How To Have An Illicit Affair

Long ago, about a hundred years ago or so - according to James’ father, who is more than interested in the history of magic, there was a thing called the triwizard tournament. Basically, it was a race in which the three most infamous wizarding schools in the world would gather, once every five years, and would each pick a student to compete in the race. 

The race had three steps, all of which were meant to test the quality of the competitors, ranging from ages fourteen to eighteen. This was, apparently, a great tradition, lasting centuries in the ancient magic world and celebrated by all who had magic running through their veins. 

That is, until it stopped. 

According to James’ father, it did because a student competing from their school died. The reasons of which are unknown, forgotten from the haziness of the time that had passed since, and thus the tournament stopped. The one thing left from it, the only thing, was one infamous tradition that occurred during the race.

A dance.

Some traditions, as James came to find out as he grew older, were better to be kept dead than alive. Some we maintain, some we must kill to survive, and some we create. But some remain to commemorate those we have lost. 

James woke up to the tingle of curls on his cheek. They moved, swaying gently, up and down, up and down.

At first, his eyes opened and he rubbed them with confusion. It took him a few seconds to understand that he wasn’t in his dorm room, but in the come and go room, and the curls belonged to the boy sleeping soundly on his chest, his mouth slightly ajar, his breaths peaceful. His hands were cradling James’ hips and chest, holding them sacredly, as if someone would try and take them away from him. His head laid softly on James’ neck, breathing evenly. 

In his sleep, Regulus looked calmer than James had ever seen him. Safe and sound, he appeared as if he was dreaming of something quite pleasant, by the way he sometimes murmured words in a language that James couldn’t understand, and he was absolutely, irrevocably beautiful. 

After watching him, mesmerized, for a few minutes, James kissed his forehead slightly. Regulus, apparently, is a very light sleeper, because that woke him up with a quick blink. For a few moments, he seemed confused, his eyebrows furrowing and his head turning, until his eye met James’, and he looked, fuck - he looked as if he’d been struck by lightning, or something.

“You’re in my bed,” he said, voice still scratchy from waking up.

“I am,” James’ lips twitched. 

“Oh, we’re- we fell asleep here,” he said softly, the realization hitting him.

“Yes,” James moved his hand, fingers playing with Regulus’ curls. 

Regulus lifted himself from James’ chest and sat on the bed, making James straighten his posture and lean on the bed frame. He smiled softly at Regulus.

“Yesterday,” Regulus said carefully, gazing into his eyes. 

“Yesterday,” James repeated, a small smile gracing his features.

“Are we…?”

“Oh,” James said, “Yes.”

“And just to clarify, what are you saying yes to?” Regulus returned, his lips now twitching.

James looked at him for a moment before he sighed, leaning to him, pressing a kiss onto his neck, then another on his cheek, “Will you,” a kiss to the corner of his mouth, “Regulus Arcturus- wait, Arcturus, right?” he paused, his face still so close to Regulus’ that he could feel his breaths.

“Yes, Arcturus,” Regulus tried not to laugh, and failed quite miserably.

“Regulus Arcturus Black,” James returned to his very important job that entailed kissing every part of Regulus’ face,” Be my boyfriend?”

Regulus stopped, his lips fighting a smile and his eyebrows furrowed. “You know, I’m actually with someone, so I-”

James tackled him and he fell, twisted in the sheets now, flat on his back with James on top of him. He then kissed his neck softly, one after the other trailing kisses until he got to his mouth. His lips hovered there, with Regulus’ breath hitching underneath him.

“Now?” he whispered, smiling.

Regulus stared in disbelief before he reached forward with his hand and pulled James neck to him, kissing him softly. “Yeah, Alright.”

The events of last night were still shocking to James. 

Call him a sap and he will take it proudly, because some part of James did hope for all of this to happen. He did wish, relentlessly so for those three weeks, and even before for Regulus to come around. He knew it may not happen, but somehow, at the same time, he also knew that it would. Hope, so they call it.

Those three weeks haven’t treated James with much kindness.

As it turns out, he got quite used to Regulus and his presence in his life. Not in the sense that he took it for granted, but for the hope he always had in him to meet him again on the next day. He went to sleep with that hope, laughed with his friends with that hope, won Quidditch matches with it, dreamt of it at night and cradled it to his chest, hanging on to dear life. But for those three weeks, that hope had been… rattled, to say the least, and the optimist in him had taken quite the blow. 

