Sex, Jealousy And Longing
“Oi, Remus.”
“Mhhm.”
“Moony.”
“Er, sorry. Yeah, Prongs, how can I help?” he reluctantly tore his eyes away from the book and looked at James.
“Funny you should say that, my dear old friend.”
He smiled as Remus rolled his eyes.
“Let’s hear it.”
“Hear what?”
“Your plan to seduce Regulus. C’mon, I wasn’t born yesterday. I know a James Potter scheme when I see one.”
“Knew I came to the right person,” he said as he jabbed Remus’ shoulder fondly.
He paused and continued carefully, “So, something weird happened yesterday”
“Do tell,” Remus said and closed his book. He might not look it, but it was Remus who was involved in all matters of gossip that occurred in Gryffindor tower. He was a very good listener, and people around him seemed to never want to stop talking. So through him James was kept informed of the happenings in the castle. Last week he said that Justin Flechly broke up with his girlfriend, and the day after that started dating her sister ( “and they’re TWINS!” ).
“Remember how I took Regulus out to Hogsmeade last week?” he said.
Remus nodded, focused.
“So, we were having a great time. He’s amazing, really, so sharp, like his eyes can see everything that’s going on. And we went to this bookstore he likes, apparently he loves muggle literature, and he kissed me there. But he was being weird about it. Obviously the kiss was good but he just… pulled away? like he was forbidden from doing it or something.”
“Well, technically, he was forbidden from doing it for a long time, you know.”
Oh.
He hadn’t really thought about that part.
“And it’s the same with Sirius. Sometimes I look in his eyes and it’s like he’s still there. Regulus didn’t have it easy. He was outed and then the bitch kicked him out. Wouldn’t you be scared shitless to kiss a guy after that?”
“How’re things with you and Sirius, by the way?” James asked, easily distracted. Sometimes he just wanted to smash their heads together and tell them how clear it is that they both love each other. He was pretty sure that there’s a big sign on earth that said - Remus Lupin and Sirius Black fancy each other.
“Oh,” Remus said, smirking for a reason unknown to James, “We’re alright. The situation is very… bendy.”
“Oh?”
To which Remus smiled one of his mysterious smiles in reply.
“So, then what happened?”
Oh, right. Seducing the former heir to the Black family.
“He came to the astronomy tower last night when I was there, and he was really drunk. And he started mumbling about kissing this other guy.”
“Bugger.”
“He said he looked like me. The guy, I mean. And then he tried to kiss me. I think he was going to do more if I hadn’t stopped him.”
“And why did you stop him?” Remus asked carefully.
“What do you mean why? Because it’s wrong. He was sloshed.”
“You’re right. But I don’t think that’s not the only reason,” he said simply.
He could always see through you, Remus.
James took a few moments before he replied. “I guess I just wanted it to be real. I just couldn’t stand the thought that he might’ve not wanted it if he was sober,” he said quietly. “I think I’m in love with him, you know.”
Remus hummed. “I know,” he said softly, a silhouette of pity in his eyes.
“I don’t think he doesn’t want it when he’s sober. I think something’s holding him back. He’s scared, sure. But there has to be something else,” Remus inferred.
“Do you have any idea?” James asked, trying to keep the desperation out of his voice.
“Isn’t it obvious?” he said, a slight shade of bitterness to his voice, “Sirius.”
“Fuck.”
“You really do have terrible taste in men, James. You could have picked literally any other bloke in the castle to fall in love with and you chose the estranged brother of your best friend.”
James smacked him fondly.
“They got us good, didn’t they?”
“That they did.”
“Bastards.”
“Hot bastards,” Remus pointed out. He shook his head.
They shared a nice silence before he said: “Okay, plan. Come on, prongs. Tell me what you’ve got so far.”
He was quick to put up the silencing charm.
“Okay, so I was thinking…”
★
Remus explained that every plan of seduction must entail three parts, that were deathly when combined and only amusing when separated. Those, of course, were as following:
Part one: Sex
“Do I have to… y’know, sleep with him?” he asked Remus sheepishly.
“Don’t say that like it doesn’t get you going. And no, you don’t. The greatest thing about sex is the anticipation. Upon using the anticipation of sex against someone, you can get away with a lot of shit. He already wants to fuck your brains out. Use it.”
