them.
He flinches back in shock rather than fear. “ James—”
James shakes his head angry tears in his eyes as he points a finger at Sirius. “ NO! You don’t get to do that you don’t get to joke about dying or them beating you. You aren’t dying you can’t. I can’t do this without you, you promised me we’d graduate and you’d get out and we’d get a flat. You promised me you’d be here. So you aren’t dying” James yells wiping tears on his cheeks and sniffling.
Sirius knows they’re had been few times where he had felt so guilty, but with James he’s never felt guilt like this.
“ I don’t want to die James” he admitted.
James waited for him but of course, James knew that wasn’t it.
He looks away exhaling a shaky breath because he’s not going to cry if Sirius cries he’s done, and he can’t be done. “ Re hates me and it’s my fault and it hurts. I am losing every single person close to me, I’ve lost my brother I can’t lose more people and just go on. I don’t have—I have nothing” his voice cracks and he stops.
“ You have your mum and dad, and Re has his mam, Peter has his sister, and I have you guys. I wake up and I smell blood. I look at Re and see what I did. I want to be dead for what I did but I do not want to die James.”
James doesn’t look at him. “ You want to die that’s fine but I’m not letting you. You want to risk expulsion fine but I will make sure you stay.” James got up walking away but stopped before he opened the curtains.
“ If I can’t get through to you I’ll find someone who can.”
~.~
Sirius spends the next day in the infirmary cots doing nothing. He stares at the ceiling and begs Madam Pomphrey to let him go. But she declines his requests because that’s what they are and she tells him to lie down and rest. Sirius thinks if he gets any more rest he’s going to Jill someone.
He thinks about what James meant and the fact Remus still hadn’t visited him but that shouldn’t shock him there is no reason he should. Lily visits though and brings him all the homework he missed.
The time went by slowly but now it felt like he was caged in. He was so bored he was counting the stones on the wall. Sirius is going mad and the shakes from the lack of fire whiskey in his system aren’t making it better.
He almost cries in relief when the curtain opens and he suspects another vial of potions is in his near future.
“ If it’s the green shit Poppy I’m going to throw up” he sighed.
“ If you throw up on me I’ll slit your throat” a smart-ass voice sneered.
He looked up looking at the very opposite of Madam Pomphrey. He furrowed his brows and Regulus rolled his eyes. “ Gryffindor Prince found in the corridors word spreads fast although not as fast as Potter came” he smirked almost amused.
“ What are you talking about” he asked.
“ Your savior James Potter came to the dungeons asking for me, told me you’re going to kill yourself, that you need help. Just about begged me for help” Regulus shrugged.
Fucking James. That’s what he meant.
“ James doesn’t know what he’s talking about” he pathetically lies, Sirius knows just as everyone else that if anyone knew him it was James.
Regulus looked at him like he was nothing, their parents would be so proud. His eyes scaled over his bruise and then quickly looked elsewhere. “ As much as he was a surprise the information wasn’t. Don’t play dumb with me Sirius.”
“ When would I ever.”
Regulus went from calm to angry in a second balling up his fists like he would do when he was younger. Regulus misread something, as much as Regulus knew about him. He knew more about Reg. Knew his telltale signs of being mad, sad, scared. He’d given Regulus every tip on how to hide it but still, Regulus wasn’t perfect. Not in every way.
The look in Regulus’s eyes is angrier than Sirius has ever seen it, it’s something that must be stronger than hate. Detest. Sirius is used to it though, Regulus has hated him for years. It hurts. But it’s necessary so it can’t break him. It’s the only thing keeping Regulus safe. But yes it still hurts.
Regulus clenches his jaw. “You’re giving up” lip curling up with disgust, his ever younger brother a ravenous beast ready to eat him alive. Sirius can’t even begin to imagine what this stems from what anger this is and why. His brother hates him and he pretends to hate him back.
Pretends.
“ Does it count as giving up if everything fell apart?”
Regulus doesn’t find him funny, he walks closer to the bed and Sirius’s hand itches to grab his wand. Regulus and him are brothers, they’ve also shared more fights in the last four years than anyone else. His body has instincts too.
“ You don’t get to fucking die. If you die it’s either by my hand or old fucking age you don’t get to cope out and quit” Regulus seethes as he grabs a fist full of Sirius’s medical gown.
Sirius has always known how similar he and Regulus look, with the same pale skin and ebony black hair. Regulus was taller, his face was prettier, almost gentle almost if Regulus wasn’t one of the angriest people he knew. But looking at his younger brother threatening to kill him he realizes how different their eyes are. Reg’s are bluer, less grey than his almost swimming in color. He looks like his little brother, and fuck Sirius misses him.
“ Are you fucking done throwing your tantrum. No one is killing themselves, getting expelled sure but I’m not a fucking idiot Regulus. I’m not killing myself—doubt I could ever do it. I—I—blood freaks me out” he choked on the thought of blood spilling from his body—draining dry.