He didn’t really understand the whole thing, which is why it was incredibly frustrating to him, a guy who quite literally revised a seduction plan to get the guy he was after. It was confusing - the way in which Regulus always seemed to want him and then pull away right when James laid bare in front of him, the way he was mean, teasing playfully for one second like he loves to do, and then serious and elsewhere in his thoughts the next. He was soft and adoring for one moment, and crude and vengeful in the next. 

In some ways, the chase was exhilarating, and in others, in the moments he wished Regulus was his already, that he could hold him and know that something so divine was in his reach, it was devastating. No one tells you that the chase will sometimes leave you out of breath, lying on the ground, begging to be understood. 

On some days, he wondered if he’d die like this, pining. Waiting.

On others he smiled at the fantasy.

Sometimes, he was sure he’d wait forever, if only he could touch Regulus every once in a while, absorb into him or just tap his shoulder to get his attention. If he could just talk to him every once in a while, if Regulus would let him, if he could come and see him, or kiss him at a party when the shadows are hiding them, cradling them like a secret to all that is the deepest truth he ever knew. 

Every goal that he scored, Regulus was on, and every word that he uttered sounded Regulus’ echo, and the pain melted into his tongue when he saw Regulus with anyone else. He could feel it, crumbling inside him, the ugliest and most human of emotions rearing its ugly head. Jealousy. 

He could feel Regulus staring at him like a shadow that followed him whenever he went. Oh, was it thrilling, just for him to look in his direction, just for that one crumble of attention. These were the only moments that Regulus was his and his alone. He never looked at anyone else like that.

He heard about the boy Regulus kissed. Through a friend of a friend who mouthed it to Peter, who said rumor has it he upped and left there in the middle. He could almost see it, could almost taste it as he did. Jealousy turned into curiosity, that turned into pain that turned into silence. Isn’t that the way all illicit affairs end?

Apparently not. 

James, as I mentioned, was caught off guard by this.

By the fact that just when he thought Regulus would throw him to the dogs, would eat at his flesh with grace as he scattered it, Regulus took skein and made it into roses. That moment, the moment of the kiss.

A kiss to a lover is water to a plant. 

But rarely can a plant go without water, starving and pining for it, and can be rested and peaceful when the water does grace its leaves. 

“Regulus,” James said suddenly, rolling to his side. From the corner of his eye, he could see Regulus staring up at the ceiling, mesmerized. 

“Yes?”

“Come to the ball with me?” he asked sheepishly. 

Regulus turned his face and was now facing him.

“The Yule ball?”

“That’s the one.”

Regulus fell silent, but James laid steady next to him, feeling his breaths.

“That’s in a few days. Sure took your time with that,” he snickered.

“Oh, I wonder who’s fault that is.”

“Well, you. Obviously.”

“Me, obviously,” he returned with a grin.

“Who else would I blame for the atrocities of our world?” he ticked, as if musing something terribly important, yet his eyes remained mischievous. 

“Will you, though?” James asked simply again, soft.

“Yes, you idiot.”

Like it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

And in a way, it was.

Regulus turned his head when James fell silent. His eyes met the other pair. “What?” he asked softly, his voice still a bit sleepy.

“Oh, you’re beautiful.” 

A shadow of a smile ran through his face. Fast, almost wishing not to be seen.

“James?” 

“Yes?”

“You want to tell people, right? About…” 

“Us?” he asked. “Yeah, ‘course I do.” Regulus didn’t answer. “We can wait, of course,” he added quickly, “If you’re not ready.”

He seemed relieved. 

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” he said quickly, “I’m just… well, imagine this for a second, okay?” He sat up straight where he had laid before and his eyes turned serious. 

James nodded fondly.