The Quidditch match was supposed to be in the late hours of the morning. Gryffindor against Slytherin, who won on a technicality when playing against Ravenclaw last game. That didn’t mean he could underestimate them. Each team was known for a particular skill that was sharpened endlessly by its captain. For Slytherin, it was mainly tormenting the other team’s players. They would focus their strategy on a specific player and knock him down. James had a personal theory that the captain ordered each of them to take down a player in every game, or at least focus on them in a way that was most definitely forbidden.
Either way, it was time to take a page out of the Slytherin captain’s book.
The whistle made a shrieking sound as the players, all hurriedly got on their brooms.
The Quaffle was released seconds after that.
The snitch was released right after, its wings flattering before it disappeared right behind James’ ear.
And the game begun.
The conditions were quite good at this time of the season. A gentle breeze came from the trees and made flying feel like floating.
He could already see Regulus on the other side of the pitch. Half looking for the snitch and half sneaking him looks. He could not make out his face from afar, but his curls moved gently with the wind, as if he was playing a game of catch with it. He seemed less focused than he was usually. Through years of watching him play, it was rare if he even gave the other players a glance. He was always in his own world, a world with one purpose that put all the other ones to shame.
Regulus being a seeker made a lot of sense to James. He seemed to know all that existed around him better than anything, as if he was a geographer of people and feelings, quiet as a cat and invisible as a firefly. Even when he walked the ground his steps were so light they were barely heard, especially if you weren’t expecting him.
That was probably the reason Slytherin made him their youngest player ever.
He was deadly.
Nevertheless, James was determined to make the plan work. Remus made sure to talk to him before the game and go over the best plays that were suitable for the plan. James sat there, baffled, “How do you know so much about Quidditch?” , for Remus had never shown the slightest bit of interest in the game. “I don’t. I just know what would make him drool if you were to do it.” And to that James didn’t really have a comeback. And so Remus tightened his uniform to the best of his abilities and practically ordered him to make himself indecent. In the dressing room Marlene whistled as he came in, so he guessed Remus was successful.
The game was different than he thought it would be. Somehow despite having a higher goal than winning, he was sharp and focused, scoring one goal after another, and by the time Regulus caught the snitch, the stakes were too high for Gryffindor already.
“HE CAUGHT IT! Black once again saves Slytherin’s dignity this season by catching the snitch,” said the commenter, some fourth year named Cathy “ but thanks to Gryffindor’s captain James Potter, who scored 19 goals, GRYFFINDOR WINS 230:160!!!”
The screams are loud.
Cheering.
Shoving.
It’s always like this, and even though James knew he scored more goals this game than any other player did in the season, he couldn’t help but feel as though it wasn’t enough. As his teammates lifted him up in the air, screaming his name, his eyes searched for Regulus, who was nowhere to be found.
When he went back to the dressing room to take a shower after the game, his teammates were still talking about the game. Mary and Marlene had already started talking about the afterparty.
James took off his shirt and hovered for a few moments, half listening to the conversation and nodding absentmindedly to the praise, and decided to go look for Regulus, who usually hung around the changing rooms after the games.
He pulled the door only to find Regulus there, already waiting for him, as if he was contemplating whether or not to open the door. James couldn’t help but smile.
Regulus was staring.
“Good game,” he said weakly.
“You too. Good catch.”
His eyes now went down to James’ waist, where the tattoo he got with Remus and Sirius last summer was.
Sirius found out about tattoos earlier that summer when he saw a stick and poke on Remus’ thigh, and wouldn’t stop talking about how cool it looked for weeks. To make him shut up, Remus took the two of them to an old tattoo shop in muggle London, and the three of them got tattoos. Remus got a ‘starman’ tattoo on his heel, James a sun on his waist and Sirius a star on his chest.
Regulus looked almost nonverbal.
James made a mental reminder to thank Remus profusely next time he sees him.
“Regulus?” he said as he drew closer to him, making Regulus back up to the wall behind him. “You alright?”
He swallowed, “Yeah.”
“You should drop by the afterparty. If you want.”
“I thought it was Gryffindor only?” he said, his pupils looking blown as he looked up at him.
“You’ll be my guest then, won’t you?” he said, smiling. Regulus' mouth parted. He looked like he was about to explode.
“Oh. Sure. Yeah,” he mumbled.