He could vomit.
Regulus lets go and shoves his chest as he steps back with an exasperated sigh. “ You’re a fucking child” he scoffs and Sirius can only find it ironic.
Regulus has acted like a small child for half of his life, he has always been the younger brother in every sense of the word. Regulus is selfish and often blind to the thought behind actions. He sees things surface level, he’s quick to go cold. He’s quick to stop caring.
“ You don’t get to fucking do this, in the infirmary because you’re drinking yourself to death—spoiler alert that is going to kill you. Your friends don’t get to drag me from the dungeon to try to convince you to fucking live. I don’t mean anything, I don’t hold weight. If you wanted to live you’d live for them—you stopped living for me a long fucking time. Keep your fucking friends out of my way, next time they come they won’t come back unharmed” Regulus spit seething with anger with every clipped word.
You stopped living for me a long time ago.
You stopped living for me a long time ago.
You.
Stopped.
Living.
For.
Me.
He sits up Sirius has never heard something so wrong before, something so untrue. He—he only lived for Regulus. If there was one thing that kept him through the beatings…
He only lived for Regulus.
“ You’re a spoiled little cunt” he spit out.
Regulus whips his head around baring his teeth seconds away from lunging at him. Poppy would entirely disapprove he thinks bitterly. “ I hate you do you know that? I fucking hate you. I hate you.”
Sirius scoffs. “ Yeah, Reg you’ve told me.” He wants to shut down, he wants Regulus to leave him alone and he wants to be able to shut down. But then he’s angry. He doesn’t get to do this, how many beatings did I take for him he wants to scream. But he doesn’t.
“ I’ve done everything for you—I’ve never fucking stopped. You hate me Reg? Well I hate you back, I wish I never took the blame. I wish I thought of myself instead of you I wish I protected myself instead of you. So you hate me but I hate you more. I hate that you became them I hate you so fucking much” he says through a hoarse voice.
He means it but he doesn’t, he’s a liar he’s always a liar.
Regulus flinches, he flinches from his words. His eyes turn cold—colder. “ I hope you die. This summer I want you gone from the house from our family FROM ME” Regulus says calmly and steps away.
Sirius wants to say something—anything but he can’t. He needs—he can’t do this. He can’t see his brother anymore. He gives him a tight nod before he goes before he disappears behind the curtains.
Sirius breaks down and he goes dark.
Maybe he was lying then too, because he thinks he does want to die.
He’s tired.
He’s really tired.
~.~
His brother is dying.
His brother is dying and he can tell he doesn’t even want to fight.
His older brother is dying.
As soon as he saw Sirius he felt himself crumble and resisted the urges to crumble at his feet. To finally feel everything behind the crystal wall.
“ Oi earth to Reg” Evan’s voice yelled gently tapping his knee with his foot to get his attention, Evan’s eyes bouncing around the room.
“ Can I help you?”
Evan rolls his eyes. “That’s a loaded question, isn’t it? But sure since you offered I could use some help. You see my friend is currently in a piss poor mood and it’s bringing down the mood.”
“ I hate you” he snaps.
“ Yes my friend is an unfriendly bastard how did you know? I guess I could try to hug him but he’d pull out his switchblade and threaten to slice my throat so I don’t think I’ll do that” Evan said his eyes shooting up like someone offered him the best idea. “ YES, that’s amazing advice I am going to do that thank you” Evan grins.
He’s going to kill Evan.
“ Regulus” Evan sings.
“ Stop talking to me, I hate you” he drawled.
Evan shot up from his seat launching his body across the couch his arms wrapping around his entire body as Regulus fought to get away. But Evan was faster wrapping his arms and legs around his torso, slamming him against the arm of the chair.
He reached for his pocket but Evan tightened his grip.
“ Get the fuck off of me before I fucking slit your throat you red-headed bastard,” he said through clenched teeth, really trying to compose himself before his magic did something at his beckoning.
“You are my friend Reg I’m trying to help you, and you need me to tell you I love you” Evan teased. He can feel Evans shit eating grin and he can’t stand it.
“ No because we don’t love each other Rosier so now get off of me before I jinx you” he feels Evan pause for a moment almost considering it because Evan is very familiar with the feeling of his jinx ( they fucking hurt).
“ Sorry can’t do that Reggie, I’m trying to help you out. Tell me you love me and we can all be done. I need to know your mood has been brightened.”
“ I loathe you” Regulus shouts as he elbows Evan in the ribs his arms automatically letting him go to comfort the pain that is shooting through his body.
He stands up immediately and rubs his shirt removing the invisible trace Evan planted all over his body. Evan is holding his side his eyes clamped shut and hissing out in pain.
Drama queen.
“ Get up your embarrassing yourself,” he says.
Evan peaks open one eye, sees he’s caught, and laughs. A devilish boyish grin that Regulus can’t look at while trying to stay composed. So he looks away and feels Evan grin even harder.