“You’re in love with the guy who is your estranged brother’s best friend in the whole world. You spend years telling yourself you hate him, despise him with every fiber of your being, until you fall in love with him. You have a big, embarrassing crush on him, and all of your friends know and tease you about it relentlessly. And then, one day,” he swallowed, “your brother leaves you to go live with the guy you’ve been in love with for years. The only guy you really ever loved. And then, your mother who he left you behind with, puts veritaserum in your tea one afternoon and you inevitably out yourself when she asks you to take a wife. You get kicked out, your sex life makes it to the papers, and the guy you’ve been in love with for as long as you can remember starts being your friend. He takes you to places and listens to you, he comforts you, and when you really didn’t think it was possible, he makes you fall in love with him even more. And you watch him fall in love with you, he tells you - but you don’t listen - because there’s another voice in your head that tells you, assures you that you don’t deserve someone like him to love you, which practically everyone with a pair of eyes would tell you if they knew. And then you cave, because no matter what that little voice in your head says, this guy is the first, only and probably last love you’ll ever have, and you’ve never wanted anything more in your life. So you want to keep him a secret, just for a little while, before everyone knows. Because you’ve wanted him for as long as you can remember wanting something, and he’s fucking yours. He’s yours, and nobody else can have him.”

He took a big breath.

“Wow.” James said. He soaks it all in for a minute before he says, “So, a big embarrassing crush on me, you say?”

 Regulus swept the pillow James was leaning on and threw it on his face. 

“Oi!” James yelled. “So much for in love with me.”

Regulus drew closer. 

“You were right. You are, in fact, really fucking annoying.”

James took his hands and pulled him swiftly towards him. Their faces close, his eyes examining, learning every part of Regulus’ face, hungrily, as if his face was the map to a treasure hidden behind his eyes.

“And yes, I get it. I can wait however long you want. Want me all to yourself, and all that,” he murmured with a smile, even though no one could hear them. 

“Yes, I do,” Regulus whispered back, pressuring his own knees to James’, the touch making him lean back on the bed frame. Regulus followed, almost crawling in an attempt to stay as close as possible to him, his breaths slow on James’ skin, making him lose it the closer Regulus got. 

“You’re…” James whispered, “Oh, I’m the luckiest man alive. 

“You are.”

“So,” he said with a heavy breath quietly as Regulus was slowly undoing his tie, “Tell me about that big embarrassing crush of yours.”

Regulus hummed, “What do you want to know?”

The tie crept around his neck before falling next to them on the bed.

“First time you looked at me and thought, I’d shag that.”

“Classy. Your fourth year. My third,” his lips kissed James’ chest as the buttons started opening, touch so soft it was almost nonexistent. 

“What was it I did to get you all hot and bothered?” James mumbled, not as able to speak clearly as he was before. Oh, he's so gone. 

“Quidditch. You were practicing outside. Took your shirt off,” he mumbled as he opened the last button.

“You were with other people, weren’t you?” James leaned his head back, “Before me.” A soft moan escaped his lips and caused Regulus to smile against his skin. 

“Yes,” he replied softly, almost biting his neck with the force with which he kissed it, harsh, demanding. Almost territorial now. “But it wasn’t them who got me there, you know?” he whispered. 

Oh.

“Oh?” he mumbled softly, almost with a cry.

“It was always you, James. For me. You were all I thought about with them.”

Oh.

“You’re going to kill me if you keep doing that, you know,” and he is butter between Regulus’ hands, almost like he’d never been touched by anyone else, like he was merely watching humanity until he was touched, worshiped as he was now. 

“Oh, I know,” Regulus said simply before he finally kissed him. James drank the kiss from his lips like he was water. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

“Oh,” he whined softly. “Oh, you’re going to kill me, and it’s not even breakfast.”

“Don’t talk,” he ordered.

 James slammed his mouth shut.

“Good,” he said before going down, not even touching, leaving rough kisses on James chest and his neck, lowering himself, still on his knees. So calm, methodical, worshipful. 

Oh, oh, oh-

“Please, I-” 

“Look at me,” Regulus told him. James caught his eyes as he whimpered to the touch on his neck, burning as he did. “Good. So good. Look at me, don’t take your eyes off me,” he said, “Can you do that for me?”

James nodded slowly, almost in rhythm with the pace Regulus went up and down. Almost, burning, collapsing under touch, his mouth open.

Then Regulus slowly pushed forward, his knee sliding up between his legs as he crawled farther, kissing James’ mouth, sucking, pushing hard, Yes, yes, yes, yes.

“Do it for me, James.”  