And before he pulled away to go back to hit the showers, he drew close to Regulus’ ear, almost touching, and whispered, “I’ll see you there.”
Regulus was still standing there when the door closed behind him.
Part wo: jealousy
“If Regulus is anything like his brother, he’s one of the most jealous people you’ve met. Jealousy is the one emotion we can’t resist and it will make us do anything,” Remus said.
“Oh, I know.” James huffed. “What do I have to do?”
“Win the game and invite him to the party. From there…”
“Please don’t make me do it.”
“You have to.”
“Come on.”
Sirius stared at him with admonishment.
“Bugger. Okay,” James said.
The party started shortly after the team went back to the tower. A few of his ‘groupies’, as Sirius liked to call them, organized it. It was the usual set up, only more and more people came in, all Gryffindor, of course, as was custom to house celebrations. All people of different years came to him and congratulated him profusely on getting Gryffindor one step closer to winning the cup.
It all seemed to go well until Sirius, quite suddenly, remembered the tradition. The chaser who scored the most goals in the game had to do as many shots as the goals they scored. As exciting as it was during his first games - you see, James had to do this pretty often - it slowly became a hazard. Nevertheless, he accepted it gracefully and watched Sirius bring out the tray with a smile.
They were organized in four neat lines of five shots a row.
He put an extra one there.
“Fuck you,” he said as he grabbed the first one.
“Only if you buy me dinner first,” Sirius winked. As he always did, he grabbed the extra shot off the tray and toasted it with James’ one.
“To what shall we toast, kind sir?” James said, enhancing his posh accent.
“Why, intoxication,” Sirius grinned and downed it, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed.
After the first shot, James took another.
Then another.
Then, another.
By the eighteenth shot, Sirius was supporting his back and laughing as he slurred, “s’pretty.”
“What?” he laughed.
“So pretty, he’s so pretty.”
“Who is?”
“So prettyyyyyy.”
“Oh, I’m sure he is,” Sirius smirked, “Take it, it’s your last one. Then you’re done.”
He looked around at the people cheering and smiled. He glanced at the door, as he often did that night, in the hopes to see him come in.
And this time, unlike the other times James looked, hovering and half listening to conversations, there he stood. His hands clasping and his eyebrows furrowed, eyes looking, gazing, looking for him.
And wasn’t he so beautiful.
As James took the last shot, people around him cheered, and a pair of gray eyes met his.
He had to stop himself from walking over and remind himself of the plan. So he waved and smiled at Regulus and forced himself to look over to Remus, who stood by the stairs. Remus nodded at his look and walked towards him.
“You want me to… kiss someone else? I don’t want to do that.”
“No, no,” he dismissed with an eye roll, “The thing about jealousy is that it takes apart the most mundane of things and makes them into thunderstorms. He wants you, but he is sure he can’t have you. The latter doesn’t cancel out the former. Whatever you do, if it’s with anyone else, he’d still be jealous.”
“So I don’t have to…”
“No, James. All you have to do is make it look suggestive. And I’m going to help you do it.”
“You look like a whore,” Remus said as he took another drag out of his cigarette, grinning as James stepped closer. He put a glass filled with what James guessed was muggle alcohol aside.
“You spend too much time with Mary, mate. Plus, I thought it was the whole point of the plan. Y’know, Seduce Black Heir. Make Potter heir look indecent ,” he grinned.
“Touche.”
Remus lent out his hand to James and handed him a sobering potion, James nodded thankfully as he drank it quickly.
“So, what now?” James asked nervously and put his hands in his pockets. He could practically feel Regulus’ eyes pierce holes in his back.
“Now you come closer and look pretty. Act like I said something really funny,” Remus said, in all seriousness.
James huffed.
“Why are you in this so much anyway? Don’t get me wrong,” he added quickly, “I’m like, eternally grateful and all. Just… wondering.”
“You’re my best friend. My brother, James,” Remus said and patted his back. “Plus, this is so fun. You have no idea.”
James grinned. “Moony, I’ve always said you were the evil mastermind among us. We would have had nothing without you.”
“Get closer and pretend to whisper something in my ear,” Remus said casually, “And I know.”
