Racing against the tide
Most of his life James spent running from the tide. It’s the law of nature. It will come inevitably. But maybe if he runs fast enough this time he will escape. It’s tricky with a tide. You don’t notice it until it’s reaching you. It creeps up on you while you are resting and enjoying a nice day. And suddenly it’s too late to escape.
James can feel the sadness washing over his body in waves. Slowly. Without notice. He is just more tired he says. He just has to sleep more. He is not hungry lately. But that’s alright, maybe tomorrow the lunch will be tastier. The time of the day stretches with boredom. James just has to find a new hobby.
He knows the tide is here when his smile starts to hurt instead. It takes an effort to lift the corners of his lips and not let the tears slip during the process. He does it anyway not to worry his friends. The more he smiles the more he is hurting inside. His laughter is too loud and too intentional. He has to start deciding when to laugh so it looks natural.
He knows the tide will catch up to him when everything stops making sense. The world, his life, any decision he ever made. He can’t find any meaning. Not with the loneliness that surrounds him. He doesn’t want to be around people because they instantly suck the little energy he has. And he needs the energy to hold on. To keep breathing. To collect it so he can take a shower or clean his teeth. It’s the moments when it would take a miracle for him to get out of bed. When he wants nothing more than to leave. Because this room is too suffocating. Just pack his stuff and start walking. They would be better without him anyway. He doesn’t. As he lays on the bed, he dreams about leaving, about happiness he used to have but feels fake now, about the air not being so heavy. He wonders when it got so heavy.
“Jamie?” Regulus asks as he sits on the side of the bed worry written all over his face. James told him about the tide. How it always catches him in the end. And he did try to run, for Regulus. But he didn’t run fast enough. He never does.
“Hi,” James whispers. His voice sounds wrong. He realised he barely said a few words in the last three days. Regulus is here and James is hurting, because he didn’t manage to give him the world he’d promised.
“I… James, what can I do?” Regulus asks reaching for James who doesn’t take the boy’s hand. Defended Regulus places his hand on the blanket covering James’ shoulder.
It takes a long time for James to answer. His brain is just not working properly. “I’m just tired, Reg.”
“Tired of what?”
“Running,” James admits, and he knows it doesn’t make sense to Regulus. He doesn’t try explaining. “Reg, you should go.”
“You want me gone?” Regulus asks without standing up.
“I just want you happy and not wasting your time here. So go and do something you truly want to do.” James says curling up more under the blanket. He expected Regulus to leave. Instead, the boy climbs to the bed right behind James, wrapping his arms around him.
“What are you doing?” James breathes out trying to ignore the pain in his chest.
“Doing what I truly want to do. And that’s being here with you. I will find a way to help you more, but until then I will just be here.” James doesn’t say anything. He lets Regulus hold him, swiping his fingers through James' tangled hair, whispering in his ear.
The thing is when the tide catches up on you, you have to hold your breath and try to swim to the surface. It’s hard work and his body is aching from exhaustion. He doesn’t even know if he is swimming in the right direction or how far the surface is. The question is: Does he have enough oxygen to make it? He is not sure. He tries anyway. For Regulus, Sirius, Peter and Remus. For his parents. Never for himself. But it’s okay, he is used to it. You’ll get used to it after a lifetime of running from the tide.