Then the whole world went black as he went boneless, in a state between life and death, filled with every sense there ever was, overdosing on all of them at once. Regulus still pressed against him ,collapsing softly next to him, his hands not leaving him as he watched him fall apart from under him. 

He opened his eyes after, his chest still heavy, his breathing uneven.

“Do you want me to…” his voice still rough and scratched.

“Oh, this was plenty for me.”

He lifted his wand and mumbled a cleaning spell, not only on James but on himself.

Oh. 

“From… watching me?” 

“I wasn’t kidding when I said you get me there,” he smirked.

“You’re evil. Absolutely evil. Vile, even.”

Regulus pulled his shoulders. He got up and started buttoning his shirt.

“You’re leaving,” James got up.

“There’s breakfast, I’m pretty sure my brother searched the entire castle for you already when you didn’t come back last night. Not to mention, my friends.”

James took the tie off of the bed and stuffed it in Regulus’ pocket.

“I hate it when you’re right.”

Regulus huffed. “Get used to it.”

“So mean,” he grinned widely. 

“I do recall you telling me once you have a thing for mean people.”

Regulus pulled him closer to button his shirt. 

“Oh, I absolutely do. Remus says it’s psychosexual. I say it’s fun,” he snickered. 

Regulus smiled.

“If you want to tell your friends you can,” James said as he fished absentmindedly for his tie and stuffed it in his pocket. “We’ll go at whatever pace you want, no matter what that is.”

“I know,” he said softly. “Thank you.”

“When can I see you again?”

“Here, tonight? Whenever you want, really,” Regulus smiled. He seemed happier than James hadn't seen him in… well, ever. 

“Tonight,” James confirmed, a smile growing on his lips. He got closer, almost touching, but not. Floating. “You look so happy,” he said, almost whispering.

“Of course I am,” Regulus breathed.

“Do I really make you happy?”

Regulus waited a few moments before he spoke. The words tingled between his lips as he spoke, as if rushing to get out, just for James to know them.

“More than I ever thought I could be.”

Oh.

He looked up at James and swallowed hard. His eyes traveled quickly, dancing on James’ features, wanting to absorb them all. He stared at James as if he was something mighty, something to be worshiped, to be known. He seemed to come to his senses after a few moments, cleared his throat and said, “Alright, I’ll go first. Wait a minute after you follow.”

“Yes, sir.”

Regulus shot him an amused look before he disappeared through the door.

The great hall was crowded already. James usually showed up earlier than this hour, usually practicing on the pitch or going on a run. Nevertheless, he found his friends, fishing for them quickly with his eyes, and made his way to them.

When he sat down next to Remus, he noticed Sirius’ eyes were heavy with black eye bags. He hadn’t slept.

He stared at James, his eyes wide.

“Good morning,” James said, trying to sound casual, and loaded his plate. 

“Where were you?” Sirius cut sharply. 

Remus stiffed next to him, “Sirius.”

“Oh, I was-”

“Your tie is missing,” he added. “And you’re wearing yesterday’s clothes.”

“Oh! My tie… wait,” he fished for it from his back pocket, trying to tie it quickly, when he noticed. 

Oh, shit. 

Shit. 

It wasn’t his tie. 

It was Regulus’.

Sirius’ face danced with an odd expression for a few moments. It seemed as if the whole table went silent. Remus smiled slightly at James, as if he understood, but then turned and stared at Sirius with an expression he wore only during pranks. Be careful what you do next, it said. Peter seemed amused, almost oblivious to the tension at the table - almost a fifth party with its intensity. Sirius stared at him, then at the tie.

For a moment, it hit him. What had always been at the back of his mind during those last few months, when the obsession became something real. He pushed the thought away almost every time it came, but the truth was strictly undeniable now. Would Sirius really be this angry? He had convinced himself he wouldn’t be. Surely, not at Regulus, at least not in the way that he could be angry at James if the thought even crossed his mind. 

Come to think of it, it was actually unprecedented for their relationship. They have always been something else, untouched by reality or romantic desires - they have never been interested in the same person or conflicted by the other’s choice - mainly because James would rarely kiss, but would not date. But this was different, his brother, for merlin’s sake. 