As James got close he sneaked Regulus a look, maintaining his eye contact as he whispered in Remus’ ear, “Oh, he’s jealous.” A dark, dark expression now ruled Regulus’ face as he stared, shamelessly at the two. Around him, people were talking and drinking, covering his silhouette as they moved, but he stayed put, the only thing James cared to look for in a crowded room.
“Told you,” Remus said and took a sip out of his glass. “Now get out of here. Get your man, or whatever.”
“I love you so fucking much, in case I don’t tell you enough,” James said and gave Remus a pat.
“You do. Go on, Prongs. You’ve got it.”
As he turned around, Regulus grinned. It wasn’t like a smile like the ones they shared back in Hogsmeade. It held a silhouette of the mischief present in his brother’s eyes, and a hint of something James wasn’t sure the English language could even name. He had a sharpness to him, unlike the softness that resided within his features last time he saw him. And James could sense a man with a plan when he saw one.
“Hello,” he smiled as he walked up to him. Regulus stayed put, waiting for James to come to him.
He looked up and his eyes sparked, “Congratulations on the win, Potter.”
“Back to Potter, are we?” he smirked, coming alive to the conflict.
Regulus came closer, lips so close to James’ face that he could feel his mouth moving as he spoke, “Was I interrupting something with Lupin, there?”
“Jealous?” he mimicked.
“Yes,” he gritted his teeth. The answer seemed to pull itself out of his mouth, catching him off guard.
“Good.”
Regulus huffed, but the grin in his eyes remained.
“Come with me, won’t you, James?”
“Oh, it’s James again?” he grinned.
“It is when I want it to be.”
And James could die.
From afar, he saw Remus smirking while he put a new cigarette to his lips, Sirius standing beside him and talking absentmindedly.
Evil bastard.
James ought to give him a present next time he sees him.
He held out his hand to Regulus. It only hung carelessly in the air for mere seconds before he grabbed it, holding it close to his chest. “You still owe me that tour, you know.”
James’ heart fluttered.
“Let me take you, then,” he said, grinning.
The two passed among the people around them like fire catching in a library. A stare and a glance escorted them as they turned, James’ hand not flickering upon Regulus’ back for a second, face hard as whispers passed between them, leaving waves of talk behind them. When James took the first step, he looked at Regulus who stood behind him, and gestured his free hand to the empty stairs, not letting go of the other. Regulus stared at it for a second, then smiled, his steps silently drawing James in as he went up the tower, like a hungry man smelling the hint of food.
They stood against the door again.
Regulus ahead and James behind him.
And then he stopped and turned around. His back against the door and his eyes wondering.
“Why?”
“Why what, Reg?” James returned the heeded question.
“Why do you want me?” he whispered, his eyes were hard, his mouth leaking venom.
“Because I l-”
And then a hand slammed on his mouth.
★
When Regulus was ten, just a few months shy of eleven years old, he kissed a boy for the first time.
He never really understood why he did it.
He was standing alone in a muggle park next to his family’s summer house in France. Earlier that day, his mom and Sirius had a fight. It was one of their bad ones, when their voices rose and their languages mingled, half sentences and venom spat in the form of curses. The worst part about Walburga’s anger wasn’t the curses or skill in her magic, the way with which she tilted her wand and invaded the minds of her children, that were sweet to her in one moment and cruel and vindictive in the following one. Sirius never understood her, as he constantly told Regulus, and he was in his right mind to be angry.
But Regulus did.
And it scared him more than anything.
It was easy to pin Walburga as the bad guy. And in many ways, she was. She tormented her children and made their own minds turn on them. She would lock them in cupboards for days on end, with no food and no water, releasing them with seething cries in a sudden hurry, as if her mind held her hostage to her own body, and she awoke from the horrors it caused. For every small mercy, there would be ten acts of violence, and for years Regulus wondered if she had truly loved them. Her children, once her greatest joy in the whole world, and then her greatest failure.
The thing Regulus realized that day was not an easy thing for a boy of ten years old to know.
When Sirius stood close to his mother’s face, glaring at her with distaste, her words screeching, hurting Regulus’ ears, it hit him.
Just how similar they were.
Walburga and Sirius.
How their anger was so polar they had become intertwined. One and the same.
So with a swift motion and light steps that escaped their ears, Regulus ran through the front door.
He ran until he couldn’t breathe and had to stop.
For the first moment since he started running, he bothered to look around. His head was still buzzing, but he knew now where he was.