“ Lying to yourself is a sin Reggie boy you love me you can’t tolerate anyone, you set Margery Mugullen for touching your hand you could have done much worse to me” Evan shrugged not a shred of fear in his eyes.
“ She was flirting with me” he grumbled angrily. Margery was an invasive girl who hadn’t been taught proper manners, including trying to touch someone. Regulus wasn’t friendly so it was a blind feat that she kept on talking to him.
“ What a capital crime,” Evan said sarcastically sprawling out on the couch as Regulus took a seat.
“ You don’t like anyone touching you either” Regulus mumbled, if anything Evan was worse than him. Any touch that Evan didn’t expect made him frantic, which made him irritable.
Evan’s irritability wasn’t exactly safe.
“That’s different Reggie” Evan said as Regulus rolled his eyes he hated that nickname. “ I don’t like anyone’s touch not just poor Margery” Evan shrugged.
“ You were just fine with me touching you or should I remind you how your arms and legs were all over me” he rolled his eyes.
“ Your you,” Evan shrugged.
He nearly smiled—but he didn’t.
“ You two are the laziest bastards I’ve ever met in my life” Dorcas scoffed as she walked into the common room with a shake of her head.
“ Dorky we missed you, Dora told me to tell you that she’s helping some sod named Xeno in the gardens,” Evan said over his shoulder.
Dorcas shook her head, “ Yes I’ve already talked to Pandora, you are the two that I have to track down.”
Dorcas came up to him “ Heard your brother’s in the infirmary, how is he” she asked with a smirk.
“ Don’t talk about my brother.” He said in a clipped tone.
“ Mhmm” she mused. “ Rough subject Regulus.”
“ How’s Marlene” he asked, he had heard from the gossip in the library that a certain Slytherin was messing with Marlene McKinnon he was able to figure out that it was Dorcas. He hadn’t mentioned it until now, simply he didn’t care.
Dorcas’s face froze and her lips tightened in a straight line, her expression changed subtly but he saw it all over her face. Don’t talk about her.
“ Moving on,” Dorcas said seamlessly and Regulus nodded to her.
They agreed.
Sirius was the very last thing Regulus wanted to talk about, he had barely wanted to head up to the infirmary after James Potter stood there ready to drag him tooth and nail to help.
“ Dorky said James Potter is asking for you,” Evan said emerging from behind the couches. Regulus didn’t even look up because he knew Evan misspoke or he misheard.
James Potter wasn’t in the dungeons asking for him.
Hell would freeze over before that.
“ Reg I’m not joking, Dorcas said James Potter is asking for you,” Evan said his tone changing, “ He looks like he’s going to throw up so for the sake of it just go look” Evan sighed.
Regulus stood up marching to the entrance of their common room waiting for whatever lay ahead for him, he swore to Salazar if this was a prank or one of Evan and Barty’s jokes he was going to string them up by their necks and slit them with his switchblade.
“ A lion in the snake pit” He heard Dorcas drawl amusement laced in her voice, her mirthful smile could be tasted. And they called him the unfriendly one, Dorcas liked human life less than him. She was a loner, forever until the end.
“ Are you going to grab them, I’m not joking or fucking around I need to talk to Regulus so can you please just get him.”
“ Gryffindors” Dorcas clucked her tongue as he stood behind her Potters’s eyes opened Widder and Dorcas stepped back the portrait door wide open. “ All yours Black.”
She slipped away a small grin as she looked back.
He looked utterly unpleased as he looked at his brother’s best mate, even though he hated that title. James sighed with relief an unnerving sight. Nothing about him should give him comfort.
“ You should go back to your cushy common room” he sneered, “ I can’t help you Potter nor do I want you but I’d like you to leave so I can go on with my night.”
He froze and sighed. “ I need your help with Sirius okay and I know you—he’s your brother and he’s killing himself,” James said frantically his arms waving in the air and his eyes filled with unshed tears. He had witnessed James Potter in so many different ways.
James Potter his brother’s best friend.
James Potter star chaser.
James Potter the sun of Gryffindor.
But he had yet to see James Potter begging him for help, fear in his eyes, controlling his body in the Slytherin dungeons.
He sighed regretting every single thing he was about to do. “ Would you like to clarify or just continue to leave me in the dark? I can’t help with vague words” he said. “ If I even consider helping with anything” he added on.
James’s eyes lit up in hope and Regulus wanted to run in the other direction.
“ He’s drinking himself to death,” James said his lip quivering as the words left his mouth, his words were nothing more than a whisper and Regulus wanted to laugh.
Ironic that his brother was drinking himself to nothing, the same thing their mother did, the same thing their father did. A repetition of a cycle Sirius fought so hard to break. And just like that the one of them destined to be free was shackled down with the same weight their parents had.
He let the door close and followed the blind.
What did he get himself into?