As James drove himself down farther and farther down the rabbit hole, Sirius’ face calmed, and he looked at James with a quizzical look. This only lasted for a few seconds, but he shot Remus a look, as if what he had hiding behind his eyes earlier had disappeared. His face flooded with an overjoyed grin, half genuine and half - well, that James didn’t know,  and he said: “Had fun last night, Prongs?”

James became immediately relieved.

“Guess you could say that,” he recovered, smiling sheepishly. 

“Hot, were they?” Sirius asked casually and stuffed more potatoes in his mouth, grinning at James. 

Fuck no.

“Nope. Not doing this with you.”

Remus choked a laugh and put his head between his hands. By this, James was sure he knew. “Leave him be, Pads.”

“My boy’s all grown up now,” Sirius sighed dramatically. “Leaving the nest. Hooking up with odd sorts…”

“Oi! I’m not hooking up with odd sorts!”

“But you are hooking up?” 

“My sex life is not a discussion for the breakfast table. Can’t you talk about anything else?” James groaned.

“Oh! A sex life, so he says,” Sirius seemed amused.

When James’ eyes carried themselves, a habit by now, to the Slytherin table as Sirius kept talking - and there he sat. 

With his friends, Regulus seemed different than James had ever seen him before. Laughing with his head falling backwards, his smile bright enough to blind James, even three tables away. This morning, he was quiet, smiling to himself as he picked on his food. James stared, relentlessly, shamelessly, because he was allowed now, wasn’t he?

Like a cat, Regulus noticed quickly, as he always did, and his head rose from his plate, smile widening as he caught James’ eye. James’ heart fluttered, and he swallowed, realizing this was the first time they truly returned the other’s gaze. 

In his hand, Regulus held something quite fiercely, dark red and gold, half hidden under the table, he opened his palm. 

James’ tie. 

His eyes went wide. Of course. He put his own tie in Regulus’ pocket.

He lifted his own tie - well, Regulus’ tie - to show him. 

Regulus’ smile didn’t falter. His eyes gave a look, and he shook his head slightly. 

James mouthed, sorry.

Regulus looked down to his plate, grinning uncontrollably. He rubbed his hair and resumed talking to his friends, stealing a glance at James every once in a while.

Oh, James is so, so unbelievably fucked.

“Hey, what’s got you all googly eyed?” Sirius kicked his knee under the table, waking him from staring.

“Sorry?”

“You alright?” he smiled at him, something hidden behind his lips as he did.

“Great, actually.”

★ 

Regulus walked in the room around fifteen minutes after dinner.

James had gotten there before him, too nervous to actually stick around until all of his friends were done eating like he usually did. 

The rest of the day since the previous morning has been nothing less than excruciating. Have you ever had a secret so wonderful that it almost escaped from your chest, screaming itself out of rooftops?

James did, now. 

That secret had black curls and cunning eyes. 

That secret was Regulus. 

James is usually a very open person. Not prone to keeping too many things to himself, always looking forward to telling his friends when something good happened to him, or console with them when something bad happened. But this secret he cradled to his chest all day.

Technically, the only person who knew was Remus. Not for James’ lack of keeping quiet, because he did - but because it was apparently written all over his fucking face all day, and showing up with the wrong tie to breakfast may have not helped with this assumption. So, right before potions, when Sirius had already walked into class, he grabbed James’ arm and yanked him back to the hallway. 

“James.”

“Remus,” he said, confused. The hallway was silent. “This is weird.”

“You’re weird. I know, you idiot.”

“Know what? There’s nothing going on,” he tried.

Remus rolled his eyes. 

“For his sake, I hope you fuck better than you lie. Which is terribly, by the way.”

James choked a sound of surprise. “Fuck, Remus. Yeah, Okay. Yes. We’re together.”

“Wicked. You look happy,” Remus grinned.

“I am. So happy, Remus. You have no idea. I feel like I’m going to explode.”

“Good. You deserve it,” he paused, before: “So…”

“So…?” James repeated, confused. 

“Fuck him yet?”

“DUDE.”

“What? It’s a fair assumption. Going around with mismatched ties and all. I’m only curious.”

“Must you be this invested in my sex life?”

“You’re a virgin. You have no sex life. And I’m bored.”

“We… yes. Kinda.”

“And kinda means…”

“That he’s got a wicked tongue and that I don’t wish to discuss the matter any further.”