It was a local muggle park.
His father used to take them here when they were kids.
“Hey.”
He turned around swiftly.
A sigh of relief came through him.
The muggle boy in front of him stared at him, lingering just a bit too long for Regulus not to turn red.
“What’s your name? I haven’t seen you here before.”
The boy was wearing a red shirt and ripped blue jeans. His hands were dirty from playing in the mud, his feet bare and his face all heated from running around. He had messy brown hair that was cut here and there, a strand too long where it shouldn’t be and too short where it ought to be longer.
“I’m not from around here. I’m Regulus.”
The boy grinned, his front tooth missing - “I’m Teddy!”
Regulus smiled awkwardly and looked around to check if anyone had caught onto him yet, half expecting to find his mother’s fuming face behind him.
But no one was there. Only him. And Teddy.
Teddy was still smiling when he looked back at him. Like he was waiting for something to happen, for Regulus to say something. And a moment before he did it, he wondered what Teddy comes back home to every day. Does his mother care for him or is he, as Regulus was, tormented by the endless question of any child who ever felt like they were crafted poorly by god's lesser angels - What was I made for?
But Regulus didn’t know what Teddy’s house was like. If his mother is kind or harsh. If his father is a good man or a useless one. And yet Teddy was right there. And no one was looking, and Regulus could let his heart skip a beat without fearing anyone would hear.
It was quick.
The taste of his lips didn’t even register to him, nor did the look on his face. It took one small movement of Teddy’s lips, a return of the kiss, for Regulus to start running.
The muffled voice of James Potter blocked by his palm returned him to the present.
He slowly let his hand down and James was quick to hold it to his heart. Regulus thought he didn’t even notice when he did it.
“You can’t say that to me.”
“Why not?”
Regulus huffed a mean laugh. James flinched to the sound of it.
“Because you’re you and I’m me. And this is… ridiculous.”
“What is ridiculous about me wanting to be with you?”
His heart flattered reluctantly.
“Because you can’t get yourself into this with me.”
“I want to. I want you .”
“You’re probably the nicest person to ever exist, you know? You’re a good guy, and I claw at everything I love, James.”
“Then dig in.” His face remained serious as he said it. And he meant it. Regulus knew he did.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“You just don’t get it, do you?” Regulus laughed.
“Get what, Reg? I’m not a kid. I don’t think everything is going to be easy, I just know that I want you. And that we can do this, and that I love you, and for once I’m so invested that I feel like I’m going crazy. Because you drive me crazy. Because I don’t know enough languages to tell you everything I want to know about you. I love you. And you know what?”
It was all so quiet for a second. Like the party stopped and there was no one else who spoke the same language in the world besides James. Like he spoke the language of bones, like he understood everything about Regulus, and was talking complete bullshit at the same time.
Because he meant everything he said.
Regulus knew it because James Potter wears his heart on his sleeve.
But how could he feel what he says he feels about Regulus?
“I know you want this too, Regulus. Me. I can see it when you look at me, and it hurts, because you don’t understand that I’d known it for a while now, that I know you .”
“I don’t-”
“Don’t lie to me,” he sounded desperate.
“It’ll pass. What you’re feeling,” he said. He tried to sound cold but his voice betrayed him.
“You’re a terrible liar, you know,” James said started getting closer. “I know how I feel, and now you do too.”
Regulus meant to say something but he couldn’t. A silence stood coldly between them, James so close to him that he could feel his hitched breath when he spoke again.
“To me, you are just as bright now as you were when I saw you. You’re kind, and you’re beautiful, and you’re a good guy, and whatever dark secrets you carry with you, I will carry the weight if you let me. There’s nothing you can say that can change that.”
He leaned deeper and looked into Regulus' eye for the answer he was searching for. Regulus nodded and closed his eyes as soft lips brushed against his, climbing from his lips to his forehead.
Regulus opened his eyes.
“I won’t kiss you again if it’s not real. It’s your choice if it’s the last time or one of the firsts, Regulus. I’m giving you my heart here.”
His warmth faded the further he got from Regulus, as he backed away to the door of his bedroom. He smiled softly, his eyes singing sadness before he said, “Goodnight, Regulus.”
Part Three: Longing
At breakfast, James’ eyes wander to the Slytherin table. Regulus is already looking at him.