Fighting for control
It’s not that Regulus doesn’t like food. He can appreciate a tasty meal. In the other universe he likes to think would probably be a good cook. So, it’s not food that’s the issue. He is also not struggling with his weight. He is lucky enough to have good genes, so this was never an issue.
He is not sure when it started. Sure, his mother sometimes made them go to bed without dinner if they were misbehaving. He got used to it. She was always careful not to cross any dangerous line. So sooner or later he got his meal.
Then he came to Hogwarts where was no Walburga. He did great in class. Regulus thinks that classes could be more challenging, they could offer more advanced classes for students to take. So, he wouldn’t have to study alone when he wanted to learn more. He is the best seeker in school. It’s not like he is bragging. It’s a simple fact. The only game he did not catch a golden snitch was when he got injured during the game and that was hardly his fault. He is lucky enough to have good friends and a kind boyfriend. And no one knows what was happening behind the closed doors of the Gimmauld place.
For outside observers, it seems like Regulus has a great life. So what that he sometimes skips a lunch or dinner. He has things to do, books to read, and quidditch to play. Sooner he gets obligations done sooner he can spend time with James.
That’s how it all started. He found out how much more time he has with skipping meals. And the hunger never bothered him. He learned if you hold on for a while the hunger goes away. It’s fascinating how you can trick your body. How you can go against the basic urge and suppress it. Becoming the master of your body. When the world felt like too much, like something you can’t ever beat, Regulus could always control his body.
From what was the convenience of timesaving became a challenge. He felt satisfaction if he managed to skip breakfast and lunch on the same day and have only an apple for dinner. Sometimes he pushed too far. It was hard to know the line. He felt weak and lightheaded, and it took him hours to find out what was the reason. Sometimes his stomach didn’t cooperate and even though he wanted to eat he couldn’t stomach it.
No one noticed. Sure, his friends asked about it from time to time when he skipped a meal. But the lies came easily to Regulus. With his whole life living with Walburga, it was as easy as breathing. I already ate; I will eat later; I’m going to the kitchen do you want something? (When he never went there), faking eating or eating the smallest portions possible.
Easy. Until he started dating James. Unfortunately, this boy had to pay attention to him. No one ever did before. He started skipping meals altogether because James was watching how much he ate when he was there. Why couldn’t just leave this topic alone? It’s not like Regulus is doing anything dangerous. He learned how to balance on the line long time ago. It made him mad when James started bringing him food whenever Regulus didn’t come to the great hall.
“Can you just stop?” Regulus snapped at him one evening. Instead of having a nice time together, James was now holding a bowl of baked potatoes he sneaked out from dinner.
“What am I doing?” James answered obviously started by the harsh tone.
Regulus’ otherwise grey eyes turned into a dark shade. Does really James think he is this stupid? He doesn’t need anyone's help he is completely okay, thank you very much. “Oh, don’t play dumb with me. You know! Always asking about my food schedule, or if I ate. If I tell you I did, you won’t believe me. Watching how much I put on my plate like I’m not capable of feeding myself! How about you mind your own fucking business!” Regulus spits out every word. He even surprised himself how a simple question made him angry. He never got this angry at James.
The other boy watches him surprised by the outburst. If Regulus spots one glimpse of pity he will bite his head off. James seems to sense the mood, so he chooses his next words carefully. “I’m just worried, love.” He whispers.
Regulus throws his hands in the air. “There is no reason to be worried.”
James looks at him softly. When he speaks next, it’s firm but still full of kindness, which Regulus is sure he doesn’t deserve. “So, you are telling me, love, that if I start eating the same way you do, I would be completely okay?”
The silence is loud. There is a no on the tip of his tongue. If he says it, he will be admitting that he has a problem. If this is a problem, he will have to start doing something with it. He will have to start eating more. And only this thought fills him up with panic. If he says yes, James will start eating the same way Regulus does just to prove a point. And he doesn’t want James to starve. He doesn’t want James to starve himself just because of Regulus. The same way Regulus does. He does, doesn’t he? The realisation hits him hard.
“No,” Regulus admits. The moment James brings him into his arms he feels the tears run down his cheeks. He is mad at himself for not lying better. He is mad at James for caring about him. He is scared because James knows now. And he will want Regulus to do better. He will tell him to eat more. And Regulus will lose the only control he has. “I don’t know what to do.” He whispers into James’ chest.
Regulus half expected James to be mad at him. To not want to be with someone broken as Regulus. But the boy just holds him close, fingers brushing through Regulus’ hair whispering I love you.
“Okay,” James says when Regulus calms down. This is it. Regulus feels dizzy as he waits for James to speak up. To say what he wants Regulus to do. Will he make Regulus eat more? Sit with him at the great hall? Select portions of the food he will have to eat?
Regulus holds his breath. “Merlin, you look like I want to hurt you,” James whines reaching out to hold his hand.
“I’m sorry. It’s just… complicated.”
“I know, love. And we can talk about it if you want to. But for now how about this? The only thing I will ask you is not to lie to me. Can you do that for me? If I ask you if you ate today or how much you will tell me the truth. And in return, I promise I won’t push you into anything. I won’t be mad; I won’t need the reason why. I just want to know. And then I will ask you if you think it’s enough. And if you say it is, I will leave it.”
Regulus thinks about it. He would prefer it if no one knew. But this is an acceptable option. He probably won’t be able to get better by himself. He nods.
James kisses his forehead. “Okay. Let’s try it. How much did you eat today?”
Regulus looks down. Today was not a good day. Or it was in terms of avoiding food. “I had a carrot for lunch.”
James waits for Regulus to continue but Regulus doesn’t. Because that’s it. James is clearly trying to hide his dismay at how little he ate. Still, Regulus feels James’ arms tighten around him protectively.
“Do you think it’s enough?”
Regulus sinks into James' arms eyeing the bowl James brought for him. “I can eat a potato.”
They will take it step by step. Fighting inner demons. Together.