“Touche.”

“Bonjour.”

“Are you just saying the only other French word you know?” 

“Aren’t you?” James snickered before he went in the class, followed by Remus’ choked laughter right after.

For the rest of the day, in and out of classes, he would look for Regulus in the hallways. 

If you’ve ever been fortunate enough to fall in love, you’d know this routine by now: the person you love is everywhere, and simultaneously nowhere to be found, and you want to be around them all the time and want them never to look at you again. James almost couldn’t think straight - classes passed in a haze, and only after the class that came after lunch did he see Regulus walking the same hallway as him. For a moment, his breath hitched, and he just sent a small smile his way. Regulus was walking with his friends, Crouch and Rosier (who seemed exceptionally close, if James dared to say), Dorcas and Pandora, who shot James a gentle, knowing look. Regulus’ lips twitched softly but he didn’t say anything. James turned to look back at him as he went the other direction.

So, when he walked in the room after dinner, it went something like this:

“You complete-” Regulus started as soon as he walked in, but was stopped rather quickly by an eager James Potter who kissed him, positively slamming him against the wall. 

Regulus couldn’t put a fight against his lips and started kissing back, pulling on James’ curls. When he came up for air, Regulus continued. 

“-Complete idiot, do you know how much of an ass I looked when I put on the wrong tie during breakfast, you-”

James kissed him again. 

“You have to stop doing that,” Regulus mumbled, his lips twitching. 

“I missed you today.”

“You’re unbelievable, you know. Fairy-tale unbelievable,” Regulus snickered. “It’s only been a few hours.”

“You clearly didn’t get off from Regulus Black when you woke up this morning.”

Regulus rolled his eyes. 

He went to sit down on the couch and stared at James from afar, his eyes wearing an unreadable expression. 

“I’m feeling very objectified,” James stated as he sat down on the bed across from him.

“Shut up. You’ve been trying to get in my pants since december.”

James' jaw went slack - “Oh, you’re one to talk. You should’ve seen yourself after Christmas. You’re so fit, James, You’re so-”

Regulus threw the pillow beside him on the couch to shut him up.

“Feisty.”

“And mean, I do recall,” he said and got up, approaching the bed and sitting next to James. 

“Do you think he knows?” he asked quietly after a few moments, looking up to meet James’ gaze. His eyes carried worry in them.

“I don’t know, actually,” James admitted. Because he was truly confused by what happened this morning. The way Sirius’ eyes shifted, as if a decision - a grave one - had been decided right before his eyes. Did he know? Suspect, even? “He was weird this morning. Good weird, I think. Not mad.”

Regulus looked at him, waiting for him to continue speaking. 

“Well, Remus knows. I didn’t tell him, I swear! Well, I told him when we started, technically, after we kissed for the first time. He tried to help me win you over,” he admitted, sheepishly. 

“When he got you on the pitch looking like a-”

“Yeah.”

“I should send him flowers for that. Drove me insane.”

“Really?”

“I may not have gotten off from Regulus Black this morning but I have seen James Potter on the pitch looking like… Well, I had a cold, cold shower after that game, is what I’m saying.”

“Anyway,” Regulus huffed a laugh when James changed the subject, “He saw it on my face this morning, pulled me to the side. He would never tell Sirius, but I think he’s starting to work it out, or at least that he knows something. I don’t know.”

“What did Lupin say? When…” he asked, nervous. 

“He was happy for me. He said I looked really happy. Then he asked if we fucked already,” he said, still in high spirits, not yet realizing the question hidden in Regulus’ words.

“Oh,” Regulus said, his expression crudish. 

“Does it worry you? What other people think, I mean,” James asked, quieter now, his eyebrows furrowed. 

“Yes,” he answered immediately, then, “No. Maybe. I don’t know.” 

“Do you have trouble with it sometimes? Being gay, I mean.”

“Sometimes,” he replied simply. 

James didn’t push. He waited for him to finish, or leave it be as it is. 

Regulus takes a few moments, minutes, maybe, before he answers.

“I’m not like you. I didn’t have the parents you have. I wasn’t… it’s not that I didn’t want to before. To be with you, I mean.”

“I know,” James hummed quietly, smiling softly at him. 

“You know?” Regulus looked up to him at last. 

“You told me you loved me. After Hogsmeade.”

“Oh, I don’t- I don’t remember.”

“I can tell you, if you want to know. Whatever you want, Regulus.”

He nodded carefully.

“You were drunk,” he cleared his throat. “You came to the tower and I saw that you were sloshed. I asked if you were okay, and you told me you kissed someone else, and said he looked like me. Then you tried to kiss me. Really tried, but I pushed you off. You were crying,” he took a break, looking at Regulus for a sign to continue, to which he nodded and swallowed, waiting. “I took you to the room. You wanted me to stay, so I did. I didn’t want to leave you alone there. And then you told me you loved me, and that you’re sorry. You kept saying you were sorry.”

“I am. Sorry. I’m really sorry for how I treated you,” he whispered. “It wasn’t fair.”

“I forgive you,” James said, simply. “I know it was hard for you. I didn’t always understand it, but I could see it. I’m sorry I didn’t-”

“Oh, don’t you dare say that,” Regulus cut in. “You shouldn’t be sorry for anything.”

“I could’ve gotten you out,” he said, harshly. “I should have.”

“The only person that could have gotten me out of that house was me. It didn’t happen in the way I wanted, but it did. And you’re- oh, you’re such a big part of why I got out.”

Regulus looked up to him, nervous as he was before, but the courage was wielding itself between his eyes. Slowly, as if courage was an object you had to grasp, cling to - and the moment Regulus touched it, his eyes turned brighter and he met James’ gaze.

“Do you remember when we first met?” he asked suddenly. 

“Of course.”

“That was the moment I knew. About me, I mean.”

“Oh,” James said.

Because what can you even say to that? 

What is there to say?

“That was a part of why I hated you so much, you know. Though I don’t think I really could, after I met you. Don’t think I have it in me to hate you. But I tried, I really did - I was watching you, during my first year. All the time, every time you were close I was watching you, because I- I wanted you to be this horrible, horrible person that I could hate, that I could push it all down with. But you weren’t,” he laughed, “You were everything but, actually.”

“I gave up after a few months. It took a while, but I did. I told my friends I hated you, but I loved you just the same. And I was coming around to it, you know? I would imagine how it felt like if you wanted me back, and how it would feel if… but that didn’t matter as soon as I got back home that Christmas.”

“My mother, she’s very good at legilimency.”

James swallowed hard. He knew, already, from Sirius. Not all, in bits and pieces, but he never knew that she used it on Regulus.

“She knew, I think. Even then. There’s this part, when someone invades your mind so violently, when you see all of the memories they’re going through. Not clearly, fast, it’s so fast - it gets so blurry, and it hurts so much,” he’s in a rush of words, clearly overwhelmed, “But you can see it, what they’re taking. What they’re looking at. And she saw you. All over me, she saw you.”

“Regulus,” he said. It was a plea. 

“When I got out, I got kicked out. Because she took it out of me, like she tried to take you from my mind, again and again. I- I think that it wasn’t all because she hated me being gay, but that she could feel it. She knew I’d run if it was you I ran to. She knew it because I knew it. Because she knows me,” Regulus said, softer now. He seemed lighter with each word he uttered. “She knows me, but I  know me better than she does. It’s hard, to think about other people knowing about us. Because it’s hard for me sometimes to know there is an us. But there is,” he smiled, “There is, and I want it to be.”

“It can be a secret - just for us to know, however long you want it,” James leaned in, and he could feel Regulus’ breath catch as he did, not touching - a secret, a secret, a secret. 

“A secret of us?” he said back, his eyes looking up to James, and his lips caught a wicked grin before he kissed him. Soft, with his mouth closed.

And maybe that’s why all of the books in the world were written, and why soldiers went to war and why James never felt the way he does now when kissing someone else. He’s open and he’s closed, he’s close and he’s so far, he’s reaching, he’s running - and he’s there. He’s here. He’s everywhere. 

“The secret thing is really working for you, isn’t it?” Regulus laughed as he pulled himself away. 

“Mhmm.”

“The ball should be fun, then,” He snickered.

“How so?”  James asked, amused.

“Because I could teach you, you know,” Regulus smiled, secretly. 

“Teach me what?” James leaned closer.

“How to have an illicit affair.”